I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.
In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.
When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.
We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.
-Get closer to God in that moment/season
Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.
-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself
Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.
Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.
But the positive thing about rejection is this:
When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.
This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!
How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.
I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like
-“I am just not ready to date yet.”
-You are like a brother or sister to me.”
-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”
I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.
Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.
Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.
If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.
Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!
The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.
“Turns out they just were not my type.”
“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”
“I can’t believe I am not their type!”
We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?
Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.
The list:
If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.
Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.
The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.
Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.
-Blonde
-Hot
-In good shape
-Good cook
-Loves Jesus
-Good with finances
-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)
-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)
-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)
-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)
-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)
-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)
Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.
Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.
Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.
-A PURE MAN OF GOD!
-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn
-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle
-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome
-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet
-Already great with kids and loves her kids
-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region
-A musician who can sing to her
-A good dancer too, because that would be fun
How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.
These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.
So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.
Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.
How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).
We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.
When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.
Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.
I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.
First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.
I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.
-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.
-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.
-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t
-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.
My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.
My encouragement to those who read this are two things.
First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)
The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.
If there is something that can feel more uncomfortable at times sitting in the church than being a “sinner”, it’s sitting in a church being single.
There are all sorts ot ideologies going around regarding Christian dating. What makes it harder is the Bible says a lot about marriage, but barely anything about how to get there.
What is the answer then?
Should we kiss dating goodbye and wait for the angelic encounter to tell us that cutie who sits in the front by the alter is “the one”?
Maybe forget it all and as long as the person can say Jesus and breathes oxygen, it’s go time?
These are humorous, over-exaggerated version of the two common mindsets I tend to see the most. Over spiritualize the dating process or just date any person we are slightly attracted to.
I do not have my doctorate in human emotion. I don’t have a 50 year successful marriage to use to show my experience.
I have, however, in a journey of self betterment, learned from my mistakes. I have watched and learned by other’s mistakes. I have sought teaching from various programs, podcasts and teachings. A combination of all the above create the thoughts and lessons I share.
Dating is such a big topic. It would take more than a blogpost or even a book of them to fully cover everything in the topic of dating. We will just start with an opening discussion.
So, let’s talk about dating in the church!
The “one” is a concept we’ve all heard about. That one person in the world who is our perfect match. Countless childhood Disney princess movies (before attacks start, I am a big Disney fan myself) and all those romantic movies where the couple meet and are just perfect for each other. The stuff of our dreams.
This somehow has become very prevalent in the church as well. Many conversations and prayers using the term “the one” all over the place. Now there are stories of married couples who have encounters with God that seem to prove they were meant for each other. Though if we get mathematical, that would be likely 1% of Christian married couples.
I read this quote that I really enjoy about “the one” on a podcast. When asking a married couple when they knew that they had found “the one”, this is what they said, “I knew I had found the one when I was standing at the alter saying ‘I do’.”
I can hear wrong when I feel like God is leading me somewhere. We’ve likely all felt called to do something and had it not turn out the best. We realize, oh maybe we heard wrong. Maybe we listened to a voice other than God. If we can hear wrong in the small things, why would it be any different in the major life decisions?
Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the church. If we look through that lens and try to apply ”the one” mindset, there is a big issue.
God created us with free will; we have to choose him. In the same way, God did not force his only Son to die for humanity. Christ choose to die for our sins. He chose to be our redemption.
In the same way, when we pursue marriage, it’s not because it is the only person God put on the earth to be with. Marriage is supposed to be a choice. A beautiful choice that you don’t just make once, but you choose everyday for the rest of your life. Christ died for our sins. Not just for the days we whole heartedly love him. He chooses us even on the days when we act as if we couldn’t care less about him.
What’s the point? I feel the mindset of “the one”, though a beautiful idea, can also take away the responsibility of the choice we make when we pursue marriage. If we are basing this choice on what we feel is “God’s will”, then what happens if we are wrong? Do we just brush it off as we must have heard wrong? As much of the Disney dreamer as I am, when we over-spiritualize the dating process, it can lead to so many bad outcomes that can be prevented.
So what does that mean for dating in the church? It means we should have and put more value on a dating process.
I can already hear the nails on the chalk board sound of someone saying “I don’t date, I court”. This, of course, being the belief the world has so poisoned the term dating, so we make up our own thing and call it courting. We think it’s very different and so much better.
In courting we:
-only pursue someone we intend to marry
-we always have parents and leaders opinions heavily involved
-We only hang out in groups and public places.
There is probably more I could say on that. I’m not trying to offend any “courting” fans out there, trust me. Though I will say your “courting” is still just your own version of dating.
Dating has been around before the yeet generation, before the radio was filled with rap songs bragging how many ladies a rapper could get, and before the explosion of boy bands. Your parents dated, your grandparents dated.
If I ask you how to cook food, what would you say? Would it involve a stove top? A frying pan? Well, I once had someone cook something for me using a stove top and frying pan and it was awful. It made me super sick. Using a frying pan on a stove top is cooking that didn’t work out, so now I don’t cook food, I “prepare food” and only use the oven. Sound silly? Of course! Cooking is more than just how one person or even multiple people do it. In fact, I’d dare to say we all have our own quirks when we cook.
Dating is not defined by how any certain group does it. We will all take the journey of dating in our own unique way. We will take things that benefit and help us, while also finding things that we could try to do to better. This will have input from those we trust as well as past experiences to create something unique to us.
Here are some of things I’ve come to realize about how we need to change how we look at dating in the church
-it’s great to date with intention to marry, but to put the pressure of marriage in the beginning stages of dating is just unrealistic. You actually have to spend some time dating someone to know if this is someone you want to marry
-its important to have input in our dating process from people we trust, but we can not just copy and paste someone’s dating journey and apply it to our lives. Those people have their own lives, trauma, likes, dislikes, etc that creates their journey. Some things may work great, some may actually be more of a hinderance. It’s our job to craft our dating journey ourselves.
-The cute guy/girl who you keep wanting to stand by in the prayer circle– they are much deeper than the person they are at the church events or hangouts. You won’t and shouldn’t know how they fit you in a dating sense just by being at those events. It’s going to take deep conversations. Seeing them outside the church walls, outside the groups. People who seem the most amazing, anointed, put together folks in the church, can be absolute disasters (I say lovingly) outside it. On the other side of that coin, some of the most amazing people in the church won’t show it until you spend more time with them where they feel they can fully be themselves.
Quick story that shows this well. I have a amazing friend who is like a sister to me. I always talk about how proud I am of her anytime I get, to the point where I think it’s started to lose it’s value. Anyways, she called me one day to tell me a boy from our friend group liked her. She asked what she should do. I asked her if she liked him at all. She had never thought about it and was not sure. I asked if she had ever hung out with him outside of church events. Turns out she had not. She really didn’t know too much about him. She knew he was a very nice guy but not much else. I would dare say he may not have even fit her normal mold of what she thought she was looking for. So I suggested she try hanging out with him one on one before she made any decisions. Turns out, luckily, a few others suggested the same. So she did. It was maybe a week later before she called me again saying how he is the most incredible man she has ever met and she is so in love with him.
She didn’t have this angelic encounter when she first saw him. She was not convinced she was gonna marry that boy (though he may have had his fingers crossed it would happen). Yet at the same time she didn’t just take the little she knew from seeing him at church or group events to form a opinion on if he could be someone she could see herself with. She decided to get to know him, really get to know him on a personal level to see if there was anything there. I could go on and on about this but I’ll save that for another time.
They are now happily married and I will never stop bringing up around her how she was not sure at first but then after doing the simple thing of taking time to see what was there beyond the obvious things she saw in church Sunday gatherings, she now has found the absolute love of her life. You just never know, good and even bad, what is really there until you’ve done the research.
So, be safe of course, take small steps if needed at first. Value your friends’ and mentor’s opinions. Start getting to know people and see the truth, good or bad, before making a decision on how datable or marry-able they are. Don’t put pressures on your dating journey that need not be there. In fact. in the beginning, don’t put that pressure of marriage on anyone. Get to know them (with healthy boundaries) and go from there.
This morning for breakfast, my twelve year old son handed me a plate of scrambled eggs splattered in ketchup. The food was delicious, though not pretty—but that was beside the point.
I deliberately asked him to cook breakfast while I was having quiet time by the fire, because I want to raise boys who are gentlemen and readily step up when their future wife needs something—or doesn’t need something. My boys will know how to cook eggs and scrub bathrooms long before they leave the house.
But eggs weren’t the greatest thing on my mind as I sat by the fire. The Lord was nailing a spirit of abandonment in my soul and I was asking Him for answers, humbling myself before my online heart work course, and going deep into what was sticking onto me from previous years.
I remembered the time I was six years old when grandma yelled at my father for moving us a few states over to another Amish community. I remembered losing my friends and my parents having to sit at another table to eat when we went back for visits.
I remembered a close repeat at fourteen years old when my parents got their first car and turned on light switches in the house. We lost all our friends overnight.
I remembered the day divorce papers showed up at my door and the lady’s eyes welled up in tears as she handed them over and saw my ashen face.
It wasn’t long before I was crying as memories came flashing through my mind, but the fire was warm, and my Bible was with me. And just as clearly as the Lord nailed my problem, He gave me the solution.
That’s what He does, always. There’s never a nailing of the problem without Him providing a hammer to nail that problem into the dirt where it belongs.
It came so clearly. “Sara, there was never a moment when you were not perfectly loved.”
Like warm oil on a bitter wound, the Holy Spirit was there to heal what He revealed. Peace I cannot describe flooded my soul as I received the Father’s love.
I was perfectly loved when my husband’s eyes were on other women.
I was perfectly loved when he packed his bags and dated a sixteen year old girl.
I was perfectly loved when I was handed divorce papers.
I never needed to dye my hair a different color or compete with women in magazines.
There was never a moment when I was not already perfectly loved.
I’m not the only one who has had to work through trauma and I knew I had to share this healing with my sisters. I want all of us to think of the worst times of our lives and realize, then and now, that no person can undo the perfect love of Jesus in any of those moments.
Sit with Jesus and remember when you were abandoned or rejected. Allow Him to let you know that in those very moments, His perfect love was right there. He wasn’t saying or doing what the human in front of you was doing.
I went to work with absolute peace, and when my client asked if I wanted Thai food, I was relaxed enough to accept it. During lunch, we got to talk about death, salvation, and Jesus. I’d been praying often for this man because it’s not easy to watch a man die of cancer who has yet to accept Christ.
Perfect peace was over me all afternoon and allowed me to listen to his thoughts on religion, respectfully, and even agree with some of them. I had nothing to defend accept the love of God. In the right moments, the Holy Spirit was almost tangible as I shared with him the absolute peace I’ve found in surrender and trust with Jesus even though life has been difficult.
He used to be an apologist and knew everything about all religions, it seemed. But because I was filled with God’s love for my own soul, I relaxed and felt no pressure to convince him, only a deep desire to share with him the love I’d found. I didn’t pretend death wasn’t scary—there’s a reason death is called a valley and shadow—but I spoke of peace that could be greater than any fear of death.
He listened, and wept, then said he enjoyed our talk. “It only takes a moment of surrender,” I told him. “Surrender– even your questions.”
Pad Thai is always delicious but I walked away with most of it still in the box.
It’s odd how the Lord brought me this waited for opportunity when I was at rest. If I hadn’t rested my soul that morning, I would likely have declined lunch. Or, accepted it but felt more pressure to convince him rather than sit with him.
The Holy Spirit does what He does when He’s already living and active inside of us. And sometimes, we have to face the greatest deaths of our lives to experience the greatest love of our souls.
It wasn’t easy to remember all those things this morning. But sisters, whatever God’s revealing, He’s intent on healing. He will only open your pain so He can heal your wound.
If you find yourself performing for love, remember that every single moment, you’ve always been loved.
Today, I try to stay fit because I want to be healthy and feel good about myself.
I sing because I love to worship.
I write because that’s what writers do.
I decorate my house because homemaking is a happy, worthy thing.
Do what you do because you are already perfectly loved, and certain behavior is becoming for a daughter of the King. Take care of your body because staying fit and healthy is honoring to yourself and to your womanhood. Live well because that’s what a princess does.
Being perfectly loved means we’ll want to live as if we are. It doesn’t mean accepting every flaw and continuing to live unhealthy lives. Perfect love changes us. Perfect love takes us to better. Perfect love allows us to toss the ugly and live the beautiful.
The more you see how loved you already are, the more you’ll do all the things you wished you did, but can’t bring yourself to do. Because at the end of the day, God doesn’t order us with rules, He wins us with His love. That, sisters, is the difference between religion and relationship.
The man spoke of a preacher who rejected him for sin, yet was having a homosexual affair on his wife. “This is not Jesus,” I told him. “Because the Holy Spirit is inside me, there are certain things He compels me not to do, but it’s all out of love.”
He nodded. He understood. Creator God cannot be compared to creation who is not choosing God.
The gift always has been and always will be perfect love.
For this gift, Jesus Christ gets my service and adoration til the end of time, and then, for all eternity.
Merry Christmas because He lives!
And Merry Christmas because every single moment, you’ve always been perfectly loved.
I’ll never forget the day I opened up the door to a lady handing me a large yellow envelope.
My throat went dry. “Is this what I think it is?” I asked quietly.
She nodded her head as she studied my face, and tears filled her eyes before she turned and silently walked away.
The day I looked over those complicated divorce papers was the D-Day of my life.
So I’m here to tell you, single mom, that you’re not alone and I get it. For me, you don’t have to appear brave when you need to cry. It’s honestly okay to be a wreck for awhile.
I get the nausea that won’t allow you to eat.
I get eating whatever goes down, when it goes down, even if it’s not nutritious.
I get the sudden survival mode that kicks in for your babes as you start working hard to provide for them.
I get the mom guilt that makes you try to over-compensate for a father’s absence by filling in all the gaps– and I get the resulting exhaustion that makes you love bedtime more than any other time of day.
I get how painful it is when you run to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving and see the girl who replaced you, also out purchasing groceries, for the man you used to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.
I get the struggle of forgiveness and the confusion of what that even looks like when you feel all the tension rise one more time in the face of such oddities.
I get the pain of holidays, where you give up the parties you used to throw—then decide to throw them anyway because you’re finally seeing that life can go on and you can still do the things you love, and your friends love you just as much as before.
I get the angst of your soul as you lift your face to the sky and ask God why. “Why, when I tried so hard to be a good wife, did it not work?”
I get the anger when you see other wives mistreating their husbands and the men still stay. How you’d like to remind them of the good they have, and how that goodness should be rewarded and respected.
I get it when it all seems so unfair.
I get it when you’re suddenly a single person, and other women look at you as a threat rather than a gift– and you’d like to walk around with a T-shirt that says, “I’d die a thousand deaths before I’d hurt any woman the way I’ve been hurt.”
I get it when it’s hard to receive help, and how slowly you learn the absolute necessity of it, how grateful you become for the brothers in law and family who help you unendingly when you need it—-and don’t stop when you tell them you don’t need it because they know better than you do.
But here’s the thing:
I also get it when you start smiling again because Jesus comes closer than any human being could ever come.
I get it when your hard work pays off and you’re able to support yourself and your children without child support.
I get the satisfied tiredness that comes at the end of a work week when you do payroll, and still have enough for your bills even when rent is high and groceries are out of this world.
I get the deep appreciation for your friends who get the fact that you don’t have time to spare even when you’d love to have them over—because just getting to sit on your couch with coffee feels like vacation.
I get the gratefulness mingled with frustration when you spend too much money on Dr. visits, trying to get well again after burning out from years of emotional trauma.
I get the joy of hiking hours into the wilds so you can be in touch with something bigger than yourself.
I get the deep friendships that form when others join your steep adventures and everyone talks non-stop about all of life while the legs burn upward before eyes rest on majestic views that defy every pain you’ve ever felt.
I get the gratefulness of those moments when pain melts into oblivion, even just for a few minutes as something better takes over your mind.
I get the deep appreciation for those friends who send their husbands over to fix your broken sinks and change the tire on your son’s bike. Woman to woman, it’s their way of saying, “I got your back” and they’ll never know how much it means to us.
I get the joy over small things, because joy is a gift and you feel it coming, coming, coming as it used to be—though now, it is richer, fuller, and better because it is not dependent on another human being.
I get it that you’re grateful for your sorrow because it led you to your joy.
I get it that you felt broken much longer than you wanted, yet realized that your heart broken open absorbed light more than before.
I get the peace that comes from no dependence on relationship for your happiness, and the profound realization that you’re going to be more than okay, not because of a human being but because “The Son of Man has risen with healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and He met you in your tears so He could wipe them away.
I get the wonder that He never left, never became impatient, and always looked at you with love.
I get the realization that you’re His favorite—but so is everyone else around you, and they should all be treated as such, created in the image of God for the glory of God. The realization of your own value collides beautifully with the realization of everyone’s value, and you want the whole world to circle with love, endlessly.
And I truly get it that now, though you love everyone, you no longer trust everyone. You’ve learned to know when you know when someone’s character is solid and they’ve earned trust without trying—because they didn’t need to prove what already was.
You are now the girl reading with new insight this verse: “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)
You live carefully, but courageously. Fear may threaten you, but love will overtake you.
Dear single mom, I get it that the Love of Jesus is now your anchor beyond what you ever knew before, and how, no matter what the future holds, you are set on HIM because you’ve found His love better than any other kind of love.
You are no longer the girl longing for the perfect life; you are now the girl held with perfect love in a very imperfect world.
“But to you who fear My name, the Son of Righteousness shall rise with healing in His wings.”
I remember when I had a decision to make of staying on the west coast or moving my four children to the east, closer to family and away from the greatest tragedy of our lives.
I stalled for months. When it comes to big decisions, how does one know?
I know I’m not the only one who has difficulty feeling confident with major decision making. But especially as an Amish girl, taught to serve, obey, and submit my will to men, I really wasn’t prepared to face the world when I grew older.
Decision making threw me into a panic. But I’ve learned some things since then that I’d love to share with you because they’ve brought me such peace.
1. You can’t always wait to make a decision until all your fears or questions are gone.
Sometimes God leads you to move into something in spite of questions or fears. As with the case for moving my children from Washington state to North Carolina, all I knew was that something needed to change and we needed help. So, I put my faith in Jesus and decided to put in a legal request and trust that God’s will would manifest in the court’s decision.
The day our lawyers fought like cats and dogs over mine and the children’s future was stressful enough to put me into bed for a few hours. The court session ended with no answers except that the judge would keep looking into the situation and get back to us. I waited for days, then suddenly picked up the phone to my attorney’s voice, “Sara, you can move.”
One sentence changed everything.
I still didn’t feel confident but trusted that God knew all things. In the next three weeks I packed up our 3400 square foot home, sold most of our belongings, cleaned out the large shop building, purchased plane tickets, and made the arrangements online to move into a rental we had never seen, in an area where we knew only one other family.
As my therapist always said, “Desperate times call for desperate measures.”
See this—my confidence had to shift from my own fallible self to a good Father God who knew all things and watched over us night and day.
Two years later I see what God saw all along. I’m sitting here smiling, realizing how He was putting pieces together for a better life, long before I knew. He led us to the right church, people, places, and things.
Always remember that courage is not the absence of fear; courage is moving forward in spite of fear. So if there’s a decision to make today, lean into it and make the best one you know how to make. Trust God to fill in any gaps you don’t see, just as you do for your own children.
Move carefully, but always make sure that you’re not giving in to paralysis from analysis.
We can paralyze ourselves from moving into God’s will for us because we’re so afraid of being out of His will. There’s a much better way to live—a way of confidence even while questions remain. Sometimes it takes moving forward to make the cowardly fear slink back into the shadows while the peace of God becomes stronger and stronger.
Immobility can cause even greater havoc in our circumstances or our hearts. Yet, we stay immobile out of fear because we’re so afraid of doing the wrong thing. Interesting, is it not? Satan loves to get us huddled in fear and sorrow when we could be moving in light and joy. Seeing the goodness and grace of God sets us free from immobilizing fear.
2. If the decision to make involves right or wrong, and you’re not sure what is right, look at scripture first.
Feelings are fallible, our minds can trick us, and people can lead us wrongly. But God’s written Word brings light from heaven that will never change or leave.
I was listening to a podcast in my car one day, sent to me by someone who wanted me to believe something was right, when suddenly a car in front of me swerved left with these words on the bumper, “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”
In that moment I realized that I couldn’t base my personal convictions off any preacher or person’s interpretation of scripture, but on scripture itself. I ended up realizing how “off” the speaker was and how I could not embrace what he taught. And as time went by I found increasing peace in what scripture plainly taught because I put God’s word above all human opinions of His word.
God may use dreams, a sense of personal peace, other people, pastors and speakers to help us determine His will. But His will is never opposing scripture. If someone differs from scripture or your own feelings differ from scripture, always fall back on the Word of God and require your feelings to subject themselves to God.
Don’t listen to people who say, “God would never require that of you.” The truth is, God does sometimes lead us down difficult paths. His way is narrow and He does ask hard things of His children sometimes. But He’s there to carry us along and we find His peace better than any easier way of our own.
In this way, you build a foundation that will never be shaken. Feelings change, people’s opinions vary—but the Word of God stands forever.
“Everyone then who hears these words of Mine and does them, will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock.
And the rains fell and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock.” (Matthew 7:24&25)
I love and appreciate the fact that I am no slave to my own opinion or feelings. God’s will always sets me free to live a full and abundant life when my own emotions would take me down or lead me into things not lining up to the best life He has for me.
God is always freedom. Saying yes to His will can only bring you upward and onward.
3. Never stay stuck in a place of fear.
Immobility and isolation is one of Satan’s greatest tactics. But when God is at work, things move, change, and bring us into community with others.
I want us to know that putting God in a box is degrading the magnitude of Christ. When Christians hold to standards not found in the Word of God, they do not allow God to move as He’s able.
With Christ, there is wisdom but there are no boxes. If two young Christians decide to join a Christian dating app, rather than freak out, pray for them. When a seemingly positive answer comes along, help them process. Do away with the “Thou shalt nots” (unless it’s in the Bible), and replace them with a constant anticipation of watching God do something for the good of those He loves.
The shift in thinking is life giving to all those around you but immediate and swift judgment and standards on things Christ doesn’t even bother mentioning is oppressive to everyone around you.
Many, many Christians exercise control out of fear. The “will of God” becomes an excuse to push people away, create boxes, draw lines, and limit a magnificent Christ Who loves to work wonders in many different ways.
Mobilize yourself into love and keep an open mind to watching God at work in ways you didn’t expect or think of as “normal”.
And remember to back everything up to the Word of God. His no is not deprivation, but always an invitation to a better yes!
When you see all God says yes to, you can easily surrender when He says no. But if you’re immobile out of fear, you will be missing out on the goodness of God and in that way, fall more easily into wrong posture of heart or even sin.
Creating our own boxes keeps us in a box where we don’t see God move and are incapable of living His true will. There, we fall prey to unbelief, fear, depression, and judgment. All the while, God is moving in circles of LIGHT, LIFE, and LOVE where He invites us to join Him as we step out of fear and into His heart.
Stay when He tells you to stay, but remember that, even as you stay, He will move you into good. God is always on the move.
When your circumstances don’t change, remember that God is moving to change your heart. And a heart changed by a moving, loving, intimate Father God is the greatest move of all.
Stay in Grace, release control, have courage in spite of fear, and lean heavily into Jesus where all is grace.
I’m the first to say that I don’t like most clique Christian quotes thrown at hurting people in an effort to “help” them.
“Jesus is enough” to someone who’s lonely.
“You’ll see him again one day” to some one who’s grieving a death or miscarriage.
“Be content” to a mother who desperately needs a bigger house.
Or, the famous “Repent of your lack of joy” when tears keep flowing for “too long”.
But what is too long, and why is healing so often delayed?
I’d love to take a look inside the world of sorrow, where joy is a window carved into dark walls, feeling far out of reach to someone whose world has gone up in flames hot enough for smoke to keep billowing into the atmosphere for months and years, affecting the very air they breathe on a daily basis.
I’d love to talk with the person who wakes in despair no matter the amount of Bible verses you tell yourself to believe.
And I’d love to address the sudden frustration you may experience when others speak into your situation with no experience and a few pat quotes to “get you moving along to healing”.
You might feel guilty that you’re not acquainted with the reality imposed on you by those verses. To top it off, you may feel angry by another assuming you needed to hear words that seem so far out of reach. OR, you may feel only despair because you don’t know how to experience what they’re talking about.
I’m here to tell you that those words are not out of reach, and your right as a child of God is to experience them in the deepest recesses of your soul.
Hope, life, healing, and actual joy—how does that sound?!
I’d like to share a few things on how to get there, if that’s okay. Because I absolutely know how you’re feeling right now, and I’d love to breathe hope into you as others did into me.
1. The Christian church often denies humanity in its efforts to attain spirituality.
How about this, instead?
Rather than being in denial of our humanity, we invite Jesus into our humanity.
We weren’t created to deny the truth of our loneliness; we were made to invite Jesus into our loneliness.
We weren’t asked to stuff grief into some inner box while we paste on a “holy” smile at church; we were invited to watch Jesus weep with us, and find comfort in mutual tears. Remember how He wept with Mary and Martha, standing by the tomb before calling Lazarus from the dead?
And in our quest for contentment, we weren’t told to deny that we have needs; rather, Jesus invites us to ASK Him for what we need.
Rather than push our needs away, we are invited to bring Jesus into those needs.
2. Forcing needs to the back burner deprives us of bringing Jesus to the forefront of our lives.
I don’t have much more to say except that the shift in thinking is vital to healing.
Spiritualizing or denying needs makes us more needy because we lock Jesus out when we deny how much we need Him IN.
Acknowledging our grief, loneliness, pain makes us fully aware that we need Jesus to be with us.
This brings us to one of those clique quotes: “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
I beg to disagree! My life was far too much for me to handle. I recognized that as joy threatened to disappear entirely. I begged and asked, cried and prayed—and God came with His beautiful, beautiful presence inside of me.
There are no words for the beautiful presence of Jesus. When you experience Him, there is no one Who could take His presence. Then, when you’re tempted with something, you’ll turn away because your greatest fear is no longer deprivation, it is living without the presence of God.
God replaces deprivation with invitation.
For several years, I asked God for joy. Day spun onto weary day as I did the next thing, trying to find the presence of God to be enough. And as I recognized that I was not enough, I was forced to lean so hard on Jesus, my weight on Him proving that He wouldn’t crash along with everything else in my life. That fact alone drew me to His heart more, more, and more until I was blown away by His good, good presence within me.
The other day I did a short video on finding joy in plan B. I wished I could have explained the hope I felt after living with debilitating grief.
Because when I speak about HEALING, I am speaking about GRIEF.
Grief invites Grace.
Loneliness invites company.
Pain invites Healing.
Let me ask you this: Why can people like Joni Erickson Tada find abundant life?
Because she learned to reckon with a paralyzed body and face her grief over it. Something devastating led her to look to Some One for deliverance.
He did it for me; He did it for her; and He will do it for YOU.
Single working moms all know the feeling of dread as they walk out the door for work when all they want to do is enjoy spring break with their children.
You’ll hop onto social media after work has completely sapped your energy and see photos of other moms taking their kids to the zoo, mountains, or beach. It can’t help but sting just a little.
But I’m here to let you know that you’re not alone, and speak to you what God spoke to me–that I cannot always fill in the gaps, that I was not created to have that ability, and I needed to trust God to do what I could not do.
Struggling to fill in what only another can do can bring us to endless anxiety and stress. So to single moms—God never intended for you to be the perfect dad, to be able to do everything with the children that he could do, to give your children everything they would have with a faithful father.
God simply wants you to find Him in plan B, just as you are.
What does that look like?
1. Keep looking for ways to integrate good into the lives of your children, even if it might look different than it did in plan A.
This might look like having your little boy read chapters in the Bible while you head to work and big sister watches him. Maybe he can call or text you to tell you what he’s learned. (Gabb watches or phones are perfect, safe options for this type of thing!)
Satan wants us to throw in the towel and give up rather than look for alternatives. You can spit back at him a little by remaining undaunted and undeterred when it comes to bringing God’s word to your children. Rather than feeling the need to make sure your life looks a certain way, keeping making JESUS look a certain way to your children. And when you can, pull them onto the couch at night for some Bible reading and prayer. I truly believe that mothers are responsible to bring Jesus to their children in whatever way they are able!
2. Whenever possible, help your children push forward.
This might look like telling your teen that she can do it. The smile on my daughter’s face when she finished day one of orientation for a job that had her so freaked out she almost gave up, made it so worth it. I was so proud of her for driving through a storm hours away to join a team older than herself, learn software that was confusing and complicated to her, and push through in spite of her fear. Her words at the end of the day, “Mom, you helped me succeed. You didn’t let me fail.”
Fatherless children often face greater amounts of anxiety and fear as they grow up to be independent. Be there for them, support them, show them you believe in them. If need be, push them toward what they want to give up on. And if you have a resistant child, love him/her and keep speaking truth. Pray in faith and give your anxiety to God. Expect a war for your child, but know you are on the winning side as you align yourself with God’s character.
3. Reiterate this often: You are not a victim, I am not a victim, WE ARE NOT VICTIMS; WE ARE CONQUERORS.
Mothers, you can weep before your children without wavering in the fact that you are a conqueror. Be honest and real; let them see your true feelings from time to time. But then, get back up and do the next right thing. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. The day might be long and difficult, everyone might be exhausted and grumpy—but let them watch you push forward.
And the next morning, take the remote and turn on worship music as they get up. The sun will rise, a new day with new mercies.
4. Grow in grace with God and with people.
Shed your garbage. Say yes to God! When you feel the Spirit nudging you about gossip, over eating, impatience, self pity—you name it—we all know what things we need to shed. Saying yes to God clears your soul, and the rewards are far greater than the cost.
Recently I’ve sensed the presence of Jesus in me so powerfully it almost felt as if my heart was physically expanded. Goodness and grace flowed into my soul, and I realized as never before how faithful God is to single mothers. Our circumstances may not change, but putting Him first changes our hearts.
Out of our own powerful experiences with the God of heaven, we then have wisdom and authority to speak of Him to our children in tangible ways. What satan meant for evil is turned into good, and again, we spit back at hell just a little.
5. Don’t be afraid.
Hard experiences don’t have to make us hard. Accept what is so you can keep your heart soft for what will be. A soft heart is mold-able, pliable, and grace filled. Difficult things can lead us so close to the Divine because we are forced to run, run, run into His arms. There, we find that was the best place to be all along.
I want to say this to you again—don’t be afraid. Single moms have war to wage but in the process, they gain heaven.
On this side of eternity, I’m here for you–and you are not alone.
As before, throwing a book launch party this month had me terrified. I can write and speak, but marketing is another story.
(Yeah. There it is. You’ll probably never find me in multi-level marketing because the thought of trying to sell stuff sends me into a panic. I’d rather hug someone than try to convince them to buy something.)
But God was asking me to push through, trust Him, and do the thing. So I did, and He came through with all the right friends for all the help I needed. Amazing how we’re all good at different things and how wonderful it is to just be ourselves and do what we’re good at with rest and grace over it.
So here’s just a little spin on the new book:
Being a third born child in a family of ten children had me well acquainted with taking care of babies, and I entered the mothering world eagerly. There was little adjustment to having my own babies because I had helped my mother take care of my younger siblings for as long as I could remember.
I was going to do just what she did: home school, always be a stay at home mom, and be my daughters’ best friends even in their teen years.
I drove an old mini van so I could afford to be a stay at home mother. I home schooled, and did the whole bake-your-own-everything kind of lifestyle. And I loved my children like none other.
Then, my world fell apart. The years of doing everything “right” had to be replaced for a trust in the only One who is always right.
After years of turmoil, my husband had packed his bags, driven away, then pursued a romantic relationship with a sixteen year old girl only a year older than our daughter. There are no words for the turmoil this placed on my children, nor for the after math of devastation on all our lives.
I went to work and the children went to public school. They reeled, I struggled—but we survived, and we learned, and we knew that, though life can be altered by another, it can never be destroyed by another.
In the past three years I’ve told my children many times over, “No one can ruin your life except you. You have the strength to get back up and live a beautiful life.”
I had to hold them while they cried, face their deep hurt and anger when it erupted, and drive many hours to counseling sessions.
After a few years of struggle, I made a move from the west coast to the east, landing in the dead of night in a major airport with myself and the children to start life over in an area where we knew one other family, settled into a house we had never seen, and started searching google for maps to the closest schools and grocery stores. Covid- 19 hit right afterward, and the rest is history.
Along with my children, I struggled to survive until I was set free from the grief that would have destroyed me.
There, I learned all about Grace.
There, I learned that Jesus wants to be trusted more than we trust certain methods.
There, my eyes opened wide to the fact that God was moving in all kinds of places and people—and that the answers are not the same for every mother.
Home school was no longer an idol.
I bought food rather than made it.
And Jesus became altogether lovely in the face of tragedy.
Regardless of your circumstance, I invite you to gaze with me into the face of Jesus Christ, Who alone can bring life into your car while you drive the children to school, or wait with them for the bus, or teach them at your kitchen table.
Jesus wants to be everything for us mothers.
Parts of this book were written while I was in one world, and parts of it written while I was in another. Jesus Christ met me in both. He steadied me in both. He taught me that grief and gratitude are friends, interlaced, working together with one purpose—to behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world and overcomes the affects of it, as well.
And He comes to each of you, inviting you to overwhelming peace in a life not your own. The Son of Man will always rise over everything that goes down.
It remains then, that your greatest need as a mother is not a perfect method, but a deep understanding of a Perfect Master.
As Eric Gilmore so beautifully says, “Jesus Christ is greater than His gifts, more wonderful than His wonders, and more precious than His promises.”
It’s weird how we can sit in cafes or walk streets, expecting everyone to be kind, even though most are complete strangers to each other.
We all just kinda know how humans are supposed to treat each other.
Most of us wouldn’t be too impressed with someone yelling at a customer or someone receiving a favor without saying thank you or showing appreciation of some sort.
We’d probably wrinkle up our noses and be happy we can walk on. Some people are just yuck and make us glad we don’t have to be around them.
And if someone continuously criticized a friend, that friend would probably either confront the problem, or quit hanging out as much.
Negative actions usually cause negative responses.
But, this simple principal seems to be forgotten by many spouses. So I’m writing from my heart here, and just asking this:
1. Do you ignore your spouse—yet get hurt when you’re not pursued?
2. Do you avoid conflict—yet remain bothered that your spouse doesn’t know how you really feel about something?
3. Do you continually give negative or correctional responses when your spouse shares an idea or simply vents his/her feelings—yet get hurt when they close off and don’t want to talk?
4. Do you avoid helping out—yet carry a grudge when your spouse doesn’t help as much as you want him/ her to help out?
5. Do you ignore them when they speak—yet feel hurt when they don’t look at you when they speak, but choose to focus on another person in the room?
6. Do you make your dislike of them known—yet become hurt when they don’t pursue you in the bedroom?
7. Do you treat them as little more than a room mate—yet complain when they don’t date you well on special events?
I’d like to call attention to the fact that people often treat strangers better than their own spouses. Strangers who may be a million times worse than your spouse, strangers with whom you have no connection—hear this carefully—are getting better treatment from some of you than your spouses are getting.
That very stranger would keep distance if you treated him/her as you treat your spouse. Withdrawing to avoid more pain is a natural response of the human heart.
There’s a story of a man who greatly disliked his wife and went to get counsel. His therapist told him that he could divorce her after three months IF he tried the following recommendation first.
He was to go home and treat her as if he genuinely LIKED her.
We can picture what this meant. Smiles, kind words, acts of service, hanging out, and all the things we do with our best friends.
His therapist waited in vain for the man call, then finally called him. He was ecstatic. “I treated her as if I liked her, and everything changed”
You better believe there was no divorce for that couple! Simple, basic human kindness and dignity re-ignited their love when it would have otherwise been snuffed right out and the courts would have seen one more broken couple filing divorce papers while their children’s eyes take on a whole other look than the care-free, joyful ones they previously had.
So I’m here to say to every unhappy spouse who is married to a faithful, albeit imperfect, person: Just take a big, bold dare to love them, and show it. This can be the bravest thing you do. And sometimes, this dare to actively show love does more than many hours in a counselor’s office.
(To those who’ve tried this and nothing changed, please know that loving is something we do because we’re connected to God more than because we’re connected to our spouse. Sometimes, loving well doesn’t change a drastic need in a spouse. In those cases, we simply do what God asks us to do, then leave the rest. We are not responsible to change another; we are responsible to love well, then trust God with the results.)
Remember this–we love because God loved us first. Loving well is something every person does who sees the value God places on each human being.
Loving well is not optional when we see the great love God gives us personally. Loving well is part of our own dignity, character, and value. In Christ, it is who we are. Someone else’s character cannot rob us of God’s character and grace within us.
Treat your spouse as well or better than you treat your best friends, and watch what happens! If you know what it takes to stay a friend to someone, please know it takes the same kind of thing to create a happy marriage where both of you find the companionship you crave.
Women of Purpose 