Women and Betrayal – Women of Purpose

Death and Divorce; the Grief of Both

“I feel like my grief isn’t validated,” a girl once told me.

I listened carefully because she was an excellent person who had been through divorce and was dating a widower who grieved publicly and still posted photos on social media of his late wife whom he loved and missed greatly.

A few weeks later, on a call with a dear woman who had suffered through a heavily abusive marriage for many years, I heard it again. “I’m afraid of the judgments of others if I leave. I’m starting to sort through things and the thought of losing everything is so difficult. I have years in this house.”

I’ve been an ear on the phone for those grieving both death and divorce many, many times while personally facing the sudden loss of my brother as well as the extended, brutal loss of my husband, home, community of friends, and the majestic nature I surrounded myself with on the west coast.

I lost it all.

So, it doesn’t take much for my eyes to well in tears over someone else’s story. The man who lost his wife to sudden cancer, the girl who lost her mother far too young. But also, the man who lost his wife because she left when he was trying hard. I do not look at the widower with more admiration than I look at the man who was married to a selfish woman with a modern, dismissive view of commitment.

Both men hurt. Both men deserve empathy without judgment.

I’m here to bring understanding to the world of grief on both ends. Because my story was so obviously abusive and messed up, I got a ton of support and love during the worst season of my life. The unthinkable D word hit my life as others rallied around me.

Those losing a spouse to death often get support while those losing a spouse to divorce often receive judgment. It shouldn’t be this way. The man who was married for many years gets a memorial service when he loses his wife, caring support for years, and admiration for being married that long.

The man who was victim of an unwanted (and unwarranted) divorce gets half his income taken and ends up in a small rental by himself. People say, “What did he do wrong that she left?” as if anything he could have done better is suddenly held against him until he has no room to breathe, while the man who lost his wife to death also had faults but was married to a good and committed woman who knew how to work hard for growth rather than discard a human being like refuse to the dump.

I know what it’s like to be left. I know what it’s like to spend years in an abusive marriage that ends with affairs and near prison for my husband. Still, I was the one who was left.

Someone said recently, “Divorce is easier to overcome than death.” I’m sure some cases are easier; others are definitely not.

I can say beyond doubt that I would choose to be the widow of a man who loved me and was faithful to me rather than be discarded by an unfaithful man and start life over, across the country with four children. We don’t have to question which is easier; all we have to know is that love and loss is far better than loss without love.

Better doesn’t necessarily equal easier. It just means better.

People think of me as the exception to the divorce rule and I appreciate the abundance of support I receive. BUT, I am not the exception. Unfortunately, there are now many, many people being discarded who do not deserve divorce.

Our post modern culture has left commitment, work ethic, unselfishness, and gender distinction in shambles. (I’m telling you, there’s a reason I love chatting with a grey head. ) You see many problems in today’s world—lack of commitment is only one of them but it implies that many are being left who do not deserve it, any more than the one who lost a spouse to sickness and death.

We can see two equally good people, yet with drastically different stories as to why they’re alone.

Comments about a grieving divorced person like, “I wonder what he/she failed in,” are often immediate judgements against a pain stricken person whose world has just fallen apart. And, hear this carefully—many of these people have put in as much effort as the one who is applauded for having a long lasting marriage.

The man whose wife left has a crushed grief on his face, that kind of grief where even noise becomes silent. He deserves support just like the man whose wife passed away.

I experienced harsh judgment once, from a couple in a church I visited on a particularly hard day. “What did YOU DO?” I’ll never forget how that cut, how I stared at their faces knowing they had no idea about the truth of it, how long and silent years had passed while my husband would not resolve the other woman issue. Others posed polite but kind questions, but I heard and felt them. Why would he leave her? Didn’t she give him sex?

I wasn’t about to go tell the world that I had spent 15 years of frequent, regular sex without love. I was not a frigid wife, but I still wasn’t enough. No woman will be enough for a man craving and justifying multiple women.

People scratched their heads to understand why I’d be left. How could I or how would I tell people who didn’t deserve to know the truth of my silent agony, married to a man who didn’t want to promise me never to sleep with my best friend. The after-math of years of that was enough to work through without facing thoughtless remarks or questions.

Let people wonder about my story, but I will ask the tongues of judgment toward others I love, to be as kind as they would be in the face of death.

If you wouldn’t ask a person who just lost a spouse to cancer, “I wonder what they did wrong with his health?” please don’t ask about a good and kind person who has just lost a spouse to divorce, “I wonder what he did wrong in his marriage?”

Every sickness and death is the result of something gone wrong in the body. Some people die even though they eat better than most others. The same is true of divorce. Every divorce is the result of something gone wrong in the marriage; some marriages die even if one spouse is kinder and more giving than most others in this world.

For some reason I can’t describe or put my finger on, I’ve seen the most giving people often married to more selfish people who walk away or cheat. I watch them grapple with being alone, I watch them puzzle why others stay married who are far less kind. The answer is clear; they are married to someone who won’t give up and walk away.

One person cannot keep a marriage to an adulterous and abusive person alive. One person cannot even stop a selfish person from leaving. The only thing one can do is strive to love well, and that comes with reward even if someone else doesn’t receive it.

We can affect the world around us with love but we cannot guarantee a certain outcome with love. Another person has to receive it and also walk in love rather than walk away. The only reward we are guaranteed in this life is union with the God of love when we choose to walk in His love.

We miss this point often. We judge others and speak as if someone who does what is right will automatically receive what is right from their spouse. This is often not true. Am I still glad I tried to love well, kept our marriage bed alive, and didn’t walk away until he did? The answer is yes. God was my reward with His presence sustaining me, because I was in a habitual habit of saying yes to Him and crying out to Him.

When we see that our yes to God sometimes collides with a spouse’s no to God, we are much less quick to judge as soon as we hear someone else’s painful story. What if they’ve been saying yes to God as much or more than the friend who stayed married?

Trust me, there is not always a valid reason for someone to be left and replaced. Every human being could always do better and every human being has faults. But that doesn’t equal a valid divorce.

I am weary of equally giving or even less giving people being applauded simply because they stayed married while an even more giving person is forced to walk around life with a large “D” on their sleeve while people whisper behind his back.

I’m speaking up for well meaning people who would give their last slice of bread to save their marriage, and who’ve spent their lives trying to make it work with an impossible person. My story was obvious; many of my friends deserve the same support but are not receiving it because their story is not as obvious.

To those who are married to a good, faithful person with human faults and needs, continue giving 200 percent to the cause of love. Forgive, love extravagantly, and never walk away. Trust God by saying yes to His heart for life long commitment. And receive from God what lacks in your imperfect spouse while you keep working on your marriage.

Heaven knows many of us with the big “D” would have moved heaven and earth to be able to do the same.

Thank you all for loving me so well while I threw my ring into the field, cried my heart out, burnt my lingerie, and moved across the country with four children. All because I was forced to, not because I chose to. I’m asking for that kind of support to be given those I love even when you can’t see the full story.

For Love and Healing,

Sara D.

Why I Still Believe in Submission (and when it’s time to say ‘no’)

Instinctively, many women want to please and by nature, we invite rather than push away.

I still believe in submission, though the word is frowned on in this post modern society. A woman still wanting a leader in the home becomes a supposed icon of weakness rather than a dignified woman still respecting her husband.

Many claim men and women have equal positions of leadership in the home. Equal importance and value, yes. Equal leadership, absolutely not.

1 Peter 3: 7 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man.”

Titus 2: 3-5 “Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or given to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be…….submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Here’s an undeniable call to “teach what is good”. And what are they to teach? They are to teach young wives to allow leadership in their homes.

Our culture calls for leadership in every area of life, and feminists are some of the first to demand positions of leadership. So the questions becomes, “How is it not even more important to have leaders in the home?”

If the church, sports, businesses and corporations, government, and even charity organizations all need a leader, why the bristling effect on a home needing one?

A reaction to a problem doesn’t bring a good solution to a problem. The fact that some men aren’t good and selfless leaders in the home, doesn’t nullify the need for good leaders in homes. But this brings me to the heart of this blog.

There are times when wives need to say no. I remember the days when my then-husband wanted to study a book together promoting open marriage and talked about potentially having other partners in our bed. Doubtless, I had to say no.

I was told to be open to study, that God would show me if it wasn’t right. Thing is, it takes very little to show me that’s not right. The night we went out to Valentine’s dinner and I was pointed to a table of one man surrounded by three gorgeous women, then asked, “See, don’t you think that’s exemplary; he attracted all those women!”

I tried not to gag on my food and replied, “No, he probably has some major issues, needing that.”

My husband was no longer leading his home in righteousness and love. Like a sickness permeating every area of life, the illness I knew was there for many years festered until I could no longer deny it. We were going to break.

And because I said “No” to my husband, he was gone—into the arms of other women.

There are doubtless limitations on allowing a man to lead you. I am endlessly grateful that the divorce I tried so hard to avoid ended up being my rescue and the tears I cried ended up being my release.

And I realized, after his most obvious affair with our daughter’s friend, that something was broken beyond repair even though God led me through a process of forgiveness.

I’d seen him flirt with the child, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t want to admit he would ever do it. And when it became obvious, I knew I was to forgive him, yet remove him permanently from my life. That even if he repented someday, he could never again be my husband or lead our home. My job was to create emotional safety so my children could heal and others could feel safe in my home.

I write this for the church, for other women in similar shoes, for a call to leaders in the church to rise up, man to man, for the protection of women and children. Women in abusive marriages are often brainwashed as I was, and need strong men to stand alongside her to help her take a stand.

I needed two couples, one on either side, to help me. I needed a strong attorney. I needed a whole community of support, and it was graciously given.

But sometimes, the church is so focused on forgiveness and restoration of a broken covenant, that sexual perversion is “forgiven” and the marriage “restored”. I’m here to call into attention that the consequence of some sins makes “restoration” a ruin for the heart and soul of women and children.

My daughter begged me to never take her father back, even if he was repentant someday. I agreed with her. I didn’t think only of forgiveness; I thought of protection and the emotional well-being of myself, my daughters, their friends, and other women I was called to serve.

In that moment I knew they would never feel safe if he was there, and that I could forgive while entirely obliterating him from my life and home, forever. That if he tried to came back someday even as a repentant man, healing would stall and perhaps never happen. That women would feel unsafe in a home I was called to keep safe.

I’m here to ask the church to protect the heart and soul of women more than they promote a perverted man to find restoration in the home he destroyed. Because incest, rape, or child attraction is different than an affair—I do believe some affairs can be healed and a marriage better than before. But on this level, damage is ongoing for years and impossible to heal from if the offender sits at the table and lives in the house.

Our job is to help women find the strength to speak up and realize there is life after divorce, that no woman is unconditionally tied to a man, that no man was ever meant to take the place of God, that her position has now become the protection of her children and others rather than the welcoming back of a man who will unearth, daily, sexual trauma by his very presence. And I add here—even if he’s repentant.

Marriage is sacred; sex is holy. Sexual sin can be forgiven, always. But marriage can be restored, only sometimes. And if men in the church don’t know the difference, they are not doing the job of spiritual leader, protector, and provider for those who were once voiceless.

They are, instead, agreeing with the Pharisees in Mark chapter two where Jesus was accused of allowing his disciples to harvest and eat grain on the sabbath. In opposition to Jewish law, Jesus reminded them that “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27&28, ESV)

Even before his death, where grace would replace law, Jesus wanted a proper and merciful application of law.

He reminds the Pharisees also, “Have you never read what David did, when he was in need and was hungry, he and those who were with him. How he entered the house of God in the time of Abiathar the High priest, and ate the bread of the presence, which is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and also gave it to those who were with him?” (Mark 25&26, ESV)

And again in Matthew 19:9, Jesus allows for a merciful deliverance from a perverted man by stating that divorce is permissible for sexual sin. He does not want His daughters stuck in a threesome marriage (or worse), and He takes care to address it clearly.

Again, the church needs to carefully assess whether they are protecting the idea of marriage long after it’s broken, or whether they are protecting women and children after an utterly broken marriage. Are we idolizing marriage or are we protecting victims of sexual crime by bringing them to healing places where the mind can be renewed and the body restored?

Are we idolizing marriage or are we worshiping God?

Are we in love with marriage or are we loving the helpless and hurting?

And in rape cases, are we more concerned with a man losing his home and family than we are with a child losing her virginity by the man who was called to father her?

If so, we do not understand the damage of sexual trauma nor the need for years to heal in a safe place where reminders are gone.

Satan loves to twist the submission thing and make it harmful rather than beautiful. And, if I may speak boldly, some men love to protect other men from certain ruin and loss even when the man himself ruined and lost his home.

Jesus has always called us to be a voice for the voiceless. And sometimes, that means the church helping wives do the hard thing of saying no because they are not yet able to, on their own.

I am eternally grateful for the men who helped me, for the way my mind cleared when I was out from under psychological manipulation that almost destroyed me. For them to assure me that I needed rescue more than my marriage needed rescue.

I needed Godly men, and they came.

I’m asking them to come for other women’s aid, too.

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8, ESV)

For hope and healing,

Sara D.

How “Submission” Can Turn to Suffocation

I paused before I spoke, carefully weighing each word—and more importantly, each tone of each word.

I had waited for two months to talk with my ex-husband about something that needed to be talked about as soon as it happened (painful things with other women). But, I was terrified to talk even though what had happened was wrong.

That doesn’t sound healthy, you say—and you’re right.

My suffocating experience in marriage led me to research healthy womanhood with a passion. There had to be more to relationship in marriage than what I experienced. Surely this was not what Jesus talked about in 1 Peter 3.

Surely if a wife who loved and served her husband discovered something wrong in her husband’s life, she should be heard?

I knew the answer was yes even though I didn’t experience it. I weighed my words carefully and spent years in confusion and emotional distress because I tried so hard to avoid the hurtful conversations I knew would happen if I tried to communicate.

Thank heaven this is not what a wife is meant to have in marriage.

Let’s take a look at some powerful women in the Bible. Deborah was a prophetess, a wife, during one of the most troubled times of Israel. She’d sit under a palm tree dedicated to her, called “The Palm of Deborah” while the people of Israel came to her for judgment.

When they were oppressed under Jabin, king of Canaan, Deborah called Barak and told him the Lord asked him to go out to war against the king’s army. In verse eight Barak says to her, “If you will go with me, I will go; but if not, I will not go.”

Deborah goes with him but lets him know that the glory won’t go to him because the Lord will deliver Sisera into the hand of a woman. (Judges 14)

The battle rages hot but as is always the case when God is on our side, Barak’s army won until each man fell. Every man but one, that is.

When 900 chariots of iron weren’t getting him anywhere, Sisera fled on foot to Jael’s tent. Why this tent? Because there was peace between her husband and the king.

Jael kindly invited Sisera into her tent, comforted him with words of peace, fed him hot milk, and covered him up warmly. He fell asleep and she took a tent spike into her hand, a hammer in the other, and pounded away, into his brain until he was dead.

Then, she reported it to Barak.

Israel’s victory began with two women, one of which obviously went against her husband’s wishes when she chose to fight on the Lord’s side. Get this—she killed a man who was at peace with her husband. The only vibe we get from scripture concerning this act was one of approval, God fighting with her, with them.

She aligned herself well. Remember this, sisters—when your husband opposes God’s kingdom it is of utmost importance that you choose the right side.

Now, lets hop on ahead to 1 Peter 3 where God talks about one of His exemplary women, Sarah.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conversation of their wives………as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. And you are her children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” (1 Peter 3: 1 & 6, ESV)

How do we make sense of this seeming contradiction? By taking the entirety of the Word of God rather than zoning in on one verse. God has a perfect plan for His women and it shines through all of scripture.

Jael quietly did what she needed to do. We don’t read of her becoming feministic, abrasive, or brash. We simply see a woman of great strength with an ability to rise to a God-given occasion to fight for His people.

In that moment, her husband was second to God, not competing with God. This is what we need to remember: our husbands do not compete with God for equal place in our lives. God is number one, always.

I believe God was number one in Sarah’s life and that was the only reason she was able to honor her husband. God was proud of her and used her as an example.

There’s an entire culture of honor we ladies need to live in, walk in, and speak in. We can do this even when we need to say no to our husbands.

My situation forced me to not only say no, but to testify in court against his actions. From closing my mouth in order to keep peace, to opening my mouth and refusing to make peace, this was one bear of a journey.

The Lord let me know one day as I was walking that my husband would leave, and that I would be the one to speak up against his actions. I still didn’t know the extent of gross sin I’d be dealing with, but my heart cried out, “Please Lord, please no. Please not me.”

I wanted so very much to please him instead, but it had become impossible.

When rubber hit the road things not only got worse, but sickeningly disturbing until the entire town was in an uproar. I had to speak with detectives and law, court, and fight for my children until my knees shook.

I could no longer obey, “submit” or pretend to be okay.

And bit by bit, I learned that it was okay for him to be unhappy with me. I’d take my emotions by the shoulders, give them a good shaking and tell myself, “Sara, if he was happy with you, you’d be in the wrong. It’s a good thing, a very good thing, that he’s unhappy with you.”

Sisters, please hear me on this. You are not responsible to make your husband happy, or to keep peace. BUT, if you walk in love and honor, you will make a good man very happy.

If you’re walking in love and with Jesus by your side, you’ll treat him with honor. You won’t yell and be obnoxious. You won’t nag.

You’ll be feminine, gracious, and eager to bless him.

But hear me on this—you will also communicate honestly as you honor him.

You’ll be able to say the hard things.

You’ll be able to say no if he wants to veer right off track into obvious sin.

If he’s pulling toward another woman you’ll be strong enough to stand up to both of them with a better option—that of saving your life-long covenant with your husband.

If the need rises, you’ll be Jael in Sarah’s world.

Sisters, there is no other way.

Abigail brought food to David and God took care of her belligerent husband who became so angry with what she did, that he died. God blessed Abigail for feeding his servant when her husband was selfish enough to cause a war. (1 Samuel 25)

But take note on the extreme cases these examples are. Jael won a war and Abigail stopped a war. Many women today create wars instead because they are too selfish to think past their own skin.

Femininity or feminism?

Feminism tries to prove to men that we can do what they can do. It is obnoxious and nothing short of abusing the word, “woman”.

Feminity thrives in a culture of honor. We honor ourselves when we honor those around us. We are ‘yes’ women with the ability to say no when the need arises. We are graciously strong and refuse to buckle under sin and abuse.

We can stop wars and win wars, but never create wars unless standing for truth creates one of necessity. We are, as Jesus asks us to be, “wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16, ESV)

A culture of honor can be nothing else.