People – Women of Purpose

Seven Steps to Real Friendship

I thought perhaps I’d feel lonely in a city by myself, but the opposite was true as I faced a window and unashamedly inhaled a large burger while watching hundreds of people pass by.

Asheville is a city of the arts and it shows on the people walking downtown on a Friday night. “Love” is all you need seems to be written on faces as they puff out clouds of nicotine and show their purple hair.

Others are tourist-like families, here to enjoy mountains for a short while before heading back to stuffy offices and brick church buildings. Still others are local people, enjoying their flavorful city while hosting those of us who wish to live here, but cannot.

The back door to my air bnb is wide open and I’m sharing a small, earthy looking bathroom with dear knows who. A cock roach creeps down stucco-like walls and disappears behind a cotton curtain hung to hide the plumbing. I open the door while I brush my teeth so I can escape quickly should it scramble at me from beneath the curtain.

But back to people watching!

Everyone was out to connect. Dinner together, walking together, listening to live music together—the whole town was buzzing and I realized all over again how much humans need connection.

We are body and spirit, with the greater part of us being spirit. We get lonely because we focus on bodily needs while we neglect the greater needs of soul and spirit.

Did you know loneliness is one of the worst things for our health? We were born to be connected, soul to soul, spirit to spirit. And most importantly, creation was made to connect to the Creator.

Yet, people look at bodily image to decide whether or not to connect their soul to another. Popular, pretty girls want to be friends with other popular pretty girls, forgetting that no one can decide what features they possess, yet everyone can decide what heart they carry. When girls choose their friends on appearance and popularity, they often by-pass the most golden people who could show them the real meaning of love and friendship.

It’s time for humanity to remember the importance of the soul. Look deep within and choose your people based on the kind of people they are in their soul.

Let’s look at a few ways we can connect with others. How do we make friends?

1. Ask about other people’s lives.

We all know the Sallys and Janes who talk non-stop about themselves until you want to groan and plug your ear with a corn cob. Or peanuts. Or anything to stop the incessant self-focused chatter.

When you’re with other people, purposefully ponder what questions are fitting to ask about their lives and interests. Rare is the person who delights in others so well that he asks question after question to get another person to open up and enjoy a conversation.

When others talk about something, rather than switch the conversation back on yourself with your own story, ask another question about what they just said. You’ll be surprised at the difference in feedback and engagement as others feel heard and wanted.

2. Learn to know who your people are.

Not everyone is cut out to be your friend. You are not everyone’s cup of tea. This is okay, because you’ll be another person’s favorite drink. And when you find that instant connection kind of friend, hang onto it and develop it purposefully. Learn what your friend loves—and do the thing.

One of mine sent me a coffee mug with a goat on it because she found out I love goats. It warms my heart every time I fill it with coffee. Periodically she sends me goat videos. It’s odd how something so small makes me feel connected to her and loved by her.

If you’re not connecting with someone, relax and accept it. Don’t force friendships. Go with the flow and love everyone with a laid back ease void of stress. Just love people and smile at them.

3. “A (woman) who has friends must show herself friendly.”

Somewhere along the way, extroverts have been made out to be “more spiritual” than introverts. Nothing could be further from the truth. Showing yourself friendly doesn’t have to mean you love crowds and can’t wait to host families for lunch after church. Being friendly could mean you hate crowds and prefer one to one conversation because there, you can connect deeply. It might mean you don’t enjoy hosting but you do it anyway, sometimes, because there’s a need for old fashioned hospitality. You may not be bubbly but you will definitely be loving. You may not barbeque and serve exotic drinks but you’ll invite others onto your couch and gather them around your table in your own way of loving them.

And if you can’t have people over, you can take a meal to someone. A warm casserole speaks a thousand words!

4. Celebrate others.

Women who celebrate other women are real queens. We know them when we find them. They are secure in Christ, busy doing what they’re called to do, and satisfied with the love of Jesus. There is no need to compare or want another’s life when we’re in the life we know we’re called to live.

Only when you truly celebrate another woman’s joys do you have the right to enter her sorrow.

Let’s sit on that for a minute.

A woman who is uncomfortable with your success can easily come rushing to “comfort” you when grief strikes. She is more comfortable with your loss than your gain. Please sisters, let’s be bigger than that. Be a woman who provides community and belonging to all because everyone senses your deep desire to see them thrive.

Celebrating others is FUN!

4. Don’t be offended if some people are too busy to strike up the friendship you’d love to share with them.

I was a preacher’s daughter and my whole life geared to hosting, reaching out, and making sure others felt loved by our family. We were so busy loving on others that we sometimes neglected each other. So I never expect to be close friends with pastors or leaders even though I’m drawn to them. The conversation is different when you hang out with motivated leaders—but the pull you feel toward them may be your invitation to join them in what they do rather than add more ministry to what they do. The former will give life to both of you while the latter could drain them and disappoint you.

Rather than demand friendship or feel left out if you’re not invited over, realize that a family cannot possibly have everyone in the church over. Look for other ways to find your people. Join a small group, volunteer for worship or women’s ministry or Sunday School—involve yourself in your own gifts rather than wait to be invited or included. We are all responsible to cultivate and utilize our gifts!

5. Don’t expect to make your friends on a Sunday morning.

Church is not the only place for deep friendships to happen. Good friends need space outside of church to hang out and do life together. (My best friends are those I see outside of church.)

Be the kind of person another feels safe with, watch for the people who will naturally connect with you, and invite those who need friends whether or not you connect well with them. As much as possible, host people in your home and around your table. Let them see you real and raw, in your own space. Find more joy in reaching out to lonely people than you do in being included by others.

Christians are in their best element when they are connecting with Christ and the world around them. This might even look like heading downtown to the most poverty stricken areas with a team of people, just to love and be there for others. The world is so full of people wanting connection that there is less reason than ever for anyone to live in loneliness.

6. Be Yourself.

Be comfortable in your own skin. Be the same person with your model friend as you are with your back-woodsy, goat loving farm friend. Remember that every human soul longs for connection. Your model friend isn’t looking for class as much as she’s looking for connection. Be warm to all and you’ll find warmth from a vast variety of people, non of whom need you to change who you are.

7. Always Improve Yourself.

Be inspiring to hang out with. There’s something invigorating about being with others who are passionate about their callings, love their hobbies, and are content with what they have. Improving ourselves doesn’t have to mean possessing material things; growth is a heart posture where we see what is lacking and work toward becoming better people, where we take a good look at our gifts and callings, then purpose to function in those to the best of our ability.

Be light and life—and in your own way, just LOVE PEOPLE.

Why Spouses Should be Treated Better than Strangers

It’s weird how we can sit in cafes or walk streets, expecting everyone to be kind, even though most are complete strangers to each other.

We all just kinda know how humans are supposed to treat each other.

Most of us wouldn’t be too impressed with someone yelling at a customer or someone receiving a favor without saying thank you or showing appreciation of some sort.

We’d probably wrinkle up our noses and be happy we can walk on. Some people are just yuck and make us glad we don’t have to be around them.

And if someone continuously criticized a friend, that friend would probably either confront the problem, or quit hanging out as much.

Negative actions usually cause negative responses.

But, this simple principal seems to be forgotten by many spouses. So I’m writing from my heart here, and just asking this:

1. Do you ignore your spouse—yet get hurt when you’re not pursued?

2. Do you avoid conflict—yet remain bothered that your spouse doesn’t know how you really feel about something?

3. Do you continually give negative or correctional responses when your spouse shares an idea or simply vents his/her feelings—yet get hurt when they close off and don’t want to talk?

4. Do you avoid helping out—yet carry a grudge when your spouse doesn’t help as much as you want him/ her to help out?

5. Do you ignore them when they speak—yet feel hurt when they don’t look at you when they speak, but choose to focus on another person in the room?

6. Do you make your dislike of them known—yet become hurt when they don’t pursue you in the bedroom?

7. Do you treat them as little more than a room mate—yet complain when they don’t date you well on special events?

I’d like to call attention to the fact that people often treat strangers better than their own spouses. Strangers who may be a million times worse than your spouse, strangers with whom you have no connection—hear this carefully—are getting better treatment from some of you than your spouses are getting.

That very stranger would keep distance if you treated him/her as you treat your spouse. Withdrawing to avoid more pain is a natural response of the human heart.

There’s a story of a man who greatly disliked his wife and went to get counsel. His therapist told him that he could divorce her after three months IF he tried the following recommendation first.

He was to go home and treat her as if he genuinely LIKED her.

We can picture what this meant. Smiles, kind words, acts of service, hanging out, and all the things we do with our best friends.

His therapist waited in vain for the man call, then finally called him. He was ecstatic. “I treated her as if I liked her, and everything changed”

You better believe there was no divorce for that couple! Simple, basic human kindness and dignity re-ignited their love when it would have otherwise been snuffed right out and the courts would have seen one more broken couple filing divorce papers while their children’s eyes take on a whole other look than the care-free, joyful ones they previously had.

So I’m here to say to every unhappy spouse who is married to a faithful, albeit imperfect, person: Just take a big, bold dare to love them, and show it. This can be the bravest thing you do. And sometimes, this dare to actively show love does more than many hours in a counselor’s office.

(To those who’ve tried this and nothing changed, please know that loving is something we do because we’re connected to God more than because we’re connected to our spouse. Sometimes, loving well doesn’t change a drastic need in a spouse. In those cases, we simply do what God asks us to do, then leave the rest. We are not responsible to change another; we are responsible to love well, then trust God with the results.)

Remember this–we love because God loved us first. Loving well is something every person does who sees the value God places on each human being.

Loving well is not optional when we see the great love God gives us personally. Loving well is part of our own dignity, character, and value. In Christ, it is who we are. Someone else’s character cannot rob us of God’s character and grace within us.

Treat your spouse as well or better than you treat your best friends, and watch what happens! If you know what it takes to stay a friend to someone, please know it takes the same kind of thing to create a happy marriage where both of you find the companionship you crave.

For the cause of LOVE,

Sara

Eight Ways to Help Grieving People

It was seven years ago, but doesn’t seem so long ago that I got the call from my sister asking if I had heard about our brother.

I knew instinctively that he had died, and it was my first experience with numbing grief. I’d never before gone basically immobile where all I could do was cry. And in the days that followed, my usually active self could barely move to serve those around me who were also grieving.

I learned a lot in those days.

We flew to Honduras to try to find his body in the beautiful lake he had disappeared into, and on the third day, as professional divers, friends, and family called it quits one more time, his body suddenly floated up to the surface right beside the boat.

The sight of my brother’s body on news headlines, being drug out of the water, was almost too much for me. We buried him on a dark mountainside in Honduras, our questions unanswered. All we knew was that he was a good swimmer, yet went under quickly.

No struggle, no resurfacing. And because we were in another country, the autopsy we desperately wanted didn’t happen.

Our questions remain unanswered. Now, when others are wrecked with grief we try to remember all we learned in those days, try to reach out to others in ways that will help them rather than hurt them even more.

Lake of my brother’s moments into heaven.

A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends lost her husband. The grief was great, even for me, and I felt I needed to be there. But I remembered—did she need me now, or later? Sure enough, she told me she had lots of people at the moment and would need me in a few weeks more than now. Loving my friend best meant waiting rather than rushing into crisis.

When my cousin Susanna Kauffman died a few weeks ago, I wanted others NOT to do or say some things that had happened to us. I wanted to spare the family from questions asked at the wrong times, from news links broad casted across social media before they could even process what was happening, and from well meaning people hurting rather than helping them.

None of us always know what to do or say to someone in crisis. Do we speak or stay silent? Do we go or stay?

But as I walked personal grief and watched family members process in their own ways, I learned some things on what to do or not do. And I’d love to develop a community of well-taught believers who walk grief with others in a healing way.

1. Be okay with unanswered questions.

A funeral, memorial service, or even the days prior and after are not the days to ask a crisis family all the questions on your mind. Don’t ask numerous questions of how they died, why they died, exactly what happened, etc. Reality is not always sinking in for the family and there is plenty of time for questions to be answered in the future.

2. Be okay with just showing up.

I just walked into a room to see one of my best friends weeping, bill in her hand for $38,000 (Her husband had just lost his job along with the accompanying insurance, and his life flight alone was this much). She was playing worship music as she wept, telling me that it’s all paid for. Not by the Go Fund Me page where almost that exact amount was given, but by another source. I wrapped her up and wept with her.

Showing up can be in person or with your pocket book. Many people show up with words, yet those in crisis often need tangible presence or help more than verbal help.

You don’t have to know what to say. Most of the time you don’t need to say anything. Just show up. Just be there. Just do the thing without much ado, and make sure they are covered.

3. Don’t overwhelm weary minds with your own crisis stories.

That is not the best way to “be relatable” at a funeral. I remember standing before a long line of well-wishers, listening to someone else tell us of their own death story. We were too exhausted to stand there, much less listen to stories of another crisis. If you come to a memorial, keep your words calm, sympathetic, and short. Presence is better than speech.

4. Don’t crowd into their home after the funeral.

The family will be exhausted. They won’t need to sit for hours, answering questions and processing for or with you at that time. DO visit them in the following weeks and months as reality settles in.

5. Notice what they need, emotionally or physically.

People in crisis often find it hard to eat and even harder to cook. Take them baskets of ready made food and leave it sitting on the counter with flowers. You can come and go in a few minutes, leaving a note or a hug.

If you see a sink full of dishes, perhaps wash them quickly if the time seems right. Keep your eyes peeled for what might mean most to them.

People process differently. My friend needs quality time and someone to just sit on her couch and process with her. One of her daughters is the same, and joins us there. Her other daughter needs to move and talk, stay busy, and keep up with school work. Reality may hit her a few months down the road.

There is no right or wrong way to process grief. Don’t try to force your own way of healing onto someone else, but rather take note of each person’s make-up and go out of your way to accommodate their way of grieving. If someone needs to talk or do something, go with that flow and take them out for an activity. If they need to sit and cry, make sure your presence is there—really there.

6. Remember to mention the passed loved one in the coming months and years.

People often don’t mention someone who passed away because they don’t want to stir unnecessary grief. But the family is mourning whether or not their loved one is mentioned. A smile with a story of what you loved about the person will soothe their hearts a little. This opens the door for them to talk, process, and share about their loved one if they want to. They will probably pull out photos to share, and will love any detail you have of a pleasant memory.

It is very difficult to live a new reality. When others never mention a loved one, it can feel like you’re in your world alone.

7. Make sure all their physical needs are met.

If you see a need somewhere, just fill it. No need to ask a ton of questions. The less they have to think about and take care of, the better. They may not have the energy to thank you then, but you will be remembered as someone who truly helped. Stay tuned in for a long time, remember that months later can be more difficult than the immediate shock. Pray, stop by, and help financially or in any other way you notice they need help.

8. Don’t quote Bible verses to try to “get them out of grief”.

Be okay with grief. Cry with them. Never quote a verse about joy or say things like “Your loved one is better off with Jesus” or “You’ll see him again some day” or “Things will get better.”

Jesus stood weeping with Martha and Mary before he called Lazarus from the tomb. Even in His Godhead, where He stood ready to do the miraculous, He first made time for mourning. He didn’t have to, but He chose to.

Remember that many deaths are traumatic. Not only is a family grieving loss, often they are also trying not to remember how someone died. Pray healing over their minds—and as one friend put it to me a few weeks ago, pray that they would process what God wants them to process, and leave the rest to Him. There is grief, and there is excessive, destructive grief. Pray that they would grieve with Jesus so despair would not get in.

Let’s choose to love in ways people need us to love them. This is all about them, not about us. In this way, the God of HOPE will come into our atmospheres and change the way we sit with others in their grief.

Love to all,

Sara

“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2, ESV