Relationships – Women of Purpose

For My Single Moms

I looked at her face and thought, “Why is she in a church conference when she needs a spa?”

I knew why she was there—it wasn’t so much for thoughts on how to create a Biblical church. Craving more than isolation, she was there for community and friendship.

I asked her aside to a small room and saw relief. The doors closed and the next hours were spent laughing and crying as only two single moms can.

I’m writing for her, and I’m writing for other single moms who call me during the week. And I’m writing for the sincere and loving people who ask me, “What can we do to help crisis moms?”

My own story pales because I have a dad and brothers who are always there, making sure I’m okay. Many of the moms I speak to have neither dad, friend, or brother. And they are desperate.

I write for these moms and for those of you who have so kindly asked me how you can help. The answers are simple, but they do require a shift of expectation, and they do require sacrifice.

1. Ask questions before assuming anything.

I ask questions to the woman who tells me she’s thankful for little things, like being able to feel her back pain. Why is she thankful to feel pain?

Her ex-husband had sexually and physically hurt her for so many years that in order to cope, her bodily reactions to pain shut down and she became numb. Five years later as some wonder why she’s curled up in a ball with a blanket around her, I understand that the adrenaline it took to survive the years is just now wearing off.

None of us want to feel pain, and here she was, thankful just to feel again. Feeling is a gift we take for granted—but numbness isolates the human heart from life itself.

Feel the good.

Feel the bad.

Experience joy.

Experience sorrow.

Leaving an abusive marriage takes years of pushing forward. This means it may be 5-7 years later when the mind and body is able to grieve, because those first years are a push to survival. Like PTSD symptoms in soldiers often surfacing 7 years after battle, a single mom and her children may or may not only begin to face the truth of the past when life settles down again and there is time to think rather than survive.

Those who don’t understand this will judge and move away from a woman who “can’t seem to get over her sorrow to find joy.”

They’ll accuse her of being a victim rather than understanding that finally being able to feel her grief is the first step to her becoming a victor.

She’ll hear Bible verses on joy but won’t feel the whole message of the God of the Bible enveloping her in comfort and rest.

When we force premature healing, we encourage numbness. There are enough people in the world covering pain with humor, sarcasm, and avoidance. These are the ones who find it hard to love, connect, and establish long term, close relationships, either platonically or romantically.

My urgent message is this:

Families must be able to step out of their own experience and enter another’s crisis even years after people think it should be over by now.

Thank God a woman is able to feel again. Let her cry, and cry, and cry for as many years as it took being numb to avoid feeling physical pain inflicted onto her body. Sit with her and put your arm around her, but don’t expect her to talk or show up for every meeting. Allow her to belong with no expectations.

The mind can and will create new nuero-pathways which will help the body regulate. This is often a slow and misunderstood process, hindered even further by judgment.

When a woman feels emotionally safe, she can heal faster. None of her energy should have to be spent navigating hurtful comments. Unfortunately, because the church is often unaware of the crisis happening right under its pulpit, it is even more ill-equipped to handle it properly when abuse is brought to light.

Because of this, I write. Ladies, throw a blanket around her shoulders and pull her in close. Men, add her son to yours for all the things.

2. Consider her family, not a visitor.

My parents were great at this. I grew up in a home filled with single women or children from broken homes. Because my dad was trust-worthy, my mom never worried about other females being around. We had a familial atmosphere for us, yes, but we extended our table and opened our doors to anyone who needed the same.

Family is not an end; it is a means to an end. In other words, family is a gift from God not to hoard but to use as a ministry platform. We hear it often—marriage should do more for the kingdom, not less—then we get married and turn our houses into our own rather than into homes of service for God.

I honestly believe this is why so many Christian women seem bored, dissatisfied, and able to create problems out of nothing. The human heart is designed to feel restless until it finds its rest in God—which means we’re so busy with our Father’s business that we have no time for unnecessary drama or self-inflicted pity.

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress.” (James 1:27a)

This means we don’t say, “Sorry, I can’t have your child over because we’re going out with friends.” A mom goes to work while her child sits at home alone while two families go out to have fun for the day, somehow because adding another child would kill the vibe they’ve set their expectations on.

Perfect love often disrupts the idea of perfect family days, and makes them even better. We get to add family. These kids don’t need to feel like they can visit when it’s convenient; they need to feel like they belong.

Belonging isn’t convenient—it just is. It’s a thing, a gift, a state of existence every human being should be able to experience. A child robbed of it needs it more than ever, but it has to be created, on purpose.

Children whose father abandons them (usually after physical or emotional abuse) heal much better if another family remains. A child should be able to say, “He was always there when my own father wasn’t.”

The slogan needs to become “Adopt a single mom’s child” rather than “Let’s reach out to them when it fits our schedule.”

Scripture says, “He settles the solitary in a home.” (Psalm 68:6, ESVa)

3. Get rid of your own fear.

Two moms told me that holding babies was comforting to them. One was told that she’s using babies as a drug and to top it off, both were judged for perhaps being a pedophile.

One of the moms was already rejected, alone, and had suffered more than most of the rest of America put together. Of course she needed to hold babies. I don’t have words to express my righteous anger on this–but may I only hear this twice from single moms, and never again.

Christian wives need to repent of hurting moms in crisis with their own fearful outlook on life.

4. Single moms are not a threat.

Most single moms will take a bullet before they take your husband.

Yes, they’re single, and yes, there should be appropriate boundaries.

This could look like group texts, an appropriate amount of people in the room, etc. A single mom never needs to be alone with your husband or even text him solo. It is easy and appropriate to set up group texts rather than texts between her and your husband.

But I have never seen more fear and judgment toward single moms than from conservative Christian wives. Ladies, I speak to you frankly. If you can’t trust your husband, that is yours and his problem, not the single mom’s.

If you’re threatened by her beauty, take it to God and allow your own beauty to shine.

If you’re threatened by the fact she takes care of her body, listen to your own inner longing and start taking care of yours.

If she’s vulnerable and feminine, and you know in your heart of hearts that Godly men rise to help women like this, allow that knowledge to create in you a desire to be feminine and vulnerable with your own husband.

Again, if she has something you do not, it is not her problem—but an invitation from God to observe something you admire and create the same in yourself.

Single women are often from marriages where husbands demanded and expected her to take care of her body. After he’s gone, she will want to do so out of love for God and herself rather than out of fear of being discarded.

I would love to not hear this over the phone, “I shouldn’t have to be ugly in order to not be a threat.”

Or, “I can’t wait to be a grandma so that women don’t feel threatened.”

Christian wives, this is your invitation to create in yourself what you fear in her.

Leaves are falling on my laptop as I write these words, and they are beautiful. Brown and fallen, but lovely in their season.

And as the church becomes aware of ways to help rather than hurt women and children in crisis, it can add beauty to the dark season of their lives.

Hope is never out of reach within communal love.

5. Make sure she’s okay financially.

I grew up watching my dad dig deep into his pockets for vulnerable women and children. One year he bought a mobile home and hauled it to our yard for two women who showed up for coffee and had no place to go. Until the home was ready, he and mom gave up their bedroom and moved upstairs. Even when the home was set up, either of them walked across the yard in the mornings to join our family table for breakfast.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was always good. And because it was good, it was blessed by God. And because it was blessed by God, the family was more okay than if we’d have saved our happy walls for ourselves.

Another friend I know has had 15 foster children in and out of his home. Active love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but it should be overtly obvious that sacrifice is made for the orphan and widow.

It hurts to hear a single mom tell me she worked six 12-hour days a week to become financially stable. This, during the worst crisis I’ve heard from my moms. This, and it shouldn’t be this way.

Pure religion isn’t going to church, dressed well. Pure religion is to relieve the distress on widows and orphans.

I didn’t realize the beauty of my parent’s life-style until I became a single mom in crisis. Dad and mom never experienced crisis of my own nature, but they were tapped into the heart of God long before they had a daughter in crisis. They did for another’s daughter long before they did for their own.

Because in the body of Christ, no one should ever feel alone. The family of God reaches far and wide, and it knows no boundaries when it comes to love.

In the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who work together in perfect harmony, gift your moms in crisis the same love.

Thanks for asking, sincerely. And thanks for allowing me to pen these honest answers.

For the Cause of Hope,

Sara D.

Grace, Graffiti, and Gossip

“The South is known for saying ‘bless your heart’ to peoples’ faces, then talking about them behind their back,” our pastor said recently.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard that and I knew it was true. The south has it’s own faults just like the north, albeit different.

In the Pacific Northwest where I’m from, you’ll see lots of addicts, drugs, and alcohol. You may even see barbed wire strung over bridges to prevent more suicide, and you may or may not be allowed to use a rest room in a cafe where you just purchased coffee because too many teens use drugs in the teeny room out of sight.

“Do I look like I use drugs?” I asked the barista once, gently. “Can I please use your bathroom?”

She looked at me and nodded her head, and I had a bathroom.

Of course there’s graffiti everywhere, too. Like the gum wall in Seattle that isn’t only splashed in color, but covered in chewed gum. (Don’t ask me why this reminds me of my childhood when I used to find pieces of gum in the driveway and started chewing on it myself.)

The north has its vices, out there in the Ho Rainforest where water drips off magnificent trees and waterfalls tumble over rocks, where mountains rise in the distance with such splendor that one can only stare and wish to score the next highest peak, where flowers bloom alongside patches of snow, somehow all of it stepping toward the sea.

There’s nothing more glorious than a campfire with some of your best friends on top such a mountain—and I’ll sleep up there any day no matter how hard the ground is.

It’s in the towns below where the trouble is obvious. I don’t want to see barbed wire strung high over a bridge to prevent one more teen a voluntary death, desperate to escape mental despair.

It’s odd though, that here in the South, where wealth is obvious and churches stand on every street corner, where business trucks roll along with “Heaven and Earth Landscape” or “Alpha and Omega Construction”–it’s here that we’re known for gossip and gluttony.

The Bible Belt. We can preach the word of God without having the heart of God.

I’ve been troubled by my own words at times. Like a knowing in my soul that I sometimes said things about others that didn’t need to be said. I didn’t like it—and I struggled to make sense of it. What was God saying to me?

Here’s what God was trying to teach me.

1. Anything not said in love for the well-being of another, doesn’t need to be said.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.” 1 Corinthians 13: 1

I was once aware of another’s sin repeated without cause to someone. I felt terrible for the person it was said about (I don’t even know the person) and realized again that the ruckus of gossip can ruin lives. This dear person could repent to God and others who wouldn’t repeat it, but if someone merely discussed it, it could have long lasting affects. My heart ached that God’s people would allow for redemption by not passing along information needlessly, even if it was true.

2. Be a safe person.

Once I shared something with a friend and later wondered if it was kept in confidence. I picked up the phone and asked her. She had kept my heart and life in confidence and it meant so much to me. I want to do the same for others.

3. Realize that gossip comes from insecurity.

What wounds are we trying to heal by wounding another? Why can we feel good about ourselves by making someone else look bad?

What are we feeling so terrible about in our own lives that we feel the need to tear another person down, just so we can feel lifted up?

“How can you believe, who receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” John 5:44

4. When we stop worrying about what others think, there’s a light joy over us that has no desire or need to talk badly about someone else, even if it’s true.

I became so enamoured with grace that I wanted to give it to others. I wanted to hug the person I used to be bitter toward—and the person I went to in person about the way she’d hurt others, well, I wanted her wrapped up in love, too.

Redeeming love toward all people became my theme. Bitterness fell off me and I could no longer hold grudges—even if someone had wronged me. I knew I had also wronged others and I needed a whole lot of grace, too.

Like a summer night lit up by an evening sky, the light of God’s love became so real that I longed for everyone not to worry what people thought, but to know deeply the thoughts of God toward them.

5. Go to people alone when you need to.

Do it before you talk to others, before you dump to your girlfriend, before you share it in a text.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:15

Here, we see the way God loves people. He doesn’t want His people discussed in a bad light because His heart toward them is good and growth—and He died to extend that kind of amazing grace to fallen mankind who would all need it at some point of their lives.

He wants you to go alone, so the person can repent with privacy and integrity.

If the person refuses to change his ways, He wants you to take others with you for added accountability.

See this—he’s not throwing the person with the problem under the bus. He gives him a private chance first.

Then, He’s not leaving you helpless and hurt. He asks you to take others with you if you need help after not being heard.

Redemption in the best way possible is God’s heart for all people—and it should be our hearts, too.

Lesser methods are a symptom of less than love in our hearts.

We may be afraid to confront someone—God asks us to trust Him in all things He asks us to do. “Perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18b, ESV

We may be afraid of someone not liking us if we gently confront them about something. In order to keep ourselves safe, we head to a friend to vent rather than to the person herself.

I have to think Jesus weeps over pride like this—and here’s the thing, He absolutely knows how to humble us.

“But He gives more grace. Therefor it says, God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6, Esv

At the end, the only disclaimer I can give is if someone isn’t safe. Then, you need to head for help immediately. There are absolutely times when emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse call for immediate intervention without first going alone.

God loves you. He keeps you safe in His care by giving you safe people.

God loves others also. He aims to redeem them with the Grace He died for. Can you help others run to Jesus rather than run from people who call themselves Jesus Followers?

Humble and loving, Jesus was most relaxed with sinners who saw their need and longed to touch the hem of His robe for healing and forgiveness. He tensed up with religious people who did whatever it took to feel righteous about themselves rather than enter the righteousness of Christ where everyone kneels on horizontal ground in utter need of absolute grace.

Living in the goodness of God, as Jenn Johnson so beautifully sings, means we don’t live in our own goodness or in another’s goodness. We expect to find faults everywhere we go, and we expect to give grace as we want to receive it.

Then, we confess our faults to trustworthy people, because owning where we’ve gone wrong helps us get closer to what’s right. Rather, the only One Who’s always right.

And we get this deeply, this undeniable truth that walking toward a church building won’t make us a real Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes us a car.

It’s mercy and truth that meet together in one redemptive wrap around, like a circle of redeeming love. There, we can truly say “I’m a Jesus Follower and we love each other.”

Stand with me here, walk with me here, kneel with me here, for His glory and for the sake of those He loves—which is EVERYONE.

“Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be til I die.”

By Grace alone,

Sara D.

How Grace Changes Us

I always feel badly for people who fast, and I’m like, “Don’t tell me you’re fasting because I’ll feel sorry for you all day long—or days long.”

And because life often takes more energy than I have, the last several years I’ve focused on keeping my physical energy by feeding my body. The amount of meals I eat just to keep energy has me telling sister that I wish we’d be neighbors so she could feed me (best cook ever!) and I could return the favor by cleaning her house.

So it took extra courage to start the year with a ten day fruit and vegetable fast. I struggled. I spent hours more on the couch. I watched “Alone”, which is a documentary on men surviving in my beloved Pacific Northwest with no food sources except what’s around them in the sea and forest.

I knew I wasn’t as hungry as they were, but it felt like it. Day after day, I’d do my work then crash on the couch as my body adjusted and my spirit became more and more clear.

I woke praying one day, asking God what He wanted to speak to me. What did I need to rid my life from?

He nailed it. In difficult conversations, I didn’t actively listen enough. Thus began a deeper journey into how to love people better.

I thought I was a good friend, a good listener—but I also knew that in stressful situations my heart would squeeze tight with stress and I tried to remedy that with words that I hoped would help and eliminate the stress of the conversation.

In doing so, I’d transfer something onto another person that didn’t feel like love or care—even when that’s exactly what I wanted to be or show.

Here’s the thing about real grace—it’s free, yet was bought with a price. And something that expensive, given to us freely, is made to change, renew, restore a person into something better.

The oxymoron of accepting an expensive gift while putting it on the shelf for a later date (heaven) should strike us hard. The gift of grace is meant to draw us to our knees in repentance, allowing the light of it to shine onto places that are yet dark in our lives.

I repented of not listening better, the other day. I apologized to a friend who was on my heart. And I walked toward people rather than away from them.

I’m not good with conflict, but God is good, and He came to change atmospheres. Active listening is the best way to show someone you love them, yet most of us are good at actively speaking our own thoughts rather than actively hearing another’s heart.

It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong–because sometimes being understood is far less vital than making sure another feels heard. First, just listen with your presence.

The awesome thing about Grace is this—when heaven sheds its light onto something you’ve failed in, it also sheds its awareness of how you could grow.

Every time the Spirit of Christ nails something in me, I’m aware of deep, deep Love reaching out to heal, restore, change, and bring me to better things.

I feel safe with God even when I know I’m not representing Him well, and He has to create grief in my soul over it. “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, ESV)

See this—there’s no grief in Godly sorrow because it leads us to things that will save us, and bring salvation to others.

Our post modern, humanistic culture teaches us that we are enough, and that we should love ourselves the way we are. Friends, I’m here to tell you something different. We are not enough, and sometimes we’re actually quite messed up.

And if you expect your people to be enough, you’ll be disappointed because they will fail you, hurt you, and be less than you need.

But when we understand grace we can’t carry the weight of humanity’s mess any longer. The cross still stands, and it still eradicates sin, and when you can care deeply about a person and be unable to carry offense, you know that Grace has indeed won in your soul.

Fasting made God’s voice clearer. Things I knew before, I now really knew.

I had to give myself the same grace I wanted to give others. Rather than say, “Man, Sara, that was really dumb”, I needed to say, “Lord, I failed. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me. Thank you for showing me a better way.”

I realized, as I accepted Grace, that I was unable to carry the weight of it. Christ set me free.

The goal is to be spiritually, socially, emotionally, and relationally mature. We work hard at it—and yet, we have those areas God shows us are not aligned to love. Here, we get to bow before the cross and allow Grace to seep into our bones and marrow, changing who we are and what we are.

We extend the same grace to others. Most people don’t want to be mean or ill spoken. Most are just humans making mistakes, often born out of their own pain. And when a person is truly cruel, God will deal with him in his own time and way.

In the end, the universe needs Grace—this unmerited favor thing, this free yet costly thing—this counter cultural, life changing, heaven embracing thing that will change us if we truly receive it.

To celebrate Grace, here’s a book—because all of life takes reminders of how to bring Grace into the rough places and allow it to change atmospheres.

The blackened salmon salad today is great—but Grace is even better. Cheers to 2025, being renewed, restored, and living Grace.

Much love,

Sara

For the Joy of It

Yesterday my sister and I put Christmas hats on miniature goats, then took them for a walk in the snow. Both of us were unashamedly delighted and couldn’t stop laughing.

It didn’t matter what others thought of us, or whether someone wondered how two grown women could be that silly. We were absolutely thrilled at walking our favorite pets through a snowy December town.

My sister’s pet goats didn’t just happen; she worked for them. From a small outdoor shed, hay and feed, to a fence in her small town yard, she ran after what brought her joy—and in the process, God used these pets to form community in her small town.

She even took the goats to public school where she taught school each day. I’d watched her study and work for years to get her masters in teaching. I’d wondered what man would be good enough for this sister of mine, and I even listened on the phone as she worried that she was merely running after what she wanted—and what if her now- husband wasn’t God’s will for her?

But nothing stood in the way. No red flags and no major faults—just another awesome, yet imperfect man before her giving her the choice to choose his love, or walk away. So I encouraged her to simply lean into the gift of this man since that is what she desired.

A few years later, the joy of that goat walk was multifaceted after both of us hearing a sermon at church that day on “surrender”. Her kind husband, dreamt-of job, cozy little home, and quirky little pets had all culminated in her surrender to God’s yes.

I want us to consider a side of surrender that is just as important as the side we usually hear about. In order to see God, embracing His yes is as vital as agreeing to His no.

Christians often elaborate on the need to deny self, but we can only deny sin with victory when we’re satisfied that God is good in all He does. And a big part of that is walking in all the good things He offers.

It is actually damaging to others when we only attribute suffering and denial to a good God. People can struggle for decades with surrender when all they ever hear is how important it is to agree with God’s no.

What about God’s yes? Isn’t it just as vital to agree to all aspects of God? If we don’t embrace the gifts of God, we enter a bleak, monk-like asceticism where we struggle to surrender to God.

Asceticism is not surrender; it is as ungodly as selfishness because it is not of God.

Surrender means loving God and being filled with God, after which we run after the gifts of God while simultaneously agreeing with God when He says no.

Anything not of God we refuse and every desire given by God we embrace.

Refusing the gifts of God is as harmful as refusing to surrender our desires to God.

Embrace both God’s no and His yes. Simply embrace God, then look to see what He’s created you to be, in a mortal body with an immortal spirit.

Did you know God created your body and soul as much as your spirit? That you are eternal, starting the moment you were conceived in the womb? That earth is a passage way to glory and everlasting bliss?

Even here, we are created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Sister, God created your mind, will, emotions, and body for His glory.

Your body is not sin, but it can sin.

Your emotions are not sin, but they can become sin.

Your will is not sin, but it can lead you to sin.

When you’re in tune with Jesus, He will give you desires in line with His will. What is burning on your heart? Could it be that understanding surrender is understanding that some of our desires are placed there by God, and the holiest, most surrendered thing we can do is lean into, run after, and embrace the longings placed there by Him?

He wants to accomplish good things, sisters. So it remains that a large part of surrender is not usually even mentioned by the church.

We are told to give up and surrender what we want, but we are not taught to lean into desires placed there by God, and run after them.

Follow hard after God.

Say yes when God says yes.

Say no when God says no.

Remember that when God says no, He’s leading you toward His best yes.

And just as much, remember that when God says yes, saying no to yourself will only lead you into bondage. Some of the worst bondage I’ve seen is from people who focus on the wrongs of the world rather than the rights of a good, good Father.

Asceticism is not surrender just as grabbing things selfishly is not surrender.

The only blessed, joyful, holy union with God is a whole hearted yes to His blessing and design for our humanity, and a whole hearted surrender to His no when He says no.

Our greatest longing is satisfied in union with God and His ways for the entirety of our body, soul, and spirit.

In this way, surrender becomes a joy rather than a teeth gritting sacrifice we can barely do. God becomes GOOD.

God is the safest, most blessed, most healthy option for you. Lean into Him! Enjoy everything He created you to enjoy and this will help you surrender things He asked you not to indulge in.

Surrender doesn’t necessarily mean we lose an opportunity, but it changes our posture in that blessing. We enjoy it even more when we see God in it. And we can’t enjoy it fully when God isn’t in it.

Remember that you won’t get an audible word from heaven for all decisions. Sometimes God places strong desires in our hearts and we dismiss them, attributing them to mere carnality that needs to be “laid down”.

I’m here to tell you that full surrender to God includes picking up blessings He’s giving to us.

Being satisfied in God happens in union with God. There, in His presence, we are free to inhale His blessings and empowered to resign things we know are not from Him. His yes will fill you with wonder and His no will lead you to internal, eternal worship.

Just be full of Christ, and inhale.

Three Steps to Making Friends

A few Sundays ago I invited complete strangers into my home.

Enter, the big front door pushes open with a grind because it’s 118 years old, but Sunday morning coffee on the porch calls for hello’s from all kinds of neighbors. Somehow, we form community over old houses and love to peek inside each other’s homes.

The old wall paper greeted them warmly while my 17 year old daughter tried to greet them warmly, but of course, as soon as they were out the door, “Mama, don’t you know we don’t want strangers in our house on a Sunday morning?”

Yeah. What 17 year old girl wants a couple in their 30’s talking with her about paint colors and architecture while she eats her cereal with messy hair and an unwashed face? Poor baby. But I smile merrily and tell her “That’s a great way to make friends—they wanted to peek inside this old house.”

By the time the couple left, she’d given me her number and they’d parted with “Call us if you ever need anything at all—my husband is handy!”

Ladies, do you know how to bless a single mom? Give her your number with offers to help if the plumbing leaks or the bathroom fan gives out, or the water heater spills into old wooden floors. You get the picture. I wish I had a husband to offer services to all my single mom friends—because here’s the thing—making friends is not a technique; it’s a lifestyle.

But, here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way, moving to places I knew little to no one:

1. When you meet a person, it’s all about them, not about ourselves.

Immediately after hello’s, now is the time to ask thoughtful questions that engage a response. Rather than changing the course back to yourself, the time is still ripe to ask another thoughtful question based on what they told you.

People light up when another is genuinely interested in their lives. And this kind of person is rare. I always notice when someone is able to talk extensively without focusing mostly on themselves.

After a painful divorce, it seemed I processed verbally a whole lot. My friends were more patient with me than I was with myself. But there was a time where enough was enough, and years of healing had to lead me into a new focus on others. Still, I had to pace myself. Crowds were too much sometimes, and I struggled to engage—but a life skills course took me back to who I used to be as I remembered that thriving in a crowd means taking an interest in the person beside me.

I put it in practice after a service recently, and a complete stranger said, “We should be friends”, then shared her information with me. I need to follow up and have her over—but get this, it took mere minutes of me asking her about herself and her life rather than rushing off to preserve my own mental space.

When I talk with strangers, I keep reminding myself, “This is not about me.”

2. Be flexible and open.

Tonight my kitchen is full of five boys eating rice and talking about buggers. Yes, buggers. It was nauseating but I laughed more tonight than I would have if my kitchen was empty.

It all happened impromptu when friends who had David for the weekend asked if I’d watch their boys while they went on a date. Of course I said yes and of course I cooked a huge pot of rice to eat with crock pot chicken and of course I pulled out the popsicles from the freezer.

But of course I was also glad the five boys chose to crowd around the old wooden island for their sticky rice rather than head for my lovely dining room. And of course I also disappeared after dinner while they did dishes.

I love friendships with people of all ages. Another mom’s children, elderly widow neighbors, fellow singles, both guys and girls alike. Every human being we encounter may offer the chance of a blessing, hopefully both ways, but always from us to them.

Being others focused allows us to create an atmosphere that delights others and makes them excited to be around us. We should be a space of warmth, love, and care for each person, even in the grocery line. Don’t be too shy to smile and compliment strangers—it can make another’s day!

Making friends takes only a few ingredients: a keen interest in others, and a warm invitation to your personal space, including your heart. When the time is right, open your soul with those who hold is safely. Be vulnerable.

Celebrate others. Take every opportunity to call out the good in others. “I love your sweater—where did you find it?” kind of comments has brightened many a stranger’s face. What women doesn’t want to feel beautiful?

3. Last but not least, remember that not everyone is meant to be your friend.

Respect that some of the best people already have too much going on and have no capacity for more. Learn to see those in the crowd who need and want friends.

The goal is not always to make a personal friend, but to bless another’s personal life in the few moments you enter their space.

Some will be mere acquaintances.

Some will be friends.

And some will be, as Anne of Green Gables says, “Bosom friends.” for a lifetime.

When you find those, hang onto them tightly and never let go. Work through fights and failures, and always keep coming back. Forgive big and love even bigger. Say “I’m sorry” even when you don’t need to, and say it ten times over when you truly do need to.

The real ones will forgive you and the ones who use you for their own gratification won’t. Let them go and be thankful their true motives were revealed. A real friend won’t demand perfection and will forgive mistakes.

Love. It’s all about love for this universe of people created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Thanks to all you readers for being hidden friends in the line of words spilling across the screen, and sometimes, the page.

Love to all,

Sara

Live as if You Were Dying

Watching four children walk up stage to express love for their father, in tears, broke me a little today. Two of the girls were engaged and had lost their dad just before their weddings. Everyone was in tears, and what they loved most about the man who passed away was his love for gathering with others and creating spaces where people enjoyed each other’s company.

I knew it was true because I’d experienced it from him, too. He was always interested in meaningful conversation and as his daughter said, “He made me feel like I was the smartest woman in the room.”

What a beautiful thing for a daughter to be able to say.

But what can we all do to create the same sense of love and belonging as he did?

I love birthday parties where we all gather in a circle and take turns sharing what we love about the birthday person.

Sometimes, a birthday gift is a remodeled bathroom, like this son did for his mother.

Usually, he or she is squirming—and I wonder why we are all so uncomfortable with encouragement, as if perfection was needed before we accept that we truly are a blessing in so many ways.

We usually hear most of the good about someone at their memorial service when they are no longer there to hear it. There’s not a person on earth who doesn’t need to know they are needed, loved, and valued while they’re living.

It hit me, this thing of living as if we were dying. Someday, I’ll be in the grave. I have four children, too.

I bought a house yesterday, then called my oldest daughter last night to check in on her. A mother’s nest is never empty, even after her babies have flown. “What are you doing this weekend, and do you want to join the other kids and I to have dinner at the new house, and just hang out there together?”

She jumped on it. And I remembered a week prior that she’d asked me to please invite her to do things with us. I’d been a little surprised because I thought she knew how much she was loved and wanted in this family—by her mother, especially.

I agreed quickly. She was twenty years old, and I wanted my ceiling to be her floor. If she never had another woman wanting her to pass her up and go far beyond, she’d have that from her mother. And I always wanted her around. But, she needed to hear it.

The man who passed away had been able to travel and do expensive things, but I’m a single mom. Often, as I’m working, I open Instagram to see my friends flying to other places of the world with their husbands, relaxing by turquoise colored waters with a margarita in hand. Sometimes they’re surrounded by happy children—and I think of my own, and how I want to give them all the above, too.

I may not be flying to the Bahamas, but I can order pizza and gather my kids into the new kitchen that’s actually 118 years old. I won’t hear my daughter express excitement over flying to Europe, but I’ll hear her say, “I can bring my own children to this house someday” and I realize that creating home for children even after they’re adults is far more meaningful than being able to fly to another country for a week or two.

We’ll always look back and laugh over the days we drove six hours in one day to have about the same amount of time at Wilmington Beach. How we’d pack sandwiches so we wouldn’t have to buy coastal food, and how we’d head three hours home when we wanted to head to the closest hotel room over looking white sand and crashing blue waves.

We won’t be sinking into soft white pillows to the sound of waves; we’ll be driving through the sunset with sand between our toes and the younger kids falling asleep brown from the sun and stomachs full of ice cream because we decided to spend at least a little bit of money that day.

What will matter is that we gathered, we laughed, we expressed appreciation for each other. And here’s the thing, mamas out there—your sixteen year old may gripe about the food in your pantry but when she’s twenty, she’ll re-word her complaints into “I can’t believe I used to gripe about your food, mom. You bought food for four children and I’m just feeding myself.”

Parents, don’t compare yourselves to others who can do more. Like Mary did when she poured ointment on Jesus’ feet, let’s do what we can with what we have. When Mary was criticized and told she should have done something different with her oil, Jesus told the critics to leave her alone, and said, “She has done what she could.” (Mark 14:8)

Some of us don’t do what we can do because we’re focused on what we can’t do. I want us to live fully and take what we have with both hands, hold it, ponder it, and then give it out—first of all to our families, then to those around us.

Let’s live as if we’re dying—because one day, our tongues will be silent and our hands will be still.

I want us to gather as if tomorrow was the last day we were able to see others.

I want us to steer conversations into words of life that give grace to those who hear them.

I want us to live FORWARD because we know the Father of mercies, the God of comfort, and the Spirit of healing and hope.

Let’s not wait for a memorial service to express appreciation for each other; let’s live as if we are going to die.

Because we often say, “I’d be willing to die for you.” Can we say with equal confidence “I’m going to live for you”?

Because only in living well can we die well. And only in dying to ourselves, can we truly live.

“Except a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24, ESV

How to Handle Rejection

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

Rejection-everyone’s favorite topic!

I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.

In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.

When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.

We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.

-Get closer to God in that moment/season

Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.

-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself

Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.

Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.

But the positive thing about rejection is this:

When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.

This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!

How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.

I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like

-“I am just not ready to date yet.”

-You are like a brother or sister to me.”

-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”

I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.

Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.

Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.

If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.

Cheers,

Johnny Davis

She’s Not My Type

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

Am I your type of person…….TYPE??

Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!

The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.

“Turns out they just were not my type.”

“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”

“I can’t believe I am not their type!”

We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?

Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.

The list:

If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.

Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.

The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.

Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.

-Blonde

-Hot

-In good shape

-Good cook

-Loves Jesus

-Good with finances

-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)

-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)

-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)

-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)

-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)

-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)

Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.

Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.

Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.

-A PURE MAN OF GOD!

-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn

-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle

-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome

-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet

-Already great with kids and loves her kids

-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region

-A musician who can sing to her

-A good dancer too, because that would be fun

How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.

These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.

So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.

How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).

We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.

When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.

Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.

I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.

First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.

I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.

-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.

-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.

-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t

-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.

My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.

My encouragement to those who read this are two things.

First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)

The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.

By Johnny Davis

Dating–What About “the One”?

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

If there is something that can feel more uncomfortable at times sitting in the church than being a “sinner”, it’s sitting in a church being single.

There are all sorts ot ideologies going around regarding Christian dating. What makes it harder is the Bible says a lot about marriage, but barely anything about how to get there.

What is the answer then?

Should we kiss dating goodbye and wait for the angelic encounter to tell us that cutie who sits in the front by the alter is “the one”?

Maybe forget it all and as long as the person can say Jesus and breathes oxygen, it’s go time?

These are humorous, over-exaggerated version of the two common mindsets I tend to see the most. Over spiritualize the dating process or just date any person we are slightly attracted to.

I do not have my doctorate in human emotion. I don’t have a 50 year successful marriage to use to show my experience.

I have, however, in a journey of self betterment, learned from my mistakes. I have watched and learned by other’s mistakes. I have sought teaching from various programs, podcasts and teachings. A combination of all the above create the thoughts and lessons I share.

Dating is such a big topic. It would take more than a blogpost or even a book of them to fully cover everything in the topic of dating. We will just start with an opening discussion.

So, let’s talk about dating in the church!

The “one” is a concept we’ve all heard about. That one person in the world who is our perfect match. Countless childhood Disney princess movies (before attacks start, I am a big Disney fan myself) and all those romantic movies where the couple meet and are just perfect for each other. The stuff of our dreams.

This somehow has become very prevalent in the church as well. Many conversations and prayers using the term “the one” all over the place. Now there are stories of married couples who have encounters with God that seem to prove they were meant for each other. Though if we get mathematical, that would be likely 1% of Christian married couples.

I read this quote that I really enjoy about “the one” on a podcast. When asking a married couple when they knew that they had found “the one”, this is what they said, “I knew I had found the one when I was standing at the alter saying ‘I do’.”

I can hear wrong when I feel like God is leading me somewhere. We’ve likely all felt called to do something and had it not turn out the best. We realize, oh maybe we heard wrong. Maybe we listened to a voice other than God. If we can hear wrong in the small things, why would it be any different in the major life decisions?

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the church. If we look through that lens and try to apply ”the one” mindset, there is a big issue.

God created us with free will; we have to choose him. In the same way, God did not force his only Son to die for humanity. Christ choose to die for our sins. He chose to be our redemption.

In the same way, when we pursue marriage, it’s not because it is the only person God put on the earth to be with. Marriage is supposed to be a choice. A beautiful choice that you don’t just make once, but you choose everyday for the rest of your life. Christ died for our sins. Not just for the days we whole heartedly love him. He chooses us even on the days when we act as if we couldn’t care less about him.

What’s the point? I feel the mindset of “the one”, though a beautiful idea, can also take away the responsibility of the choice we make when we pursue marriage. If we are basing this choice on what we feel is “God’s will”, then what happens if we are wrong? Do we just brush it off as we must have heard wrong? As much of the Disney dreamer as I am, when we over-spiritualize the dating process, it can lead to so many bad outcomes that can be prevented.

So what does that mean for dating in the church? It means we should have and put more value on a dating process.

I can already hear the nails on the chalk board sound of someone saying “I don’t date, I court”. This, of course, being the belief the world has so poisoned the term dating, so we make up our own thing and call it courting. We think it’s very different and so much better.

In courting we:

-only pursue someone we intend to marry

-we always have parents and leaders opinions heavily involved

-We only hang out in groups and public places.

There is probably more I could say on that. I’m not trying to offend any “courting” fans out there, trust me. Though I will say your “courting” is still just your own version of dating.

Dating has been around before the yeet generation, before the radio was filled with rap songs bragging how many ladies a rapper could get, and before the explosion of boy bands. Your parents dated, your grandparents dated.

If I ask you how to cook food, what would you say? Would it involve a stove top? A frying pan? Well, I once had someone cook something for me using a stove top and frying pan and it was awful. It made me super sick. Using a frying pan on a stove top is cooking that didn’t work out, so now I don’t cook food, I “prepare food” and only use the oven. Sound silly? Of course! Cooking is more than just how one person or even multiple people do it. In fact, I’d dare to say we all have our own quirks when we cook.

Dating is not defined by how any certain group does it. We will all take the journey of dating in our own unique way. We will take things that benefit and help us, while also finding things that we could try to do to better. This will have input from those we trust as well as past experiences to create something unique to us.

Here are some of things I’ve come to realize about how we need to change how we look at dating in the church

-it’s great to date with intention to marry, but to put the pressure of marriage in the beginning stages of dating is just unrealistic. You actually have to spend some time dating someone to know if this is someone you want to marry

-its important to have input in our dating process from people we trust, but we can not just copy and paste someone’s dating journey and apply it to our lives. Those people have their own lives, trauma, likes, dislikes, etc that creates their journey. Some things may work great, some may actually be more of a hinderance. It’s our job to craft our dating journey ourselves.

-The cute guy/girl who you keep wanting to stand by in the prayer circle– they are much deeper than the person they are at the church events or hangouts. You won’t and shouldn’t know how they fit you in a dating sense just by being at those events. It’s going to take deep conversations. Seeing them outside the church walls, outside the groups. People who seem the most amazing, anointed, put together folks in the church, can be absolute disasters (I say lovingly) outside it. On the other side of that coin, some of the most amazing people in the church won’t show it until you spend more time with them where they feel they can fully be themselves.

Quick story that shows this well. I have a amazing friend who is like a sister to me. I always talk about how proud I am of her anytime I get, to the point where I think it’s started to lose it’s value. Anyways, she called me one day to tell me a boy from our friend group liked her. She asked what she should do. I asked her if she liked him at all. She had never thought about it and was not sure. I asked if she had ever hung out with him outside of church events. Turns out she had not. She really didn’t know too much about him. She knew he was a very nice guy but not much else. I would dare say he may not have even fit her normal mold of what she thought she was looking for. So I suggested she try hanging out with him one on one before she made any decisions. Turns out, luckily, a few others suggested the same. So she did. It was maybe a week later before she called me again saying how he is the most incredible man she has ever met and she is so in love with him.

She didn’t have this angelic encounter when she first saw him. She was not convinced she was gonna marry that boy (though he may have had his fingers crossed it would happen). Yet at the same time she didn’t just take the little she knew from seeing him at church or group events to form a opinion on if he could be someone she could see herself with. She decided to get to know him, really get to know him on a personal level to see if there was anything there. I could go on and on about this but I’ll save that for another time.

They are now happily married and I will never stop bringing up around her how she was not sure at first but then after doing the simple thing of taking time to see what was there beyond the obvious things she saw in church Sunday gatherings, she now has found the absolute love of her life. You just never know, good and even bad, what is really there until you’ve done the research.

So, be safe of course, take small steps if needed at first. Value your friends’ and mentor’s opinions. Start getting to know people and see the truth, good or bad, before making a decision on how datable or marry-able they are. Don’t put pressures on your dating journey that need not be there. In fact. in the beginning, don’t put that pressure of marriage on anyone. Get to know them (with healthy boundaries) and go from there.

For more on this topic, check out:

https://www.be-salt.com/spiritual-impact

I hope this was able to help someone on their dating journey.

Sincerely,

Johnny Davis, Youth and Young Adults Leader

Dear Single Mom, Part 1

I’ll never forget the day I opened up the door to a lady handing me a large yellow envelope.

My throat went dry. “Is this what I think it is?” I asked quietly.

She nodded her head as she studied my face, and tears filled her eyes before she turned and silently walked away.

The day I looked over those complicated divorce papers was the D-Day of my life.

So I’m here to tell you, single mom, that you’re not alone and I get it. For me, you don’t have to appear brave when you need to cry. It’s honestly okay to be a wreck for awhile.

I get the nausea that won’t allow you to eat.

I get eating whatever goes down, when it goes down, even if it’s not nutritious.

I get the sudden survival mode that kicks in for your babes as you start working hard to provide for them.

I get the mom guilt that makes you try to over-compensate for a father’s absence by filling in all the gaps– and I get the resulting exhaustion that makes you love bedtime more than any other time of day.

I get how painful it is when you run to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving and see the girl who replaced you, also out purchasing groceries, for the man you used to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.

I get the struggle of forgiveness and the confusion of what that even looks like when you feel all the tension rise one more time in the face of such oddities.

I get the pain of holidays, where you give up the parties you used to throw—then decide to throw them anyway because you’re finally seeing that life can go on and you can still do the things you love, and your friends love you just as much as before.

I get the angst of your soul as you lift your face to the sky and ask God why. “Why, when I tried so hard to be a good wife, did it not work?”

I get the anger when you see other wives mistreating their husbands and the men still stay. How you’d like to remind them of the good they have, and how that goodness should be rewarded and respected.

I get it when it all seems so unfair.

I get it when you’re suddenly a single person, and other women look at you as a threat rather than a gift– and you’d like to walk around with a T-shirt that says, “I’d die a thousand deaths before I’d hurt any woman the way I’ve been hurt.”

I get it when it’s hard to receive help, and how slowly you learn the absolute necessity of it, how grateful you become for the brothers in law and family who help you unendingly when you need it—-and don’t stop when you tell them you don’t need it because they know better than you do.

But here’s the thing:

I also get it when you start smiling again because Jesus comes closer than any human being could ever come.

I get it when your hard work pays off and you’re able to support yourself and your children without child support.

I get the satisfied tiredness that comes at the end of a work week when you do payroll, and still have enough for your bills even when rent is high and groceries are out of this world.

I get the deep appreciation for your friends who get the fact that you don’t have time to spare even when you’d love to have them over—because just getting to sit on your couch with coffee feels like vacation.

I get the gratefulness mingled with frustration when you spend too much money on Dr. visits, trying to get well again after burning out from years of emotional trauma.

I get the joy of hiking hours into the wilds so you can be in touch with something bigger than yourself.

I get the deep friendships that form when others join your steep adventures and everyone talks non-stop about all of life while the legs burn upward before eyes rest on majestic views that defy every pain you’ve ever felt.

I get the gratefulness of those moments when pain melts into oblivion, even just for a few minutes as something better takes over your mind.

I get the deep appreciation for those friends who send their husbands over to fix your broken sinks and change the tire on your son’s bike. Woman to woman, it’s their way of saying, “I got your back” and they’ll never know how much it means to us.

I get the joy over small things, because joy is a gift and you feel it coming, coming, coming as it used to be—though now, it is richer, fuller, and better because it is not dependent on another human being.

I get it that you’re grateful for your sorrow because it led you to your joy.

I get it that you felt broken much longer than you wanted, yet realized that your heart broken open absorbed light more than before.

I get the peace that comes from no dependence on relationship for your happiness, and the profound realization that you’re going to be more than okay, not because of a human being but because “The Son of Man has risen with healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and He met you in your tears so He could wipe them away.

I get the wonder that He never left, never became impatient, and always looked at you with love.

I get the realization that you’re His favorite—but so is everyone else around you, and they should all be treated as such, created in the image of God for the glory of God. The realization of your own value collides beautifully with the realization of everyone’s value, and you want the whole world to circle with love, endlessly.

And I truly get it that now, though you love everyone, you no longer trust everyone. You’ve learned to know when you know when someone’s character is solid and they’ve earned trust without trying—because they didn’t need to prove what already was.

You are now the girl reading with new insight this verse: “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

You live carefully, but courageously. Fear may threaten you, but love will overtake you.

Dear single mom, I get it that the Love of Jesus is now your anchor beyond what you ever knew before, and how, no matter what the future holds, you are set on HIM because you’ve found His love better than any other kind of love.