Purpose – Women of Purpose

How to Live in Accepted Tenderness

I sat at the back of a large church in a Texan city, remembering a few Sundays ago in a much smaller church when I sat sandwiched between my two sisters and their husbands.

That Sunday both sisters got up with their babies and there I was, the divorced sister, suddenly alone with a space between me and both their husbands on either side of me. I remember thinking how visible that made my position in life, before God reminded me that I was beloved, HIS BELOVED.

The enemy flashed another word into my head before I listened to God speak over me. I could have listened to the lie instead, but I knew it wasn’t true. Anything but beloved, it collided with my identity as God’s beloved.

I had decided to bring humor into the situation by texting my other sister during the service (yes, I’m like that sometimes), telling her what I felt like. The text never sent. Weeks later, I scrolled through my texts to her and saw it sitting there, “undelivered”. The identity lie never got sent because it was never true.

I knew the truth that Sunday. God was good and I was His beloved.

This Sunday in Texas was no different. I was somehow fine sitting alone in a large church where I knew no one, because I’d already seen God see me in a large airport in Dallas.

Get that—you can see God see YOU.

“I like your dress,” I’d smiled at a lady in the Dallas airport restroom. Then, I chatted with a pilot during a long slow line to board. The officer world I’m familiar with is similar to the pilot world, so we chatted easily about family schedules and making it all happen in spite of its challenges. I ask about his wife and kids because it is my honor to reflect on a man’s family as he’s out in the business world.

I was once the wife of a man who needed a woman out there to mention his family at home. I do this frequently for wives, —even though I do not know them. In my heart, I know them.

Inching forward on the plane toward my seat, I noticed the same lady in the pretty white dress sitting next to my assigned seat. We smiled briefly, then both buried our faces in books while ignoring each other for the silent space of written words. But as the plane landed in Amarillo, I smiled again and said hello.

She lived over an hour away but had friends in the city my daughter and her family lived in. We exchanged numbers, and she reached out twice later in the week before I got back to her to thank her. The church she let me know about, the friend she connected me with, and the love she shared was definitely God seeing me, seeing us.

I planned to meet her friend Sunday morning, and in a large parking lot, I recognized her and her husband’s faces pulling up close by. We were both running late so I avoided meeting her before service, but as I sat toward the back, I noticed they sat close by. God highlighting them and making it impossible to miss each other in a very large space with hundreds of people.

God sees me, I realized again.

Worship melted me. It was good to be pulled into Something greater than myself.

Then, the preacher began with no ordinary sermon, but a deep and vulnerable teaching from the scriptures with his own experiences tied in. Raw, human, and devastatingly real—in some ways entirely adjacent to my own stories—I sat there seeing that I was seen by God as His Beloved in a city where I could have felt alone.

Of course I met the friend of the lady in the Dallas restroom, and now hopefully we’re meeting this week at my daughter’s house.

God is extravagantly showing me His eye, I realized.

Hear me on this—the most extravagant love shows of God to you are sometimes small and could be invisible if you ignore them. But if you see them, you can’t unsee them.

And once you see the goodness of God and your space with Him, you can’t unsee your identity either.

Hear me on this also—satan’s clamoring voice is loud and often believable. But it wreaks havoc in your soul and wrecks your identity. It looks real and sound real but an imposter will never be the real you.

As John Eagan says, “Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”

Whether I’m in the Queen city of Charlotte, at home and familiar, or whether I’m flying alone to a place I’ve never been, my God sees me. And your God sees you.

The bliss of my grandbaby in Texas was interrupted one morning by sudden and rare postpartum complications for my daughter. I never felt so helpless as I fought for her life and watched her wheeled out on a stretcher to an ambulance. When she was okay, I wanted to say “God is so good”, but I caught myself.

God is good all the time, no matter what. He’d be good if my daughter wasn’t alive that day, her body full of fentanyl and pills to accomplish the fastest thing possible—let her live. What if she died? Would God still be good. I knew the answer was yes.

But in those harrowing moments, God saw us and let us know His eye was watching. Her ambulance driver went to the same church the Dallas airport lady told me about, and invited Beka to come. “My mom already visited, and I’m going to,” Beka told him.

Amarillo is a large place with a lot of churches. Do you see how small things can tie together to let us know the eye of God is on us?

You don’t have to (and you cannot) fix people or circumstances. But you can tune in, you can focus your eye, and when you’re too tired to do either one, you can pray—and this is the good thing about God—when you’re too tired to pray you can rest and remember that the Spirit prays for you.

“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we aught, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”

Romans 8:26, ESV

I’m learning, as Brennan Manning says, to “Live in the wisdom of accepted tenderness.”

Seeing the accepted tender position you have with God changes everything.

Love always,

Sara D.

How to Keep Your Wonder

Some weeks ago, my youngest boy asked if he could pick me up, as he sometimes does.

I stared at him a bit because we were at a friend’s house and I didn’t feel like tenaciously clinging to his neck in midair. But I said yes. Before long he was demanding that I do not hang on, so there I was (46 year old mother and all that), trying to follow scary orders as he hoisted my body up and down for arm curls.

He’s in another state for his summer job, and I’m learning how quiet the house is as I do this empty nest thing for the very first time.

I’ve never lived alone so this feels a little odd. Sure, my oldest son is in the garage bedroom but this 120 year old house literally has just me in it.

My parents have seven girls and we all married. None of us ever thought divorce an option, but it happened to me, anyway. So, periodically at the end of a long work day I bring in some humor to the situation and snap a photo of a wine glass and book, or wine and bathtub, or some lovely food I’m eating along with “Perks of being single”.

I remind them that I get to relax while they cook dinner for their husbands. And it’s a little odd how we all laugh and cry over my reality because they all know, along with me, that I’d have done anything not to land in this boat.

I’m wondering what your thing is, and where your raft has taken you?

The mother who lost a child asked me, “How do I find joy in a life that seems deprived of what I wanted?”

And the world over, men and women grapple with a solid reality of grief that makes even noise go silent. The world stands still in an intermission between what was and what will be, while what is seems impossible to breathe through.

Silence can be deafening.

But I’m seeing this thing of identity as never before, how women find identity in being a wife, a mother, a daughter without ever finding it alone, first of all.

Did you know all the props can be taken from you and still, you’re fully known and fully loved?

That when the props are taken from you, you’ll lean into the greatest love you’ll ever find, away from performance and people, alone in your bedroom where the Holy Spirit lets you know to look up, as if your eyes feast on the north star and you whisper it quietly, “God, you are my north star.”

That you can look away from people and fix your gaze past them onto something other worldly, that you can be gentle with yourself as you see the hand of God reaching for you, engraved on His hand and continually before Him.

Isaiah 49:16 says “Behold, I have engraved you on the palm of my hands; your walls are continually before me.”

Perhaps you’re wrestling with bitter disappointment of loss, but here, God says you are engraved on His hands. The hands crucified to the cross have you engraved there. You are continually before Him and forever will be.

I wonder why we look to people, places, or things for identity when God has His own hands marked with us.

I want us to settle our souls with nothing less because frankly, they won’t settle with less. If the root is God, the rest becomes desire rather than desperation–and hear me carefully on this–God given desire is HOLY, yet He remains your first Love.

My children are taller than me now, and busy with life. Has my identity changed, or am I less of a mother because they’re no longer sitting on the counter making cookies with me, drowning me in flour and potty training on the floor?

Am I less of a mother in a quiet, clean kitchen eating leftovers than I was when each meal was effort to make and serve?

The answer seems obvious but the feeling eludes us at times. We reach for humans while we forget that God is always reaching for us. That He has His hands marked with our name, so to speak.

When we fully see our identity apart from any human being, we can then reach back out for joy. In the long intermission between what was and what will be, we start hearing joy. I say hearing joy because we have to tune our ears for it.

The season I hoped to step in next was obviously not mine to have. I wrestle with this reality, sometimes brave and sometimes crying tears that fall too fast and heavy. We set our hopes on something, in someone, thinking this time we’re stepping through the door we always hoped for—and then, God says no—or at least, not yet.

PC: eye_of _serenity _photography

I want you to know sister, that he sees your hope deferred and how it makes your heart sick. I also want you to know that God’s no is always His better yes. Removing you from a situation not currently right for you is far more than Him saying no; it is His gentle invitation to something better, even if that something better is nothing more than leaning into Christ wholeheartedly as you say yes to the wisest thing, rather than the wished-for thing.

Saying yes to God means saying yes to the best thing even if it feels otherwise at present.

But as surely as God is real, He has something for you. There’s a gift, a delight, something to savor from the hand of God.

What has He made you good at? Run after it.

What lights you up? Follow hard after it.

What has He always called you to? Remember that no man can stop it.

Now there’s the hardest question of all, but tell me this, dear reader. Was I less of a woman when my husband walked out the door to a teen aged girl?

Eight years later, I know the answer. In that moment, I was fully and deeply loved, as much as I’ll ever be. Did I feel it? Yes and no. God gifted me His presence but the devastation was so great I lay weeping on the floor.

But get this—in that very moment, fully and deeply loved, as much as I’ll ever be.

I want us to lift our gaze to the North star because it pulls us heaven ward where love is. Here, we are safe. Here, love won’t fail us. Here, absolute identity with certainty that never leaves even when people do.

God became so dear to me that if I allowed sin in me and felt His presence less, I’d be wrecked. I depended on the presence of God because I could no longer depend on anyone or anything else.

There, I found that was the love I was looking for, all along. And in some sense today, as my youngest child is gone for the summer, my nest will never be empty because my heart is always full.

Full of love, that is. I get to transfer the love I receive from heaven onto those around me no matter where they are or what they’re doing.

I get to never lose my wonder. And as I keep that, God continues to fill my life with what I need, and more. Not in my way, but His.

All because He loves me. And He loves you just as much.

Live in love, live engraved, lived marked, always before Him.

Love always,

Sara D.

Regaining Emotional Clarity; Finding God in Plan B (Part 7)

Single working moms all know the feeling of dread as they walk out the door for work when all they want to do is enjoy spring break with their children.

You’ll hop onto social media after work has completely sapped your energy and see photos of other moms taking their kids to the zoo, mountains, or beach. It can’t help but sting just a little.

But I’m here to let you know that you’re not alone, and speak to you what God spoke to me–that I cannot always fill in the gaps, that I was not created to have that ability, and I needed to trust God to do what I could not do.

Struggling to fill in what only another can do can bring us to endless anxiety and stress. So to single moms—God never intended for you to be the perfect dad, to be able to do everything with the children that he could do, to give your children everything they would have with a faithful father.

God simply wants you to find Him in plan B, just as you are.

What does that look like?

1. Keep looking for ways to integrate good into the lives of your children, even if it might look different than it did in plan A.

This might look like having your little boy read chapters in the Bible while you head to work and big sister watches him. Maybe he can call or text you to tell you what he’s learned. (Gabb watches or phones are perfect, safe options for this type of thing!)

Satan wants us to throw in the towel and give up rather than look for alternatives. You can spit back at him a little by remaining undaunted and undeterred when it comes to bringing God’s word to your children. Rather than feeling the need to make sure your life looks a certain way, keeping making JESUS look a certain way to your children. And when you can, pull them onto the couch at night for some Bible reading and prayer. I truly believe that mothers are responsible to bring Jesus to their children in whatever way they are able!

2. Whenever possible, help your children push forward.

This might look like telling your teen that she can do it. The smile on my daughter’s face when she finished day one of orientation for a job that had her so freaked out she almost gave up, made it so worth it. I was so proud of her for driving through a storm hours away to join a team older than herself, learn software that was confusing and complicated to her, and push through in spite of her fear. Her words at the end of the day, “Mom, you helped me succeed. You didn’t let me fail.”

Fatherless children often face greater amounts of anxiety and fear as they grow up to be independent. Be there for them, support them, show them you believe in them. If need be, push them toward what they want to give up on. And if you have a resistant child, love him/her and keep speaking truth. Pray in faith and give your anxiety to God. Expect a war for your child, but know you are on the winning side as you align yourself with God’s character.

3. Reiterate this often: You are not a victim, I am not a victim, WE ARE NOT VICTIMS; WE ARE CONQUERORS.

Mothers, you can weep before your children without wavering in the fact that you are a conqueror. Be honest and real; let them see your true feelings from time to time. But then, get back up and do the next right thing. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. The day might be long and difficult, everyone might be exhausted and grumpy—but let them watch you push forward.

And the next morning, take the remote and turn on worship music as they get up. The sun will rise, a new day with new mercies.

4. Grow in grace with God and with people.

Shed your garbage. Say yes to God! When you feel the Spirit nudging you about gossip, over eating, impatience, self pity—you name it—we all know what things we need to shed. Saying yes to God clears your soul, and the rewards are far greater than the cost.

Recently I’ve sensed the presence of Jesus in me so powerfully it almost felt as if my heart was physically expanded. Goodness and grace flowed into my soul, and I realized as never before how faithful God is to single mothers. Our circumstances may not change, but putting Him first changes our hearts.

Out of our own powerful experiences with the God of heaven, we then have wisdom and authority to speak of Him to our children in tangible ways. What satan meant for evil is turned into good, and again, we spit back at hell just a little.

5. Don’t be afraid.

Hard experiences don’t have to make us hard. Accept what is so you can keep your heart soft for what will be. A soft heart is mold-able, pliable, and grace filled. Difficult things can lead us so close to the Divine because we are forced to run, run, run into His arms. There, we find that was the best place to be all along.

I want to say this to you again—don’t be afraid. Single moms have war to wage but in the process, they gain heaven.

On this side of eternity, I’m here for you–and you are not alone.

Mothering with Purpose-All About the Book Release

As before, throwing a book launch party this month had me terrified. I can write and speak, but marketing is another story.

(Yeah. There it is. You’ll probably never find me in multi-level marketing because the thought of trying to sell stuff sends me into a panic. I’d rather hug someone than try to convince them to buy something.)

But God was asking me to push through, trust Him, and do the thing. So I did, and He came through with all the right friends for all the help I needed. Amazing how we’re all good at different things and how wonderful it is to just be ourselves and do what we’re good at with rest and grace over it.

So here’s just a little spin on the new book:

Being a third born child in a family of ten children had me well acquainted with taking care of babies, and I entered the mothering world eagerly. There was little adjustment to having my own babies because I had helped my mother take care of my younger siblings for as long as I could remember.

I was going to do just what she did: home school, always be a stay at home mom, and be my daughters’ best friends even in their teen years.

I drove an old mini van so I could afford to be a stay at home mother. I home schooled, and did the whole bake-your-own-everything kind of lifestyle. And I loved my children like none other.

Then, my world fell apart. The years of doing everything “right” had to be replaced for a trust in the only One who is always right.

After years of turmoil, my husband had packed his bags, driven away, then pursued a romantic relationship with a sixteen year old girl only a year older than our daughter. There are no words for the turmoil this placed on my children, nor for the after math of devastation on all our lives.

I went to work and the children went to public school. They reeled, I struggled—but we survived, and we learned, and we knew that, though life can be altered by another, it can never be destroyed by another.

In the past three years I’ve told my children many times over, “No one can ruin your life except you. You have the strength to get back up and live a beautiful life.”

I had to hold them while they cried, face their deep hurt and anger when it erupted, and drive many hours to counseling sessions.

After a few years of struggle, I made a move from the west coast to the east, landing in the dead of night in a major airport with myself and the children to start life over in an area where we knew one other family, settled into a house we had never seen, and started searching google for maps to the closest schools and grocery stores. Covid- 19 hit right afterward, and the rest is history.

Along with my children, I struggled to survive until I was set free from the grief that would have destroyed me.

There, I learned all about Grace.

There, I learned that Jesus wants to be trusted more than we trust certain methods.

There, my eyes opened wide to the fact that God was moving in all kinds of places and people—and that the answers are not the same for every mother.

Home school was no longer an idol.

I bought food rather than made it.

And Jesus became altogether lovely in the face of tragedy.

Regardless of your circumstance, I invite you to gaze with me into the face of Jesus Christ, Who alone can bring life into your car while you drive the children to school, or wait with them for the bus, or teach them at your kitchen table.

Jesus wants to be everything for us mothers.

Parts of this book were written while I was in one world, and parts of it written while I was in another. Jesus Christ met me in both. He steadied me in both. He taught me that grief and gratitude are friends, interlaced, working together with one purpose—to behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world and overcomes the affects of it, as well.

And He comes to each of you, inviting you to overwhelming peace in a life not your own. The Son of Man will always rise over everything that goes down.

It remains then, that your greatest need as a mother is not a perfect method, but a deep understanding of a Perfect Master.

As Eric Gilmore so beautifully says, “Jesus Christ is greater than His gifts, more wonderful than His wonders, and more precious than His promises.”

Find the book here:

https://www.amazon.com/Mothering-Purpose-Devotional-Encouragement-Mission/dp/1680997122/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1MNWZ1JCLOG5S&keywords=mothering+with+purpose+sara+daigle&qid=1649183889&sprefix=mothering+with+purpose%2Caps%2C230&sr=8-1

All is grace.

Love Always,

Sara

Why Deborah’s Initiative is as Important as Sarah’s Submission

(Co-Authored by a man with a heart for Christ centered leadership)

I’m not sure I’d want to sit under a tree named after myself, judging the tribes of Israel.

I most certainly would not want to join an army—and if the battle was won, I probably wouldn’t sing a song describing myself as the mother of Israel.

The thought is almost funny.

Yet, scripture is written for our edification and instruction. The story of Deborah tells us a lot.

She was a WIFE.
She heard from GOD.
She was a PROPHETESS.
She sat under a palm tree named after herself, “The Palm of Deborah”.
She summoned a man to her station and delivered a WORD FROM THE LORD.
She gave detailed descriptions of what Barak needed to do during this war.
Somehow, she had gained the utmost respect of Barak, who was a leader and commander, most likely a type A man with great abilities of his own.
After victory, she gave glory to God, and included herself in that story.
In a patriarchal culture, she reminded a strong man that the battle would be won by a woman.
God Himself chose to use two women to execute victory in a battle fought by men.
Deborah wasn’t trying to DO EVERYTHING a man could do; she was fully BEING EVERYTHING she was called to be as a woman. (please note the difference here).
When Barak asked her to go with him into battle, she agreed to go.
Barak was not too proud to ask—and she did not disqualify herself from a place of great importance in this story because she was a woman.
Both man and woman did exactly what God wanted them to do by working together to perform what He asked.

Then there is the awe-inspiring, Proverbs 31 Woman! A woman can expect to hear the words “You’re such a Proverbs 31 woman”, —when she arises early to pack her husband’s lunch, do his laundry, or prep his dinner. But there is more that we need to be teaching our daughters.

I want to take a deeper look at this distinguished woman from the book of Proverbs. The Proverbs 31 woman also:

Had a husband who trusted her decisions.
She made intelligent business moves that put their estate at an advantage.
She didn’t just shop locally, but sought out the best purchases from around the country. This meant being well informed and knowledgeable.
She had maids to free up more of her own time.
She purchased real estate.
She took care of her body and strengthened it.
She knew that her business was profitable.
She helped the poor.
Her clothing was fine linen and purple.
She created, sold, and distributed her products to merchants.
She was marked with strength and dignity.
She opened her mouth with wisdom (which meant she had wisdom others heard and received).
She spoke with kindness.
She looked after her household WELL (and that also meant knowing her limits by hiring maids).
Her husband, who was an established, productive leader, PRAISED her.

Notice, she excelled personally, at home, at business, in her community, in the market place AND she was PRAISED by her husband.

While we see far reaching extremes from oppressive patriarchal “Christian” cultures for women, all the way to brash, feministic, non-christian culture, it is clear from the examples of Deborah and the Proverbs 31 woman that both of these extremes are a far cry from the good, loving heart of our Heavenly Father.

I’d like us to take a quick look at Sarah, who is mentioned in 1 Peter 3. Sarah is described as a woman who obeyed her husband and called him lord. Unfortunately, this passage is often taken so out of context that it has produced a cult-like, oppressive environment for women, where, in all honesty, if she operated like a true Proverbs 31 woman, she’d be labeled as “too much”, “too strong” or even “rebellious”. Scripture never contradicts scripture, but actually compliments scripture. If it appears to contradict, we must simply look further or deeper at what God is saying as a whole, which can involve context and further study.

I have seen women who are struggling in painful marriages, yet afraid of “dishonoring” their husbands by getting help and exposing the real truth of his actions and words behind closed doors, The husbands expect their wives to quietly “find a solution” that protects their reputation, which usually looks like the (already submissive) wife being “more submissive”.

In many of these marriages, the problems are quickly blamed on something a wife does or doesn’t do while the man refuses to own his need simply because he’s “the leader”.

There are times where the topic of lust and purity is a matter of how a woman dresses more than that of the man’s own heart.

Some of these men are content leading in minor material areas of life (or being the admired leader/authority figure) of their homes while leaving the most important (relational or spiritual) areas to their wives.

It’s become more of an emphasis on Position and Authority than being the reasonable, responsible and respectable leader by God’s standards. The aftermath of this “authority” focus is devastating on women.

For example, there are women still weeping over sexual abuse after many years because they’re told to forgive more than told that God is angry with what has happened. (forgiveness can only happen when you know God is just and will bring justice). In some of these cases, a perpetrator is still allowed to live freely among the women he violated. (Even a minor can be removed from the girls he wronged).

At times, if women become “too upset” because they are NOT BEING HEARD, they’ll be labeled as being “bitter” or “rebellious” and told to submit. The men of the church will decide what should and shouldn’t be done—which sometimes, means the perpetrator is allowed to stay. I realize this would be unthinkable to many good and Godly men, but this is the reality for many women in some religious communities.

To add Insult to Injury these same women are strongly admonished to: Serve their families, especially their husbands; Be eager for sex; Continue admiring of their husbands; Stay silent on what matters most—unless the husband agrees. At most, she can very gently and “submissively” broach the subject but cannot make strong statements on things even as great as what to do with a perpetrator.

The Result?? Christian men, many of your women are weeping. Some of them are becoming emotionally distraught by the lack of true friendship and loving relationship.

It’s time for God-Inspired Leadership. What does it look like?

God-Inspired Leadership:

Listens – the cry of every woman, (person really) is “to be heard” – Do you value her voice?
Leads by example – Purity of heart, sacrificially, does the hard things, NOT just the fun things.
Lets her function in her gifts, too – She has God-given influence – can you “allow” her, or even better, HELP her accomplish her goals, pursue her gifts and talents?
Lavishes her with goodness – Give to her & help her, provide for her, be generous to her.
Lessens her Load – Help her with the kids, share in household responsibilities, hire a maid…
Loves Loudly – Leave no doubt in her mind of your love her, let her hear it often, and see it always …Love hard!

This is what Godly Leadership in our homes should look like! A man is a covering, not a lid. We cover what we love and want to protect, we cover what we value, we cover what we don’t want any damage to come to.

Recently I asked one of my happily married friends if she would defer to her husband if a major decision needed to be made and they did not agree. She immediately said “Oh, yes!”

I asked her because I noticed that they were mutually happy in their relationship.

I asked her because I noticed her countenance was joyful.

I asked her because I noticed she lived without pressure, and her atmosphere spoke of peace rather than stress.

Let me assure you that I’m still in love with 1 Peter 3, where Sarah is spoken of as an exemplary woman, one we would do well to follow.

But, the leadership we often see in Christian churches is destructive for men as well, because it is producing women they don’t want to produce. Unknowingly, men are digging their own graves to a happy, fulfilling relationship—all in the name of “Biblical” teaching. Women usually won’t be happy and fun unless they are treated well, with differing roles but with equal value.

Satan laughs while women weep. He’s successfully taken a beautiful, God-given plan for the family and turned it into a damaging, patriarchal system of selfishness and hierarchy.

Godly leadership will make a good woman COME ALIVE.

Before I close out, I want to thank every man who’s shown us what it looks like to love a woman well. I sincerely hope some of you speak up in the church, for the church, for your sisters who are suffering in ways you have no idea and would come to arms if you only knew.

My faith in men stands strong because of you. And my faith in God’s plan remains unshaken as I continue to pursue a culture of honor. Perfection is never expected on either end. But mutual effort, open and kind communication, love reciprocated, and mutual honor for each other.

As one Godly man said, “It looks a lot like team work!”

“Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church.

……….Let each of you love his wife as himself.” Ephesians 5:25-29, &33a, ESV