Femininity – Women of Purpose

Soft and Strong in Proverbs 31

I grew up as an Amish girl, with my own certain idea of what Proverbs 31 was all about.

I loved staying home with my children, and frankly, I loved pleasing my husband. It wasn’t hard for me to throw my entire self into homemaking and homeschooling. I have no regrets doing so, even though life changed and put me in an entirely opposite position.

I read Proverbs 31 carefully, as I read all of scripture. Somewhere along the way I discovered that man-worship hovers with oppression, and that only God deserved the radical attention of every human heart in every situation. I read the Bible as if my life depended on it, because it did.

When it’s hard to breathe, the breath of heaven becomes the air that keeps you alive.

I was suddenly alone in the world with four children to raise and a big world to face. But I enter Monday traffic with peace now, and have that deep knowing in my soul that nothing changes my womanhood unless I allow it.

It’s that odd feeling of knowing I can be out in the business world with the same attitude that kept me home making a big pot of oatmeal and nutritious green smoothies for my four children.

The same realization that I can be a single woman working hard to make it in a big world, with the same attitude that once, back in a far off day, had me homemaking and doing all the things I thought it would take to be a good wife. That I can stop at Chick fa le for my son’s dinner when I used to be home cooking delicious meals every single day.

My world is different now, but the goal is the same, and I’d like to call us back to softness. Not a weak kind, where the brain hides behind cleaning and opinions are shared in question form rather than God given insight spoken with confidence and a quiet knowing that the Holy Spirit is forming words internally so they can be shared externally.

The idea that a woman is a woman, and bears the image of God in a different way than a man does. That she is a nurturer and a life giver, a bearer of beauty, that somehow her softness in a world that could make her hard has more power than she knows—and it’s worth keeping.

I work daily to help my children see that a harsh world still leaves them with the option to be victors when they could be victims. And I’d love to remind us ladies of the same; that in a world of gender confusion and brittle women, there’s still an undeniable call of heaven to bear the image of God in the way we do it best.

The Proverbs 31 woman worked hard, with strength. “She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.” (verse 17)

Ladies, this is our call to health. We work hard, yes, but stewarding our bodies also means staying healthy to the best of our ability. Do you love the gym? Go work it out and stay in shape!

Do you hate the gym? Buy a simple app on your phone, head upstairs, and do calisthenics by your bedroom wall.

The call to keeping ourselves healthy is clear, and the rewards are great. Loving our bodies means we care for them, whatever that looks like.

“She looks well to the ways of her household, and does not eat the bread of idleness.” (verse 27)

Ladies, this is our call to keep a tidy home. Let the kids make a happy mess, but clean up and tidy up at the end of the day. I believe scrubbing a toilet is a form of worship, and lighting a candle brings cheer. A well kept home is a woman’s domain, and we don’t need wealth to accomplish this. Scrub an old wall and place some wildflowers in a vase you thrifted—whatever it looks like, consider your home part of yourself and what you keep tidy.

The anointing you need to hold a microphone begins when holding a toilet brush brings meaning because of what you’re creating when you do it.

Worship is not a public act; it is a way of life, a way of being with God, a way of finding meaning in all places at all times.

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” (Verse 26)

Ladies, this is our call to be wise. Do we truly hear that? We are more than silly, emotional, complicated beings. Where is wisdom when emotions want to take over?

Growing up as an Amish girl with a fearful mind has given me an insatiable desire for wisdom when I feel afraid (which is often). As I navigate female emotions I am constantly pulled into the question, “Are my feelings about this wise?”

Our emotions are tools, but they are not guide posts.

Our emotions can lie, depriving us of all things good.

When my emotions take over, I pause and question myself. What is true and what is not true about this situation? What is of God and what is my own mind creating an unnecessary mess?

When I navigate life with this in mind, I give God the opportunity to turn a difficult situation into some kind of high praise outcome where only He gets glory because only His wisdom made a way for it to happen.

My daughters and I laugh often about hormonal challenges and we all give each other grace to be a little more edgy or weepy certain times of the month. We don’t laugh away hormonal difficulties in a spiritual pretense they don’t exist—but I teach them that not even hormones are a cause to treat another person ill.

Have a bath at mid-day before you yell at your family even once in a day.

“She considers a field and buys it.” (verse 16)

“She makes linen garments and sells them.” (verse 24)

I didn’t know I had a hidden entrepreneur inside me before life forced me to discover it. And as I lived year after year, I noticed that Proverbs 31 praised this kind of woman. In fact, her husband praised her because even he gained by her insight.

Titus 2:5 says that older women are to “train young women to love their husbands and children, to be self controlled, pure, working at home……”

Scripture calls women to put husbands and children first. When children are young, they need their mother. But scripture invites the same woman whose children no longer need her (or a single mom in an impossible situation) to be business savvy—that this kind of woman is a crown to her husband.

The Proverbs 31 woman had maids do some of her menial tasks so she could pursue lucrative goals. Whatever your situation is, don’t let your mind and body lay idle. Cultivate yourself, grow yourself, and bless your family first at home and, if life calls for it, also in business or ministry outside your own walls.

“Her clothing is fine linen and purple.” (Verse 22)

Charlotte has a large European community. I can often spot the ladies in a crowd because they take care of themselves. Slouchy or ugly clothing doesn’t work for these women, and they take care of their hair and skin even when they don’t wear jewelry. Different than a large part of American women who are either grossly immodest or simply don’t care at all, European women are a lovely reminder to keep myself feminine.

Ladies, we don’t need the latest fad or lots of money to be presentable and pleasant. Sweat pants and boxy t-shirts are not inspiring—wear a shirt with a feminine cut to it, and modest but cute skirt or pants. Shoes do wonders to an outfit and I sometimes pick up a pair at thrift stores. Even on cleaning days, I can take care to wear feminine or cute casual clothes, pin my hair up and take note of what looks pleasant.

Today I’m wearing light blue because it makes me feel happy and bright. You might not like blue, but take note of what creates a feminine and lovely feeling for your body and personality.

What we wear and how we cultivate our appearance has a direct bearing on how we feel.

“The heart of her husband trusts in her.” (Verse 11)

What about us can a husband trust? Is he exhausted just navigating our emotions or does he find peace in our presence? A husband should be able to let his guard down when he comes home because the over-all gift of a wise woman implies she has internal confidence and a sense of autonomous well-being that has something to add to the relationship rather than deplete it. Of course there are days we need his strong and safe presence to handle an internal storm—but I’m advocating for an over-all sense we can give a man that he’s coming home to something good and beautiful.

Do we wallow or do we worship? “A woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” (Verse 30)

God calls this kind of woman (I believe single ladies, also) “far more precious than jewels”. (Verse 10)

Let’s stay soft in a world that could make us hard.

Cheers,

Sara D.

Why I Still Believe in Submission (and when it’s time to say ‘no’)

Instinctively, many women want to please and by nature, we invite rather than push away.

I still believe in submission, though the word is frowned on in this post modern society. A woman still wanting a leader in the home becomes a supposed icon of weakness rather than a dignified woman still respecting her husband.

Many claim men and women have equal positions of leadership in the home. Equal importance and value, yes. Equal leadership, absolutely not.

1 Peter 3: 7 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man.”

Titus 2: 3-5 “Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or given to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be…….submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Here’s an undeniable call to “teach what is good”. And what are they to teach? They are to teach young wives to allow leadership in their homes.

Our culture calls for leadership in every area of life, and feminists are some of the first to demand positions of leadership. So the questions becomes, “How is it not even more important to have leaders in the home?”

If the church, sports, businesses and corporations, government, and even charity organizations all need a leader, why the bristling effect on a home needing one?

A reaction to a problem doesn’t bring a good solution to a problem. The fact that some men aren’t good and selfless leaders in the home, doesn’t nullify the need for good leaders in homes. But this brings me to the heart of this blog.

There are times when wives need to say no. I remember the days when my then-husband wanted to study a book together promoting open marriage and talked about potentially having other partners in our bed. Doubtless, I had to say no.

I was told to be open to study, that God would show me if it wasn’t right. Thing is, it takes very little to show me that’s not right. The night we went out to Valentine’s dinner and I was pointed to a table of one man surrounded by three gorgeous women, then asked, “See, don’t you think that’s exemplary; he attracted all those women!”

I tried not to gag on my food and replied, “No, he probably has some major issues, needing that.”

My husband was no longer leading his home in righteousness and love. Like a sickness permeating every area of life, the illness I knew was there for many years festered until I could no longer deny it. We were going to break.

And because I said “No” to my husband, he was gone—into the arms of other women.

There are doubtless limitations on allowing a man to lead you. I am endlessly grateful that the divorce I tried so hard to avoid ended up being my rescue and the tears I cried ended up being my release.

And I realized, after his most obvious affair with our daughter’s friend, that something was broken beyond repair even though God led me through a process of forgiveness.

I’d seen him flirt with the child, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t want to admit he would ever do it. And when it became obvious, I knew I was to forgive him, yet remove him permanently from my life. That even if he repented someday, he could never again be my husband or lead our home. My job was to create emotional safety so my children could heal and others could feel safe in my home.

I write this for the church, for other women in similar shoes, for a call to leaders in the church to rise up, man to man, for the protection of women and children. Women in abusive marriages are often brainwashed as I was, and need strong men to stand alongside her to help her take a stand.

I needed two couples, one on either side, to help me. I needed a strong attorney. I needed a whole community of support, and it was graciously given.

But sometimes, the church is so focused on forgiveness and restoration of a broken covenant, that sexual perversion is “forgiven” and the marriage “restored”. I’m here to call into attention that the consequence of some sins makes “restoration” a ruin for the heart and soul of women and children.

My daughter begged me to never take her father back, even if he was repentant someday. I agreed with her. I didn’t think only of forgiveness; I thought of protection and the emotional well-being of myself, my daughters, their friends, and other women I was called to serve.

In that moment I knew they would never feel safe if he was there, and that I could forgive while entirely obliterating him from my life and home, forever. That if he tried to came back someday even as a repentant man, healing would stall and perhaps never happen. That women would feel unsafe in a home I was called to keep safe.

I’m here to ask the church to protect the heart and soul of women more than they promote a perverted man to find restoration in the home he destroyed. Because incest, rape, or child attraction is different than an affair—I do believe some affairs can be healed and a marriage better than before. But on this level, damage is ongoing for years and impossible to heal from if the offender sits at the table and lives in the house.

Our job is to help women find the strength to speak up and realize there is life after divorce, that no woman is unconditionally tied to a man, that no man was ever meant to take the place of God, that her position has now become the protection of her children and others rather than the welcoming back of a man who will unearth, daily, sexual trauma by his very presence. And I add here—even if he’s repentant.

Marriage is sacred; sex is holy. Sexual sin can be forgiven, always. But marriage can be restored, only sometimes. And if men in the church don’t know the difference, they are not doing the job of spiritual leader, protector, and provider for those who were once voiceless.

They are, instead, agreeing with the Pharisees in Mark chapter two where Jesus was accused of allowing his disciples to harvest and eat grain on the sabbath. In opposition to Jewish law, Jesus reminded them that “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27&28, ESV)

Even before his death, where grace would replace law, Jesus wanted a proper and merciful application of law.

He reminds the Pharisees also, “Have you never read what David did, when he was in need and was hungry, he and those who were with him. How he entered the house of God in the time of Abiathar the High priest, and ate the bread of the presence, which is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and also gave it to those who were with him?” (Mark 25&26, ESV)

And again in Matthew 19:9, Jesus allows for a merciful deliverance from a perverted man by stating that divorce is permissible for sexual sin. He does not want His daughters stuck in a threesome marriage (or worse), and He takes care to address it clearly.

Again, the church needs to carefully assess whether they are protecting the idea of marriage long after it’s broken, or whether they are protecting women and children after an utterly broken marriage. Are we idolizing marriage or are we protecting victims of sexual crime by bringing them to healing places where the mind can be renewed and the body restored?

Are we idolizing marriage or are we worshiping God?

Are we in love with marriage or are we loving the helpless and hurting?

And in rape cases, are we more concerned with a man losing his home and family than we are with a child losing her virginity by the man who was called to father her?

If so, we do not understand the damage of sexual trauma nor the need for years to heal in a safe place where reminders are gone.

Satan loves to twist the submission thing and make it harmful rather than beautiful. And, if I may speak boldly, some men love to protect other men from certain ruin and loss even when the man himself ruined and lost his home.

Jesus has always called us to be a voice for the voiceless. And sometimes, that means the church helping wives do the hard thing of saying no because they are not yet able to, on their own.

I am eternally grateful for the men who helped me, for the way my mind cleared when I was out from under psychological manipulation that almost destroyed me. For them to assure me that I needed rescue more than my marriage needed rescue.

I needed Godly men, and they came.

I’m asking them to come for other women’s aid, too.

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8, ESV)

For hope and healing,

Sara D.

A Celebration of Masculinity

“They say women don’t need men anymore,” my fourteen year old son told me on the way to school.

“Who says that?” I asked. “Because your mom and sisters certainly don’t believe that.

The look on his face made me want to cry. Fourteen year old boys are already facing identity questions. Who am I, and where do I belong? Who needs me?

And yesterday as he helped his sister move, I could see his shoulders square up. He literally saved the day along with another young man who brought a truck to help with a heavy mattress.

My daughter and I had no problem needing men yesterday and I was so proud of her as she expressed respect and appreciation for the men’s strength and help. Ironically, the two young men lit up doing exactly what she needed.

Biological design lines up with Biblical order, because the God of the Bible created biological design. Fascinating, life giving, encouraging and affirming of both genders–we simply cannot improve this.

God designed good men to want to care for and protect women. And I want to say to all women, even to those who’ve been hurt by a man, that women need good men.

We had a talk there in the car, my boy and I. Femininity and masculinity are both under attack in our culture, and I want my children to know deeply the calling God has on their lives.

My son is the first to open my door when we go out. I trained him for this, on purpose, by standing to the side of the door until he got there. And the other day when I asked him what the newest thing was that he learned on his phone, he said, “How to be a good husband someday.”

Yesterday as I spoke with another woman struggling with betrayal, I spoke to her of womanhood, how even us single ladies can inspire the world with feminine manners that call out the best in people around us.

We don’t need a husband to do this, though we wish for one. We can still embody what we’ve always wanted to be. We can refuse the attitude of “I don’t need a man” and instead hold on to gratefulness for the good men in the world.

We can still be fully woman and fully alive.

And here’s the thing—ladies, you don’t need a perfect man in order to be a grace-filled woman. If he provides for you, is faithful to you, and seeks to love you, be grateful every day. Look for the ways he’s showing love even if it’s different than what you want. And if you need him to show love another way, ask him for that specifically. But please don’t walk around with a chip on your shoulder if you have a truly good, but imperfect, husband.

Tell him you appreciate him, often.

Notice his good qualities and speak them out loud.

Let him come home to peace—and remember, peace is a gift for your children, too.

Look him in the eyes and smile. Like, truly meet his eye with a smile.

When he comes home after a long day of labor, let him rest. If you’re a stay at home mom, please don’t nag at him to fold laundry unless you truly need help because of babies, etc.

If you’re a working mom, let him know you need his support when you both get home.

Be specific and gracious in your requests. Men want to be asked for a need they can meet rather than be nagged for a need they didn’t meet, because they were never asked.

I’m here to call out gratefulness for the faithful man.

This man may not be as romantic as you want him to be. He may not know any of your favorite therapy phrases or personality tests or attachment styles. He may kick off his boots inside your door and drape his coat over your dining room chair.

He may love God but not be the best teacher of each chapter in scripture.

I’m calling women to stop the comparison game and stare down the blessing of a man who loves you for life. Some of you are blessed to have all your bills paid without having to worry about it. Others of you are working alongside your husband to meet financial needs in a cost-hijacked world. Either way, your husband wants to know he’s your support and at the end of the day, you need him.

He wants to know you’re grateful.

He needs to know you admire him.

If that gives you struggle, I want to remind us ladies that admiration to a man is what love is to a woman. Today’s world embraces women who ask for love while it scorns men who need to be admired and respected. Yet, one is as good as the other because both are God-designed.

I defy divorce culture in the name of Jesus because I see a better way, a way that creates heaven-sent love into the hearts of our children and each other. I know it takes two, and one cannot do it alone—but one can always find their identity in Christ, obey His word, and leave the outcome to Jesus Who doesn’t force change on anyone.

Remember that if you follow Jesus in how you treat your spouse, change in your spouse is not guaranteed—but here’s the thing: obeying God will change YOU. And a love relationship with Jesus is worth having whether or not our spouse gives us the relationship we long for.

I speak this over you as a woman who tried (too hard) to save her marriage, and it broke anyway. God’s call for me as a woman always has been to carry myself with honor and dignity. It’s a “Yes, Lord” love relationship with Jesus that isn’t based on what I get or don’t get.

And I want you to know, married friends, that you can carry yourself with honor and joy with an imperfect husband. Be joyful, be grateful, address needs clearly, get your head out of the sand, and live free.

The Ancient of Days always has had, and always will have, ancient ways. Those ways aren’t feeling based; they are truth based–and they truly work for good.

Whoever dares plant their feet on the Rock of Ages will truly stand on something solid where the gift of God remains undeniably life giving, life changing, and life altering.

Today, look at your imperfect husband and speak it to him, “I appreciate you so much for—.”

Men need to be needed. And I will say to any woman, “Men ARE needed.”

The bulk of military is …..men.

Most hunters are……men.

Most construction workers…….men.

Strongest and tallest………..men.

Fastest to protect……..men.

And you want a baby? Well, I hate to break it to you but you need a…….man.

Tell him you appreciate him, today and often in the days to come.

In a world of dishonor, remember that your crowning glory as a woman is to honor those around you, and especially your husband.

Never let the world rob you of the dignity of womanhood. Because if we do, we lose the ability to encourage true manhood.

A sisterhood is truly thriving if it sees the value of brotherhood. And to all the ladies out there, if you meet my boys, please treat them like gentlemen who are needed in the world, with God given attributes different than your own because women do not have it all.

Together, as we celebrate both masculinity and femininity, we have what we need.

Love,

Sara