Tag: Emotional Clarity

How to Live in Accepted Tenderness

I sat at the back of a large church in a Texan city, remembering a few Sundays ago in a much smaller church when I sat sandwiched between my two sisters and their husbands.

That Sunday both sisters got up with their babies and there I was, the divorced sister, suddenly alone with a space between me and both their husbands on either side of me. I remember thinking how visible that made my position in life, before God reminded me that I was beloved, HIS BELOVED.

The enemy flashed another word into my head before I listened to God speak over me. I could have listened to the lie instead, but I knew it wasn’t true. Anything but beloved, it collided with my identity as God’s beloved.

I had decided to bring humor into the situation by texting my other sister during the service (yes, I’m like that sometimes), telling her what I felt like. The text never sent. Weeks later, I scrolled through my texts to her and saw it sitting there, “undelivered”. The identity lie never got sent because it was never true.

I knew the truth that Sunday. God was good and I was His beloved.

This Sunday in Texas was no different. I was somehow fine sitting alone in a large church where I knew no one, because I’d already seen God see me in a large airport in Dallas.

Get that—you can see God see YOU.

“I like your dress,” I’d smiled at a lady in the Dallas airport restroom. Then, I chatted with a pilot during a long slow line to board. The officer world I’m familiar with is similar to the pilot world, so we chatted easily about family schedules and making it all happen in spite of its challenges. I ask about his wife and kids because it is my honor to reflect on a man’s family as he’s out in the business world.

I was once the wife of a man who needed a woman out there to mention his family at home. I do this frequently for wives, —even though I do not know them. In my heart, I know them.

Inching forward on the plane toward my seat, I noticed the same lady in the pretty white dress sitting next to my assigned seat. We smiled briefly, then both buried our faces in books while ignoring each other for the silent space of written words. But as the plane landed in Amarillo, I smiled again and said hello.

She lived over an hour away but had friends in the city my daughter and her family lived in. We exchanged numbers, and she reached out twice later in the week before I got back to her to thank her. The church she let me know about, the friend she connected me with, and the love she shared was definitely God seeing me, seeing us.

I planned to meet her friend Sunday morning, and in a large parking lot, I recognized her and her husband’s faces pulling up close by. We were both running late so I avoided meeting her before service, but as I sat toward the back, I noticed they sat close by. God highlighting them and making it impossible to miss each other in a very large space with hundreds of people.

God sees me, I realized again.

Worship melted me. It was good to be pulled into Something greater than myself.

Then, the preacher began with no ordinary sermon, but a deep and vulnerable teaching from the scriptures with his own experiences tied in. Raw, human, and devastatingly real—in some ways entirely adjacent to my own stories—I sat there seeing that I was seen by God as His Beloved as he gifted me a sermon I could relate to in a personal way.

Of course I met the friend of the lady in the Dallas restroom, and now hopefully we’re meeting this week at my daughter’s house.

God is extravagantly showing me His eye, I realized.

Hear me on this—the most extravagant love shows of God to you are sometimes small and could be invisible if you ignore them. But if you see them, you can’t unsee them.

And once you see the goodness of God and your space with Him, you can’t unsee your identity either.

Hear me on this also—satan’s clamoring voice is loud and often believable. But it wreaks havoc in your soul and wrecks your identity. It looks real and sounds real, but an imposter will never be the real you.

As John Eagan says, “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”

Whether I’m in the Queen city of Charlotte, at home and familiar, or whether I’m flying alone to a place I’ve never been, my God sees me. And your God sees you.

The bliss of my grandbaby in Texas was interrupted one morning by sudden and rare postpartum complications for my daughter. I never felt so helpless as I fought for her life and watched her wheeled out on a stretcher to an ambulance.

When she was okay, I wanted to say “God is so good”, but I caught myself.

God is good all the time, no matter what. He’d be good if my daughter wasn’t alive that day, her body full of fentanyl and pills to accomplish the fastest thing possible—let her live. What if she died? Would God still be good? I knew the answer was yes.

I remember worshipping God as my brother’s body lowered into the ground. I also remember my body basically shutting down in shock and grief that he was gone. I remember the stench of a Honduran cemetery with above ground vaults, and arriving in South America just in time to bury him.

I remember staring at my mother’s face and wondering at the almost other-worldly peace I saw there. I also watched her struggle and cry.

We took a boat out on the waters that claimed him, staring in the face one of the worst imaginable scenes of someone we loved.

We often forget that peace and pain are not in opposition to each other. That peace passes understanding and steadies us in the face of pain.

All because God is magnificent and rules over a fallen earth. He promises to bring His children through this life with peace, holding us in the kind of grace that wins.

The gift of this kind of grace, even angels long to look into (1 Peter 1:12). Do we get this—the presence of a holy, winning God in our own hearts, abiding there?

In those harrowing moments with my own daughter, God saw us and let us know His eye was watching. Her ambulance driver went to the same church the Dallas airport lady told me about, and invited Beka to come. “My mom already visited, and I’m going to,” Beka told him.

Amarillo is a large place with a lot of churches. Do you see how small things can tie together to let us know the eye of God is on us?

You don’t have to (and you cannot) fix people or circumstances. But you can tune in, you can focus your eye, and when you’re too tired to do either one, you can pray—and this is the good thing about God—when you’re too tired to pray you can rest and remember that the Spirit prays for you.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we aught, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

Romans 8:26, ESV

I’m learning, as Brennan Manning says, to “Live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness.”

Seeing the accepted tender position you have with God changes everything.

Love always,

Sara D.

How to Keep Your Wonder

Some weeks ago, my youngest boy asked if he could pick me up, as he sometimes does.

I stared at him a bit because we were at a friend’s house and I didn’t feel like tenaciously clinging to his neck in midair. But I said yes. Before long he was demanding that I do not hang on, so there I was (46 year old mother and all that), trying to follow scary orders as he hoisted my body up and down for arm curls.

He’s in another state for his summer job, and I’m learning how quiet the house is as I do this empty nest thing for the very first time.

I’ve never lived alone so this feels a little odd. Sure, my oldest son is in the garage bedroom but this 120 year old house literally has just me in it.

My parents have seven girls and we all married. None of us ever thought divorce an option, but it happened to me, anyway. So, periodically at the end of a long work day I bring in some humor to the situation and snap a photo of a wine glass and book, or wine and bathtub, or some lovely food I’m eating along with “Perks of being single”.

I remind them that I get to relax while they cook dinner for their husbands. And it’s a little odd how we all laugh and cry over my reality because they all know, along with me, that I’d have done anything not to land in this boat.

I’m wondering what your thing is, and where your raft has taken you?

The mother who lost a child asked me, “How do I find joy in a life that seems deprived of what I wanted?”

And the world over, men and women grapple with a solid reality of grief that makes even noise go silent. The world stands still in an intermission between what was and what will be, while what is seems impossible to breathe through.

Silence can be deafening.

But I’m seeing this thing of identity as never before, how women find identity in being a wife, a mother, a daughter without ever finding it alone, first of all.

Did you know all the props can be taken from you and still, you’re fully known and fully loved?

That when the props are taken from you, you’ll lean into the greatest love you’ll ever find, away from performance and people, alone in your bedroom where the Holy Spirit lets you know to look up, as if your eyes feast on the north star and you whisper it quietly, “God, you are my north star.”

That you can look away from people and fix your gaze past them onto something other worldly, that you can be gentle with yourself as you see the hand of God reaching for you, engraved on His hand and continually before Him.

Isaiah 49:16 says “Behold, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands; your walls are continually before me.”

Perhaps you’re wrestling with bitter disappointment of loss, but here, God says you are engraved on His hands. The hands crucified to the cross have you engraved there. You are continually before Him and forever will be.

I wonder why we look to people, places, or things for identity when God has His own hands marked with us.

I want us to settle our souls with nothing less because frankly, they won’t settle with less. If the root is God, the rest becomes desire rather than desperation–and hear me carefully on this–God given desire is HOLY, yet He remains your first Love.

My children are taller than me now, and busy with life. Has my identity changed, or am I less of a mother because they’re no longer sitting on the counter making cookies with me, drowning me in flour and potty training on the floor?

Am I less of a mother in a quiet, clean kitchen eating leftovers than I was when each meal was effort to make and serve?

The answer seems obvious but the feeling eludes us at times. We reach for humans while we forget that God is always reaching for us. That He has His hands marked with our name, so to speak.

When we fully see our identity apart from any human being, we can then reach back out for joy. In the long intermission between what was and what will be, we start hearing joy. I say hearing joy because we have to tune our ears for it.

The season I hoped to step in next was obviously not mine to have. I wrestle with this reality, sometimes brave and sometimes crying tears that fall too fast and heavy. We set our hopes on something, in someone, thinking this time we’re stepping through the door we always hoped for—and then, God says no—or at least, not yet.

PC: eye_of _serenity _photography

I want you to know sister, that he sees your hope deferred and how it makes your heart sick. I also want you to know that God’s no is always His better yes. Removing you from a situation not currently right for you is far more than Him saying no; it is His gentle invitation to something better, even if that something better is nothing more than leaning into Christ wholeheartedly as you say yes to the wisest thing, rather than the wished-for thing.

Saying yes to God means saying yes to the best thing even if it feels otherwise at present.

But as surely as God is real, He has something for you. There’s a gift, a delight, something to savor from the hand of God.

What has He made you good at? Run after it.

What lights you up? Follow hard after it.

What has He always called you to? Remember that no man can stop it.

Now there’s the hardest question of all, but tell me this, dear reader. Was I less of a woman when my husband walked out the door to a teen aged girl?

Eight years later, I know the answer. In that moment, I was fully and deeply loved, as much as I’ll ever be. Did I feel it? Yes and no. God gifted me His presence but the devastation was so great I lay weeping on the floor.

But get this—in that very moment, fully and deeply loved, as much as I’ll ever be.

I want us to lift our gaze to the North star because it pulls us heaven ward where love is. Here, we are safe. Here, love won’t fail us. Here, absolute identity with certainty that never leaves even when people do.

God became so dear to me that if I allowed sin in me and felt His presence less, I’d be wrecked. I depended on the presence of God because I could no longer depend on anyone or anything else.

There, I found that was the love I was looking for, all along. And in some sense today, as my youngest child is gone for the summer, my nest will never be empty because my heart is always full.

Full of love, that is. I get to transfer the love I receive from heaven onto those around me no matter where they are or what they’re doing.

I get to never lose my wonder. And as I keep that, God continues to fill my life with what I need, and more. Not in my way, but His.

All because He loves me. And He loves you just as much.

Live in love, live engraved, lived marked, always before Him.

Love always,

Sara D.

Hope Beyond Therapy

It’s a beautiful thing when joy comes.

The day my sister flew to Washington state to join my kitchen table because she knew my heart was in shreds—that day she spoke six words which honestly are the only words I remember of her entire visit.

“You won’t always feel this way.”

Like a small ray of possibility, yet illusive and out of reach, the words burned into my soul because I felt no hope.

I’d spent hours walking the trails close to my house, asking (more like begging) God to save my marriage. I started an altar of rocks where I was going to place one stone on top of the other each time God answered a prayer.

Then, one day it came to me, almost as if God was audibly speaking, this strong awareness that the answer was no. My husband was going to walk away. I don’t know why God let me know that—perhaps to prepare me in a small way for what even local law enforcement called a “glamour TV show”.

I was the main character in a very slow motion show that was difficult to wrap my head around even as I lived it.

Everything blurs when life becomes one long painful thing to navigate, yet there’s this hope of possibility because you know the will of God. I knew I was praying according to God’s will, which means God should say yes, right? Doesn’t He promise a yes when we pray according to His will?

“And this is the confidence that we have before Him: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” (1 John 5:14-15, ESV)

“Whatever you ask in My name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.” (John 14:13, ESV)

How do I reconcile those verses when I knew I was praying according to the will of God, yet my husband chose other women?

How do I reconcile the Father’s love for me when I felt no love as my husband spent years asking about having an open marriage?

How do I find joy when clouds were full of rain and grief was so intense that even noise became silent?

How do I find rest when my heart pounds in a desperate effort to silence the truth with denial and reasoning circles in my brain?

Therapy could help me, but only God could heal me. And I had to surrender.

Surrender isn’t a popular word in today’s society where each man and woman fights for their own happiness. Submission isn’t popular either. But the only way through loss, whether by death or divorce, is surrender to the unthinkable.

A christian therapist will help you surrender to God by walking you through that hour in the office with Jesus as the answer. He may give you tools to utilize, boundaries to implement, and a solid choice to walk away from an unfaithful spouse. But every tool he or she gives you must lead you closer, closer, and closer to God rather than away from Him.

Talking it out helps; turning to God heals.

Boundaries can take away abuse, yet leave you alone without healing until you bring Jesus into the grief with you.

Walking away can free you, yet leave you desolate unless God is the most intimate Being you know.

And I’m here to say that no human being can heal you or replace what you lost.

Surrender means letting go of what was.

I packed up my kids, put them on a plane, and moved to the opposite coast.

A teen aged girl had my bedroom and my husband.

The girl’s mother had my first office, the room straight off the sun room where I got to write and store my books.

And the wrap around porch overlooking snow peaked mountains was now walked on by people I never wanted to see again.

I said goodbye to my friends, some of the best I’d ever made. And in a new kind of southern culture I floundered and struggled to make the same kind of friends as a grieving single mom with four struggling children.

For years, I spent hours in therapy sessions. Some of the kindest, older, wiser believers were also trained and equipped with tools to lead me closer to healing—and they always led me to God.

The tools given me were for one purpose only—to see the heart of God toward me and to move away from evil.

God wasn’t saying no to His will for my marriage. Rather, He wasn’t forcing Himself onto another party who wasn’t choosing Him. Because we can pray according to the will of God, but another party refuse to say yes to the will of God.

In all my questions, I had to see God. What I see changes when I see God.

And in some odd way, through years of wrestling and working and raising my beautiful children, joy came and I saw God’s hand on my life. I learned to look, pause, turn aside to see the hand of God that would otherwise go unnoticed.

Christian therapy helped me see God better, more, deeper. I remember the chair where I prayed aloud to bring Jesus into the grief, led by another to see Him beside me. The years of pain that were finally acknowledged by a human allowed me to see even deeper that God acknowledged them also, and He was angry, too.

Exodus 3 says that “When the Lord saw that (Moses) had gone over to look, God called to him within the bush, ‘Moses! Moses!’

And Moses said, ‘Here I am.’

‘Do not come any closer,’ God said. ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.’” (verses 4-5, ESV)

When we turn aside to notice what God is doing in our loss, He speaks. And in that moment, whatever we’ve been through, God’s words to us are sacred and we are standing on holy ground.

Surrender of the very things I wanted most led me to an act of worship in my spirit that was so meaningful and deep I began to realize the gift of the presence of God was far greater than an easier life.

Take the tools therapy gives you and use them to help your body, soul, and spirit lean into rest. Believe that the promises of God are always yes, though perhaps a no in the way you wanted. He truly does restore your soul, though perhaps not your circumstance. He will lavish you with His goodness in your inner being until you laugh again and realize your weeping is somehow far less and perhaps, even over.

You may spend years processing and growing, but the time will come when, rather than join another grief course or therapy session, you will want to dance. Joy is a fruit of the spirit, and the promise of God for joy is always a resounding yes because heaven isn’t weeping.

Heaven is singing. And God resides within you as the angels hover over you, bringing heaven to earth in a way that even angels long to look into.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

Love always,

Sara D.

Why I Still Believe in Submission (and when it’s time to say ‘no’)

Instinctively, many women want to please and by nature, we invite rather than push away.

I still believe in submission, though the word is frowned on in this post modern society. A woman still wanting a leader in the home becomes a supposed icon of weakness rather than a dignified woman still respecting her husband.

Many claim men and women have equal positions of leadership in the home. Equal importance and value, yes. Equal leadership, absolutely not.

1 Peter 3: 7 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man.”

Titus 2: 3-5 “Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or given to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be…….submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Here’s an undeniable call to “teach what is good”. And what are they to teach? They are to teach young wives to allow leadership in their homes.

Our culture calls for leadership in every area of life, and feminists are some of the first to demand positions of leadership. So the questions becomes, “How is it not even more important to have leaders in the home?”

If the church, sports, businesses and corporations, government, and even charity organizations all need a leader, why the bristling effect on a home needing one?

A reaction to a problem doesn’t bring a good solution to a problem. The fact that some men aren’t good and selfless leaders in the home, doesn’t nullify the need for good leaders in homes. But this brings me to the heart of this blog.

There are times when wives need to say no. I remember the days when my then-husband wanted to study a book together promoting open marriage and talked about potentially having other partners in our bed. Doubtless, I had to say no.

I was told to be open to study, that God would show me if it wasn’t right. Thing is, it takes very little to show me that’s not right. The night we went out to Valentine’s dinner and I was pointed to a table of one man surrounded by three gorgeous women, then asked, “See, don’t you think that’s exemplary; he attracted all those women!”

I tried not to gag on my food and replied, “No, he probably has some major issues, needing that.”

My husband was no longer leading his home in righteousness and love. Like a sickness permeating every area of life, the illness I knew was there for many years festered until I could no longer deny it. We were going to break.

And because I said “No” to my husband, he was gone—into the arms of other women.

There are doubtless limitations on allowing a man to lead you. I am endlessly grateful that the divorce I tried so hard to avoid ended up being my rescue and the tears I cried ended up being my release.

And I realized, after his most obvious affair with our daughter’s friend, that something was broken beyond repair even though God led me through a process of forgiveness.

I’d seen him flirt with the child, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t want to admit he would ever do it. And when it became obvious, I knew I was to forgive him, yet remove him permanently from my life. That even if he repented someday, he could never again be my husband or lead our home. My job was to create emotional safety so my children could heal and others could feel safe in my home.

I write this for the church, for other women in similar shoes, for a call to leaders in the church to rise up, man to man, for the protection of women and children. Women in abusive marriages are often brainwashed as I was, and need strong men to stand alongside her to help her take a stand.

I needed two couples, one on either side, to help me. I needed a strong attorney. I needed a whole community of support, and it was graciously given.

But sometimes, the church is so focused on forgiveness and restoration of a broken covenant, that sexual perversion is “forgiven” and the marriage “restored”. I’m here to call into attention that the consequence of some sins makes “restoration” a ruin for the heart and soul of women and children.

My daughter begged me to never take her father back, even if he was repentant someday. I agreed with her. I didn’t think only of forgiveness; I thought of protection and the emotional well-being of myself, my daughters, their friends, and other women I was called to serve.

In that moment I knew they would never feel safe if he was there, and that I could forgive while entirely obliterating him from my life and home, forever. That if he tried to came back someday even as a repentant man, healing would stall and perhaps never happen. That women would feel unsafe in a home I was called to keep safe.

I’m here to ask the church to protect the heart and soul of women more than they promote a perverted man to find restoration in the home he destroyed. Because incest, rape, or child attraction is different than an affair—I do believe some affairs can be healed and a marriage better than before. But on this level, damage is ongoing for years and impossible to heal from if the offender sits at the table and lives in the house.

Our job is to help women find the strength to speak up and realize there is life after divorce, that no woman is unconditionally tied to a man, that no man was ever meant to take the place of God, that her position has now become the protection of her children and others rather than the welcoming back of a man who will unearth, daily, sexual trauma by his very presence. And I add here—even if he’s repentant.

Marriage is sacred; sex is holy. Sexual sin can be forgiven, always. But marriage can be restored, only sometimes. And if men in the church don’t know the difference, they are not doing the job of spiritual leader, protector, and provider for those who were once voiceless.

They are, instead, agreeing with the Pharisees in Mark chapter two where Jesus was accused of allowing his disciples to harvest and eat grain on the sabbath. In opposition to Jewish law, Jesus reminded them that “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27&28, ESV)

Even before his death, where grace would replace law, Jesus wanted a proper and merciful application of law.

He reminds the Pharisees also, “Have you never read what David did, when he was in need and was hungry, he and those who were with him. How he entered the house of God in the time of Abiathar the High priest, and ate the bread of the presence, which is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and also gave it to those who were with him?” (Mark 25&26, ESV)

And again in Matthew 19:9, Jesus allows for a merciful deliverance from a perverted man by stating that divorce is permissible for sexual sin. He does not want His daughters stuck in a threesome marriage (or worse), and He takes care to address it clearly.

Again, the church needs to carefully assess whether they are protecting the idea of marriage long after it’s broken, or whether they are protecting women and children after an utterly broken marriage. Are we idolizing marriage or are we protecting victims of sexual crime by bringing them to healing places where the mind can be renewed and the body restored?

Are we idolizing marriage or are we worshiping God?

Are we in love with marriage or are we loving the helpless and hurting?

And in rape cases, are we more concerned with a man losing his home and family than we are with a child losing her virginity by the man who was called to father her?

If so, we do not understand the damage of sexual trauma nor the need for years to heal in a safe place where reminders are gone.

Satan loves to twist the submission thing and make it harmful rather than beautiful. And, if I may speak boldly, some men love to protect other men from certain ruin and loss even when the man himself ruined and lost his home.

Jesus has always called us to be a voice for the voiceless. And sometimes, that means the church helping wives do the hard thing of saying no because they are not yet able to, on their own.

I am eternally grateful for the men who helped me, for the way my mind cleared when I was out from under psychological manipulation that almost destroyed me. For them to assure me that I needed rescue more than my marriage needed rescue.

I needed Godly men, and they came.

I’m asking them to come for other women’s aid, too.

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8, ESV)

For hope and healing,

Sara D.

A Celebration of Masculinity

“They say women don’t need men anymore,” my fourteen year old son told me on the way to school.

“Who says that?” I asked. “Because your mom and sisters certainly don’t believe that.

The look on his face made me want to cry. Fourteen year old boys are already facing identity questions. Who am I, and where do I belong? Who needs me?

And yesterday as he helped his sister move, I could see his shoulders square up. He literally saved the day along with another young man who brought a truck to help with a heavy mattress.

My daughter and I had no problem needing men yesterday and I was so proud of her as she expressed respect and appreciation for the men’s strength and help. Ironically, the two young men lit up doing exactly what she needed.

Biological design lines up with Biblical order, because the God of the Bible created biological design. Fascinating, life giving, encouraging and affirming of both genders–we simply cannot improve this.

God designed good men to want to care for and protect women. And I want to say to all women, even to those who’ve been hurt by a man, that women need good men.

We had a talk there in the car, my boy and I. Femininity and masculinity are both under attack in our culture, and I want my children to know deeply the calling God has on their lives.

My son is the first to open my door when we go out. I trained him for this, on purpose, by standing to the side of the door until he got there. And the other day when I asked him what the newest thing was that he learned on his phone, he said, “How to be a good husband someday.”

Yesterday as I spoke with another woman struggling with betrayal, I spoke to her of womanhood, how even us single ladies can inspire the world with feminine manners that call out the best in people around us.

We don’t need a husband to do this, though we wish for one. We can still embody what we’ve always wanted to be. We can refuse the attitude of “I don’t need a man” and instead hold on to gratefulness for the good men in the world.

We can still be fully woman and fully alive.

And here’s the thing—ladies, you don’t need a perfect man in order to be a grace-filled woman. If he provides for you, is faithful to you, and seeks to love you, be grateful every day. Look for the ways he’s showing love even if it’s different than what you want. And if you need him to show love another way, ask him for that specifically. But please don’t walk around with a chip on your shoulder if you have a truly good, but imperfect, husband.

Tell him you appreciate him, often.

Notice his good qualities and speak them out loud.

Let him come home to peace—and remember, peace is a gift for your children, too.

Look him in the eyes and smile. Like, truly meet his eye with a smile.

When he comes home after a long day of labor, let him rest. If you’re a stay at home mom, please don’t nag at him to fold laundry unless you truly need help because of babies, etc.

If you’re a working mom, let him know you need his support when you both get home.

Be specific and gracious in your requests. Men want to be asked for a need they can meet rather than be nagged for a need they didn’t meet, because they were never asked.

I’m here to call out gratefulness for the faithful man.

This man may not be as romantic as you want him to be. He may not know any of your favorite therapy phrases or personality tests or attachment styles. He may kick off his boots inside your door and drape his coat over your dining room chair.

He may love God but not be the best teacher of each chapter in scripture.

I’m calling women to stop the comparison game and stare down the blessing of a man who loves you for life. Some of you are blessed to have all your bills paid without having to worry about it. Others of you are working alongside your husband to meet financial needs in a cost-hijacked world. Either way, your husband wants to know he’s your support and at the end of the day, you need him.

He wants to know you’re grateful.

He needs to know you admire him.

If that gives you struggle, I want to remind us ladies that admiration to a man is what love is to a woman. Today’s world embraces women who ask for love while it scorns men who need to be admired and respected. Yet, one is as good as the other because both are God-designed.

I defy divorce culture in the name of Jesus because I see a better way, a way that creates heaven-sent love into the hearts of our children and each other. I know it takes two, and one cannot do it alone—but one can always find their identity in Christ, obey His word, and leave the outcome to Jesus Who doesn’t force change on anyone.

Remember that if you follow Jesus in how you treat your spouse, change in your spouse is not guaranteed—but here’s the thing: obeying God will change YOU. And a love relationship with Jesus is worth having whether or not our spouse gives us the relationship we long for.

I speak this over you as a woman who tried (too hard) to save her marriage, and it broke anyway. God’s call for me as a woman always has been to carry myself with honor and dignity. It’s a “Yes, Lord” love relationship with Jesus that isn’t based on what I get or don’t get.

And I want you to know, married friends, that you can carry yourself with honor and joy with an imperfect husband. Be joyful, be grateful, address needs clearly, get your head out of the sand, and live free.

The Ancient of Days always has had, and always will have, ancient ways. Those ways aren’t feeling based; they are truth based–and they truly work for good.

Whoever dares plant their feet on the Rock of Ages will truly stand on something solid where the gift of God remains undeniably life giving, life changing, and life altering.

Today, look at your imperfect husband and speak it to him, “I appreciate you so much for—.”

Men need to be needed. And I will say to any woman, “Men ARE needed.”

The bulk of military is …..men.

Most hunters are……men.

Most construction workers…….men.

Strongest and tallest………..men.

Fastest to protect……..men.

And you want a baby? Well, I hate to break it to you but you need a…….man.

Tell him you appreciate him, today and often in the days to come.

In a world of dishonor, remember that your crowning glory as a woman is to honor those around you, and especially your husband.

Never let the world rob you of the dignity of womanhood. Because if we do, we lose the ability to encourage true manhood.

A sisterhood is truly thriving if it sees the value of brotherhood. And to all the ladies out there, if you meet my boys, please treat them like gentlemen who are needed in the world, with God given attributes different than your own because women do not have it all.

Together, as we celebrate both masculinity and femininity, we have what we need.

Love,

Sara

Regaining Emotional Clarity—Don’t Live by Your Emotions, Part 8

Every once in awhile my eyes roll to my head when I’m listening to teen girls gab about boys.

Yes, the boy thing. And how do you tell them that this boy most likely isn’t the future husband when all the emotions say otherwise?

During those moments I see clearly what God must see so clearly about us—that much of our lives are based off immediate emotional reactions rather than deliberate Godly responses.

Girl sees cute boy and bam—all the natural emotional responses start rolling.

It takes self control to wait, decide what you want with life and relationships, and work on character rather than premature dating. A wise parent will do her best to encourage the latter even when emotional responses from a child would cause her to buckle.

But teen love and dating is not the only thing that can be ruined by natural emotional responses. What about us? As fully grown adults, how do we live?

“The irony of the term “self control” is that it is not about our act of taking control, but rather about our surrendering control to God.” ~Jennifer Ussleman, Choosing to Choose Better

https://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Choose-Better-Changes-Everything/dp/1637324553/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_2?crid=25M269BN3ZHP7&keywords=choosing

I don’t think there’s really any way we can force our emotions in line with the will of God. Usually, emotions over-power better knowledge. But surrendering ourselves to the Lord makes us new creatures, which means there’s an inner response more powerful than a natural reaction.

As a friend once said, “When God does something, it’s like there’s an aroma of the Holy Spirit that is just different than something outside of His will.”

We can’t always show our children the difference until they experience it personally, but we can, as parents, do our best to guide them toward wisdom.

This is our responsibility.

This is our duty.

This is our job.

(My babies plus one more from Slovokia. We love you, Tampka!)

But back to ourselves. Living above our emotions affects how we discern the will of God (not the easy way, but the right way), how we eat, speak, and run our businesses. It affects what atmosphere people sense when they’re around us, how much life they glean from our presence in the room.

What atmosphere do you bring to the table?

And what about this—living above emotions even affects how we eat. We’re suddenly able to choose for health rather than weigh our bodies down with excess junk.

Eat to get your emotions comforted and you’ll end up emotionally uncomfortable when you step on the scale or go clothes shopping. Making the better choice in spite of emotions ends up setting your emotions free.

Eating for life instead of emotions is a good picture of what happens in all of life when we choose higher than feelings. Suddenly, we start feeling better.

Get this—when you no longer allow your feelings to run your life, you suddenly start feeling better and living a better life.

(Nutritious and deliscious–curry chicken salad, brown bread, and all things fresh.)

Our emotions are here to guide us, not rule us. They are one factor, not the greatest factor. They are useful tools, not the end of wisdom. This means that if your emotions are leading you astray, you reign them in and follow wisdom instead.

Your feelings can even be swayed by religion. Amish people are taught that owning a car is worldly. Because their feelings have been conditioned by culture and decades of religion, they will truly feel guilty when they purchase a car.

(My world as a child.)

A muslim woman will feel guilty for exposing her face. And I, as an Amish girl, remember hiding behind the refrigerator when a man from church knocked on the door. My feelings told me that for him to see my hair would be shameful.

Even religion has to humbly exchange itself for relationship, and bow itself to the pure, holy, written Word of God that will change or bow to no one and for no one. It is not God’s job to fit our interpretation of His will; it is our job to surrender to His perfect Word and will, even when it collides with what we’ve always been taught.

Ironic, isn’t it? At the cross, we kneel low so our souls can rise high. All of us, inside and out, need to bow at the cross and subject ourselves to a Greater Word.

Whatever we feel in the process will eventually be exchanged for greater grace than we’d ever know, were we to bow to anything less than the Word of God.

Choosing rightly may never change your circumstances, but it will absolutely change your heart. And that, my friends, is a greater miracle we can only know when we’ve experienced the beautiful, loving presence of Jesus Christ. Emotions can lead us astray, but He will always lead us upward, onward, and into freedom.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12, ESV)