Dear Single Mom with Traumatized Children, Part 4

Flight, fight, freeze, or fawn—which one are you, and which one is your child?

Everyone reacts differently to pain. You might have one child who runs for protection, another who tries to be strong and fight her way through life in order not to be hurt again, and another who feels depressed. You may have one who struggles with addiction.

Whatever the case, your own reaction to trauma may look very different than your child’s. And if you have multiple children, you will most likely be navigating their different ways of getting through while you stand, puzzled and unsure of what to do to help them.

By nature, I’m flight or fawn. But, I had to learn response rather than reaction during the worst pain of my life.

There is one kind of pain when your spouse packs his bags and dates a sixteen year old girl; there is another kind of pain when he takes your four children right into that mess and you get to spend a weekend alone wondering if they’re okay.

There is divorce, then there is UGLY divorce. Mine was the latter.

Let me just tell you that being forced to send my children into a bad environment was almost more than I could handle.

The children were reeling and emotional trauma took on a whole new meaning.

Single mom, I want you to know that you may have to go to plan B when it comes to raising your children. Never impose your “perfect” scenario onto a situation that is so messed up you will only do more damage if you insist on the way you’ve always done. Allow God to come into plan B and show you alternative ways of handling situations that don’t seem as good as your plan A, but that are definitely best in the situation at hand.

Don’t despair, never give up, hold steady, and always, always put your children first. Remember that grief has no time-line, and after four years you may hear a child say that he or she is only now fully grieving. Trauma can lock the brain–and when others think “he/she “should” be healed, they may only now be able to face facts enough to begin healing.

Refuse to compare and remember to walk patiently with no expectations except constant prayer for your children.

1. Respond rather than react.

When it comes to reaction, let that be your children while you hold the line of mature response. They are not able to process what happens and desperately need you to be there, 24/7 in a calm, steady way.

At this point, even seeing you in your kitchen making them lunch or dinner can help them feel steady. Any routines you had before need to stay if at all possible. Keep your home tidy, keep food on the table, and keep spending time with your children as you always did.

If you need to go to work as I did, make sure your left over time is dedicated to your children. Go out of your way to be there for them. When you have your children, it should be all about mothering them and creating an environment that is as close to the previous one as possible.

Please don’t be one of those moms who starts drinking too much, dates prematurely, and tries to drown her own sorrow with less than Godly pleasure. Your children need to see you lean into the Lord and getting your comfort from Him and from healthy people. I’m here to tell you, regardless of how long and difficult your days and nights feel, choosing rightly will only help you.

There is enough trying to pull you down, but the honest truth is—no one but you can wreck your life. This is a time to be on guard even more than before. Don’t let yourself be your greatest disaster. I cannot stress this enough—CHOOSE RIGHTLY.

Because here’s the beautiful truth: every hard thing God asks of us ends up creating the most beautiful thing.

Girl, you can run after what you think will heal you, but your soul won’t find rest until it stops to rest in Christ.

2. Surround yourself with Community

Mothers, keep attending the same church you attended before. Don’t run, hide, or try to play life as if nothing’s happening. The only time to switch churches is if things are truly better for you elsewhere. Don’t change out of embarrassment, shame, or a need to hide what is going on in your life. Again, keep things steady for your children.

3. Learn what each child needs.

Single moms need to re-evaluate every part of their parenting in light of what their children are going through.

One year, I had a child who wanted to do online school at home. I decided to let her try, thinking maybe the social pressure at school was too much for her. I registered her for online school, but oddly, nothing worked out and I had to tell her she needed to go to school. In a few weeks she was bubbling with anticipation for cross country, getting up at 5:00 in the morning to prep for her 6:00 practice at school, and asking me to take her shopping for supportive shoes. I had to switch gears quickly, do lots of paperwork, run her to the dr. for a physical at last minute, and drive her to school at 5:45 each morning for practice.

It was a lot, but the sudden joy and motivation on her face let me know it was right. Physical exercise is one of the greatest combatants for depression and anxiety. The same opportunity would not have happened at home, so this is a good example of staying open to various options. Only God knows what is truly best for your child.

4. Make good use of mentors.

My boys needed more than just me. Daily, I was keenly aware that raising boys couldn’t be done on my own. It wasn’t always easy to ask that family if my youngest child could come over for the day. But I knew he needed animals, four wheelers, and a houseful of boys with two healthy parents, so I asked multiple times in order to get him into that environment.

This couple knew what my son needed and gladly took him even though it wasn’t always convenient. And when they asked how they could help, my response usually was, “Pray, and spend time with my boys.”

A younger son will need play dates and time with a healthy father, even if it’s someone else’s father. He needs to feel what it’s like to be “one of the boys” on a manly adventure. Here is where the church comes in—single moms need families who reach out to invite their children to join them in active, fun, and meaningful things. This is one of the best ways you will ever help. It may seem small to you, but it will be big to a single mother.

An older son may need mentorship in extensive ways. Teen boys desperately need adult men to come alongside them and give of their time, energy, wisdom, and resources. To those who’ve done it for my boys, I cannot thank them enough.

Single moms may need finances, but even more, they need family. To the ones who showed up for my boys when I was begging God for it—you will never know what an answer to prayer you were, or how you impacted our lives.

5. Learn to recognize symptoms.

Do you have an angry child?

Let me tell you, what he/she is fussing over isn’t the real issue. This child is in ‘fight’ mode to protect him/herself from being hurt more. Learn to look past the angry voice and ask deeper questions. Do it in the moment to help them see you care more about the real issue than about the anger shown in the moment. Probe deeper and never walk away without showing you care, even when you want to protect yourself from anger. (This is me, and I’m still learning this one).

You may well find your angriest child melting into your arms crying vulnerable tears and telling you what’s really going on. Or, you may have one who is just angry for awhile. This takes a lot of strength to get through and you will need every possible resource to help both you and your child regain emotional clarity.

Though you show understanding for your child, never excuse ugly behavior. Your child needs to know, no matter how much they’re hurting, it is never right to hurt others because of it. Talk to them often of ownership and how no one can ever ruin their lives. Listen carefully to their feelings but always, always steer them away from a victim mentality.

This may look like listening one day, holding them, and just being there. Another day it might look like having them spend time with other adults who can help them. There is no pat answer here. Single moms with traumatized children need endurance, patience, wisdom, and a whole lot of daily faithfulness in order to keep providing stability for their children as best they are able.

There’s much to be said, but for now, dear single mom—keep your head up and know this is not the end of the story. And when you can’t hold on any longer, God holds you longest.

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him.”

James 1:12, NIV

Much Love,

Sara

How to Find to Your Authentic Personal Style


Guest Post By Rebecca VanderZon


Have you been feeling like you need a complete makeover, but are overwhelmed with responsibilities and have no extra time or money?
Do you see a cute outfit on a friend and go out shopping only to have a frustrating moment under the harsh glare of the fitting room lights?
Do you wonder if you will ever “get it all together”? If you replied yes, then this article is for you!

I absolutely love teaching women how to discover and see their beauty at every age. God created you beautiful; it’s my job to help you minimize the distractions so you can see your beauty better!

Here are 6 tips for success:

1. START NOW
Please don’t wait to “lose the baby weight” or “have more time” or any of the thought habits that are self-limiting. You are going to feel great when you treat yourself with dignity. Yes, we need to address the topic of health, but these tips are not going to teach you how to get healthy (I recommend you research and find qualified practitioners to help create a health plan that meets your specific individual needs) My tips will help you present yourself with honor, and that starts now.

Some of us, myself included, did not get much guidance while growing up on how to groom, dress, and present ourselves. Some of us are recovering from toxic relationships which forced us to compromise and minimize ourselves, leaving one to feel like only a shell or out of touch with who she is.
There is healing for this too, and it starts with now, believing who God says you are.

2. HABITS
A habit is a behavior or thought that is repeated enough times that it becomes automatic and no longer requires much energy to sustain desired results.
To create authentic style and really great outfits, you need some good habits.
Make a habit of prayer – ask God for wisdom and talk with Him in faith, believing that He will provide.

Make a habit of following seasonal sales and clearance. Join your local neighborhood “Buy Nothing Group” on Facebook. Find the consignment shops in your area and sign up for emails that tell you when they have sales or “fill a bag” days.
Make a habit of saying no to things even if its a good deal and low price tag. It’s okay to pay a little more for one quality piece that makes you feel amazing, then to own a closetful of good deals that are not flattering on you.


3. YOU NEED A GOOD FOUNDATION
Never underestimate the power of a well-fitted, high quality bra! Ladies, there is just no substitute for this one. And GOOD bras are EXPENSIVE. I learned how to afford them on a single self employed income by using a little strategy.

First: get professionally measured and fitted. Lingerie shops offer this as a free service. Victoria’s secret has bi-annual sales (Dec/June) and if you know your updated size, you can order online or shop in store. I buy really high quality bras for $8-$20 during the sale. VS has expanded their sizes to include bras for the well endowed. But my friend who wears double G prefers Layne Bryant because they are large cup only and pay extra attention to detail, quality, support, and coverage.

Are you wondering how to tell if your bra fits well? Here’s how to find out:
Has it been more then 6 months since you had a professional bra fitting?
When you bend your arm and hold in front of you, does your nipple fall lower than halfway between your shoulder and elbow?
Do you have any gaps between bra cup and breast? Or extra skin bulging out of bra on your back or armpits?
If you answered yes to any of the above, then it’s time for a girl’s day out and go get a professional fitting. Don’t wait till you have the money–go get this done for free, then you will know your exact size when the sales drop!

4. BLACK LEGGINGS
Never underrate these beautiful and classy, yet comfortable and affordable wardrobe staples. One important detail–they need to be paired with a tunic style shirt or a short dress, basically any top as long as it covers the bum. It will elevate your outfit! Waist length shirts can be presented much better in jeans or skirts. The goal here is to be both modest and attractive!

5. FIVE MINUTE FACE
Makeup doesn’t have to be expensive or time consuming. I do believe we should make sure it is made from toxin free natural minerals etc. if it’s something that is worn everyday. But I have also had seasons where I used cheap stuff because it’s what my budget allowed. I don’t recommend cheap foundation; it is better to go barefaced and just touch up eyes and brows.

Practice a 5 minute face! This will be helpful for days you want to look pulled together and refined but have little time or energy.

Walgreens will allow you to return makeup even if opened, so don’t be worried about wasting money on a color that doesn’t look right. At the end of the year they typically run a super discount clearance sale. I really like the Covergirl 24 hour lip and it’s normally $8-$10. I got on Walgreens clearance for even less.

Just remember, in regards to cosmetics, you don’t always get what you pay for. A high price tag is often just simply a high price tag. Save your money and spend it on nutrient rich foods instead since our skin, hair and glow is influenced more by what we put in our bodies!

6. YOUR SIGNATURE
Pick a scent that is memorable. I love vanilla and roses! This is where it does matter to spend some extra cash. No cheap chemical perfumes!! Use unscented laundry products and your signature scent will not be overpowered by fake soap smell.

Let your accessories express your personality! This is fun and a great way to feel like we have more outfits. A white top and blue jeans can go boho with leather and feather jewelry and sandals, or dressy with crystal and metals, black jacket with cute boots, or casual with no jewelry, a ball cap, ponytail, and sneakers. Embrace the adventure while discovering your style! Maybe you have always wanted to wear an animal print or a neon bright color, try it as a toe nail color or a pair of earrings. Accessories are my favorite way to increase my variety because they don’t take up a lot of storage space.

In closing, let’s remember that we are who God says we are! God made all of us different because He loves variety. Rather than trying to be someone else, just be the best version of yourself! And I hope you have fun putting together some amazing outfits that reflect God’s glory and your authentic style.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Vanderzon

“For you created my innermost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!” (Psalm 139: 13-17a)

Dear Single Mom-Part 3

Recently a mom asked me to write about practical tips for staying healthy and feminine in a busy life style. I told her I’d be happy to do so, because this is an important and fun topic for Christian women, but it seems only a few (and especially one) aspect of Godly femininity is usually mentioned and taught.

There is so much more to a truly beautiful woman. Godly beauty starts inwardly, yet shows itself outwardly.

Many Christian women read 1 Timothy 2:9 and interpret the Greek word used for “modest” as covering themselves appropriately. We are taught from an early age not to show too much skin and to cover our bodies in public. But I want to say, this is only part of the meaning of modesty.

“….Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” 1 Timothy 2:9

KJV translates the word for modest with this: “orderly; that is, decorous; of good behavior, modest”

Though I believe appropriately covering our bodies is important, it is difficult to argue that this is the primary meaning of the Greek word “kosmios”. Rather, I see that God wants us to wear clothing that is pleasing to the eye in a modest manner. We are to take care of our appearance and make sure it is orderly and even decorous. In short, women who are pleasant in their appearance bring glory to God.

The Christian church has focused on “modesty” (their interpretation of modesty) more than on health. I’ve watched the results—many fully covered, unhealthy, unhappy women who are not taught the actual meaning of “kosmios”.

Here are a few things I believe are vital for Godly womanhood:

1. Do what you can to stay healthy.

One of the first steps to spiritual, emotional, and physical health is to keep our weight in check. Buy the weight loss program if you have to. Make it priority—rule over food rather than allow food to rule over you.

Buy a good scale and watch your weight–and if you’re married, do this even while pregnant. “Eating for two” doesn’t mean inhaling two donuts or five pancakes. Double up on the veggies, protein, and vitamins instead, if you need to. If we’re really eating for two rather than eating for ourselves, we’ll be eating in ways that are actually good for our baby and our body. Remember, you’re eating for your baby to form in the healthiest way possible.

The scale is your friend. Use it often and if you see numbers go up, do what it takes to stop the incline before you have serious regrets. This includes while you’re pregnant. If you consume too many empty calories while pregnant, the scale won’t drop easily after the baby is born. (Don’t allow yourself to gain 80 pounds if you only need to gain 40, etc.)

I’m not talking about being a size 2. BUT, I believe women need to encourage each other to stay healthy. Emotionally eating ourselves to ten sizes larger than we should be is not becoming for Godly women. This is a sensitive topic and not one we hear taught, but we need to start hearing it! Physical appearance matters and it affects us more than we know. Let’s not label health and fitness as worldly, but realize this is an area where the church often fails to live exemplary lives. Others look on and wonder why Christians preach against addictions, yet are addicted to over-indulgence with food. Do not all addictions harm the body, and why should teens accept preaching against nicotine from a father or mother who is grossly overweight and literally killing him/herself with sugar?

These are tough questions. But strong women are not afraid to face tough questions. It is high time for us to have worthy answers for those looking on.

Let’s face it—all addictions (not just some) are harmful and unbecoming to Christian women. And often, the more “religious” a group is, the numbers of overweight and unhealthy people increase. Religion labels certain things, but the Spirit of Christ sanctifies ALL things.

2. Exercise.

Getting active is vital for our health as moms. For many years, I pushed two or three babies in a used stroller for my exercise. I walked into town with them, walked around blocks before dinner, pushed them up and down a dusty country road. Wherever we lived, I did what I could with what I could.

Later years allowed for Cross Fit, weights, etc., but even then, the gym was a treat rather than a constant. Busy moms can even get on their living room floor and do leg lifts, crunches, and squats. We can do jumping jacks with our kids and have the best laughs watching them try to co-ordinate their limbs as they jump!

After each of my babies was born, I’d lay on my floor and lift my legs a few inches off the ground to tighten my stomach muscle. The burn and tightness in my abdominal muscles was entirely cost-free, took ten minutes, and could be done with my children all around me. My exercise was incredibly simple some years, but the point was to get moving!

In olden days, a woman’s regular day brought natural effort to their bodies. Scrubbing clothes by hand, hoeing a garden, or walking for water all fostered community and exercise. In today’s world, we can throw laundry into a washer, throw rice into an insta pot, and turn on a faucet for water. The end result is ease but no exercise. So, we have to be intentional about health as never before.

3. Don’t over-spend.

In today’s world, you can wear attractive clothing for only a few dollars. Don’t buy into the lie that it’s okay to walk around looking terrible because you’re a mom and don’t have extra money. Keep yourself fresh and clean, especially if you’re married. (You don’t need make-up—you just need health, peace, kindness, and good hygiene.

I’ve had very little manicures or pedicures. My hands have callouses and I usually stare wistfully at beautifully maintained finger nails, but I simply don’t have the time or money to spend on pedis and manis. Honestly, I’d rather head to a garden or a barn than into a nail salon, but that’s my Amish farm girl coming out. Those who know me best know I’m happiest out with the animals and dirt, or scaling a mountain.

I buy inexpensive jewelry. When I get compliments I often have to say, “This cost me $5.” I don’t own expensive jewelry and I’m okay with that.

So for those of us who think we can let ourselves go because we don’t have money for a gym membership or clothe purchases, just know that you can purchase a few outfits at Goodwill and work out at home. Even healthy food doesn’t have to be expensive. Be content and be disciplined!!

I put aside the cotton over alls I wanted due to price. I did purchase the $13 Walmart dress. Choices like these help us manage both our wallets and appearance!

4. Let go of the lie that in order to be pleasantly dressed you have to be into the latest fashion.

Truth is, I dislike some of the latest fashions and the other truth is, I don’t want to spend money being up to par with all of that. BUT, I do study clothing and body shapes. Some of us look terrible in what others look great in. Some things are appropriate for one body shape but too revealing for another. Whatever the case, I’ve found joy in a simple approach to clothing where I ponder what looks good or doesn’t look good, yet am not a slave to keeping up with all the latest fads.

We are not Hollywood actresses or fashion models—but hear me carefully, Christian women—our physical appearance is important when it comes to staying healthy and knowing how to dress.

Our bodies are not our own and are to glorify Christ. He is all goodness and love. Do people feel inspired when they look at us?

5. Don’t gain attention by showing too much skin.

Real women don’t have to show everything in order to know they are worth more than anything. Be beautiful, but keep your sexuality for the bedroom. When in public, have class and dignity about you that attracts appreciation and respect more than whistles and leers from player men.

A truly beautiful woman is a faithful woman who loves her husband and strives to be his best friend.

And if I can put a word in for swim wear, here: girls, some of your bikinis aren’t even bikinis anymore. If you’re okay with wearing one, at least cover your bum. Enough said. 🙂

6. Skin Care.

I’m not rigorous about the perfect skin care routine, but it is important to put at least moisturizer on your face twice a day. Wash and care for your skin. Take daily showers, especially if you’re married. The beauty of a woman is the cleanliness of a woman more than the expense spent on a woman. In other words, a healthy, clean woman is often more attractive than an unhealthy woman who spends hundreds of dollars each month to doll herself up.

So don’t stress about skin. You can go as easy as a natural coconut oil if you like. Most of us can’t afford dermatology or expensive skin care and that’s okay! Health comes from the inside out which means what you put into your body affects your skin.

And as you age, forget about getting as tan as you can in summer. Protect your skin more than you used to, to avoid brown spots and leathery skin. Especially if you live in the South! Staying tan is difficult in winter anyway, but healthy skin can be enjoyed year round.

7. Embrace Aging.

What is more needed and lovely than a radiant grandma?! I don’t know about you, but I need grandmothers with grey hair, soft arms, and fires burning in their hearth, heart, and homes. I need grandmothers whose bodies may be growing feeble while their hearts burn with wisdom and insight more than ever.

Only a selfish woman who thinks her value comes from youth and outer beauty will fight and kick the aging process. Having this as your focus leaves you empty, with nothing for the soul of others to connect to. Stay healthy, active, and pleasant—but don’t fret the wrinkles! Just smile a little more as you grow older and allow the joy of you to override the aging of you.

7. Worship.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman who worships her way through life. Honor God by worshiping Him through your tears. Truly thank Him for the joys of life. Be a thousand times grateful for the one time critical or negative.

Remember that your soul can be beautiful regardless of who or what is around you. What atmosphere do others get in your presence? Who are YOU—because who your soul is matters more than what your circumstances are.

Christian woman, remember there is so much more to modesty than what is usually taught. Be a lovely, feminine, attractive person in your soul, and strive to show that in your appearance. Even if you’re a tomboy who hates girly things and finds herself out shooting guns and riding horses—be a real woman and be proud of it!!

Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”

Psalm 34:5

XO,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 2

Yesterday I walked the mall with my children in search of back-to-school clothes. I played pool with my little boy, took him for a bike ride, watched our favorite show with the two youngest, and had Bible time. And when the oldest daughter came home from work I was available to do some silly dancing with her even while protesting every moment of her goofiness.

I’m listing all the above because the day felt like a miracle.

When I became a single mom and went to work, the most difficult thing was not working hard; it was leaving my children.

I had four children, a large home to maintain and care for, and I had home schooled for ten years. The four were my heart and soul walking outside my body—and they still are.

I wasn’t college educated and had very little experience in the working world even though I grew up working harder than most children or young adults. Life as an Amish girl equips you well in certain aspects, but (and here I’m being vulnerable beyond what is comfortable), when I became a single mom, I didn’t know where to turn for a job.

I knew how to turn out enough food in the kitchen for an army in a matter of a few hours.

I knew how to kill a chicken and turn it into a meal.

I knew how to sew, garden, and even use power tools.

I could write and speak and publish books.

But I started at ground zero when it came to the business world. Painstakingly, I learned all about paying bills, starting a business, and running an air bnb.

And I’m here to tell you—how it all worked out was a God thing, because I was in tears.

I lived in a beautiful part of the world where mountains meet the sea, so the basement of my large home turned into a cozy air bnb. I got to use my love for hosting as almost each night in summer filled up with guests from around the world. They were a balm to my aching heart and the bank account filled up until I could purchase the car we so desperately needed.

The day my company showed up in white cars and it struck me all over again. 🙏

I’ll never forget that Christmas month when I drove a lovely white Kia Sorento home to my children. “Look what God did!” Four years later I’m still driving that car and thanking God for it.

I didn’t know how to purchase a car. For the thousandth time, I knew I needed to learn, or get help. I chose the latter. God had me randomly run into a couple who had already wanted to meet me, and we became fast friends. They parented me through the entire process until all I had to do was head to various places checking out cars, and write a check for the one we all decided on. What a beautiful God process that was.

Once again, my weakness was perfected by his strength—and a large part of that was through God’s people who came alongside to help.

I owe them a lot, but here’s the beautiful thing—we both know we owe God everything.

In this part of God’s story, I’m the receiver and they are the givers—but the marvelous thing is that we both know the Ultimate Gift.

I never dreamed I could buy a car with cash. And as I drove it around town, this lovely car became part of my healing.

I could do this.

I was going to make it.

I discovered how incredibly easy it is to pay bills online. I ran my air bnb and slowly built up clientele for a cleaning business. Day after day after day, I learned, planned, and worked to rebuild my life and care for my children while at night my pillow soaked wet with tears and I begged God for grace to get up the next morning.

The right thing is almost never the easy thing. But doing the hard thing will create blessings for the duration of your life. Never forget that choosing the next yes to God is the best thing you will ever do.

Never mind the struggle—always mind your God.

The need to move out of state with the children became obvious, and once again I was faced with firsts.

There was a house to find and rent online.

There were plane tickets to buy, a large homestead to clear out, and four children to move across the country.

And when we got there, a start over on business.

Let me tell you, delivering 3000 flyers to mail boxes is not my cup of tea. Neither is starting a business while Covid hits.

Friends warned me not to bank on it. “Business can take years to build up,” they realistically said. But God came through once again, and as I got one client, then two, then three, they started putting word out and business flew off the roof.

The days were long, grueling, and hot. Southern summers are smotheringly hot and cleaning is not easy. Again, day after day after day of struggle to get through work while mothering four children in a new area was anything but easy.

I cried out to God for grace and learned to accept help from family and friends. I would not have been able to do what I did without accepting help, and I owe these beautiful people a lot–but, some things you can never repay and that is the beauty of giving and receiving.

Rather than file my own taxes, I hired an accountant. When the time came to visit my parents, I flew rather than drove. I said no to multiple things so I could say yes to the effort it took to make life function.

Single mom, I see you. And I’m here to say, if you have offers to help, accept them. Say yes to all of them because you’ll need help. The part of you that also needs rejuvenation hasn’t died with the rest of your life, and when friends offer, that means they know, they love, and they truly want to be there.

Hear me on this, and let it sink it every day—you weren’t meant to do this thing alone.

God never designed you to run work, family, and home without help. You need things and people in place to fill in every gap you can fill while you let yourself off the hook and out of the lie that you should be able to be everything for everyone, even still.

Single mom, don’t try to be superhuman. Just be a real human relying on grace and love to create the best you can of your life in spite of the worst thing that happened in your life.

Before long I was turning down work—and after two years I am sitting in a cozy cafe with my little boy doing my favorite thing of writing while two employees handle the work load for the day. I still had to pray my way out of the bed this morning, because four years of single mothering has me wanting days (not hours) of rest.

But this girl who knew nothing of the business world has a registered business running without my hands today. This fact alone speaks of the tender loving hand of God watching me all along with His own plans for my life. When I could see nothing but another hard day, he could see ahead to a beautiful plan.

Like Job, I sat in the dust and whispered, “Though you slay me, yet will I trust you.” (Job 13:15)

I learned to give thanks in everything rather than for everything. Big difference! God doesn’t cause the bad in your life but because He’s God, He wins over it all and brings the winning good right into the bad to over ride it and display His grace.

Job didn’t know he was on trial, that Satan was trying to bring him down, but God knew he’d pull through and would not put the name of God to shame by turning his back in a place of pain.

God brought Job through. And He’ll bring you through. One way or another, however it happens, God will bring you through. Allow His people to help you and lean heavily into Him where you’ll find sustaining grace.

I tell my daughters all the time, “God’s peace doesn’t always remove pain, but it over-rides pain because it’s greater, bigger, and on the winning side.”

Teach your children that grace wins and they can be part of grace. Be patient as they flounder and struggle through trauma. Hold your ground steady so they can see something steady in their blown-apart world.

Community matters, and you are such a great part of community. Honestly, I can’t wait to have more time on my hands so I can host the part of community I care about so deeply—single moms who unexpectedly find themselves alone.

And yet, I want to tell you, dear single mom, you are not alone. If you stay with Christ, you have the God of angel armies always by your side. That army surrounds you in the court room, on the job front, and as you mother your children. That same God enters your room at night when you feel alone and gives you grace to rise for another day.

When you stay with God, you will heal—because God can do nothing else. He is all goodness, all healing, all love, and all grace.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast. (1 Peter 5:10)

Regaining Emotional Clarity—Don’t Live by Your Emotions, Part 8

Every once in awhile my eyes roll to my head when I’m listening to teen girls gab about boys.

Yes, the boy thing. And how do you tell them that this boy most likely isn’t the future husband when all the emotions say otherwise?

During those moments I see clearly what God must see so clearly about us—that much of our lives are based off immediate emotional reactions rather than deliberate Godly responses.

Girl sees cute boy and bam—all the natural emotional responses start rolling.

It takes self control to wait, decide what you want with life and relationships, and work on character rather than premature dating. A wise parent will do her best to encourage the latter even when emotional responses from a child would cause her to buckle.

But teen love and dating is not the only thing that can be ruined by natural emotional responses. What about us? As fully grown adults, how do we live?

“The irony of the term “self control” is that it is not about our act of taking control, but rather about our surrendering control to God.” ~Jennifer Ussleman, Choosing to Choose Better

https://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Choose-Better-Changes-Everything/dp/1637324553/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_2?crid=25M269BN3ZHP7&keywords=choosing

I don’t think there’s really any way we can force our emotions in line with the will of God. Usually, emotions over-power better knowledge. But surrendering ourselves to the Lord makes us new creatures, which means there’s an inner response more powerful than a natural reaction.

As a friend once said, “When God does something, it’s like there’s an aroma of the Holy Spirit that is just different than something outside of His will.”

We can’t always show our children the difference until they experience it personally, but we can, as parents, do our best to guide them toward wisdom.

This is our responsibility.

This is our duty.

This is our job.

(My babies plus one more from Slovokia. We love you, Tampka!)

But back to ourselves. Living above our emotions affects how we discern the will of God (not the easy way, but the right way), how we eat, speak, and run our businesses. It affects what atmosphere people sense when they’re around us, how much life they glean from our presence in the room.

What atmosphere do you bring to the table?

And what about this—living above emotions even affects how we eat. We’re suddenly able to choose for health rather than weigh our bodies down with excess junk.

Eat to get your emotions comforted and you’ll end up emotionally uncomfortable when you step on the scale or go clothes shopping. Making the better choice in spite of emotions ends up setting your emotions free.

Eating for life instead of emotions is a good picture of what happens in all of life when we choose higher than feelings. Suddenly, we start feeling better.

Get this—when you no longer allow your feelings to run your life, you suddenly start feeling better and living a better life.

(Nutritious and deliscious–curry chicken salad, brown bread, and all things fresh.)

Our emotions are here to guide us, not rule us. They are one factor, not the greatest factor. They are useful tools, not the end of wisdom. This means that if your emotions are leading you astray, you reign them in and follow wisdom instead.

Your feelings can even be swayed by religion. Amish people are taught that owning a car is worldly. Because their feelings have been conditioned by culture and decades of religion, they will truly feel guilty when they purchase a car.

(My world as a child.)

A muslim woman will feel guilty for exposing her face. And I, as an Amish girl, remember hiding behind the refrigerator when a man from church knocked on the door. My feelings told me that for him to see my hair would be shameful.

Even religion has to humbly exchange itself for relationship, and bow itself to the pure, holy, written Word of God that will change or bow to no one and for no one. It is not God’s job to fit our interpretation of His will; it is our job to surrender to His perfect Word and will, even when it collides with what we’ve always been taught.

Ironic, isn’t it? At the cross, we kneel low so our souls can rise high. All of us, inside and out, need to bow at the cross and subject ourselves to a Greater Word.

Whatever we feel in the process will eventually be exchanged for greater grace than we’d ever know, were we to bow to anything less than the Word of God.

Choosing rightly may never change your circumstances, but it will absolutely change your heart. And that, my friends, is a greater miracle we can only know when we’ve experienced the beautiful, loving presence of Jesus Christ. Emotions can lead us astray, but He will always lead us upward, onward, and into freedom.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12, ESV)

Seven Steps to Real Friendship

I thought perhaps I’d feel lonely in a city by myself, but the opposite was true as I faced a window and unashamedly inhaled a large burger while watching hundreds of people pass by.

Asheville is a city of the arts and it shows on the people walking downtown on a Friday night. “Love” is all you need seems to be written on faces as they puff out clouds of nicotine and show their purple hair.

Others are tourist-like families, here to enjoy mountains for a short while before heading back to stuffy offices and brick church buildings. Still others are local people, enjoying their flavorful city while hosting those of us who wish to live here, but cannot.

The back door to my air bnb is wide open and I’m sharing a small, earthy looking bathroom with dear knows who. A cock roach creeps down stucco-like walls and disappears behind a cotton curtain hung to hide the plumbing. I open the door while I brush my teeth so I can escape quickly should it scramble at me from beneath the curtain.

But back to people watching!

Everyone was out to connect. Dinner together, walking together, listening to live music together—the whole town was buzzing and I realized all over again how much humans need connection.

We are body and spirit, with the greater part of us being spirit. We get lonely because we focus on bodily needs while we neglect the greater needs of soul and spirit.

Did you know loneliness is one of the worst things for our health? We were born to be connected, soul to soul, spirit to spirit. And most importantly, creation was made to connect to the Creator.

Yet, people look at bodily image to decide whether or not to connect their soul to another. Popular, pretty girls want to be friends with other popular pretty girls, forgetting that no one can decide what features they possess, yet everyone can decide what heart they carry. When girls choose their friends on appearance and popularity, they often by-pass the most golden people who could show them the real meaning of love and friendship.

It’s time for humanity to remember the importance of the soul. Look deep within and choose your people based on the kind of people they are in their soul.

Let’s look at a few ways we can connect with others. How do we make friends?

1. Ask about other people’s lives.

We all know the Sallys and Janes who talk non-stop about themselves until you want to groan and plug your ear with a corn cob. Or peanuts. Or anything to stop the incessant self-focused chatter.

When you’re with other people, purposefully ponder what questions are fitting to ask about their lives and interests. Rare is the person who delights in others so well that he asks question after question to get another person to open up and enjoy a conversation.

When others talk about something, rather than switch the conversation back on yourself with your own story, ask another question about what they just said. You’ll be surprised at the difference in feedback and engagement as others feel heard and wanted.

2. Learn to know who your people are.

Not everyone is cut out to be your friend. You are not everyone’s cup of tea. This is okay, because you’ll be another person’s favorite drink. And when you find that instant connection kind of friend, hang onto it and develop it purposefully. Learn what your friend loves—and do the thing.

One of mine sent me a coffee mug with a goat on it because she found out I love goats. It warms my heart every time I fill it with coffee. Periodically she sends me goat videos. It’s odd how something so small makes me feel connected to her and loved by her.

If you’re not connecting with someone, relax and accept it. Don’t force friendships. Go with the flow and love everyone with a laid back ease void of stress. Just love people and smile at them.

3. “A (woman) who has friends must show herself friendly.

Somewhere along the way, extroverts have been made out to be “more spiritual” than introverts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Showing yourself friendly doesn’t have to mean you love crowds and can’t wait to host families for lunch after church. Being friendly could mean you hate crowds and prefer one to one conversation because there, you can connect deeply. It might mean you don’t enjoy hosting but you do it anyway, sometimes, because there’s a need for old fashioned hospitality. You may not be bubbly but you will definitely be loving. You may not barbeque and serve exotic drinks but you’ll invite others onto your couch and gather them around your table in your own way of loving them.

And if you can’t have people over, you can take a meal to someone. A warm casserole speaks a thousand words!

4. Celebrate others.

Women who celebrate other women are real queens. We know them when we find them. They are secure in Christ, busy doing what they’re called to do, and satisfied with the love of Jesus. There is no need to compare or want another’s life when we’re in the life we know we’re called to live.

Only when you truly celebrate another woman’s joys do you have the right to enter her sorrow.

Let’s sit on that for a minute.

A woman who is uncomfortable with your success can easily come rushing to “comfort” you when grief strikes. She is more comfortable with your loss than your gain. Please sisters, let’s be bigger than that. Be a woman who provides community and belonging to all because everyone senses your deep desire to see them thrive.

Celebrating others is FUN!

4. Don’t be offended if some people are too busy to strike up the friendship you’d love to share with them.

I was a preacher’s daughter and my whole life geared to hosting, reaching out, and making sure others felt loved by our family. We were so busy loving on others that we sometimes neglected each other. So I never expect to be close friends with pastors or leaders even though I’m drawn to them. The conversation is different when you hang out with motivated leaders—but the pull you feel toward them may be your invitation to join them in what they do rather than add more ministry to what they do. The former will give life to both of you while the latter could drain them and disappoint you.

Rather than demand friendship or feel left out if you’re not invited over, realize that a family cannot possibly have everyone in the church over. Look for other ways to find your people. Join a small group, volunteer for worship or women’s ministry or Sunday School—involve yourself in your own gifts rather than wait to be invited or included. We are all responsible to cultivate and utilize our gifts!

5. Don’t expect to make your friends on a Sunday morning.

Church is not the only place for deep friendships to happen. Good friends need space outside of church to hang out and do life together. (My best friends are those I see outside of church.)

Be the kind of person another feels safe with, watch for the people who will naturally connect with you, and invite those who need friends whether or not you connect well with them. As much as possible, host people in your home and around your table. Let them see you real and raw, in your own space. Find more joy in reaching out to lonely people than you do in being included by others.

Christians are in their best element when they are connecting with Christ and the world around them. This might even look like heading downtown to the most poverty stricken areas with a team of people, just to love and be there for others. The world is so full of people wanting connection that there is less reason than ever for anyone to live in loneliness.

6. Be Yourself.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Be the same person with your model friend as you are with your back-woodsy, goat loving farm friend. Remember that every human soul longs for connection. Your model friend isn’t looking for class as much as she’s looking for connection. Be warm to all and you’ll find warmth from a vast variety of people, non of whom need you to change who you are.

7. Always Improve Yourself.

Be inspiring to hang out with. There’s something invigorating about being with others who are passionate about their callings, love their hobbies, and are content with what they have. Improving ourselves doesn’t have to mean possessing material things; growth is a heart posture where we see what is lacking and work toward becoming better people, where we take a good look at our gifts and callings, then purpose to function in those to the best of our ability.

Be light and life—and in your own way, just LOVE PEOPLE.

Clique Christian Quotes: How is Jesus Enough?

I’m the first to say that I don’t like most clique Christian quotes thrown at hurting people in an effort to “help” them.

“Jesus is enough” to someone who’s lonely.

“You’ll see him again one day” to some one who’s grieving a death or miscarriage.

“Be content” to a mother who desperately needs a bigger house.

Or, the famous “Repent of your lack of joy” when tears keep flowing for “too long”.

But what is too long, and why is healing so often delayed?

I’d love to take a look inside the world of sorrow, where joy is a window carved into dark walls, feeling far out of reach to someone whose world has gone up in flames hot enough for smoke to keep billowing into the atmosphere for months and years, affecting the very air they breathe on a daily basis.

I’d love to talk with the person who wakes in despair no matter the amount of Bible verses you tell yourself to believe.

And I’d love to address the sudden frustration you may experience when others speak into your situation with no experience and a few pat quotes to “get you moving along to healing”.

You might feel guilty that you’re not acquainted with the reality imposed on you by those verses. To top it off, you may feel angry by another assuming you needed to hear words that seem so far out of reach. OR, you may feel only despair because you don’t know how to experience what they’re talking about.

I’m here to tell you that those words are not out of reach, and your right as a child of God is to experience them in the deepest recesses of your soul.

Hope, life, healing, and actual joy—how does that sound?!

I’d like to share a few things on how to get there, if that’s okay. Because I absolutely know how you’re feeling right now, and I’d love to breathe hope into you as others did into me.

1. The Christian church often denies humanity in its efforts to attain spirituality.

How about this, instead?

Rather than being in denial of our humanity, we invite Jesus into our humanity.

We weren’t created to deny the truth of our loneliness; we were made to invite Jesus into our loneliness.

We weren’t asked to stuff grief into some inner box while we paste on a “holy” smile at church; we were invited to watch Jesus weep with us, and find comfort in mutual tears. Remember how He wept with Mary and Martha, standing by the tomb before calling Lazarus from the dead?

And in our quest for contentment, we weren’t told to deny that we have needs; rather, Jesus invites us to ASK Him for what we need.

Rather than push our needs away, we are invited to bring Jesus into those needs.

2. Forcing needs to the back burner deprives us of bringing Jesus to the forefront of our lives.

I don’t have much more to say except that the shift in thinking is vital to healing.

Spiritualizing or denying needs makes us more needy because we lock Jesus out when we deny how much we need Him IN.

Acknowledging our grief, loneliness, pain makes us fully aware that we need Jesus to be with us.

This brings us to one of those clique quotes: “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I beg to disagree! My life was far too much for me to handle. I recognized that as joy threatened to disappear entirely. I begged and asked, cried and prayed—and God came with His beautiful, beautiful presence inside of me.

There are no words for the beautiful presence of Jesus. When you experience Him, there is no one Who could take His presence. Then, when you’re tempted with something, you’ll turn away because your greatest fear is no longer deprivation, it is living without the presence of God.

God replaces deprivation with invitation.

For several years, I asked God for joy. Day spun onto weary day as I did the next thing, trying to find the presence of God to be enough. And as I recognized that I was not enough, I was forced to lean so hard on Jesus, my weight on Him proving that He wouldn’t crash along with everything else in my life. That fact alone drew me to His heart more, more, and more until I was blown away by His good, good presence within me.

The other day I did a short video on finding joy in plan B. I wished I could have explained the hope I felt after living with debilitating grief.

Because when I speak about HEALING, I am speaking about GRIEF.

Grief invites Grace.

Loneliness invites company.

Pain invites Healing.

Let me ask you this: Why can people like Joni Erickson Tada find abundant life?

Because she learned to reckon with a paralyzed body and face her grief over it. Something devastating led her to look to Some One for deliverance.

He did it for me; He did it for her; and He will do it for YOU.

Regaining Emotional Clarity—Eight Steps to Healing (Part 6)

When people reach out to ask what the most helpful things have been for soul-healing, my brain does a spin while my heart pauses.

Healing was long, difficult, and multi-faceted with no assurance I was ever going to get there. Divorce and betrayal so deeply devastated me that I couldn’t know then what I know now.

My sister would tell me, “Sara, you won’t always feel this way. You won’t always be this sad.”

I could smile, yes. But I couldn’t shake that deep despair and dread threatening to engulf me with each waking morning. This lasted, much of the time, for a few years. So I can relate to the person whose spouse has cheated and he or she lives with debilitating despair.

Jesus Christ healed me as only He can do. It was not a simple fix after someone glibly quoted “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Don’t ever do that to a grieving person, by the way.) My healing was long, on-going, and needed to happen from every angle. It came bit by bit, and God was okay with that. But after 3.5 years, I knew it had happened.

The spirit of God touched me at a conference and I knew then that I was free. Weeping on a church floor does something to you. Staying there helplessly, like a child, letting God take your everything while filling you with SOMETHING (rather, SOMEONE), allows the tension to dissipate while your soul sinks into a peace not known by natural circumstances.

To those asking me about healing, I want you to know a few things:

1. God is okay with your process.

Others may think you’re not “spiritual enough” or “surrendered enough” if you continue grieving, but Jesus never said that.

When Lazarus died, Jesus didn’t rush to resurrect Him, though He knew that’s what He would do in the end. Get this, friend—Jesus stood there, weeping when He could have rushed to call Lazarus from the tomb. I believe Jesus wanted Mary and Martha to know He was engaging in their grief.

Isaiah 53:3 calls Him a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief”.

One of the first and most important steps to healing from grief is to first engage it honestly. This might look like a day in bed, months where you watch Netflix more than read the inspirational books you used to read, or anything else that helps. A traumatized soul means a weary brain. And a weary brain needs to rest in order to rebuild itself.

Accept your grief, accept your weakness—and be okay with staying there for awhile. Just make sure you invite Jesus to stay there with you. That makes all the difference because He won’t leave you there.

2. Do things you’ve always wanted to do.

Since my divorce I’ve been on my best and longest mountain hikes (with some of the best people), I’ve gone sky-diving and allowed my body to hurl out of a plane two miles in the air, I’ve jumped from 100 foot towers, and learned dancing (which I’ve wanted to do for years).

Stepping out for things you love is vital to healing because it removes trauma from your brain for a short while. Like a shocker, you’re reminded that there are other aspects to life than the part that makes you curl up in a ball, weeping. You get glimpses of hope even if you may not stay there. These small glimpses give you courage to keep going even if despair rolls back in.

Whatever it is that makes you come alive, do it and keep doing it.

3. Engage your anger, but don’t turn into an angry person.

My nature, I am not an angry person. But I had to accept that feeling angry over betrayal was a good thing. I tried various outlets including burning garbage and old furniture, cleaning out all the remaining belongings of the person I was hurt by, and I even tried breaking glass jars one day. Seeing my husband with a teen-aged child did something to me that I can’t describe and I needed outward outlets for the inner pressure. This is not wrong and can be helpful.

But after releasing anger, choose to forgive. Bitterness will only cage your own soul in. You deserve more than to turn into an ugly person because of the ugly someone else threw your way. And I have to say, there are few things as ugly as a bitter woman. I was determined not to turn into one, and I realized I didn’t have to. There was so much good to immerse my soul into, that was more powerful than the one bad thing I could have sunk into.

4. Immerse yourself in a culture of honor.

Simply put, you need people to surround you, be there for you, and call out the best in you during the worst time of your life. My community of friends saved me. They believed in me. They rallied for me. Before, during, and after the divorce they treated me the same—with more honor than I had ever received in my life.

Find yourself friends who lift your soul rather than drag you into more depression. Find friends who know your heart so well that they don’t even need to ask about anything else. Sit with them and let them love you. Go out to dinners with them as you’ve always done. Cry with them and let them weep with you. Whatever you do, make sure you have a community who lifts your soul.

5. Choose forgiveness.

I asked it for years, “God, what does forgiveness look like? What does it feel like? How do I know I’ve forgiven?”

When I realized how much Father God hated what was done to me, I realized how much I could trust Him to take care of what was done to me. Seeing God changes everything. God does not blithely pass by one of His daughters in distress. You will get to stand still and watch Him fight for you.

When you realize you can hand your offender into the hands of God, you realize you’re okay with however God chooses to handle that person.

At that point, any gaps in your feelings become less than the focal point. God has taken over. You’ve chosen forgiveness, you’ve chosen God, and as the years pass by He will take you deeper into that secret place where you know what forgiveness feels like. Until then, trust Him with your lesser feelings as you choose Him for His greater LOVE.

6. Repent and own your mistakes

I remember when a friend reached out with these words, “Sara, you don’t have to be perfect.”

At the time, she knew why she said that more than I knew. I was so devastated by the divorce that I felt like I had to be perfect. Slowly, I realized no one can possibly be perfect and it was not only okay for me to acknowledge my imperfections; it was also important. I owned my mistakes in life without taking ownership for the divorce.

This set my soul free from the bondage of needing to be a perfect woman. I realized it was impossible, and it was fully okay to be human and to verbalize areas of growth that needed to happen in my life while in no way agreeing to or owning the divorce. (Of course I agreed to it later as the affair became obvious and ongoing).

For everyone in every season of life, a God-awareness of personal need is a gift. I learned to bask in the love of Jesus and talk to Him about all of it, telling Him I was sorry for any and every failure, and asking Him to help me change. Here, I learned how very much He loved me and was with me even when I wasn’t perfect. What a gift this became to my soul!

7. Stay on track.

In times of grief it is easier to lose sight of who we are, but so important to stay on track. If you’re a faithful, God fearing woman, keep right on being one. If you have children, keep prioritizing them. Remind yourself that keeping your home clean, serving your children, getting out of bed when it’s hard to do so–all of it will pay off and will help you keep building your life even as parts of it crash. Wash your face, clean the toilets, cook dinner for the kids–do what you’ve always done to create a lovely atmosphere for your family.

Above all else, keep your morals. Be careful with men. Vulnerable women can still be faithful women. Don’t allow the devil to rob you of even more by giving him space in this area of your life. The rewards for faithfulness are great and it is a vital part of your healing.

8. Never stop seeking.

I promise you. You who are in the depths of despair—I promise you that if you seek Jesus, He will heal you. Perhaps not in your time or way, but He will—and that’s all that matters. And while you feel no hope, I speak hope over you, to you, for you, and into you.

Never give up. Sooner or later, your soul will rise to the Son of Man who has already risen with healing in His wings. (Malachi 4:2)

And if you want to talk, find me in the contact page and I will get back to you. I will weep with you, stand in the gap for you, speak things over you that you cannot yet believe for yourself.

I’m here for you.

Love,

Sara

About the Sex Thing

I’m a single woman with strong convictions on sexual purity outside of marriage. But, I was married for many years and have been passionate about women’s health for many years—so it’s time to pick back up where I left off and not allow my status as a single woman render me voiceless on this important topic that is still dear to my heart because it concerns the health of women and relationships.

The sex topic is huge. Not only huge, it is sensitive, vulnerable, threatening to some, and painful to others. Some avoid it while others seek it. So I write this carefully, but I’m writing to those who are married, given my stand on sex only being permissible within marriage.

I’m not very old (yet), but I’ve seen a lot. From the purity culture to a feminist world, the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of women took my interest many years ago. I saw door-mat-like, voiceless women, I watched truly happy, fulfilled women, and I observed feministic women who talk about “being themselves” while avoiding everything feminine that would bring out the best of their true make-up as a woman. “Being themselves” led them far from their true selves.

In both the Amish world and the secular world, I noticed something—women are happier, healthier, and more satisfied in their marriages when they see the goodness of sex.

Not just monthly sex, either. Sex as an important part of life, where you make time for your husband and uncover the beauty of sex, makes for happier women in the long run. Not just happier, but also healthier. Some women may say they don’t need it—and if hormones are causing your body a temporary shut down, that’s understandable—but you still need to connect with your husband sexually before too much time passes.

Sex is a goldmine that should be pursued and uncovered at the expense of other priorities, if need be.

In a healthy marriage, sex brings mutual satisfaction to both partners. It is no longer one giving and one receiving, but both giving and receiving for a mutually satisfying experience.

Sex is a unifying physical act with major emotional and spiritual ties connected to it. This is why God wants commitment to precede sex. It is not cheap, light, or without ramifications.

Women are valuable. I try to speak that to my daughters in a sex saturated world where the pressure is high. Some loser kid in a truck hasn’t earned you, child. You’re worth more than to be used, then discarded for the next hot kiss.

I’m pulling my teens onto my bed at night while I read Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-Thirteen Generation by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Of course they groan and think I’m giving speech number 101 on sexual purity, but I smile and tell them that at least they’ll never be able to say that mama skirted uncomfortable topics.

At our house, we talk about all of it. Body parts, bodily functions, sex, it’s meaning, it’s value, when it should and shouldn’t happen. The topic is endless when there are three teens in the house.

Sex is a good topic, not a shameful one. Mothers need to embrace and enjoy sex, then transfer that attitude to their daughters. Some days you’ll laugh, some days you’ll be serious—but whatever you do, don’t assume your child is okay, even if they’re in youth group or church.

There can be so much toxicity even in church groups that we can take nothing for granted. A mother can think her child is in good company, yet find out there was a loser kid in the crowd who took advantage of her daughter.

When your children are extra sad or grumpy, check in. Ask them if they’ve been violated. Leave no stone un-turned when you sit on that bed and talk to your teen. Even if they don’t want to talk at the moment, they will know that mama is unafraid of any topic. When they’re ready, they will know it’s okay to talk.

Silence in the sex arena has led to devastation on all accounts.

Sexual abuse runs untamed because women are too afraid to uncover the sin. Sometimes, they’re even told to forgive by being silent and letting it go. What a horrible, wrong interpretation of forgiveness. (Read more on forgiveness in a previous blog).

Women like this often grow up afraid of sex rather than able to enjoy it. Now, they wonder how to bridge the gap between themselves and their husband. Could this have been avoided if mothers had checked in many years ago and helped a daughter process and heal long before marriage?

Sex is important to men—and to many women as well. We may laugh about it, joke about it, make fun of it, or heaven forbid, resent it. But it’s importance is true, and God wants us to embrace it gladly and make it a vital part of marriage.

Habitually depriving your husband of something his body needs can be debilitating to a man. Especially because a good man will know that his wife is the only one who can satisfy his (God created) sexual needs. He may be tempted to cheat—but God forbid he does, even after years of deprivation.

If he did cheat, you better believe all the ladies would rally around his wife and comfort her. I would, and so would you. Rightly so.

But here’s the punch line.

Not giving your husband sex when you’re the only one who can righteously do so, yet expecting him not to get it anywhere else, is a bit like your husband not giving you food, were it strictly in his power to bring it to you.

If you were hungry every day, yet your husband didn’t feel like bringing you food, I think you’d run to the nearest grocery store even if (hypothetically speaking), It was forbidden. You’d make sure you weren’t half-hungry all the time.

What if he only fed you once a day, just enough to function and get by, yet ignored your repeated requests for more needed energy and food?

Is that just a little like a wife refusing to engage in sex when it is strictly in her power to give it to him?

Some of you may be a little upset with me by this analogy. That’s okay—but I want us to seriously stop and consider what would happen if our men deliberately deprived us of a major need, then expected us to feel loved as we lived in deprivation.

Feminism has taken over and given women a brash attitude about a man’s sexual needs. Or, it has taken over and given women entitled attitudes about “not giving him sex if he doesn’t take me on dates every week”, or “doesn’t help enough around the house” or “doesn’t know how to meet my emotional needs”.

The aftermath of selfish women is devastating. A man literally has to know it all, do it all perfectly, and be it all before his woman is available sexually.

Ladies, may I ask you, do you want your man to withhold his love from you when you also have gaping flaws, needs, and things you don’t change even when he’d love you to change?

Who gets to deprive the other first?

Men are suffering because women nonchalantly dismiss one of their greatest needs.

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5, ESV)

There can be times for abstinence, but Paul makes it clear that it should be for good reason, with good communication, to give ourselves to prayer before coming together again. This indicates a purposeful abstinence that needs to end at some point. Time for healing from abuse, time for prayer, time for anything good that you can talk about and express clearly to your husband. Coming together again helps avoid temptation both of you would fall into were you to remain abstinent.

If you choose a season of abstinence, your husband needs to know that your heart is to find answers so you can be there for him sexually.

You may say, “I don’t need sex and wouldn’t be tempted without it.” But in marriage, we are called to give 100% for the good of the other. This means we are no longer only interested in our own needs, but just as concerned for the needs of the other. And if you don’t “need” sex, you most likely need connection and will be tempted by another man if you are not actively building connection in your marriage.

Sex needs to be viewed by women as a powerful connecting tool in their marriage rather than a selfish want a man may have that he can live without. The latter is a lie straight from the pit of hell.

If sex was merely a physical “want”, purity would no longer matter. Sex could happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone—just as we eat food or drink water, or sleep when we’re tired.

Sex is so much more. This is why God places boundaries on it, elevates it, and asks us to honor it as a vital part of marriage.

God’s ways are perfect, and as you give yourself to this, you will notice a place in your soul that is healed simply by the act of sex with the man you wed. God knows what he’s doing when he creates a man to need it, often. Sex is good, holy, fun, and can bring a couple closer together than ever before—even when there are areas of need in your marriage that you have yet to find answers for.

What if you embrace the goodness of sex and allow that to help dissipate trouble in your marriage rather than add to it?

What if you transfer this attitude to your daughters, and allow yourself to be a small part of bringing sexual wholeness back into our society?

Why Masculinity Needs to be Celebrated

Recently, I got a text from Verizon telling me that I qualified for $800 off an i-phone 13. Usually, I rush about my days in true Sara fashion and ignore things like this, but this time I decided to drop by Verizon on my way home from work to see what was up.

Sure enough, I qualified for an i-phone 13 and before long, I was choosing between the few colors they had on hand—black or red.

I groaned inwardly because what girl wants a black or red i-phone? (Ironically, my daughter does choose black over pink!)

“Wait a minute,” he said. “There might be a pink one in the back.” And he returns with the most lovely pink which I accepted immediately.

A few minutes later the young man started talking life, his wife, and their baby on the way. Making a comment on something men are good at, had him stalling and apologizing in an effort to assure me he’s not sexist or anything.

I smiled and told him I’m quite okay with gender differences and I think they’re important. Which brings me to the topic often pressing on my heart.

I’ve been reading Genesis and blown away with the account of creation, how God made man in His own image, how man was to care for the garden, and then, how man was alone and God knew that he needed a helper suitable for him.

God created man from the dust of the earth, but He created woman from man’s rib, a place close to his heart. Literally, woman was created by God from there, when she could have been created from dust.

Let that sink in just a little. Man was formed from the dust of the ground, while woman was created from a rib close to man’s heart, designed specifically to complete that which was lacking in man.

Man and woman were different from the start. Eve’s body was designed to grow children inside her womb. How amazing is that? Yet, she needed Adam to place his seed inside her because she didn’t have what it took to create a child on her own.

Adam gives his seed, Eve gives her womb, and a human life is born into this world.

Man cannot grow a babe in his body, yet a woman cannot even begin to grow one without part of a man.

Every part of man was created to come together with every part of woman, and vise versa. We are different, with different roles, yet equally important.

But our bodies aren’t the only things we differ in. Why did the Verizon tech instinctively know I might love a pink phone?

And why, when war breaks out, do women instinctively look to men for protection?

Who rushes to front lines first?

But who tends to wounded soldiers when they return?

I’m watching society shift from celebrating and honoring gender differences, to wanting “all humans equal” (as if we’re not already equal in value).

I’m watching women lose femininity and frankly, I think this adds to the problem of gay or lesbian couples. Why would men be attracted to masculine or abrasive women, and what in an effeminate man draws a healthy woman?

I’m watching women lose respect for men and think it a prideful thing that men would crave respect. And I’m watching men wilt under a constant scrutiny of quick judgment for anything that could be labeled as “too much masculinity”.

I’m watching women lose their beauty, their life, their nature in an effort to be “as good at everything a man is”.

But truth be told, sister, there will always be more men driving dirty pickup trucks and picking up guns during hunting season. If you let them be good at their thing while you cultivate your own thing, the world will have what it needs. Of course some girls hunt as well, but we’re making a different point here.

Twenty first century women are killing what they crave. The more our society removes honor from men, the less real men we will have.

Scoff at men long enough and you’ll end up with a society void of manliness. You want milk toast men who won’t offer to change your tire or lift that heavy sack of dog food into your car? Scoff at men, dismiss the unique qualities a man has, turn down his efforts to help and protect—and you may be looking around wondering where real men are the next time you need one.

Yes, you’ve been hurt.

Yes, some men are real, live jerks.

Yes, some men are merely boys in adult bodies.

But there are also many, many real men who deserve a place in society where their leadership is applauded rather than dismissed.

Never allow the abuse of one man to make you dismiss the goodness of many men.

Tell your world we need no gender differences, but I will tell that same world that if we remove a woman’s femininity or a man’s masculinity, we remove from the world exactly what it needs to thrive.

A lesbian couple will NEVER make a balanced, complete parent team.

The more masculine one will never be a man, neither will she fill the role of a man well. She will always be a woman even when she despises it, and she will never be a good replacement “dad” for a child who needs a healthy father figure in his or her life.

Homes need one man and one woman.

Children need one mother and one father.

Churches need couples.

The world needs families.

Ladies, you can emasculate a man merely by dismissing the very qualities that make him a man. If enough of you are out to prove you don’t need men, society will suffer from lack of men willing to stand up, step up, speak up. Men are becoming timid, afraid of insulting women by offering help.

I’m grateful that I still know real men who don’t hesitate to step up for me. I’m grateful my daughters see that. I’m grateful that some men won’t allow themselves to be pushed into something they were never meant to be.

A real man will never trade his masculinity for a watered down, twenty first century, feminist view of his gender. He will be kind, humble, honoring—-but he will be a real man.

It’s time to wake up and bring back into our culture a genuine appreciation for masculinity, for their natural ability to protect, provide, lead, and love. It’s time to celebrate manhood.

Our daughters are looking for real men, and discouraged at the effeminate boys they see all around them. When a man opens a door for you, look at him with a genuine smile and thank him sincerely. The same instinct that makes him want to open your door is the same instinct that also makes him want to protect you in crisis.

Will you scoff at his manhood in one moment, yet ask for it in a moment of need? A man cannot shut down and rise up as you want him to. A man needs to be able to be a man, 24/7. If you let yourself receive it, you will learn to love being a woman.

And if you’re married, don’t be shy about expressing honor, just as you don’t want him to be shy about showing love.

The twenty first century needs real men and real ladies more ever. Girls should still look like girls, and boys should still learn the guy stuff. Balance to our world will only come when we align ourselves to creation the way God made it to be.

Check out my cousin’s coffee art on Instagram @kahawaart.

Take general human kindness one step further and look into how men are created, how women are created, why that is, and what each gender needs most. Let children grow up to see men and women cultivating themselves rather than trying to condition themselves to be like the other gender.

Let them see whole, healthy families, and they might see school shootings less.

Because sometimes, living out God’s design does more for change in a society than trying to remove guns. Men were born to hunt, and they need guns. That’s a whole other topic, but I’m just saying.

And lest any feminist thinks I’m categorizing women and putting them into a box, come on by sometime and I’ll show you how fun it is to shoot an AR-15, free-fall from a plane two miles in the air, or run a chain saw.

A healthy world starts with healthy men and women who can raise children in God ordained families. No one will ever improve God’s design.

For now, let’s sit with that.