“I feel like my grief isn’t validated,” a girl once told me.
I listened carefully because she was an excellent person who had been through divorce and was dating a widower who grieved publicly and still posted photos on social media of his late wife whom he loved and missed greatly.
A few weeks later, on a call with a dear woman who had suffered through a heavily abusive marriage for many years, I heard it again. “I’m afraid of the judgments of others if I leave. I’m starting to sort through things and the thought of losing everything is so difficult. I have years in this house.”
I’ve been an ear on the phone for those grieving both death and divorce many, many times while personally facing the sudden loss of my brother as well as the extended, brutal loss of my husband, home, community of friends, and the majestic nature I surrounded myself with on the west coast.
I lost it all.
So, it doesn’t take much for my eyes to well in tears over someone else’s story. The man who lost his wife to sudden cancer, the girl who lost her mother far too young. But also, the man who lost his wife because she left when he was trying hard. I do not look at the widower with more admiration than I look at the man who was married to a selfish woman with a modern, dismissive view of commitment.
Both men hurt. Both men deserve empathy without judgment.
I’m here to bring understanding to the world of grief on both ends. Because my story was so obviously abusive and messed up, I got a ton of support and love during the worst season of my life. The unthinkable D word hit my life as others rallied around me.
Those losing a spouse to death often get support while those losing a spouse to divorce often receive judgment. It shouldn’t be this way. The man who was married for many years gets a memorial service when he loses his wife, caring support for years, and admiration for being married that long.
The man who was victim of an unwanted (and unwarranted) divorce gets half his income taken and ends up in a small rental by himself. People say, “What did he do wrong that she left?” as if anything he could have done better is suddenly held against him until he has no room to breathe, while the man who lost his wife to death also had faults but was married to a good and committed woman who knew how to work hard for growth rather than discard a human being like refuse to the dump.
I know what it’s like to be left. I know what it’s like to spend years in an abusive marriage that ends with affairs and near prison for my husband. Still, I was the one who was left.
Someone said recently, “Divorce is easier to overcome than death.” I’m sure some cases are easier; others are definitely not.
I can say beyond doubt that I would choose to be the widow of a man who loved me and was faithful to me rather than be discarded by an unfaithful man and start life over, across the country with four children. We don’t have to question which is easier; all we have to know is that love and loss is far better than loss without love.
Better doesn’t necessarily equal easier. It just means better.
People think of me as the exception to the divorce rule and I appreciate the abundance of support I receive. BUT, I am not the exception. Unfortunately, there are now many, many people being discarded who do not deserve divorce.
Our post modern culture has left commitment, work ethic, unselfishness, and gender distinction in shambles. (I’m telling you, there’s a reason I love chatting with a grey head. ) You see many problems in today’s world—lack of commitment is only one of them but it implies that many are being left who do not deserve it, any more than the one who lost a spouse to sickness and death.
We can see two equally good people, yet with drastically different stories as to why they’re alone.
Comments about a grieving divorced person like, “I wonder what he/she failed in,” are often immediate judgements against a pain stricken person whose world has just fallen apart. And, hear this carefully—many of these people have put in as much effort as the one who is applauded for having a long lasting marriage.
The man whose wife left has a crushed grief on his face, that kind of grief where even noise becomes silent. He deserves support just like the man whose wife passed away.
I experienced harsh judgment once, from a couple in a church I visited on a particularly hard day. “What did YOU DO?” I’ll never forget how that cut, how I stared at their faces knowing they had no idea about the truth of it, how long and silent years had passed while my husband would not resolve the other woman issue. Others posed polite but kind questions, but I heard and felt them. Why would he leave her? Didn’t she give him sex?
I wasn’t about to go tell the world that I had spent 15 years of frequent, regular sex without love. I was not a frigid wife, but I still wasn’t enough. No woman will be enough for a man craving and justifying multiple women.
People scratched their heads to understand why I’d be left. How could I or how would I tell people who didn’t deserve to know the truth of my silent agony, married to a man who didn’t want to promise me never to sleep with my best friend. The after-math of years of that was enough to work through without facing thoughtless remarks or questions.
Let people wonder about my story, but I will ask the tongues of judgment toward others I love, to be as kind as they would be in the face of death.
If you wouldn’t ask a person who just lost a spouse to cancer, “I wonder what they did wrong with his health?” please don’t ask about a good and kind person who has just lost a spouse to divorce, “I wonder what he did wrong in his marriage?”
Every sickness and death is the result of something gone wrong in the body. Some people die even though they eat better than most others. The same is true of divorce. Every divorce is the result of something gone wrong in the marriage; some marriages die even if one spouse is kinder and more giving than most others in this world.
For some reason I can’t describe or put my finger on, I’ve seen the most giving people often married to more selfish people who walk away or cheat. I watch them grapple with being alone, I watch them puzzle why others stay married who are far less kind. The answer is clear; they are married to someone who won’t give up and walk away.
One person cannot keep a marriage to an adulterous and abusive person alive. One person cannot even stop a selfish person from leaving. The only thing one can do is strive to love well, and that comes with reward even if someone else doesn’t receive it.
We can affect the world around us with love but we cannot guarantee a certain outcome with love. Another person has to receive it and also walk in love rather than walk away. The only reward we are guaranteed in this life is union with the God of love when we choose to walk in His love.
We miss this point often. We judge others and speak as if someone who does what is right will automatically receive what is right from their spouse. This is often not true. Am I still glad I tried to love well, kept our marriage bed alive, and didn’t walk away until he did? The answer is yes. God was my reward with His presence sustaining me, because I was in a habitual habit of saying yes to Him and crying out to Him.
When we see that our yes to God sometimes collides with a spouse’s no to God, we are much less quick to judge as soon as we hear someone else’s painful story. What if they’ve been saying yes to God as much or more than the friend who stayed married?
Trust me, there is not always a valid reason for someone to be left and replaced. Every human being could always do better and every human being has faults. But that doesn’t equal a valid divorce.
I am weary of equally giving or even less giving people being applauded simply because they stayed married while an even more giving person is forced to walk around life with a large “D” on their sleeve while people whisper behind his back.
I’m speaking up for well meaning people who would give their last slice of bread to save their marriage, and who’ve spent their lives trying to make it work with an impossible person. My story was obvious; many of my friends deserve the same support but are not receiving it because their story is not as obvious.
To those who are married to a good, faithful person with human faults and needs, continue giving 200 percent to the cause of love. Forgive, love extravagantly, and never walk away. Trust God by saying yes to His heart for life long commitment. And receive from God what lacks in your imperfect spouse while you keep working on your marriage.
Heaven knows many of us with the big “D” would have moved heaven and earth to be able to do the same.
Thank you all for loving me so well while I threw my ring into the field, cried my heart out, burnt my lingerie, and moved across the country with four children. All because I was forced to, not because I chose to. I’m asking for that kind of support to be given those I love even when you can’t see the full story.
For Love and Healing,
Sara D.
