truth – Women of Purpose

Why I Still Believe in Submission (and when it’s time to say ‘no’)

Instinctively, many women want to please and by nature, we invite rather than push away.

I still believe in submission, though the word is frowned on in this post modern society. A woman still wanting a leader in the home becomes a supposed icon of weakness rather than a dignified woman still respecting her husband.

Many claim men and women have equal positions of leadership in the home. Equal importance and value, yes. Equal leadership, absolutely not.

1 Peter 3: 7 “I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man.”

Titus 2: 3-5 “Older women are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or given to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be…….submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.”

Here’s an undeniable call to “teach what is good”. And what are they to teach? They are to teach young wives to allow leadership in their homes.

Our culture calls for leadership in every area of life, and feminists are some of the first to demand positions of leadership. So the questions becomes, “How is it not even more important to have leaders in the home?”

If the church, sports, businesses and corporations, government, and even charity organizations all need a leader, why the bristling effect on a home needing one?

A reaction to a problem doesn’t bring a good solution to a problem. The fact that some men aren’t good and selfless leaders in the home, doesn’t nullify the need for good leaders in homes. But this brings me to the heart of this blog.

There are times when wives need to say no. I remember the days when my then-husband wanted to study a book together promoting open marriage and talked about potentially having other partners in our bed. Doubtless, I had to say no.

I was told to be open to study, that God would show me if it wasn’t right. Thing is, it takes very little to show me that’s not right. The night we went out to Valentine’s dinner and I was pointed to a table of one man surrounded by three gorgeous women, then asked, “See, don’t you think that’s exemplary; he attracted all those women!”

I tried not to gag on my food and replied, “No, he probably has some major issues, needing that.”

My husband was no longer leading his home in righteousness and love. Like a sickness permeating every area of life, the illness I knew was there for many years festered until I could no longer deny it. We were going to break.

And because I said “No” to my husband, he was gone—into the arms of other women.

There are doubtless limitations on allowing a man to lead you. I am endlessly grateful that the divorce I tried so hard to avoid ended up being my rescue and the tears I cried ended up being my release.

And I realized, after his most obvious affair with our daughter’s friend, that something was broken beyond repair even though God led me through a process of forgiveness.

I’d seen him flirt with the child, but in my wildest dreams I didn’t want to admit he would ever do it. And when it became obvious, I knew I was to forgive him, yet remove him permanently from my life. That even if he repented someday, he could never again be my husband or lead our home. My job was to create emotional safety so my children could heal and others could feel safe in my home.

I write this for the church, for other women in similar shoes, for a call to leaders in the church to rise up, man to man, for the protection of women and children. Women in abusive marriages are often brainwashed as I was, and need strong men to stand alongside her to help her take a stand.

I needed two couples, one on either side, to help me. I needed a strong attorney. I needed a whole community of support, and it was graciously given.

But sometimes, the church is so focused on forgiveness and restoration of a broken covenant, that sexual perversion is “forgiven” and the marriage “restored”. I’m here to call into attention that the consequence of some sins makes “restoration” a ruin for the heart and soul of women and children.

My daughter begged me to never take her father back, even if he was repentant someday. I agreed with her. I didn’t think only of forgiveness; I thought of protection and the emotional well-being of myself, my daughters, their friends, and other women I was called to serve.

In that moment I knew they would never feel safe if he was there, and that I could forgive while entirely obliterating him from my life and home, forever. That if he tried to came back someday even as a repentant man, healing would stall and perhaps never happen. That women would feel unsafe in a home I was called to keep safe.

I’m here to ask the church to protect the heart and soul of women more than they promote a perverted man to find restoration in the home he destroyed. Because incest, rape, or child attraction is different than an affair—I do believe some affairs can be healed and a marriage better than before. But on this level, damage is ongoing for years and impossible to heal from if the offender sits at the table and lives in the house.

Our job is to help women find the strength to speak up and realize there is life after divorce, that no woman is unconditionally tied to a man, that no man was ever meant to take the place of God, that her position has now become the protection of her children and others rather than the welcoming back of a man who will unearth, daily, sexual trauma by his very presence. And I add here—even if he’s repentant.

Marriage is sacred; sex is holy. Sexual sin can be forgiven, always. But marriage can be restored, only sometimes. And if men in the church don’t know the difference, they are not doing the job of spiritual leader, protector, and provider for those who were once voiceless.

They are, instead, agreeing with the Pharisees in Mark chapter two where Jesus was accused of allowing his disciples to harvest and eat grain on the sabbath. In opposition to Jewish law, Jesus reminded them that “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath. So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27&28, ESV)

Even before his death, where grace would replace law, Jesus wanted a proper and merciful application of law.

He reminds the Pharisees also, “Have you never read what David did, when he was in need and was hungry, he and those who were with him. How he entered the house of God in the time of Abiathar the High priest, and ate the bread of the presence, which is not lawful for any but the priests to eat, and also gave it to those who were with him?” (Mark 25&26, ESV)

And again in Matthew 19:9, Jesus allows for a merciful deliverance from a perverted man by stating that divorce is permissible for sexual sin. He does not want His daughters stuck in a threesome marriage (or worse), and He takes care to address it clearly.

Again, the church needs to carefully assess whether they are protecting the idea of marriage long after it’s broken, or whether they are protecting women and children after an utterly broken marriage. Are we idolizing marriage or are we protecting victims of sexual crime by bringing them to healing places where the mind can be renewed and the body restored?

Are we idolizing marriage or are we worshiping God?

Are we in love with marriage or are we loving the helpless and hurting?

And in rape cases, are we more concerned with a man losing his home and family than we are with a child losing her virginity by the man who was called to father her?

If so, we do not understand the damage of sexual trauma nor the need for years to heal in a safe place where reminders are gone.

Satan loves to twist the submission thing and make it harmful rather than beautiful. And, if I may speak boldly, some men love to protect other men from certain ruin and loss even when the man himself ruined and lost his home.

Jesus has always called us to be a voice for the voiceless. And sometimes, that means the church helping wives do the hard thing of saying no because they are not yet able to, on their own.

I am eternally grateful for the men who helped me, for the way my mind cleared when I was out from under psychological manipulation that almost destroyed me. For them to assure me that I needed rescue more than my marriage needed rescue.

I needed Godly men, and they came.

I’m asking them to come for other women’s aid, too.

“He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God.” (Micah 6:8, ESV)

For hope and healing,

Sara D.

Regaining Emotional Clarity—Don’t Live by Your Emotions, Part 8

Every once in awhile my eyes roll to my head when I’m listening to teen girls gab about boys.

Yes, the boy thing. And how do you tell them that this boy most likely isn’t the future husband when all the emotions say otherwise?

During those moments I see clearly what God must see so clearly about us—that much of our lives are based off immediate emotional reactions rather than deliberate Godly responses.

Girl sees cute boy and bam—all the natural emotional responses start rolling.

It takes self control to wait, decide what you want with life and relationships, and work on character rather than premature dating. A wise parent will do her best to encourage the latter even when emotional responses from a child would cause her to buckle.

But teen love and dating is not the only thing that can be ruined by natural emotional responses. What about us? As fully grown adults, how do we live?

“The irony of the term “self control” is that it is not about our act of taking control, but rather about our surrendering control to God.” ~Jennifer Ussleman, Choosing to Choose Better

https://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Choose-Better-Changes-Everything/dp/1637324553/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_2?crid=25M269BN3ZHP7&keywords=choosing

I don’t think there’s really any way we can force our emotions in line with the will of God. Usually, emotions over-power better knowledge. But surrendering ourselves to the Lord makes us new creatures, which means there’s an inner response more powerful than a natural reaction.

As a friend once said, “When God does something, it’s like there’s an aroma of the Holy Spirit that is just different than something outside of His will.”

We can’t always show our children the difference until they experience it personally, but we can, as parents, do our best to guide them toward wisdom.

This is our responsibility.

This is our duty.

This is our job.

(My babies plus one more from Slovokia. We love you, Tampka!)

But back to ourselves. Living above our emotions affects how we discern the will of God (not the easy way, but the right way), how we eat, speak, and run our businesses. It affects what atmosphere people sense when they’re around us, how much life they glean from our presence in the room.

What atmosphere do you bring to the table?

And what about this—living above emotions even affects how we eat. We’re suddenly able to choose for health rather than weigh our bodies down with excess junk.

Eat to get your emotions comforted and you’ll end up emotionally uncomfortable when you step on the scale or go clothes shopping. Making the better choice in spite of emotions ends up setting your emotions free.

Eating for life instead of emotions is a good picture of what happens in all of life when we choose higher than feelings. Suddenly, we start feeling better.

Get this—when you no longer allow your feelings to run your life, you suddenly start feeling better and living a better life.

(Nutritious and deliscious–curry chicken salad, brown bread, and all things fresh.)

Our emotions are here to guide us, not rule us. They are one factor, not the greatest factor. They are useful tools, not the end of wisdom. This means that if your emotions are leading you astray, you reign them in and follow wisdom instead.

Your feelings can even be swayed by religion. Amish people are taught that owning a car is worldly. Because their feelings have been conditioned by culture and decades of religion, they will truly feel guilty when they purchase a car.

(My world as a child.)

A muslim woman will feel guilty for exposing her face. And I, as an Amish girl, remember hiding behind the refrigerator when a man from church knocked on the door. My feelings told me that for him to see my hair would be shameful.

Even religion has to humbly exchange itself for relationship, and bow itself to the pure, holy, written Word of God that will change or bow to no one and for no one. It is not God’s job to fit our interpretation of His will; it is our job to surrender to His perfect Word and will, even when it collides with what we’ve always been taught.

Ironic, isn’t it? At the cross, we kneel low so our souls can rise high. All of us, inside and out, need to bow at the cross and subject ourselves to a Greater Word.

Whatever we feel in the process will eventually be exchanged for greater grace than we’d ever know, were we to bow to anything less than the Word of God.

Choosing rightly may never change your circumstances, but it will absolutely change your heart. And that, my friends, is a greater miracle we can only know when we’ve experienced the beautiful, loving presence of Jesus Christ. Emotions can lead us astray, but He will always lead us upward, onward, and into freedom.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12, ESV)

Bitter Becomes Sweet

I’m standing outside a small meeting place in Seattle, chowing down food with a vengeance I hope no one sees.

For crying aloud, some of the friends I came with are fasting. But I’m this starving girl with a mouth so full I turn my head so no one notices. Those fasting days have been gone for awhile and life seems to demand a steady supply of food just to keep going strong.

A gentleman walks toward me, nods, and tape a finger to his brain. He knows. I need this food just to be able to think.

But there’s a booming voice inside the door I’m standing by, and I tilt my head toward the open doorway as the African-American preacher shouts it out. “Bow in the name of Jesus Christ!”

I’m spellbound as he continues. His passion draws me in and engages my soul in all that matters most, as does the older lady with glasses on the mid-ridge of her nose, speaking of things that bring her to righteous anger.

I smile, then reach out and thank her for saying what I want to say. In a world of relativism where truth is perceived as judgment, seeing one dare to speak up for truths that are dying out is refreshing to say the least.

Friends, no matter how much society wants to think that truth is relative, every human being hangs onto their own version of truth.

The problem is, not every person hangs onto God’s truth. Those who say truth is not absolute, will absolutely judge those who say it is–which means their own version of truth is as simple as “It’s wrong to stand on absolute truth.”

In this way, they contradict their own logic. Apparently it is not judgmental to have truth, after all–and apparently there is still absolute truth even if it is their own twisted version of it.

Most of the people who say truth is relative and life should be gauged by one’s own happiness [if you want to live a gay life-style, do so], don’t truly believe what they say. When rubber meets the road and their spouse cheats on them [for the sake of his own happiness], they have no trouble labeling it wrong with the most severe judgment—as they should!

Every human being cries out for one truth or another, whether it be their own version, or God’s.

The problem rises when we choose to label certain things wrong because they affect us, but claim truth to be relative for other areas that don’t affect us.

A sovereign God Who created the universe gets to choose what is best for the whole of His universe. The fact that humans are able to pronounce such great displeasure and judgment on things that rock their world, but declare others judgmental for hanging onto truth in a rocking world, is but proof of their mortality.

We are humanly capable of defending our own hearts but mortally incapable of living for the heart of God—unless we are filled by the Spirit of God.

Spiritual warfare doesn’t just happen. We must speak it out, seek it out, proclaim it out.

We must dare push through the wall of apathy in our culture and engage the deepest things of God in a humanistic world.

You don’t have to be burnt up in a burning world; you must be lit up in a dark world. And you must know that, as light overtakes darkness, so every single truth of God will overtake the apathy and sinfulness of man.

I bite into a flax seed, and its bitter flavor pierces my mouth. Where did that come from? Sweet granola with bitter seeds?

They’re bitter, but entirely nutritious—and the whole of granola is crunchy sweetness, chock full of nutrition for a day out.

When truth seems bitter, know that it is God’s invitation to wholeness, a life made sweet with His presence. You cannot claim the Presence of God without giving yourself wholly to the heart of God.

Some of the bites you take may have bitter flavor. Take them anyway, and your life will be blessed with the entirety of God’s gift, just as my granola was crunchy and sweet even though it was filled with bitter flax seed.

If I had left them out, that bag of granola would have missed one of the most nutritious ingredients. Leave out the truths with a bitter sting to them, and you begin to merge away from the entire picture of wholeness God wants to grace your life with.

Embrace, by faith, every thing God says–then rest and trust Him with everything else. He will not fail you!