Purposeful Living – Page 2 – Women of Purpose

She’s Not My Type

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

Am I your type of person…….TYPE??

Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!

The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.

“Turns out they just were not my type.”

“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”

“I can’t believe I am not their type!”

We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?

Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.

The list:

If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.

Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.

The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.

Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.

-Blonde

-Hot

-In good shape

-Good cook

-Loves Jesus

-Good with finances

-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)

-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)

-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)

-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)

-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)

-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)

Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.

Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.

Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.

-A PURE MAN OF GOD!

-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn

-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle

-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome

-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet

-Already great with kids and loves her kids

-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region

-A musician who can sing to her

-A good dancer too, because that would be fun

How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.

These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.

So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.

How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).

We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.

When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.

Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.

I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.

First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.

I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.

-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.

-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.

-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t

-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.

My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.

My encouragement to those who read this are two things.

First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)

The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.

By Johnny Davis

Dating–What About “the One”?

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

If there is something that can feel more uncomfortable at times sitting in the church than being a “sinner”, it’s sitting in a church being single.

There are all sorts ot ideologies going around regarding Christian dating. What makes it harder is the Bible says a lot about marriage, but barely anything about how to get there.

What is the answer then?

Should we kiss dating goodbye and wait for the angelic encounter to tell us that cutie who sits in the front by the alter is “the one”?

Maybe forget it all and as long as the person can say Jesus and breathes oxygen, it’s go time?

These are humorous, over-exaggerated version of the two common mindsets I tend to see the most. Over spiritualize the dating process or just date any person we are slightly attracted to.

I do not have my doctorate in human emotion. I don’t have a 50 year successful marriage to use to show my experience.

I have, however, in a journey of self betterment, learned from my mistakes. I have watched and learned by other’s mistakes. I have sought teaching from various programs, podcasts and teachings. A combination of all the above create the thoughts and lessons I share.

Dating is such a big topic. It would take more than a blogpost or even a book of them to fully cover everything in the topic of dating. We will just start with an opening discussion.

So, let’s talk about dating in the church!

The “one” is a concept we’ve all heard about. That one person in the world who is our perfect match. Countless childhood Disney princess movies (before attacks start, I am a big Disney fan myself) and all those romantic movies where the couple meet and are just perfect for each other. The stuff of our dreams.

This somehow has become very prevalent in the church as well. Many conversations and prayers using the term “the one” all over the place. Now there are stories of married couples who have encounters with God that seem to prove they were meant for each other. Though if we get mathematical, that would be likely 1% of Christian married couples.

I read this quote that I really enjoy about “the one” on a podcast. When asking a married couple when they knew that they had found “the one”, this is what they said, “I knew I had found the one when I was standing at the alter saying ‘I do’.”

I can hear wrong when I feel like God is leading me somewhere. We’ve likely all felt called to do something and had it not turn out the best. We realize, oh maybe we heard wrong. Maybe we listened to a voice other than God. If we can hear wrong in the small things, why would it be any different in the major life decisions?

Marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the church. If we look through that lens and try to apply ”the one” mindset, there is a big issue.

God created us with free will; we have to choose him. In the same way, God did not force his only Son to die for humanity. Christ choose to die for our sins. He chose to be our redemption.

In the same way, when we pursue marriage, it’s not because it is the only person God put on the earth to be with. Marriage is supposed to be a choice. A beautiful choice that you don’t just make once, but you choose everyday for the rest of your life. Christ died for our sins. Not just for the days we whole heartedly love him. He chooses us even on the days when we act as if we couldn’t care less about him.

What’s the point? I feel the mindset of “the one”, though a beautiful idea, can also take away the responsibility of the choice we make when we pursue marriage. If we are basing this choice on what we feel is “God’s will”, then what happens if we are wrong? Do we just brush it off as we must have heard wrong? As much of the Disney dreamer as I am, when we over-spiritualize the dating process, it can lead to so many bad outcomes that can be prevented.

So what does that mean for dating in the church? It means we should have and put more value on a dating process.

I can already hear the nails on the chalk board sound of someone saying “I don’t date, I court”. This, of course, being the belief the world has so poisoned the term dating, so we make up our own thing and call it courting. We think it’s very different and so much better.

In courting we:

-only pursue someone we intend to marry

-we always have parents and leaders opinions heavily involved

-We only hang out in groups and public places.

There is probably more I could say on that. I’m not trying to offend any “courting” fans out there, trust me. Though I will say your “courting” is still just your own version of dating.

Dating has been around before the yeet generation, before the radio was filled with rap songs bragging how many ladies a rapper could get, and before the explosion of boy bands. Your parents dated, your grandparents dated.

If I ask you how to cook food, what would you say? Would it involve a stove top? A frying pan? Well, I once had someone cook something for me using a stove top and frying pan and it was awful. It made me super sick. Using a frying pan on a stove top is cooking that didn’t work out, so now I don’t cook food, I “prepare food” and only use the oven. Sound silly? Of course! Cooking is more than just how one person or even multiple people do it. In fact, I’d dare to say we all have our own quirks when we cook.

Dating is not defined by how any certain group does it. We will all take the journey of dating in our own unique way. We will take things that benefit and help us, while also finding things that we could try to do to better. This will have input from those we trust as well as past experiences to create something unique to us.

Here are some of things I’ve come to realize about how we need to change how we look at dating in the church

-it’s great to date with intention to marry, but to put the pressure of marriage in the beginning stages of dating is just unrealistic. You actually have to spend some time dating someone to know if this is someone you want to marry

-its important to have input in our dating process from people we trust, but we can not just copy and paste someone’s dating journey and apply it to our lives. Those people have their own lives, trauma, likes, dislikes, etc that creates their journey. Some things may work great, some may actually be more of a hinderance. It’s our job to craft our dating journey ourselves.

-The cute guy/girl who you keep wanting to stand by in the prayer circle– they are much deeper than the person they are at the church events or hangouts. You won’t and shouldn’t know how they fit you in a dating sense just by being at those events. It’s going to take deep conversations. Seeing them outside the church walls, outside the groups. People who seem the most amazing, anointed, put together folks in the church, can be absolute disasters (I say lovingly) outside it. On the other side of that coin, some of the most amazing people in the church won’t show it until you spend more time with them where they feel they can fully be themselves.

Quick story that shows this well. I have a amazing friend who is like a sister to me. I always talk about how proud I am of her anytime I get, to the point where I think it’s started to lose it’s value. Anyways, she called me one day to tell me a boy from our friend group liked her. She asked what she should do. I asked her if she liked him at all. She had never thought about it and was not sure. I asked if she had ever hung out with him outside of church events. Turns out she had not. She really didn’t know too much about him. She knew he was a very nice guy but not much else. I would dare say he may not have even fit her normal mold of what she thought she was looking for. So I suggested she try hanging out with him one on one before she made any decisions. Turns out, luckily, a few others suggested the same. So she did. It was maybe a week later before she called me again saying how he is the most incredible man she has ever met and she is so in love with him.

She didn’t have this angelic encounter when she first saw him. She was not convinced she was gonna marry that boy (though he may have had his fingers crossed it would happen). Yet at the same time she didn’t just take the little she knew from seeing him at church or group events to form a opinion on if he could be someone she could see herself with. She decided to get to know him, really get to know him on a personal level to see if there was anything there. I could go on and on about this but I’ll save that for another time.

They are now happily married and I will never stop bringing up around her how she was not sure at first but then after doing the simple thing of taking time to see what was there beyond the obvious things she saw in church Sunday gatherings, she now has found the absolute love of her life. You just never know, good and even bad, what is really there until you’ve done the research.

So, be safe of course, take small steps if needed at first. Value your friends’ and mentor’s opinions. Start getting to know people and see the truth, good or bad, before making a decision on how datable or marry-able they are. Don’t put pressures on your dating journey that need not be there. In fact. in the beginning, don’t put that pressure of marriage on anyone. Get to know them (with healthy boundaries) and go from there.

For more on this topic, check out:

https://www.be-salt.com/spiritual-impact

I hope this was able to help someone on their dating journey.

Sincerely,

Johnny Davis, Youth and Young Adults Leader

What is Love?

This morning for breakfast, my twelve year old son handed me a plate of scrambled eggs splattered in ketchup. The food was delicious, though not pretty—but that was beside the point.

I deliberately asked him to cook breakfast while I was having quiet time by the fire, because I want to raise boys who are gentlemen and readily step up when their future wife needs something—or doesn’t need something. My boys will know how to cook eggs and scrub bathrooms long before they leave the house.

But eggs weren’t the greatest thing on my mind as I sat by the fire. The Lord was nailing a spirit of abandonment in my soul and I was asking Him for answers, humbling myself before my online heart work course, and going deep into what was sticking onto me from previous years.

I remembered the time I was six years old when grandma yelled at my father for moving us a few states over to another Amish community. I remembered losing my friends and my parents having to sit at another table to eat when we went back for visits.

I remembered a close repeat at fourteen years old when my parents got their first car and turned on light switches in the house. We lost all our friends overnight.

I remembered the day divorce papers showed up at my door and the lady’s eyes welled up in tears as she handed them over and saw my ashen face.

It wasn’t long before I was crying as memories came flashing through my mind, but the fire was warm, and my Bible was with me. And just as clearly as the Lord nailed my problem, He gave me the solution.

That’s what He does, always. There’s never a nailing of the problem without Him providing a hammer to nail that problem into the dirt where it belongs.

It came so clearly. “Sara, there was never a moment when you were not perfectly loved.”

Like warm oil on a bitter wound, the Holy Spirit was there to heal what He revealed. Peace I cannot describe flooded my soul as I received the Father’s love.

I was perfectly loved when my husband’s eyes were on other women.

I was perfectly loved when he packed his bags and dated a sixteen year old girl.

I was perfectly loved when I was handed divorce papers.

I never needed to dye my hair a different color or compete with women in magazines.

There was never a moment when I was not already perfectly loved.

I’m not the only one who has had to work through trauma and I knew I had to share this healing with my sisters. I want all of us to think of the worst times of our lives and realize, then and now, that no person can undo the perfect love of Jesus in any of those moments.

Sit with Jesus and remember when you were abandoned or rejected. Allow Him to let you know that in those very moments, His perfect love was right there. He wasn’t saying or doing what the human in front of you was doing.

I went to work with absolute peace, and when my client asked if I wanted Thai food, I was relaxed enough to accept it. During lunch, we got to talk about death, salvation, and Jesus. I’d been praying often for this man because it’s not easy to watch a man die of cancer who has yet to accept Christ.

Perfect peace was over me all afternoon and allowed me to listen to his thoughts on religion, respectfully, and even agree with some of them. I had nothing to defend accept the love of God. In the right moments, the Holy Spirit was almost tangible as I shared with him the absolute peace I’ve found in surrender and trust with Jesus even though life has been difficult.

He used to be an apologist and knew everything about all religions, it seemed. But because I was filled with God’s love for my own soul, I relaxed and felt no pressure to convince him, only a deep desire to share with him the love I’d found. I didn’t pretend death wasn’t scary—there’s a reason death is called a valley and shadow—but I spoke of peace that could be greater than any fear of death.

He listened, and wept, then said he enjoyed our talk. “It only takes a moment of surrender,” I told him. “Surrender– even your questions.”

Pad Thai is always delicious but I walked away with most of it still in the box.

It’s odd how the Lord brought me this waited for opportunity when I was at rest. If I hadn’t rested my soul that morning, I would likely have declined lunch. Or, accepted it but felt more pressure to convince him rather than sit with him.

The Holy Spirit does what He does when He’s already living and active inside of us. And sometimes, we have to face the greatest deaths of our lives to experience the greatest love of our souls.

It wasn’t easy to remember all those things this morning. But sisters, whatever God’s revealing, He’s intent on healing. He will only open your pain so He can heal your wound.

If you find yourself performing for love, remember that every single moment, you’ve always been loved.

Today, I try to stay fit because I want to be healthy and feel good about myself.

I sing because I love to worship.

I write because that’s what writers do.

I decorate my house because homemaking is a happy, worthy thing.

Do what you do because you are already perfectly loved, and certain behavior is becoming for a daughter of the King. Take care of your body because staying fit and healthy is honoring to yourself and to your womanhood. Live well because that’s what a princess does.

Being perfectly loved means we’ll want to live as if we are. It doesn’t mean accepting every flaw and continuing to live unhealthy lives. Perfect love changes us. Perfect love takes us to better. Perfect love allows us to toss the ugly and live the beautiful.

The more you see how loved you already are, the more you’ll do all the things you wished you did, but can’t bring yourself to do. Because at the end of the day, God doesn’t order us with rules, He wins us with His love. That, sisters, is the difference between religion and relationship.

The man spoke of a preacher who rejected him for sin, yet was having a homosexual affair on his wife. “This is not Jesus,” I told him. “Because the Holy Spirit is inside me, there are certain things He compels me not to do, but it’s all out of love.”

He nodded. He understood. Creator God cannot be compared to creation who is not choosing God.

The gift always has been and always will be perfect love.

For this gift, Jesus Christ gets my service and adoration til the end of time, and then, for all eternity.

Merry Christmas because He lives!

And Merry Christmas because every single moment, you’ve always been perfectly loved.

All is Grace,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 3

Recently a mom asked me to write about practical tips for staying healthy and feminine in a busy life style. I told her I’d be happy to do so, because this is an important and fun topic for Christian women, but it seems only a few (and especially one) aspect of Godly femininity is usually mentioned and taught.

There is so much more to a truly beautiful woman. Godly beauty starts inwardly, yet shows itself outwardly.

Many Christian women read 1 Timothy 2:9 and interpret the Greek word used for “modest” as covering themselves appropriately. We are taught from an early age not to show too much skin and to cover our bodies in public. But I want to say, this is only part of the meaning of modesty.

“….Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” 1 Timothy 2:9

KJV translates the word for modest with this: “orderly; that is, decorous; of good behavior, modest”

Though I believe appropriately covering our bodies is important, it is difficult to argue that this is the primary meaning of the Greek word “kosmios”. Rather, I see that God wants us to wear clothing that is pleasing to the eye in a modest manner. We are to take care of our appearance and make sure it is orderly and even decorous. In short, women who are pleasant in their appearance bring glory to God.

The Christian church has focused on “modesty” (their interpretation of modesty) more than on health. I’ve watched the results—many fully covered, unhealthy, unhappy women who are not taught the actual meaning of “kosmios”.

Here are a few things I believe are vital for Godly womanhood:

1. Do what you can to stay healthy.

One of the first steps to spiritual, emotional, and physical health is to keep our weight in check. Buy the weight loss program if you have to. Make it priority—rule over food rather than allow food to rule over you.

Buy a good scale and watch your weight–and if you’re married, do this even while pregnant. “Eating for two” doesn’t mean inhaling two donuts or five pancakes. Double up on the veggies, protein, and vitamins instead, if you need to. If we’re really eating for two rather than eating for ourselves, we’ll be eating in ways that are actually good for our baby and our body. Remember, you’re eating for your baby to form in the healthiest way possible.

The scale is your friend. Use it often and if you see numbers go up, do what it takes to stop the incline before you have serious regrets. This includes while you’re pregnant. If you consume too many empty calories while pregnant, the scale won’t drop easily after the baby is born. (Don’t allow yourself to gain 80 pounds if you only need to gain 40, etc.)

I’m not talking about being a size 2. BUT, I believe women need to encourage each other to stay healthy. Emotionally eating ourselves to ten sizes larger than we should be is not becoming for Godly women. This is a sensitive topic and not one we hear taught, but we need to start hearing it! Physical appearance matters and it affects us more than we know. Let’s not label health and fitness as worldly, but realize this is an area where the church often fails to live exemplary lives. Others look on and wonder why Christians preach against addictions, yet are addicted to over-indulgence with food. Do not all addictions harm the body, and why should teens accept preaching against nicotine from a father or mother who is grossly overweight and literally killing him/herself with sugar?

These are tough questions. But strong women are not afraid to face tough questions. It is high time for us to have worthy answers for those looking on.

Let’s face it—all addictions (not just some) are harmful and unbecoming to Christian women. And often, the more “religious” a group is, the numbers of overweight and unhealthy people increase. Religion labels certain things, but the Spirit of Christ sanctifies ALL things.

2. Exercise.

Getting active is vital for our health as moms. For many years, I pushed two or three babies in a used stroller for my exercise. I walked into town with them, walked around blocks before dinner, pushed them up and down a dusty country road. Wherever we lived, I did what I could with what I could.

Later years allowed for Cross Fit, weights, etc., but even then, the gym was a treat rather than a constant. Busy moms can even get on their living room floor and do leg lifts, crunches, and squats. We can do jumping jacks with our kids and have the best laughs watching them try to co-ordinate their limbs as they jump!

After each of my babies was born, I’d lay on my floor and lift my legs a few inches off the ground to tighten my stomach muscle. The burn and tightness in my abdominal muscles was entirely cost-free, took ten minutes, and could be done with my children all around me. My exercise was incredibly simple some years, but the point was to get moving!

In olden days, a woman’s regular day brought natural effort to their bodies. Scrubbing clothes by hand, hoeing a garden, or walking for water all fostered community and exercise. In today’s world, we can throw laundry into a washer, throw rice into an insta pot, and turn on a faucet for water. The end result is ease but no exercise. So, we have to be intentional about health as never before.

3. Don’t over-spend.

In today’s world, you can wear attractive clothing for only a few dollars. Don’t buy into the lie that it’s okay to walk around looking terrible because you’re a mom and don’t have extra money. Keep yourself fresh and clean, especially if you’re married. (You don’t necessarily need make-up—you just need health, peace, kindness, and good hygiene.

I’ve had very little manicures or pedicures. My hands have callouses and I usually stare wistfully at beautifully maintained finger nails, but I simply don’t have the time or money to spend on pedis and manis. Honestly, I’d rather head to a garden or a barn than into a nail salon, but that’s my Amish farm girl coming out. Those who know me best know I’m happiest out with the animals and dirt, or scaling a mountain.

I buy inexpensive jewelry. When I get compliments I often have to say, “This cost me $5.” I don’t own expensive jewelry and I’m okay with that.

So for those of us who think we can let ourselves go because we don’t have money for a gym membership or clothe purchases, just know that you can purchase a few outfits at Goodwill and work out at home. Even healthy food doesn’t have to be expensive. Be content and be disciplined!!

I put aside the cotton over alls I wanted due to price. I did purchase the $13 Walmart dress. Choices like these help us manage both our wallets and appearance!

4. Let go of the lie that in order to be pleasantly dressed you have to be into the latest fashion.

Truth is, I dislike some of the latest fashions and the other truth is, I don’t want to spend money being up to par with all of that. BUT, I do study clothing and body shapes. Some of us look terrible in what others look great in. Some things are appropriate for one body shape but too revealing for another. Whatever the case, I’ve found joy in a simple approach to clothing where I ponder what looks good or doesn’t look good, yet am not a slave to keeping up with all the latest fads.

We are not Hollywood actresses or fashion models—but hear me carefully, Christian women—our physical appearance is important when it comes to staying healthy and knowing how to dress.

Our bodies are not our own and are to glorify Christ. He is all goodness and love. Do people feel inspired when they look at us?

5. Don’t gain attention by showing too much skin.

Real women don’t have to show everything in order to know they are worth more than anything. Be beautiful, but keep your sexuality for the bedroom. When in public, have class and dignity about you that attracts appreciation and respect more than whistles and leers from player men.

A truly beautiful woman is a faithful woman who loves her husband and strives to be his best friend.

And if I can put a word in for swim wear, here: girls, some of your bikinis aren’t even bikinis anymore. If you’re okay with wearing one, at least cover your bum. Enough said. 🙂

6. Skin Care.

I’m not rigorous about the perfect skin care routine, but it is important to put at least moisturizer on your face twice a day. Wash and care for your skin. Take daily showers, especially if you’re married. The beauty of a woman is the cleanliness of a woman more than the expense spent on a woman. In other words, a healthy, clean woman is often more attractive than an unhealthy woman who spends hundreds of dollars each month to doll herself up.

So don’t stress about skin. You can go as easy as a natural coconut oil if you like. Most of us can’t afford dermatology or expensive skin care and that’s okay! Health comes from the inside out which means what you put into your body affects your skin.

And as you age, forget about getting as tan as you can in summer. Protect your skin more than you used to, to avoid brown spots and leathery skin. Especially if you live in the South! Staying tan is difficult in winter anyway, but healthy skin can be enjoyed year round.

7. Embrace Aging.

What is more needed and lovely than a radiant grandma?! I don’t know about you, but I need grandmothers with grey hair, soft arms, and fires burning in their hearth, heart, and homes. I need grandmothers whose bodies may be growing feeble while their hearts burn with wisdom and insight more than ever.

Only a selfish woman who thinks her value comes from youth and outer beauty will fight and kick the aging process. Having this as your focus leaves you empty, with nothing for the soul of others to connect to. Stay healthy, active, and pleasant—but don’t fret the wrinkles! Just smile a little more as you grow older and allow the joy of you to override the aging of you.

7. Worship.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman who worships her way through life. Honor God by worshiping Him through your tears. Truly thank Him for the joys of life. Be a thousand times grateful for the one time critical or negative.

Remember that your soul can be beautiful regardless of who or what is around you. What atmosphere do others get in your presence? Who are YOU—because who your soul is matters more than what your circumstances are.

Christian woman, remember there is so much more to modesty than what is usually taught. Be a lovely, feminine, attractive person in your soul, and strive to show that in your appearance. Even if you’re a tomboy who hates girly things and finds herself out shooting guns and riding horses—be a real woman and be proud of it!!

“Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”

Psalm 34:5

XO,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 1

I’ll never forget the day I opened up the door to a lady handing me a large yellow envelope.

My throat went dry. “Is this what I think it is?” I asked quietly.

She nodded her head as she studied my face, and tears filled her eyes before she turned and silently walked away.

The day I looked over those complicated divorce papers was the D-Day of my life.

So I’m here to tell you, single mom, that you’re not alone and I get it. For me, you don’t have to appear brave when you need to cry. It’s honestly okay to be a wreck for awhile.

I get the nausea that won’t allow you to eat.

I get eating whatever goes down, when it goes down, even if it’s not nutritious.

I get the sudden survival mode that kicks in for your babes as you start working hard to provide for them.

I get the mom guilt that makes you try to over-compensate for a father’s absence by filling in all the gaps– and I get the resulting exhaustion that makes you love bedtime more than any other time of day.

I get how painful it is when you run to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving and see the girl who replaced you, also out purchasing groceries, for the man you used to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.

I get the struggle of forgiveness and the confusion of what that even looks like when you feel all the tension rise one more time in the face of such oddities.

I get the pain of holidays, where you give up the parties you used to throw—then decide to throw them anyway because you’re finally seeing that life can go on and you can still do the things you love, and your friends love you just as much as before.

I get the angst of your soul as you lift your face to the sky and ask God why. “Why, when I tried so hard to be a good wife, did it not work?”

I get the anger when you see other wives mistreating their husbands and the men still stay. How you’d like to remind them of the good they have, and how that goodness should be rewarded and respected.

I get it when it all seems so unfair.

I get it when you’re suddenly a single person, and other women look at you as a threat rather than a gift– and you’d like to walk around with a T-shirt that says, “I’d die a thousand deaths before I’d hurt any woman the way I’ve been hurt.”

I get it when it’s hard to receive help, and how slowly you learn the absolute necessity of it, how grateful you become for the brothers in law and family who help you unendingly when you need it—-and don’t stop when you tell them you don’t need it because they know better than you do.

But here’s the thing:

I also get it when you start smiling again because Jesus comes closer than any human being could ever come.

I get it when your hard work pays off and you’re able to support yourself and your children without child support.

I get the satisfied tiredness that comes at the end of a work week when you do payroll, and still have enough for your bills even when rent is high and groceries are out of this world.

I get the deep appreciation for your friends who get the fact that you don’t have time to spare even when you’d love to have them over—because just getting to sit on your couch with coffee feels like vacation.

I get the gratefulness mingled with frustration when you spend too much money on Dr. visits, trying to get well again after burning out from years of emotional trauma.

I get the joy of hiking hours into the wilds so you can be in touch with something bigger than yourself.

I get the deep friendships that form when others join your steep adventures and everyone talks non-stop about all of life while the legs burn upward before eyes rest on majestic views that defy every pain you’ve ever felt.

I get the gratefulness of those moments when pain melts into oblivion, even just for a few minutes as something better takes over your mind.

I get the deep appreciation for those friends who send their husbands over to fix your broken sinks and change the tire on your son’s bike. Woman to woman, it’s their way of saying, “I got your back” and they’ll never know how much it means to us.

I get the joy over small things, because joy is a gift and you feel it coming, coming, coming as it used to be—though now, it is richer, fuller, and better because it is not dependent on another human being.

I get it that you’re grateful for your sorrow because it led you to your joy.

I get it that you felt broken much longer than you wanted, yet realized that your heart broken open absorbed light more than before.

I get the peace that comes from no dependence on relationship for your happiness, and the profound realization that you’re going to be more than okay, not because of a human being but because “The Son of Man has risen with healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and He met you in your tears so He could wipe them away.

I get the wonder that He never left, never became impatient, and always looked at you with love.

I get the realization that you’re His favorite—but so is everyone else around you, and they should all be treated as such, created in the image of God for the glory of God. The realization of your own value collides beautifully with the realization of everyone’s value, and you want the whole world to circle with love, endlessly.

And I truly get it that now, though you love everyone, you no longer trust everyone. You’ve learned to know when you know when someone’s character is solid and they’ve earned trust without trying—because they didn’t need to prove what already was.

You are now the girl reading with new insight this verse: “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

You live carefully, but courageously. Fear may threaten you, but love will overtake you.

Dear single mom, I get it that the Love of Jesus is now your anchor beyond what you ever knew before, and how, no matter what the future holds, you are set on HIM because you’ve found His love better than any other kind of love.

You are no longer the girl longing for the perfect life; you are now the girl held with perfect love in a very imperfect world.

“But to you who fear My name, the Son of Righteousness shall rise with healing in His wings.”

Malachi 4:2

Regaining Emotional Clarity with FORGIVENESS (Part Four)

Forgiveness allows the pain in your past to propel you toward the purpose in your future—but only a true understanding of forgiveness can do that. Let’s talk about one of the most misunderstood principals in the Christian world.

I will never glibly tell a betrayed, angry person, “You need to forgive” or “The joy of the Lord is your strength”, or any other Christian quote people like to throw out when they’re uncomfortable with humanity’s mess. I will not say that until I’ve sat with her or him through the hurt of it all.

Jesus was angry.

Jesus cried.

Jesus said it how it was.

Jesus didn’t pretend nothing was wrong when everything was wrong.

Jesus didn’t pretend he wasn’t hurt; He actually experienced hurt on a human level so we could see Him in our own, and take courage.

Get this—the Son of God felt pain. And, He experienced anger so strong that He overturned tables in the temple when He could have just nicely asked religious people to leave.

The pain you feel is a good thing, in that it lets you know something is wrong.

The anger you feel is a good thing, in that it aligns you to the heart of God who is also angry with what has been done to you.

When you feel pain, grief, or anger, don’t run from it. Embrace it, reckon with it, and process it carefully because when you talk to God about your negative emotions, He walks you through them and teaches you a lot in the process.

Reckoning carefully with negative emotions brings us closer to the positive. Many people do the opposite. They shut down and deny negative emotions out of fear and discomfort—but I’m here to assure you that dealing with it all is the only way to clarity.

Seeing my (then) husband ride around town in a big red truck with his sixteen year old girlfriend brought me pain that almost made me numb. Why? Because it was wrong and my heart was letting me know that when it tightened in protest with my emotions.

Many of us run from pain rather than stand before it, asking why it’s there at the moment.

We shove it aside, as if that will make it go away rather than fester and grow.

We try to deny it, as if reality changes with our reckoning of it, or not.

Humanity was created for unity with God, which is all things love, joy, and peace. We are created to react negatively to wrong because we’re created in the image of God with a high propensity for things that line up to the character of God.

We enter the world, eager to experience the best in life, love, and liberty. But a fallen world means there is evil all around us, people with freedom of choice, and sin greater than we can handle in our own strength.

The aftermath of sin can be staggering, life-altering, and painful enough to make one need years to move on.

I don’t believe in clique christian quotes, glibly pouring from mouths who have no idea what it’s like to walk hell on earth. I don’t believe God does everything. I don’t believe in the age old saying of “God will never give you more than you can handle.”

I believe in reckoning with every form of human emotion, head on.

I believe some things are so evil that God most certainly did not do it, cause it, or want it. But because He’s good, He will work in spite of it, through it, and absolutely overcome it.

And, I believe that life does give us more than we can handle. This is when God pulls us toward His strength and we get to experience supernatural grace. A very real depiction of the fact that life is too much for us sometimes, is watching people end up in mental institutions with no where to go but a deteriorating brain because the trauma is too much for them to handle.

Or, watching others grasp hold of divine Grace where God always over-rides trauma and shows us that love wins. We just need to get close to the heart of God and access divine love.

Because God is good, I believe in forgiveness.

Because He heals my heart, I believe in love.

Because He is all Grace, I believe I can get through anything.

In Christ, we are unstoppable.

My (then) husband’s on-going affair with a girl twenty-two years younger than me led me through things I never imagined I’d go through. But it also led me toward other things.

Having everything taken from me allows me to learn that I’m entrepreneural at heart, that I can do business and investments, learn, grow, and ask advice from those more knowledgeable than I.

Having my husband leave opens my eyes to the idol marriage was for me, and sets me free to experience life, love, and grace in spite of the loss.

Forgiveness is a personal choice that sets me free to see beautiful again.

Forgiveness allows something that would have wrecked me to turn into my greatest growth, instead.

True forgiveness doesn’t hide sin, but exposes it and deals with it. Only then can you properly release it.

When you hide or deny what’s been done to you, you keep and hold the event in your heart as something permanent. Bringing it to light allows you to hand it over to the Giver of Light where nothing is hidden and all things will be manifest one day. This process is imperative to keep you on track with your purpose.

Seeing the goodness of God allows me to let go of the depravity of man.

I can forgive my husband. I can forgive the girl I used to mother, right along with my own children. I can forgive them.

I can know there’s a baby coming, and I can withhold bitterness toward the child who will rival my own children’s attention from their father.

Seeing the goodness of God changes everything.

Because I trust God, I can give the situation into God’s hands, knowing that God knows all, sees all, and has wisdom for all circumstances. Giving my ex-husband and his girlfriend into God’s hands allows me to walk away internally and not have to look back for anything.

I don’t have to get revenge. Walking around with a chip on my shoulder is unbecoming to a daughter of the King who knows she is loved and cared for. It is what it is—but God is also who He says He is—and He doesn’t take it lightly when His sons or daughters are trampled on.

I’m in good hands when I’m in the hands of God.

And when I ask myself for the hundredth time, “What does forgiveness look like?”, I can know that Jesus knows what forgiveness looks and feels like when I don’t know.

I still feel angry sometimes.

I still cry sometimes.

But all of it leads me toward grace. Enter your grief and engage your anger for a season, but allow both to pull you toward God where He engages both in a mighty win over death, hell, and everything in between.

Forgiveness allows my pain to propel me toward my purpose. On the other hand, denial would push me into numbness where I would feel no anger, no grief, and—hear this carefully—I would also feel no passion, no pleasure, and no purpose.

Trying to stay righteous by denying anger is the death to true life. You were meant to feel angry over some things. You just can’t allow anger to push you to bitterness. Jesus never asked you to feel no anger; He did ask you not to sin when you’re angry. (Ephesians 4:26)

True holiness never renders a person numb and silent; it always pulls a person toward life and purpose.

As Lysa Tuerkurst so beautifully says, “I choose to forgive; and for whatever my feelings will not allow, the blood of Jesus will cover.” (Forgiving What You Can’t Forget by LT).

Engage your grief and allow it to pull you into GRACE.

Every day, say it aloud, “I choose to forgive.”

Keeping Emotional Clarity: Don’t Run with the Boundaries Concept (Part Three)

Recently a friend and I were discussing the divorce epidemic, and how it seems many people are justifying divorce without proper cause.

Both men and women are taking Dr. Henry Cloud’s teaching on boundaries out of context, and the results are devastating. I do believe there are times where divorce is inevitable, but I’m addressing something different, here.

I can’t put the dilemna into better words than he did, so I’m going to revise his words a bit and share them anonymously (with permission).

I quote:

“Dr. Henry Cloud’s boundaries have their place, but people start misapplying these principals, and it’s comparable to deciding to get chemo and radiation treatments when you need a much less aggressive or invasive treatment.

So many people are taking that teaching and saying things like, ‘I’ve been telling my husband I need help around the house for years. He always apologizes and promises to help more, but it only lasts for a couple of weeks. Then he slips back into the usual. I can’t handle these broken promises, continual apologies, yet no lasting change. If he loved me, he’d change and help me more around the house. I deserve better. I’m putting up boundaries; no contact, no connection until I see lasting change. I’m so hurt, maybe I should even separate from him until he sees what he has and changes for good.’

Then enters some man showing kindness, attention, money, etc. They are already disconnected and the grass looks greener to her. Boom—marriage done.

It’s like all the “You deserve to be happy” and “It’s your time for you” folks grabbed that boundaries teaching and boxed it into a “mental health” box with pretty new wrapping paper on it, and started selling their same old secular, selfish-minded philosophy in a way that opens minds to a deceptive way of thinking.

In my opinion, it is hell’s new form of psychological warfare on believers.”

“Mic-Drop” was all I could think when I read this.

For some years, I’ve been hesitant to share parts of my story because I didn’t want people to take what I say, run with it, and keep hollering the “Stand up for yourself” cry.

But I also saw the other side of the planet where women can’t say anything without being told they’re not submissive enough. This was me. This is many, many women—and it is for these women that I write.

On the other hand, there are many men and women who take truth and twist it into self-serving, humanistic approaches to gain what they want by taking the easy way out of a marriage that has issues to work through. For these men and women, I write this caution.

Emotional health and mental clarity will never come from selfishly applying boundaries to good-hearted spouses with needs you don’t like. Your health will come from obeying Jesus and loving your spouse as you love yourself.

My parents are still married after forty-three years, not because my father fills all my mother’s emotional needs, or because my mother fills all my father’s needs. They are still married because love and commitment over-ride an entitled view of themselves that would make them ditch each other for “something better”.

Their home is established on more than unmet needs; it is established on the Word of God, the God who promises to be more than they will ever need. With grace, they love each other and help each other grow. With even more grace, they accept each other’s flaws and choose to keep loving–whether or not the other changes.

I signed my divorce papers for one thing only—and that was my husband’s ongoing affair with a minor child almost the same age as our oldest daughter. Today, the girl is pregnant and they are still together, albeit not legally married.

Hear me carefully when I say there were many things I could have divorced him over. I had no lack of “reasons” I could have used. But I refused to sign divorce papers until it became undeniably clear that there was no other way.

I am divorced with a good conscience. My plea to everyone out there is this: love your spouse, stay with your spouse for better or for worse unless it is simply impossible and your spouse’s sin meets the criteria for divorce as said in the scriptures. Don’t take this teaching on boundaries to mean you can put up walls for everything hurtful in your marriage. You will not heal your heart like this; you will hurt your soul, your spouse, and your children. You will be selfish, refusing to love until your own needs are met. This is not the way of the cross.

In God’s kingdom, the way up is the way down. Get on your knees, ask God how you can love your spouse best, and learn what specifically speaks love to him/her.

Somewhere along the way you will be surprised with inner soul freedom that is so much greater than you’d experience if you quit and ran for something you thought was better.

It won’t be better.

Every good marriage has at least one partner who is willing to love extravagantly even when the other does not deserve it.

My challenge for all of you today is this: take your spouse’s faults and choose to love extravagantly, anyway. Give 100%. Love the person you once fell in love with, and love them hard. Find out what makes your particular spouse feel loved, and just do it, without question.

What speaks love to your spouse may be entirely different than what speaks love to you. Study your spouse, ask questions, and go all out for the growth of your marriage.

You will never regret it!

Stay faithful, and God will faithfully clarify your thoughts, bring healing to your soul, and help you grow—even if your spouse’s faults continue.

Never give up unless, as in my own case, your marriage is no longer possible. Cheers to all beautiful, committed souls who grow, grow, and grow a marriage!

Regaining Emotional Clarity by Finding Help (Part Two)

The day I walked into a professional counselor’s office started the change in my life.

It was hard, and I wanted to disappear. I had chosen an older, christian male counselor because I desperately wanted to know if I was wrong. He looked at me kindly and said, “So, you’re a strong woman, aren’t you?”

All I could do was whisper, “I hope so”, then cry for the next hour as years of pain surfaced and I shared the dilemna I was in with my husband’s repeated suggestion that perhaps marriage should be “open”. He’d promise me that he’d never live it out unless we were both okay with it, and he didn’t know where he stood on the matter as of yet. But it threw me into turmoil, and lots of it.

I remember asking myself if I was selfish for wanting to be the only woman in my husband’s life.

I wanted God’s will, I wanted to please my husband, but when it came to this topic I would have rather been alone than be in an open marriage.

For many years, I kept hearing things like “Maybe God designed men to have multiple women and that’s why they struggle with lust.”

Or, when seeing one man surrounded with three beautiful ladies at dinner, “See? Isn’t there something exemplary about that?”

I’d shake my head and want to gag. No, that didn’t look exemplary to me; that looked needy and sinful to me.

The pornography topic wasn’t even mentioned in our home as a problem until one night, out of nowhere, I was prompted to ask him about it. The answer I got put me in turmoil for many years.

“I’ve been looking at some to pray about whether or not it’s right to view. I can’t lie about that—and you shouldn’t have asked me about it.”

At that moment, my inner reality changed while my outer world kept spinning as if nothing happened.

Amish girls are raised with the three big S words: submit, serve, and silence.

So, though my stomach tied in knots, that is what I did. Obviously, with the three other S words, there came a fourth S word: SEX.

I absorbed blame in our relationship and took internal responsibility very quickly. Saying “I’m sorry” was much easier for me than learning how not to say “I’m sorry” while asking for what I needed and deserved in a relationship.”

Writing about all this sickens me because I see who I used to be. Pathetically naive and dependent, with no ability to see beyond the perceived safety I felt in marriage to a man who would confuse my brain, then leave me with four children to figure life out on my own.

I thought he was good. I idolized him as good. And I was determined that nothing in all the world would wreck our marriage.

I should have known, right after marriage, when he told me I wasn’t allowed to go home to see my parents and siblings “because you’re addicted to them”, that something was dreadfully wrong. But, I wasn’t raised to think—I was raised to obey and serve.

I don’t know if I had even heard the word narcissism.

I had watched little to no movies or television, so I operated with an incredibly small worldview. I had never traveled out of the country or lived on my own. From working hard to please my father (who is a good man), to working hard to being a good wife and mother, this is what I knew to do.

The Jesus I know now was more of a God to please, back then. I didn’t know I could trust Him fully to love me unconditionally. I had no idea of a relationship where I didn’t have to perform in order to be loved and accepted.

I had little autonomy, but even while married, I began to see that something was off balance. God used friends to show me what could be, and I embraced it eagerly. I was beyond excited that God had a beautiful balance for women, somewhere between the door mat thing I saw in one world, and the feministic attitudes I saw in another world. Slowly, I learned that it was ok to be myself, that my voice really mattered, that I could think, reason, and be alive with or without the approval of others.

The voice of God was strong enough to start changing me while I was still in an almost hopeless situation that only got worse with time. As with everything else, I started writing out what I was learning, so when my publisher asked me for a book, I hesitated, then gave her that file on my laptop. I have no regrets in letting her publish it, even though my marriage ended afterward.

The only thing any one of us can do is change ourselves. We have no responsibility or ability to change another person, but growing ourselves up is imperative.

I thank God for healing me, for loving me, for giving me a voice to use, for giving me life apart from any man on this earth. I thank God that I now know this one thing—I am as important to God as any man could ever be. He loves me, and I trust Him.

But many years ago, though my heart was crushed over the answer I received about the pornography issue (many years before my husband left), all I knew to do was pretend nothing happened. Hear me carefully—this brought fake peace while it allowed the problem to continue until one day, years later, I received an email telling me that we disagreed on this matter and I was free to leave him.

“I might come back to you in five years,” he’d tell me and others. The pain and confusion of it all rocked me.

I continued to fight for our marriage until he packed his bags six months later and told me that he doesn’t want to sleep with other women while he’s married to me, but after the divorce he’s not sure. In reality, it was only a very short time until he was sleeping with our daughter’s friend, a few long years before the divorce was final.

Do you see the confusion here? And you, men and women whose spouses are acting up in similar ways—- know that freedom comes when you no longer try to make sense of the mess. Evil is often confusing and doesn’t make sense. Give your brain a break.

Hear this carefully—for many years, I was too frightened of the trouble that would come if I didn’t “submit and be silent”. Are any of you in that place? Please know that you don’t have to stay there.

No one has to suffocate under a religious definition of “submission”.

The patriarchal system gives the picture of a perfectly loving man IF the woman does everything right. “If you give your husband lots of sex, he won’t be tempted to have an affair.”

“If you submit to him well, he will never raise his voice.”

I tried it, friends. I tried to be “perfect” so the end result would line up with what I was basically promised—a kind, loving husband who would adore me and treat me well.

That never happened. Outward, public chivalry, yes. Holding my hand, yes. But emotional healing, mutual respect, love in the places of my soul that were hurting, no.

Anyone can pull off decent outward behavior. Only some will wound your soul with moral issues while they hold your hand, pretending the problem doesn’t exist.

Before I go further, let me assure you that I’m a firm believer in the goodness of sex. What I’m calling our attention to is something different—and that is, either partner shutting down vital parts of their emotions in order to function well in the bedroom. Marriage should be a safe place for body, soul, and spirit together, with neither part of us shutting down but all aspects of us becoming better.

When either partner is breaking trust, it is not only right to discuss and work through the pain of it all; it is vital.

But many of us do the opposite. We shut down our brains so our bodies can comply with our inner false responsibility to give and enjoy sex while the other partner breaks trust. We do this out of fear and a desperation to connect on some level.

I was determined that if my husband was into pornography, it wouldn’t be my fault.

If he ever left me, he wouldn’t be able to say it was because I didn’t give him enough sex.

So, I did what it took with my emotions so that I could keep doing what I thought constituted a “good wife”.

I kept the house clean, home schooled the children, cut the grass, did the grocery shopping, laundry, packed his lunches and cooked his dinners.

But, I hurt my heart and soul by not validating the pain. I didn’t know how to live as if I was worth something, too.

Later, the truth met me that there were some things no one can fix, no matter what they do. That truth saved me.

“Am I selfish for not wanting to study open marriage with my husband?” Is he right that we should be able to discuss these things together?”

My husband ordered a book for us to study on the topic, which I agreed to study with him. I was desperate for his approval and reasoned that God could keep me in truth by His Spirit.

But when the book arrived, I could read one page before begging him to remove it from the house. My husband was disappointed and said that time was the best time of our marriage as he felt we could talk about everything.

Do you see the number this put on my dependent brain? He wasn’t mentioning SIN; he was talking God’s will, an open mind, best time of our marriage because we could communicate about everything.

He used everything I wanted most to pull me into the thing I wanted least. Hear me carefully on this—this is a very, very common tactic for narcissists to use.

I needed help to keep my head on straight. And whether or not your situation is as drastic as mine was, you need the same help. The kindness we get one day mixes with the abuse we get another day, until it is very difficult to think clearly on our own.

Keep your brain sharp. Keep your mind above the fog. Reach out for help. This is point number three. Please don’t do what so many men and women do—stay silent out of “respect” for their spouses. That, my friend, is not respect; that is fear.

Those who truly love you will assure you that you’re not selfish to want answers. They will tell you that you’re right on track. You need to hear truth verbally, whatever it is—and you need it now.

This time, don’t walk to a closet to cry it out–walk to a counselor’s office to find answers. Trust Jesus and His heart for your emotional healing and mental clarity, trust that others will surround you with love, trust that you can and should reach out.

Love,

Sara

How “Submission” Can Turn to Suffocation

I paused before I spoke, carefully weighing each word—and more importantly, each tone of each word.

I had waited for two months to talk with my ex-husband about something that needed to be talked about as soon as it happened (painful things with other women). But, I was terrified to talk even though what had happened was wrong.

That doesn’t sound healthy, you say—and you’re right.

My suffocating experience in marriage led me to research healthy womanhood with a passion. There had to be more to relationship in marriage than what I experienced. Surely this was not what Jesus talked about in 1 Peter 3.

Surely if a wife who loved and served her husband discovered something wrong in her husband’s life, she should be heard?

I knew the answer was yes even though I didn’t experience it. I weighed my words carefully and spent years in confusion and emotional distress because I tried so hard to avoid the hurtful conversations I knew would happen if I tried to communicate.

Thank heaven this is not what a wife is meant to have in marriage.

Let’s take a look at some powerful women in the Bible. Deborah was a prophetess, a wife, during one of the most troubled times of Israel. She’d sit under a palm tree dedicated to her, called “The Palm of Deborah” while the people of Israel came to her for judgment.

When they were oppressed under Jabin, king of Canaan, Deborah called Barak and told him the Lord asked him to go out to war against the king’s army. In verse eight Barak says to her, “If you will go with me, I will go; but if not, I will not go.”

Deborah goes with him but lets him know that the glory won’t go to him because the Lord will deliver Sisera into the hand of a woman. (Judges 14)

The battle rages hot but as is always the case when God is on our side, Barak’s army won until each man fell. Every man but one, that is.

When 900 chariots of iron weren’t getting him anywhere, Sisera fled on foot to Jael’s tent. Why this tent? Because there was peace between her husband and the king.

Jael kindly invited Sisera into her tent, comforted him with words of peace, fed him hot milk, and covered him up warmly. He fell asleep and she took a tent spike into her hand, a hammer in the other, and pounded away, into his brain until he was dead.

Then, she reported it to Barak.

Israel’s victory began with two women, one of which obviously went against her husband’s wishes when she chose to fight on the Lord’s side. Get this—she killed a man who was at peace with her husband. The only vibe we get from scripture concerning this act was one of approval, God fighting with her, with them.

She aligned herself well. Remember this, sisters—when your husband opposes God’s kingdom it is of utmost importance that you choose the right side.

Now, lets hop on ahead to 1 Peter 3 where God talks about one of His exemplary women, Sarah.

“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conversation of their wives………as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord. And you are her children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.” (1 Peter 3: 1 & 6, ESV)

How do we make sense of this seeming contradiction? By taking the entirety of the Word of God rather than zoning in on one verse. God has a perfect plan for His women and it shines through all of scripture.

Jael quietly did what she needed to do. We don’t read of her becoming feministic, abrasive, or brash. We simply see a woman of great strength with an ability to rise to a God-given occasion to fight for His people.

In that moment, her husband was second to God, not competing with God. This is what we need to remember: our husbands do not compete with God for equal place in our lives. God is number one, always.

I believe God was number one in Sarah’s life and that was the only reason she was able to honor her husband. God was proud of her and used her as an example.

There’s an entire culture of honor we ladies need to live in, walk in, and speak in. We can do this even when we need to say no to our husbands.

My situation forced me to not only say no, but to testify in court against his actions. From closing my mouth in order to keep peace, to opening my mouth and refusing to make peace, this was one bear of a journey.

The Lord let me know one day as I was walking that my husband would leave, and that I would be the one to speak up against his actions. I still didn’t know the extent of gross sin I’d be dealing with, but my heart cried out, “Please Lord, please no. Please not me.”

I wanted so very much to please him instead, but it had become impossible.

When rubber hit the road things not only got worse, but sickeningly disturbing until the entire town was in an uproar. I had to speak with detectives and law, court, and fight for my children until my knees shook.

I could no longer obey, “submit” or pretend to be okay.

And bit by bit, I learned that it was okay for him to be unhappy with me. I’d take my emotions by the shoulders, give them a good shaking and tell myself, “Sara, if he was happy with you, you’d be in the wrong. It’s a good thing, a very good thing, that he’s unhappy with you.”

Sisters, please hear me on this. You are not responsible to make your husband happy, or to keep peace. BUT, if you walk in love and honor, you will make a good man very happy.

If you’re walking in love and with Jesus by your side, you’ll treat him with honor. You won’t yell and be obnoxious. You won’t nag.

You’ll be feminine, gracious, and eager to bless him.

But hear me on this—you will also communicate honestly as you honor him.

You’ll be able to say the hard things.

You’ll be able to say no if he wants to veer right off track into obvious sin.

If he’s pulling toward another woman you’ll be strong enough to stand up to both of them with a better option—that of saving your life-long covenant with your husband.

If the need rises, you’ll be Jael in Sarah’s world.

Sisters, there is no other way.

Abigail brought food to David and God took care of her belligerent husband who became so angry with what she did, that he died. God blessed Abigail for feeding his servant when her husband was selfish enough to cause a war. (1 Samuel 25)

But take note on the extreme cases these examples are. Jael won a war and Abigail stopped a war. Many women today create wars instead because they are too selfish to think past their own skin.

Femininity or feminism?

Feminism tries to prove to men that we can do what they can do. It is obnoxious and nothing short of abusing the word, “woman”.

Feminity thrives in a culture of honor. We honor ourselves when we honor those around us. We are ‘yes’ women with the ability to say no when the need arises. We are graciously strong and refuse to buckle under sin and abuse.

We can stop wars and win wars, but never create wars unless standing for truth creates one of necessity. We are, as Jesus asks us to be, “wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” (Matthew 10:16, ESV)

A culture of honor can be nothing else.

It’s Still Okay to be Feminine

I’m going to open my veins here and let them bleed a little on a topic dear to my heart.

I love being a woman.

I love it so much that I have no problem owning the fact that men possess attributes I do not. The same is true of women—we can do things men cannot do. But hear me out just a little here……….

It took me forever to burn things from my marriage, but I finally did, carrying a pile out to burn up in flames because my marriage was so far gone. I even sold my bed and all the pillows, then slept on the floor as I cried some deep tears.

In some ways it was merciful for things to get as bad as they did, or I would have hung on forever. But I finally knew I had to be done.

God met me there and told me, “Sara, you are still fully woman and fully feminine, with or without a man.”

Those words from Jesus have been my saving grace. No man can rob me of the gift of being fully woman. Since then, I’ve been able to enjoy, even more, all the things I did before.

God has this ironic way of redeeming everything for those who love Him, and the gift of being able to appreciate goodness even more, as a result of the ugly I’ve been through, has been part of my redemption in it all.

I still dress up, wear make-up, and purchase an occasional new piece of simple jewelry. I still love fashion even though most days I’m knee deep in cleaning supplies at the job. Every once in awhile I still take out the curling iron, and I still love an elegant glass of wine.

If anything, those things mean more to me now because I’m joining the work force each morning and filling my car with gas along with a gazillion men who are all building houses, maintaining lawns, and pouring concrete. They make the mess; I clean the mess.

But recently, as I praised my ten year old son for his masculine protection over our home and family when someone ransacked our car in the night, I was bombarded with upset women because I dared imply that men are more protective than women, that we should all be content with our gender and simply live it up.

I even dared speak against transgender lifestyles. I’m not into the pop-Christian culture where sin is blatantly condoned.

But that’s another topic in itself. Back to daring to mention that men are protective.

I was blown away. Surely most of those women would happily take a protected place should war break out and the men around us rushed to the front lines to protect their homes and families. (I’d honestly love to see a line of feminists when the call to bear arms comes along. I dare say that at that moment, they’d love to let men be men.)

Of course there are female soldiers, too. But I’m talking majority here. There is simply no doubt that most men have a protective instinct and most women have a desire to be protected.

My little boy’s eyes lit right up as he planned how to scare a thief away from our car. And I, as his mother, could only stare at this tiny ten year old and wonder why he wasn’t afraid.

Say that on face book though, and you’ll get all kinds of “Women are definitely the strongest gender” kinds of comments.

I’m not sure what we have to prove here. Do women really feel obligated to do and be everything a man does and is?

For crying aloud, men can’t grow a human in their own bodies, give birth, or even care for a baby as instinctively as women can. We are just as strong, yes, but in a different way. There’s a (God-given) reason most little boys play guns and most little girls play dress-up.

Of course some girls are naturally “tomboy-ish”–and I happen to love scary adventures, mountain climbing, and such as well. We’re not making cookie-cutter descriptions here, but calling appreciation to the fact that genders are different and families need BOTH to function well.

We are just as important, yes, but we are not the same. If God wanted females to be as good at everything men are, He would have just created all of us male.

I’m weary of the twenty-first century where femininity is looked down on rather than appreciated. Have women forgotten they are bearers of beauty, kindness, and love? The world needs us—and every real man knows it.

When women release their femininity for something they think they should be, instead, something difficult comes in its place.

Insecure women bring control, unrest, and ugliness into this world. I’d say this universe needs the opposite—and I’m frankly honored that God created us for the task.

The other day I was cleaning a bath tub for a client when suddenly a massive something with a million legs came speeding up an unused drain. I screamed just a little, stepped back, and wondered what to do.

I could be the bravest ever and say with millions of other women, “Who needs men?” I could squash that creature with a wad of toilet paper. I could overcome every fear I’ve ever had of crawling creatures, and just do it.

Or, I could be okay with my fear, walk out to the garage, and ask the gentleman to please help me with this mini-animal scrambling around his tub.

I chose the latter and stayed far away until he walked out with a smile, a dead creature, and an apology. I thanked him, re-entered his bathroom, and made it cleaner than it’s ever been.

See this—I wasn’t weak for wanting help with a crawling creature speeding about with a million legs in the bath tub I was cleaning. And he wasn’t less of a man for not wanting to clean his house.

I own a cleaning business because I’m good at cleaning and I love organizing. Most days we clean three homes, some of which are obviously bachelor’s pads. Now, some guys are cleaner than women, but there’s a reason we often use extra soap on man caves.

See that term, man cave?

A woman will most likely call her home a nest. She’ll have plant rooms, dining rooms, a sitting room—all geared to love, nurture, and create a haven.

Both genders are strong, yet in opposite ways because we are meant to compliment each other and bring to this world what the other does not. When we both do our part, we create a beautiful balance. When we compare, fret, and feel less than, we create void by default, because when someone isn’t filling a spot, the spot is empty.

If women try to be men, what is left for real men to be attracted to? Who is there to care for, to love, to be hero for?

Before you bristle, ladies, remember that a man is biologically created to be a hero. Even Disney knows this. There’s a reason Cinderella wears the glass slippers and her real man rescues her.

Real men need real women, even in the twenty-first century.

Before you go haywire on me with all kinds of hormonal reactions, may I remind you that I write this as a single woman making my own way in the world?

I know how to start, own, and grow a business, hire employees, and manage a thriving company.

I know how to pay my bills, do my own yard work, use a weed trimmer, fill the lawn mower with gas, and check the tank for oil.

I know how to use a chain saw and I’ve spent hours cutting up fire wood with my children.

I can manage my website and work with people from one end of the spectrum to the other.

But, I’m still fully woman and it’s totally okay to have a man get that crawling whatever out of the bathtub while I stand there shaking.

We have nothing to prove, but everything to be.

Do what you need to do in life, but nurture those around you, bring beauty to every place you go, and find full satisfaction in being a woman. Appreciate and acknowledge what men do and are for you. Only an insecure woman has something else to prove.

You are so needed. Not half of you, but all of you.

Let every real man keep right on opening doors for women, and let every real woman thank him with a smile.

The attributes we do not possess are meant to be fully met in the other. Goodness calls to goodness as we both live fully in this world.

Single women, this is for you, too. You are every bit as much of a woman, and the world needs you. Remember to stay kind and bring both internal and external beauty to those around you.