healing – Women of Purpose

For My Single Moms

I looked at her face and thought, “Why is she in a church conference when she needs a spa?”

I knew why she was there—it wasn’t so much for thoughts on how to create a Biblical church. Craving more than isolation, she was there for community and friendship.

I asked her aside to a small room and saw relief. The doors closed and the next hours were spent laughing and crying as only two single moms can.

I’m writing for her, and I’m writing for other single moms who call me during the week. And I’m writing for the sincere and loving people who ask me, “What can we do to help crisis moms?”

My own story pales because I have a dad and brothers who are always there, making sure I’m okay. Many of the moms I speak to have neither dad, friend, or brother. And they are desperate.

I write for these moms and for those of you who have so kindly asked me how you can help. The answers are simple, but they do require a shift of expectation, and they do require sacrifice.

1. Ask questions before assuming anything.

I ask questions to the woman who tells me she’s thankful for little things, like being able to feel her back pain. Why is she thankful to feel pain?

Her ex-husband had sexually and physically hurt her for so many years that in order to cope, her bodily reactions to pain shut down and she became numb. Five years later as some wonder why she’s curled up in a ball with a blanket around her, I understand that the adrenaline it took to survive the years is just now wearing off.

None of us want to feel pain, and here she was, thankful just to feel again. Feeling is a gift we take for granted—but numbness isolates the human heart from life itself.

Feel the good.

Feel the bad.

Experience joy.

Experience sorrow.

Leaving an abusive marriage takes years of pushing forward. This means it may be 5-7 years later when the mind and body is able to grieve, because those first years are a push to survival. Like PTSD symptoms in soldiers often surfacing 7 years after battle, a single mom and her children may or may not only begin to face the truth of the past when life settles down again and there is time to think rather than survive.

Those who don’t understand this will judge and move away from a woman who “can’t seem to get over her sorrow to find joy.”

They’ll accuse her of being a victim rather than understanding that finally being able to feel her grief is the first step to her becoming a victor.

She’ll hear Bible verses on joy but won’t feel the whole message of the God of the Bible enveloping her in comfort and rest.

When we force premature healing, we encourage numbness. There are enough people in the world covering pain with humor, sarcasm, and avoidance. These are the ones who find it hard to love, connect, and establish long term, close relationships, either platonically or romantically.

My urgent message is this:

Families must be able to step out of their own experience and enter another’s crisis even years after people think it should be over by now.

Thank God a woman is able to feel again. Let her cry, and cry, and cry for as many years as it took being numb to avoid feeling physical pain inflicted onto her body. Sit with her and put your arm around her, but don’t expect her to talk or show up for every meeting. Allow her to belong with no expectations.

The mind can and will create new nuero-pathways which will help the body regulate. This is often a slow and misunderstood process, hindered even further by judgment.

When a woman feels emotionally safe, she can heal faster. None of her energy should have to be spent navigating hurtful comments. Unfortunately, because the church is often unaware of the crisis happening right under its pulpit, it is even more ill-equipped to handle it properly when abuse is brought to light.

Because of this, I write. Ladies, throw a blanket around her shoulders and pull her in close. Men, add her son to yours for all the things.

2. Consider her family, not a visitor.

My parents were great at this. I grew up in a home filled with single women or children from broken homes. Because my dad was trust-worthy, my mom never worried about other females being around. We had a familial atmosphere for us, yes, but we extended our table and opened our doors to anyone who needed the same.

Family is not an end; it is a means to an end. In other words, family is a gift from God not to hoard but to use as a ministry platform. We hear it often—marriage should do more for the kingdom, not less—then we get married and turn our houses into our own rather than into homes of service for God.

I honestly believe this is why so many Christian women seem bored, dissatisfied, and able to create problems out of nothing. The human heart is designed to feel restless until it finds its rest in God—which means we’re so busy with our Father’s business that we have no time for unnecessary drama or self-inflicted pity.

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress.” (James 1:27a)

This means we don’t say, “Sorry, I can’t have your child over because we’re going out with friends.” A mom goes to work while her child sits at home alone while two families go out to have fun for the day, somehow because adding another child would kill the vibe they’ve set their expectations on.

Perfect love often disrupts the idea of perfect family days, and makes them even better. We get to add family. These kids don’t need to feel like they can visit when it’s convenient; they need to feel like they belong.

Belonging isn’t convenient—it just is. It’s a thing, a gift, a state of existence every human being should be able to experience. A child robbed of it needs it more than ever, but it has to be created, on purpose.

Children whose father abandons them (usually after physical or emotional abuse) heal much better if another family remains. A child should be able to say, “He was always there when my own father wasn’t.”

The slogan needs to become “Adopt a single mom’s child” rather than “Let’s reach out to them when it fits our schedule.”

Scripture says, “He settles the solitary in a home.” (Psalm 68:6, ESVa)

3. Get rid of your own fear.

Two moms told me that holding babies was comforting to them. One was told that she’s using babies as a drug and to top it off, both were judged for perhaps being a pedophile.

One of the moms was already rejected, alone, and had suffered more than most of the rest of America put together. Of course she needed to hold babies. I don’t have words to express my righteous anger on this–but may I only hear this twice from single moms, and never again.

Christian wives need to repent of hurting moms in crisis with their own fearful outlook on life.

4. Single moms are not a threat.

Most single moms will take a bullet before they take your husband.

Yes, they’re single, and yes, there should be appropriate boundaries.

This could look like group texts, an appropriate amount of people in the room, etc. A single mom never needs to be alone with your husband or even text him solo. It is easy and appropriate to set up group texts rather than texts between her and your husband.

But I have never seen more fear and judgment toward single moms than from conservative Christian wives. Ladies, I speak to you frankly. If you can’t trust your husband, that is yours and his problem, not the single mom’s.

If you’re threatened by her beauty, take it to God and allow your own beauty to shine.

If you’re threatened by the fact she takes care of her body, listen to your own inner longing and start taking care of yours.

If she’s vulnerable and feminine, and you know in your heart of hearts that Godly men rise to help women like this, allow that knowledge to create in you a desire to be feminine and vulnerable with your own husband.

Again, if she has something you do not, it is not her problem—but an invitation from God to observe something you admire and create the same in yourself.

Single women are often from marriages where husbands demanded and expected her to take care of her body. After he’s gone, she will want to do so out of love for God and herself rather than out of fear of being discarded.

I would love to not hear this over the phone, “I shouldn’t have to be ugly in order to not be a threat.”

Or, “I can’t wait to be a grandma so that women don’t feel threatened.”

Christian wives, this is your invitation to create in yourself what you fear in her.

Leaves are falling on my laptop as I write these words, and they are beautiful. Brown and fallen, but lovely in their season.

And as the church becomes aware of ways to help rather than hurt women and children in crisis, it can add beauty to the dark season of their lives.

Hope is never out of reach within communal love.

5. Make sure she’s okay financially.

I grew up watching my dad dig deep into his pockets for vulnerable women and children. One year he bought a mobile home and hauled it to our yard for two women who showed up for coffee and had no place to go. Until the home was ready, he and mom gave up their bedroom and moved upstairs. Even when the home was set up, either of them walked across the yard in the mornings to join our family table for breakfast.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was always good. And because it was good, it was blessed by God. And because it was blessed by God, the family was more okay than if we’d have saved our happy walls for ourselves.

Another friend I know has had 15 foster children in and out of his home. Active love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but it should be overtly obvious that sacrifice is made for the orphan and widow.

It hurts to hear a single mom tell me she worked six 12-hour days a week to become financially stable. This, during the worst crisis I’ve heard from my moms. This, and it shouldn’t be this way.

Pure religion isn’t going to church, dressed well. Pure religion is to relieve the distress on widows and orphans.

I didn’t realize the beauty of my parent’s life-style until I became a single mom in crisis. Dad and mom never experienced crisis of my own nature, but they were tapped into the heart of God long before they had a daughter in crisis. They did for another’s daughter long before they did for their own.

Because in the body of Christ, no one should ever feel alone. The family of God reaches far and wide, and it knows no boundaries when it comes to love.

In the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who work together in perfect harmony, gift your moms in crisis the same love.

Thanks for asking, sincerely. And thanks for allowing me to pen these honest answers.

For the Cause of Hope,

Sara D.

Grace, Graffiti, and Gossip

“The South is known for saying ‘bless your heart’ to peoples’ faces, then talking about them behind their back,” our pastor said recently.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard that and I knew it was true. The south has it’s own faults just like the north, albeit different.

In the Pacific Northwest where I’m from, you’ll see lots of addicts, drugs, and alcohol. You may even see barbed wire strung over bridges to prevent more suicide, and you may or may not be allowed to use a rest room in a cafe where you just purchased coffee because too many teens use drugs in the teeny room out of sight.

“Do I look like I use drugs?” I asked the barista once, gently. “Can I please use your bathroom?”

She looked at me and nodded her head, and I had a bathroom.

Of course there’s graffiti everywhere, too. Like the gum wall in Seattle that isn’t only splashed in color, but covered in chewed gum. (Don’t ask me why this reminds me of my childhood when I used to find pieces of gum in the driveway and started chewing on it myself.)

The north has its vices, out there in the Ho Rainforest where water drips off magnificent trees and waterfalls tumble over rocks, where mountains rise in the distance with such splendor that one can only stare and wish to score the next highest peak, where flowers bloom alongside patches of snow, somehow all of it stepping toward the sea.

There’s nothing more glorious than a campfire with some of your best friends on top such a mountain—and I’ll sleep up there any day no matter how hard the ground is.

It’s in the towns below where the trouble is obvious. I don’t want to see barbed wire strung high over a bridge to prevent one more teen a voluntary death, desperate to escape mental despair.

It’s odd though, that here in the South, where wealth is obvious and churches stand on every street corner, where business trucks roll along with “Heaven and Earth Landscape” or “Alpha and Omega Construction”–it’s here that we’re known for gossip and gluttony.

The Bible Belt. We can preach the word of God without having the heart of God.

I’ve been troubled by my own words at times. Like a knowing in my soul that I sometimes said things about others that didn’t need to be said. I didn’t like it—and I struggled to make sense of it. What was God saying to me?

Here’s what God was trying to teach me.

1. Anything not said in love for the well-being of another, doesn’t need to be said.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.” 1 Corinthians 13: 1

I was once aware of another’s sin repeated without cause to someone. I felt terrible for the person it was said about (I don’t even know the person) and realized again that the ruckus of gossip can ruin lives. This dear person could repent to God and others who wouldn’t repeat it, but if someone merely discussed it, it could have long lasting affects. My heart ached that God’s people would allow for redemption by not passing along information needlessly, even if it was true.

2. Be a safe person.

Once I shared something with a friend and later wondered if it was kept in confidence. I picked up the phone and asked her. She had kept my heart and life in confidence and it meant so much to me. I want to do the same for others.

3. Realize that gossip comes from insecurity.

What wounds are we trying to heal by wounding another? Why can we feel good about ourselves by making someone else look bad?

What are we feeling so terrible about in our own lives that we feel the need to tear another person down, just so we can feel lifted up?

“How can you believe, who receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” John 5:44

4. When we stop worrying about what others think, there’s a light joy over us that has no desire or need to talk badly about someone else, even if it’s true.

I became so enamoured with grace that I wanted to give it to others. I wanted to hug the person I used to be bitter toward—and the person I went to in person about the way she’d hurt others, well, I wanted her wrapped up in love, too.

Redeeming love toward all people became my theme. Bitterness fell off me and I could no longer hold grudges—even if someone had wronged me. I knew I had also wronged others and I needed a whole lot of grace, too.

Like a summer night lit up by an evening sky, the light of God’s love became so real that I longed for everyone not to worry what people thought, but to know deeply the thoughts of God toward them.

5. Go to people alone when you need to.

Do it before you talk to others, before you dump to your girlfriend, before you share it in a text.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:15

Here, we see the way God loves people. He doesn’t want His people discussed in a bad light because His heart toward them is good and growth—and He died to extend that kind of amazing grace to fallen mankind who would all need it at some point of their lives.

He wants you to go alone, so the person can repent with privacy and integrity.

If the person refuses to change his ways, He wants you to take others with you for added accountability.

See this—he’s not throwing the person with the problem under the bus. He gives him a private chance first.

Then, He’s not leaving you helpless and hurt. He asks you to take others with you if you need help after not being heard.

Redemption in the best way possible is God’s heart for all people—and it should be our hearts, too.

Lesser methods are a symptom of less than love in our hearts.

We may be afraid to confront someone—God asks us to trust Him in all things He asks us to do. “Perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18b, ESV

We may be afraid of someone not liking us if we gently confront them about something. In order to keep ourselves safe, we head to a friend to vent rather than to the person herself.

I have to think Jesus weeps over pride like this—and here’s the thing, He absolutely knows how to humble us.

“But He gives more grace. Therefor it says, God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6, Esv

At the end, the only disclaimer I can give is if someone isn’t safe. Then, you need to head for help immediately. There are absolutely times when emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse call for immediate intervention without first going alone.

God loves you. He keeps you safe in His care by giving you safe people.

God loves others also. He aims to redeem them with the Grace He died for. Can you help others run to Jesus rather than run from people who call themselves Jesus Followers?

Humble and loving, Jesus was most relaxed with sinners who saw their need and longed to touch the hem of His robe for healing and forgiveness. He tensed up with religious people who did whatever it took to feel righteous about themselves rather than enter the righteousness of Christ where everyone kneels on horizontal ground in utter need of absolute grace.

Living in the goodness of God, as Jenn Johnson so beautifully sings, means we don’t live in our own goodness or in another’s goodness. We expect to find faults everywhere we go, and we expect to give grace as we want to receive it.

Then, we confess our faults to trustworthy people, because owning where we’ve gone wrong helps us get closer to what’s right. Rather, the only One Who’s always right.

And we get this deeply, this undeniable truth that walking toward a church building won’t make us a real Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes us a car.

It’s mercy and truth that meet together in one redemptive wrap around, like a circle of redeeming love. There, we can truly say “I’m a Jesus Follower and we love each other.”

Stand with me here, walk with me here, kneel with me here, for His glory and for the sake of those He loves—which is EVERYONE.

“Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be til I die.”

By Grace alone,

Sara D.

How Grace Changes Us

I always feel badly for people who fast, and I’m like, “Don’t tell me you’re fasting because I’ll feel sorry for you all day long—or days long.”

And because life often takes more energy than I have, the last several years I’ve focused on keeping my physical energy by feeding my body. The amount of meals I eat just to keep energy has me telling sister that I wish we’d be neighbors so she could feed me (best cook ever!) and I could return the favor by cleaning her house.

So it took extra courage to start the year with a ten day fruit and vegetable fast. I struggled. I spent hours more on the couch. I watched “Alone”, which is a documentary on men surviving in my beloved Pacific Northwest with no food sources except what’s around them in the sea and forest.

I knew I wasn’t as hungry as they were, but it felt like it. Day after day, I’d do my work then crash on the couch as my body adjusted and my spirit became more and more clear.

I woke praying one day, asking God what He wanted to speak to me. What did I need to rid my life from?

He nailed it. In difficult conversations, I didn’t actively listen enough. Thus began a deeper journey into how to love people better.

I thought I was a good friend, a good listener—but I also knew that in stressful situations my heart would squeeze tight with stress and I tried to remedy that with words that I hoped would help and eliminate the stress of the conversation.

In doing so, I’d transfer something onto another person that didn’t feel like love or care—even when that’s exactly what I wanted to be or show.

Here’s the thing about real grace—it’s free, yet was bought with a price. And something that expensive, given to us freely, is made to change, renew, restore a person into something better.

The oxymoron of accepting an expensive gift while putting it on the shelf for a later date (heaven) should strike us hard. The gift of grace is meant to draw us to our knees in repentance, allowing the light of it to shine onto places that are yet dark in our lives.

I repented of not listening better, the other day. I apologized to a friend who was on my heart. And I walked toward people rather than away from them.

I’m not good with conflict, but God is good, and He came to change atmospheres. Active listening is the best way to show someone you love them, yet most of us are good at actively speaking our own thoughts rather than actively hearing another’s heart.

It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong–because sometimes being understood is far less vital than making sure another feels heard. First, just listen with your presence.

The awesome thing about Grace is this—when heaven sheds its light onto something you’ve failed in, it also sheds its awareness of how you could grow.

Every time the Spirit of Christ nails something in me, I’m aware of deep, deep Love reaching out to heal, restore, change, and bring me to better things.

I feel safe with God even when I know I’m not representing Him well, and He has to create grief in my soul over it. “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, ESV)

See this—there’s no grief in Godly sorrow because it leads us to things that will save us, and bring salvation to others.

Our post modern, humanistic culture teaches us that we are enough, and that we should love ourselves the way we are. Friends, I’m here to tell you something different. We are not enough, and sometimes we’re actually quite messed up.

And if you expect your people to be enough, you’ll be disappointed because they will fail you, hurt you, and be less than you need.

But when we understand grace we can’t carry the weight of humanity’s mess any longer. The cross still stands, and it still eradicates sin, and when you can care deeply about a person and be unable to carry offense, you know that Grace has indeed won in your soul.

Fasting made God’s voice clearer. Things I knew before, I now really knew.

I had to give myself the same grace I wanted to give others. Rather than say, “Man, Sara, that was really dumb”, I needed to say, “Lord, I failed. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me. Thank you for showing me a better way.”

I realized, as I accepted Grace, that I was unable to carry the weight of it. Christ set me free.

The goal is to be spiritually, socially, emotionally, and relationally mature. We work hard at it—and yet, we have those areas God shows us are not aligned to love. Here, we get to bow before the cross and allow Grace to seep into our bones and marrow, changing who we are and what we are.

We extend the same grace to others. Most people don’t want to be mean or ill spoken. Most are just humans making mistakes, often born out of their own pain. And when a person is truly cruel, God will deal with him in his own time and way.

In the end, the universe needs Grace—this unmerited favor thing, this free yet costly thing—this counter cultural, life changing, heaven embracing thing that will change us if we truly receive it.

To celebrate Grace, here’s a book—because all of life takes reminders of how to bring Grace into the rough places and allow it to change atmospheres.

The blackened salmon salad today is great—but Grace is even better. Cheers to 2025, being renewed, restored, and living Grace.

Much love,

Sara

Things God Never Said

It’s Sunday morning in the Bible Belt of America.

Charlotte, NC, where I live, has more churches per capita than anywhere in the world besides Rome, Italy. Here, religion muddies with relationship and it’s easier than ever to forget what pure religion is.

Death and divorce are both rawest grief. Death, because a person is gone forever. Divorce, because a person has betrayed you and gone though he/she is still alive. Both men and women experiencing this need to be handled with knowledge and care by the church.

Without more words, I’d like to give real life examples of things that are often said among Christians (especially to single moms) that God never said. Then, I’d love to replace them with words from Jesus to help us bring His life to others.

1. God never said:

“We are community, and we open up to each other, so we need you to be more open.”

Single women are on the lookout for someone they can trust. They cannot share the deepest places of their hearts before they feel safe to do so, and especially if what is shared will be passed along to the group they’re part of.

God did invite us to be intimately close to Himself where we talk to Him, then find Christians we trust to help us. He did ask us to confess our faults to each other and pray for each other. But He’s not there forcing it with people you barely know, and haven’t yet learned are trustworthy.

Single moms have been through a lot. They deserve privacy until they have been shown safety. Remember that they may not open up as soon as you’d like them to, but they are most likely opening up to others they already know and trust.

When we break a leg, we find a doctor skilled in bone setting. In the same way, when a heart is broken, it has to be treated carefully by those who’ve done the work to learn how to heal.

Trust is earned with time, support, patience, and a knowledge of what not to say.

2. God never said,

“Show up to more things the church has going on.”

Single moms can often barely find the energy to cook dinner for their kids after a day of work. Please don’t say things that make her feel less than a part because she’s not showing up to more events. Rather, support her to ease her exhaustion. Bring her dinner without asking–just take it to her. Watch her children and send her to get a pedicure or take a walk.

Often, we need to do the things rather than say the things. My single moms will protest a hot minute when I want to gift them something–they need us to insist, and just transfer money into that cash tag. Then, they see we truly want to.

Rather than make her feel she should be showing up to more or serving the church more, the ironic twist here is that God asks the body of Christ to show up for her more and serve her more. Only is this way will she be supported as she needs to be.

God did say:

“For where two or three are gathered in My name, there am I among them.” (Matthew 18:20, ESV)

“Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

(Hebrews 10:25, ESV)

Zechariah 7:9-10

“This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.’”

I picture Him protecting her from too much rather than making her feel like she should be doing more.

3. God never said:

“If God led you here, and God led our church to have a meeting, wouldn’t God give supernatural grace to attend this meeting where we discuss a difficult topic?”

The person not wanting to attend a difficult meeting had expressed a need to rest after years of crisis, especially since a similar meeting had already been held elsewhere. It simply wasn’t where she needed to be.

Her need for rest was spiritualized rather than embraced. The message became, “If it’s good for the church, it’s good for you. And if you’re too exhausted to be there, you’re not spiritual enough.”

God does say:

“And He said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place, and rest awhile.’ For many were coming and going and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away into a boat into a desolate place by themselves.” Mark 6:31

If God led his disciples away to rest, even from people who needed them desperately, how much more can He lead a weary mind to take a break from difficult doctrinal discussions, and just rest in His love?

The church needs to understand that the human brain is a physical organ that needs rest after years of trauma, just like the human body needs rest after a day of labor. Many times, single moms go from marriage crisis to every other area of her life in crisis as well. She has to fight for the rest her brain and body need, and use her energy wisely. It may be years of survival before she can allow her body the rest it needs. During this time, nothing extra should be expected of her.

3. God never tells singles in the church:

“You should only want a spouse, not need one.”

God does say:

“The disciples said to Him, ‘If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.’

‘ But He said to them, ‘Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.’” (Matthew 19:10-12, ESV)

Here we see that the basic human design was created to need a spouse, whereas the unique cases didn’t have need for one, or even purposefully removed their need for one.

If singles in the church hear married people talk of needing this or that from their spouses, how confusing is it if they are dubbed “unspiritual” or “discontent” for even expressing their need for a spouse?

The church needs to freely acknowledge a single person’s need, then support them with extra love and grace if that need remains unmet. Acknowledging a God given need for something is very different than stepping outside of God’s will to meet that need.

In fact, pretending you don’t need something God created you to need is not honoring God. Honoring God is choosing to be faithful when the need is yet unmet. The church needs to understand the difference and choose their words carefully.

Pseudo spiritual attitudes hurt people deeply. Learn to be comfortable with the God-given, human experience and bring Jesus into that experience rather than making people feel unholy for even expressing the need at all.

4. God never said:

“That sounds bitter” to someone expressing a need to pull away from a sex offender who has chosen to repent.

God does say:

(There is a….) “time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes 3:5, ESV)

Forgiveness does mean agape love, which is to desire the highest good of all. It does not, however, mean that you have to be in the company of all. True love will never condemn another for emotional healing needs, but will help another get to a safe place for that healing.

I repeat, the question should not even need to be asked, “Does a victim need to be in the presence of his or her former rapist if he’s repentant?” A true understanding of the heart of God does not legalize definitions of words to the emotional harm of another.

A zeal for love often looks very different in the church than a true knowledge of how to apply that love to hurting people. It should not be so. No one should have to pull away from the church to heal.

4. God never said:

“Why can one person do this ministry with such grace but the other person cannot?”

One person asked a mom (at a table full of people) why someone could operate in a specific ministry when she was unable to. She went to lengths to explain the differences of their lives and in some ways, their callings. She shared things she didn’t feel safe sharing—especially when her life didn’t come close to comparing with the person she was being compared to. In the end, she felt degraded and raw rather than protected and cared for.

God never asked anyone to have grace for every ministry or to compare with others.

God did say:

“Not that we dare classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending ourselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” (2 Corinthians 10:12. ESV)

I can go through things with grace that another person can’t fathom grace for. Similarly, another person can handle with grace what I have no strength for.

What God calls each person into, He gives each person the gift and grace to walk through. Comparison statements hurt people; the question needs to become, “Are we walking in grace for what we’re specifically called into?”

Church of Jesus Christ, we are a beautiful expression of love to those around us which means we’re called to look at things we do and say that are hurting those around us rather than healing them.

Before we make blithe comments to another, let’s ask ourselves:

“Does God REALLY SAY THAT?”

For the cause of love,

Sara D.

The Miracle Car

There are two things in life that make me feel like I can handle what comes my way—a working car and a cell phone.

So, when an elderly couple crashed into my car on a busy highway a few weeks ago, I sat on the side of the road waiting for police, thankful no one was hurt, yet wondering why this happened and what I was going to do.

On my way to pick up a rental car, I shed some tears thinking about events connected to my white car. I’ve driven it to the ground for the past almost six years, always remembering the miracle this car has been.

That day my ex-husband had gotten a red jacked-up truck and I knew, somehow, that it was to impress other girls, not me.

That day he packed his bags.

Those days I lived ten minutes from him and his 16 year old girlfriend, and would see them on the road together in the big truck as I passed them in the mini van that had so many problems the kids were shivering in the cold and transmission fluid leaked constantly onto the ground.

But also, the day I waited at a church for therapy (trust me, I needed lots and lots) and ran into someone who had hoped to meet someday. They ended up being like parents and took me for a day of car shopping. I’ll always remember driving home in my beautiful, warm, white car, paid for in full from my air bnb venture.

I no longer felt degraded as I’d pull up to his place to pick up the kids. The white car was a reminder that God was loving me, watching out for me, and present in my life—helping me pull things off when I’d ever only been a stay at home mom with little experience in the business world.

When we moved to the east coast, my brothers loaded that white car into a trailer and drove it across the country for me. The change from Pacific northwest culture to southern living was drastic but I had this constant reminder that God was with me everywhere I went.

But after some years, paint was peeling on the hood, the seat wouldn’t come forward to prop up my back, and the miles were adding up. Still, I refused to sell it or fix it and I kept driving this steady friend of a car until that sudden crash into the right side of the car warranted insurance to count it a total loss.

I fought their diagnosis but got nowhere, and pulled up to the rental car hoping my eyes didn’t show tears—but who cares if they did? The gentleman helping me was very kind and in the end as he handed me keys to a dazzling 2022 Toyota, he asked if I was an author. I told him he must be thinking of Lauren Daigle, the music artist.

“No,” he said, “My wife read your book and it changed our lives. When I saw your name come in today I looked you up to see if it was the same person.”

Women of Purpose: A Daily Devotional for Discovering a Meaningful Life in Christ https://a.co/d/cJIX0af

I stood there, hot, dirty, stressed, and all the way across the country from where the book had been written. And you can’t keep sunglasses over crying eyes in an office no matter how much you want to.

“Keep doing good,” he told me over and over. And I spoke it out gently, “Say hi to your wife for me.” We smiled in that raw moment of humanity, each aware that God was up to something.

I drove away knowing that the same God who helped me purchase my white car six years ago was still with me, still knew me in the fiber of my being, and still moved on my behalf.

The book that blessed his wife was birthed out of pain that was causing suicidal thoughts, many years prior. But once I started writing, I couldn’t stop—and in a smothered world, I found an opening for my voice. I remember my fingers flying across the keyboard of my $25 yard sale laptop as if the Holy Spirit Himself was making them move.

Words would form in my head as the kids played around me and I’d grab that laptop, type fast for thirty minutes, put it aside, and make dinner. It was only later that the same God who wrote through me made sure it turned into a book.

This morning a tow truck pulled into my driveway, loaded up my miracle car, and drove away while I walked into the house with tears in a peaceful sort of way.

Tears aren’t always sad. Sometimes they’re loaded with remembering things you’ve stuffed back for years. Sometimes they remind you to say good-bye to memories. Sometimes they let you know it’s okay to feel again, even after six years—because get this—there is no timeline for grief.

Yet, there is no space in time for bitterness or unforgiveness. If you refuse bitterness, God will help you by His Holy Spirit to sort out the grief over a span of time that looks differently for everyone. After awhile, you’ll notice that your tears are not always sorrow, but a soft realization of the tender mercies of God over your life.

He knows you intimately. He arranges things. And I rather think he allowed an elderly gentleman to crash into my car to help me say goodbye to it while I could still get some financial benefit from it.

Otherwise, I’d have called it my widow’s oil and driven it til it dropped. God knew I needed a car without things to repair, He knew I needed encouragement from the agent, and He knew I needed to get rid of my car and drive a better one.

He also knew my sister and brother in law needed to sell their car before heading back to Greece in a few weeks, and their car was a perfect fit for my little family.

Then, he knew a few girls would drive my car from Pennsylvania to North Carolina, visit friends, and all I’d have to do was pick it up 40 minutes from home while they flew back home.

Early Sunday morning, 6:30 am, my daughter dropped me off in the departure lane at the airport before they pulled up, then hopped out while I hopped in and drove away in my “new” car with a bit of the same feeling I’d had six years earlier when I bought the white car.

He does things.

He arranges things.

According to His will, in His time, and in His way.

And with Him, for Him, and by Him we are more than conquerors because all things work for good to those who love Him.

See that—ALL THINGS—because He is over all and cannot be undone.

May you know Grace in your very bones and marrow,

Sara

Why I Bought a 118 Year Old House

For the past four and a half years, even though my rentals were decent, sweet little homes, I’ve felt like I live in a hotel room.

The place I left behind in Washington state was part of my heart and soul. I loved the mountains, river, wrap-around porch, and tall trees protecting the brown, gable roofed house where four levels were inhabited by happy children and guests.

Moving to the south east with four children had me praying a lot, asking God for answers, and wanting to feel at home. I had a down payment for a house, but not for matching sky-rocketing prices in the surrounding Charlotte area. So, I resigned to not buying a home.

But God had a surprise waiting for me, just around the corner.

My mom came to visit and one day browsed her phone for homes in the area. Knowing how much I wanted to settle inside my own walls, she looked for anything possible, and in five minutes God led her to the one thing that felt impossible.

A beautiful 118 year old Victorian style foreclosure stared at us from the screen and begged to be seen. So, we did—and miracle of miracles, that same “at home” feeling came over me as it had with my home in Washington state.

Before and after cleaning the front yard.

So began a series of phone calls with my dad asking his advice, and making multiple lower offers they didn’t accept until I finally offered full price as well as closing costs.

I expected them to accept the offer on my birthday but instead, they put it up for auction and I was devastated. Still, I knew there had to be a reason and I prayed that day, pondering life as I took the kids hiking, determined to make the most of my 44^th birthday.

A few days later I had my joy back and was moving on from the house idea when my realtor told me they were going to accept my offer and were merely missing papers because he hadn’t submitted the correct ones.

Thus began a journey of purchasing an ancient home with a complicated foreclosure process, a toilet with a copper pipe and water tank mounted close to the ceiling, and enough charm oozing out of old wooden floors to keep me fascinated for the rest of my life.

The house had been winterized and I didn’t know if there’d be leaks when the city turned on water. Cleaning day was set and water was figured out only the day before, but each time stress wanted to mount high, the Lord would powerfully remind me that He’s taking care of things and I just needed to trust.

It was almost like He’d speak to me in the car, telling my heart to quiet down because He had this. Thus began a beautiful process of God doing things.

Friends helped me clean it, and then, one of them sent her husband to take over my yard work. I’d been out there with gloves but after a few hours had barely made a dent in weeds and must have been bitten by a thousand mosquitos. Inch by inch, I knew I’d get it done.

My friends thought otherwise and before I knew what was happening, an excavator was in my yard along with a crew of eight men. All I did was come by after work, day after day, to watch the overwhelming task unfold into a beautiful, clean space.

I cried grateful tears in front of the whole crew.

My neighbor watched and said one day, “Sometimes God just does things.”

The kids and I have found home.

After the back yard process.

Every day, I feel like I’m living a dream. The peace is palpable here, and the feeling of home is in every corner. The toilet still stands and I am as determined as ever to keep and restore the ancient, rusted, leaking tank towering above me close to the ceiling.

A friend took a look at the rusty old tank, looked at me and asked, “You want to keep this toilet?”

I’d never felt so certain of anything, so the next words out of his mouth became, “Ok then, we’ll find a way to fix it.”

For now, water drips into a glass mason jar while I choose to focus on the joy of a freshly painted, white claw foot tub that used to be blue with gold feet before I took a brush to it. Some things have to be changed immediately, while other things take time and perhaps years, like room after room of funky paint colors and wall papers.

The furniture we already had fit like a glove inside these walls, all the way down to my son’s pool table creating a billiard room, and the table I’d brought all the way from my Washington state air bnb, creating a chess corner under stained glass windows.

Inside these walls, some colors I love, some I tolerate, and some I endure. We find most joy when life doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be wondrously beautiful.

I’ve always loved turning houses into homes, and I hope my story of this miracle in a difficult real estate world encourages you to trust God with your desires, year after year after year—whether you’re laughing or crying—keep trust, grow in faith, and know that doing the next right thing can only lead you forward, closer to His heart.

I don’t say God is good because He brought me a dreamy house that makes me feel at home. I would say He is good even if it hadn’t worked out—because here’s the wonderful thing about a heavenly God—He is always good even when earth is not.

First Fourth of July in our new old home.

Keep faith in HIM alone. He is our Rock, and He knows when to move.

Love from my home to yours,

Sara

Live as if You Were Dying

Watching four children walk up stage to express love for their father, in tears, broke me a little today. Two of the girls were engaged and had lost their dad just before their weddings. Everyone was in tears, and what they loved most about the man who passed away was his love for gathering with others and creating spaces where people enjoyed each other’s company.

I knew it was true because I’d experienced it from him, too. He was always interested in meaningful conversation and as his daughter said, “He made me feel like I was the smartest woman in the room.”

What a beautiful thing for a daughter to be able to say.

But what can we all do to create the same sense of love and belonging as he did?

I love birthday parties where we all gather in a circle and take turns sharing what we love about the birthday person.

Sometimes, a birthday gift is a remodeled bathroom, like this son did for his mother.

Usually, he or she is squirming—and I wonder why we are all so uncomfortable with encouragement, as if perfection was needed before we accept that we truly are a blessing in so many ways.

We usually hear most of the good about someone at their memorial service when they are no longer there to hear it. There’s not a person on earth who doesn’t need to know they are needed, loved, and valued while they’re living.

It hit me, this thing of living as if we were dying. Someday, I’ll be in the grave. I have four children, too.

I bought a house yesterday, then called my oldest daughter last night to check in on her. A mother’s nest is never empty, even after her babies have flown. “What are you doing this weekend, and do you want to join the other kids and I to have dinner at the new house, and just hang out there together?”

She jumped on it. And I remembered a week prior that she’d asked me to please invite her to do things with us. I’d been a little surprised because I thought she knew how much she was loved and wanted in this family—by her mother, especially.

I agreed quickly. She was twenty years old, and I wanted my ceiling to be her floor. If she never had another woman wanting her to pass her up and go far beyond, she’d have that from her mother. And I always wanted her around. But, she needed to hear it.

The man who passed away had been able to travel and do expensive things, but I’m a single mom. Often, as I’m working, I open Instagram to see my friends flying to other places of the world with their husbands, relaxing by turquoise colored waters with a margarita in hand. Sometimes they’re surrounded by happy children—and I think of my own, and how I want to give them all the above, too.

I may not be flying to the Bahamas, but I can order pizza and gather my kids into the new kitchen that’s actually 118 years old. I won’t hear my daughter express excitement over flying to Europe, but I’ll hear her say, “I can bring my own children to this house someday” and I realize that creating home for children even after they’re adults is far more meaningful than being able to fly to another country for a week or two.

We’ll always look back and laugh over the days we drove six hours in one day to have about the same amount of time at Wilmington Beach. How we’d pack sandwiches so we wouldn’t have to buy coastal food, and how we’d head three hours home when we wanted to head to the closest hotel room over looking white sand and crashing blue waves.

We won’t be sinking into soft white pillows to the sound of waves; we’ll be driving through the sunset with sand between our toes and the younger kids falling asleep brown from the sun and stomachs full of ice cream because we decided to spend at least a little bit of money that day.

What will matter is that we gathered, we laughed, we expressed appreciation for each other. And here’s the thing, mamas out there—your sixteen year old may gripe about the food in your pantry but when she’s twenty, she’ll re-word her complaints into “I can’t believe I used to gripe about your food, mom. You bought food for four children and I’m just feeding myself.”

Parents, don’t compare yourselves to others who can do more. Like Mary did when she poured ointment on Jesus’ feet, let’s do what we can with what we have. When Mary was criticized and told she should have done something different with her oil, Jesus told the critics to leave her alone, and said, “She has done what she could.” (Mark 14:8)

Some of us don’t do what we can do because we’re focused on what we can’t do. I want us to live fully and take what we have with both hands, hold it, ponder it, and then give it out—first of all to our families, then to those around us.

Let’s live as if we’re dying—because one day, our tongues will be silent and our hands will be still.

I want us to gather as if tomorrow was the last day we were able to see others.

I want us to steer conversations into words of life that give grace to those who hear them.

I want us to live FORWARD because we know the Father of mercies, the God of comfort, and the Spirit of healing and hope.

Let’s not wait for a memorial service to express appreciation for each other; let’s live as if we are going to die.

Because we often say, “I’d be willing to die for you.” Can we say with equal confidence “I’m going to live for you”?

Because only in living well can we die well. And only in dying to ourselves, can we truly live.

“Except a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.” John 12:24, ESV

What is Love?

This morning for breakfast, my twelve year old son handed me a plate of scrambled eggs splattered in ketchup. The food was delicious, though not pretty—but that was beside the point.

I deliberately asked him to cook breakfast while I was having quiet time by the fire, because I want to raise boys who are gentlemen and readily step up when their future wife needs something—or doesn’t need something. My boys will know how to cook eggs and scrub bathrooms long before they leave the house.

But eggs weren’t the greatest thing on my mind as I sat by the fire. The Lord was nailing a spirit of abandonment in my soul and I was asking Him for answers, humbling myself before my online heart work course, and going deep into what was sticking onto me from previous years.

I remembered the time I was six years old when grandma yelled at my father for moving us a few states over to another Amish community. I remembered losing my friends and my parents having to sit at another table to eat when we went back for visits.

I remembered a close repeat at fourteen years old when my parents got their first car and turned on light switches in the house. We lost all our friends overnight.

I remembered the day divorce papers showed up at my door and the lady’s eyes welled up in tears as she handed them over and saw my ashen face.

It wasn’t long before I was crying as memories came flashing through my mind, but the fire was warm, and my Bible was with me. And just as clearly as the Lord nailed my problem, He gave me the solution.

That’s what He does, always. There’s never a nailing of the problem without Him providing a hammer to nail that problem into the dirt where it belongs.

It came so clearly. “Sara, there was never a moment when you were not perfectly loved.”

Like warm oil on a bitter wound, the Holy Spirit was there to heal what He revealed. Peace I cannot describe flooded my soul as I received the Father’s love.

I was perfectly loved when my husband’s eyes were on other women.

I was perfectly loved when he packed his bags and dated a sixteen year old girl.

I was perfectly loved when I was handed divorce papers.

I never needed to dye my hair a different color or compete with women in magazines.

There was never a moment when I was not already perfectly loved.

I’m not the only one who has had to work through trauma and I knew I had to share this healing with my sisters. I want all of us to think of the worst times of our lives and realize, then and now, that no person can undo the perfect love of Jesus in any of those moments.

Sit with Jesus and remember when you were abandoned or rejected. Allow Him to let you know that in those very moments, His perfect love was right there. He wasn’t saying or doing what the human in front of you was doing.

I went to work with absolute peace, and when my client asked if I wanted Thai food, I was relaxed enough to accept it. During lunch, we got to talk about death, salvation, and Jesus. I’d been praying often for this man because it’s not easy to watch a man die of cancer who has yet to accept Christ.

Perfect peace was over me all afternoon and allowed me to listen to his thoughts on religion, respectfully, and even agree with some of them. I had nothing to defend accept the love of God. In the right moments, the Holy Spirit was almost tangible as I shared with him the absolute peace I’ve found in surrender and trust with Jesus even though life has been difficult.

He used to be an apologist and knew everything about all religions, it seemed. But because I was filled with God’s love for my own soul, I relaxed and felt no pressure to convince him, only a deep desire to share with him the love I’d found. I didn’t pretend death wasn’t scary—there’s a reason death is called a valley and shadow—but I spoke of peace that could be greater than any fear of death.

He listened, and wept, then said he enjoyed our talk. “It only takes a moment of surrender,” I told him. “Surrender– even your questions.”

Pad Thai is always delicious but I walked away with most of it still in the box.

It’s odd how the Lord brought me this waited for opportunity when I was at rest. If I hadn’t rested my soul that morning, I would likely have declined lunch. Or, accepted it but felt more pressure to convince him rather than sit with him.

The Holy Spirit does what He does when He’s already living and active inside of us. And sometimes, we have to face the greatest deaths of our lives to experience the greatest love of our souls.

It wasn’t easy to remember all those things this morning. But sisters, whatever God’s revealing, He’s intent on healing. He will only open your pain so He can heal your wound.

If you find yourself performing for love, remember that every single moment, you’ve always been loved.

Today, I try to stay fit because I want to be healthy and feel good about myself.

I sing because I love to worship.

I write because that’s what writers do.

I decorate my house because homemaking is a happy, worthy thing.

Do what you do because you are already perfectly loved, and certain behavior is becoming for a daughter of the King. Take care of your body because staying fit and healthy is honoring to yourself and to your womanhood. Live well because that’s what a princess does.

Being perfectly loved means we’ll want to live as if we are. It doesn’t mean accepting every flaw and continuing to live unhealthy lives. Perfect love changes us. Perfect love takes us to better. Perfect love allows us to toss the ugly and live the beautiful.

The more you see how loved you already are, the more you’ll do all the things you wished you did, but can’t bring yourself to do. Because at the end of the day, God doesn’t order us with rules, He wins us with His love. That, sisters, is the difference between religion and relationship.

The man spoke of a preacher who rejected him for sin, yet was having a homosexual affair on his wife. “This is not Jesus,” I told him. “Because the Holy Spirit is inside me, there are certain things He compels me not to do, but it’s all out of love.”

He nodded. He understood. Creator God cannot be compared to creation who is not choosing God.

The gift always has been and always will be perfect love.

For this gift, Jesus Christ gets my service and adoration til the end of time, and then, for all eternity.

Merry Christmas because He lives!

And Merry Christmas because every single moment, you’ve always been perfectly loved.

All is Grace,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 1

I’ll never forget the day I opened up the door to a lady handing me a large yellow envelope.

My throat went dry. “Is this what I think it is?” I asked quietly.

She nodded her head as she studied my face, and tears filled her eyes before she turned and silently walked away.

The day I looked over those complicated divorce papers was the D-Day of my life.

So I’m here to tell you, single mom, that you’re not alone and I get it. For me, you don’t have to appear brave when you need to cry. It’s honestly okay to be a wreck for awhile.

I get the nausea that won’t allow you to eat.

I get eating whatever goes down, when it goes down, even if it’s not nutritious.

I get the sudden survival mode that kicks in for your babes as you start working hard to provide for them.

I get the mom guilt that makes you try to over-compensate for a father’s absence by filling in all the gaps– and I get the resulting exhaustion that makes you love bedtime more than any other time of day.

I get how painful it is when you run to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving and see the girl who replaced you, also out purchasing groceries, for the man you used to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.

I get the struggle of forgiveness and the confusion of what that even looks like when you feel all the tension rise one more time in the face of such oddities.

I get the pain of holidays, where you give up the parties you used to throw—then decide to throw them anyway because you’re finally seeing that life can go on and you can still do the things you love, and your friends love you just as much as before.

I get the angst of your soul as you lift your face to the sky and ask God why. “Why, when I tried so hard to be a good wife, did it not work?”

I get the anger when you see other wives mistreating their husbands and the men still stay. How you’d like to remind them of the good they have, and how that goodness should be rewarded and respected.

I get it when it all seems so unfair.

I get it when you’re suddenly a single person, and other women look at you as a threat rather than a gift– and you’d like to walk around with a T-shirt that says, “I’d die a thousand deaths before I’d hurt any woman the way I’ve been hurt.”

I get it when it’s hard to receive help, and how slowly you learn the absolute necessity of it, how grateful you become for the brothers in law and family who help you unendingly when you need it—-and don’t stop when you tell them you don’t need it because they know better than you do.

But here’s the thing:

I also get it when you start smiling again because Jesus comes closer than any human being could ever come.

I get it when your hard work pays off and you’re able to support yourself and your children without child support.

I get the satisfied tiredness that comes at the end of a work week when you do payroll, and still have enough for your bills even when rent is high and groceries are out of this world.

I get the deep appreciation for your friends who get the fact that you don’t have time to spare even when you’d love to have them over—because just getting to sit on your couch with coffee feels like vacation.

I get the gratefulness mingled with frustration when you spend too much money on Dr. visits, trying to get well again after burning out from years of emotional trauma.

I get the joy of hiking hours into the wilds so you can be in touch with something bigger than yourself.

I get the deep friendships that form when others join your steep adventures and everyone talks non-stop about all of life while the legs burn upward before eyes rest on majestic views that defy every pain you’ve ever felt.

I get the gratefulness of those moments when pain melts into oblivion, even just for a few minutes as something better takes over your mind.

I get the deep appreciation for those friends who send their husbands over to fix your broken sinks and change the tire on your son’s bike. Woman to woman, it’s their way of saying, “I got your back” and they’ll never know how much it means to us.

I get the joy over small things, because joy is a gift and you feel it coming, coming, coming as it used to be—though now, it is richer, fuller, and better because it is not dependent on another human being.

I get it that you’re grateful for your sorrow because it led you to your joy.

I get it that you felt broken much longer than you wanted, yet realized that your heart broken open absorbed light more than before.

I get the peace that comes from no dependence on relationship for your happiness, and the profound realization that you’re going to be more than okay, not because of a human being but because “The Son of Man has risen with healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and He met you in your tears so He could wipe them away.

I get the wonder that He never left, never became impatient, and always looked at you with love.

I get the realization that you’re His favorite—but so is everyone else around you, and they should all be treated as such, created in the image of God for the glory of God. The realization of your own value collides beautifully with the realization of everyone’s value, and you want the whole world to circle with love, endlessly.

And I truly get it that now, though you love everyone, you no longer trust everyone. You’ve learned to know when you know when someone’s character is solid and they’ve earned trust without trying—because they didn’t need to prove what already was.

You are now the girl reading with new insight this verse: “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

You live carefully, but courageously. Fear may threaten you, but love will overtake you.

Dear single mom, I get it that the Love of Jesus is now your anchor beyond what you ever knew before, and how, no matter what the future holds, you are set on HIM because you’ve found His love better than any other kind of love.

You are no longer the girl longing for the perfect life; you are now the girl held with perfect love in a very imperfect world.

“But to you who fear My name, the Son of Righteousness shall rise with healing in His wings.”

Malachi 4:2

Eight Ways to Help Grieving People

It was seven years ago, but doesn’t seem so long ago that I got the call from my sister asking if I had heard about our brother.

I knew instinctively that he had died, and it was my first experience with numbing grief. I’d never before gone basically immobile where all I could do was cry. And in the days that followed, my usually active self could barely move to serve those around me who were also grieving.

I learned a lot in those days.

We flew to Honduras to try to find his body in the beautiful lake he had disappeared into, and on the third day, as professional divers, friends, and family called it quits one more time, his body suddenly floated up to the surface right beside the boat.

The sight of my brother’s body on news headlines, being drug out of the water, was almost too much for me. We buried him on a dark mountainside in Honduras, our questions unanswered. All we knew was that he was a good swimmer, yet went under quickly.

No struggle, no resurfacing. And because we were in another country, the autopsy we desperately wanted didn’t happen.

Our questions remain unanswered. Now, when others are wrecked with grief we try to remember all we learned in those days, try to reach out to others in ways that will help them rather than hurt them even more.

Lake of my brother’s moments into heaven.

A few weeks ago one of my dearest friends lost her husband. The grief was great, even for me, and I felt I needed to be there. But I remembered—did she need me now, or later? Sure enough, she told me she had lots of people at the moment and would need me in a few weeks more than now. Loving my friend best meant waiting rather than rushing into crisis.

When my cousin Susanna Kauffman died a few weeks ago, I wanted others NOT to do or say some things that had happened to us. I wanted to spare the family from questions asked at the wrong times, from news links broad casted across social media before they could even process what was happening, and from well meaning people hurting rather than helping them.

None of us always know what to do or say to someone in crisis. Do we speak or stay silent? Do we go or stay?

But as I walked personal grief and watched family members process in their own ways, I learned some things on what to do or not do. And I’d love to develop a community of well-taught believers who walk grief with others in a healing way.

1. Be okay with unanswered questions.

A funeral, memorial service, or even the days prior and after are not the days to ask a crisis family all the questions on your mind. Don’t ask numerous questions of how they died, why they died, exactly what happened, etc. Reality is not always sinking in for the family and there is plenty of time for questions to be answered in the future.

2. Be okay with just showing up.

I just walked into a room to see one of my best friends weeping, bill in her hand for $38,000 (Her husband had just lost his job along with the accompanying insurance, and his life flight alone was this much). She was playing worship music as she wept, telling me that it’s all paid for. Not by the Go Fund Me page where almost that exact amount was given, but by another source. I wrapped her up and wept with her.

Showing up can be in person or with your pocket book. Many people show up with words, yet those in crisis often need tangible presence or help more than verbal help.

You don’t have to know what to say. Most of the time you don’t need to say anything. Just show up. Just be there. Just do the thing without much ado, and make sure they are covered.

3. Don’t overwhelm weary minds with your own crisis stories.

That is not the best way to “be relatable” at a funeral. I remember standing before a long line of well-wishers, listening to someone else tell us of their own death story. We were too exhausted to stand there, much less listen to stories of another crisis. If you come to a memorial, keep your words calm, sympathetic, and short. Presence is better than speech.

4. Don’t crowd into their home after the funeral.

The family will be exhausted. They won’t need to sit for hours, answering questions and processing for or with you at that time. DO visit them in the following weeks and months as reality settles in.

5. Notice what they need, emotionally or physically.

People in crisis often find it hard to eat and even harder to cook. Take them baskets of ready made food and leave it sitting on the counter with flowers. You can come and go in a few minutes, leaving a note or a hug.

If you see a sink full of dishes, perhaps wash them quickly if the time seems right. Keep your eyes peeled for what might mean most to them.

People process differently. My friend needs quality time and someone to just sit on her couch and process with her. One of her daughters is the same, and joins us there. Her other daughter needs to move and talk, stay busy, and keep up with school work. Reality may hit her a few months down the road.

There is no right or wrong way to process grief. Don’t try to force your own way of healing onto someone else, but rather take note of each person’s make-up and go out of your way to accommodate their way of grieving. If someone needs to talk or do something, go with that flow and take them out for an activity. If they need to sit and cry, make sure your presence is there—really there.

6. Remember to mention the passed loved one in the coming months and years.

People often don’t mention someone who passed away because they don’t want to stir unnecessary grief. But the family is mourning whether or not their loved one is mentioned. A smile with a story of what you loved about the person will soothe their hearts a little. This opens the door for them to talk, process, and share about their loved one if they want to. They will probably pull out photos to share, and will love any detail you have of a pleasant memory.

It is very difficult to live a new reality. When others never mention a loved one, it can feel like you’re in your world alone.

7. Make sure all their physical needs are met.

If you see a need somewhere, just fill it. No need to ask a ton of questions. The less they have to think about and take care of, the better. They may not have the energy to thank you then, but you will be remembered as someone who truly helped. Stay tuned in for a long time, remember that months later can be more difficult than the immediate shock. Pray, stop by, and help financially or in any other way you notice they need help.

8. Don’t quote Bible verses to try to “get them out of grief”.

Be okay with grief. Cry with them. Never quote a verse about joy or say things like “Your loved one is better off with Jesus” or “You’ll see him again some day” or “Things will get better.”

Jesus stood weeping with Martha and Mary before he called Lazarus from the tomb. Even in His Godhead, where He stood ready to do the miraculous, He first made time for mourning. He didn’t have to, but He chose to.

Remember that many deaths are traumatic. Not only is a family grieving loss, often they are also trying not to remember how someone died. Pray healing over their minds—and as one friend put it to me a few weeks ago, pray that they would process what God wants them to process, and leave the rest to Him. There is grief, and there is excessive, destructive grief. Pray that they would grieve with Jesus so despair would not get in.

Let’s choose to love in ways people need us to love them. This is all about them, not about us. In this way, the God of HOPE will come into our atmospheres and change the way we sit with others in their grief.

Love to all,

Sara

“Bear one another’s burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2, ESV