Goodness – Women of Purpose

A Celebration of Masculinity

“They say women don’t need men anymore,” my fourteen year old son told me on the way to school.

“Who says that?” I asked. “Because your mom and sisters certainly don’t believe that.

The look on his face made me want to cry. Fourteen year old boys are already facing identity questions. Who am I, and where do I belong? Who needs me?

And yesterday as he helped his sister move, I could see his shoulders square up. He literally saved the day along with another young man who brought a truck to help with a heavy mattress.

My daughter and I had no problem needing men yesterday and I was so proud of her as she expressed respect and appreciation for the men’s strength and help. Ironically, the two young men lit up doing exactly what she needed.

Biological design lines up with Biblical order, because the God of the Bible created biological design. Fascinating, life giving, encouraging and affirming of both genders–we simply cannot improve this.

God designed good men to want to care for and protect women. And I want to say to all women, even to those who’ve been hurt by a man, that women need good men.

We had a talk there in the car, my boy and I. Femininity and masculinity are both under attack in our culture, and I want my children to know deeply the calling God has on their lives.

My son is the first to open my door when we go out. I trained him for this, on purpose, by standing to the side of the door until he got there. And the other day when I asked him what the newest thing was that he learned on his phone, he said, “How to be a good husband someday.”

Yesterday as I spoke with another woman struggling with betrayal, I spoke to her of womanhood, how even us single ladies can inspire the world with feminine manners that call out the best in people around us.

We don’t need a husband to do this, though we wish for one. We can still embody what we’ve always wanted to be. We can refuse the attitude of “I don’t need a man” and instead hold on to gratefulness for the good men in the world.

We can still be fully woman and fully alive.

And here’s the thing—ladies, you don’t need a perfect man in order to be a grace-filled woman. If he provides for you, is faithful to you, and seeks to love you, be grateful every day. Look for the ways he’s showing love even if it’s different than what you want. And if you need him to show love another way, ask him for that specifically. But please don’t walk around with a chip on your shoulder if you have a truly good, but imperfect, husband.

Tell him you appreciate him, often.

Notice his good qualities and speak them out loud.

Let him come home to peace—and remember, peace is a gift for your children, too.

Look him in the eyes and smile. Like, truly meet his eye with a smile.

When he comes home after a long day of labor, let him rest. If you’re a stay at home mom, please don’t nag at him to fold laundry unless you truly need help because of babies, etc.

If you’re a working mom, let him know you need his support when you both get home.

Be specific and gracious in your requests. Men want to be asked for a need they can meet rather than be nagged for a need they didn’t meet, because they were never asked.

I’m here to call out gratefulness for the faithful man.

This man may not be as romantic as you want him to be. He may not know any of your favorite therapy phrases or personality tests or attachment styles. He may kick off his boots inside your door and drape his coat over your dining room chair.

He may love God but not be the best teacher of each chapter in scripture.

I’m calling women to stop the comparison game and stare down the blessing of a man who loves you for life. Some of you are blessed to have all your bills paid without having to worry about it. Others of you are working alongside your husband to meet financial needs in a cost-hijacked world. Either way, your husband wants to know he’s your support and at the end of the day, you need him.

He wants to know you’re grateful.

He needs to know you admire him.

If that gives you struggle, I want to remind us ladies that admiration to a man is what love is to a woman. Today’s world embraces women who ask for love while it scorns men who need to be admired and respected. Yet, one is as good as the other because both are God-designed.

I defy divorce culture in the name of Jesus because I see a better way, a way that creates heaven-sent love into the hearts of our children and each other. I know it takes two, and one cannot do it alone—but one can always find their identity in Christ, obey His word, and leave the outcome to Jesus Who doesn’t force change on anyone.

Remember that if you follow Jesus in how you treat your spouse, change in your spouse is not guaranteed—but here’s the thing: obeying God will change YOU. And a love relationship with Jesus is worth having whether or not our spouse gives us the relationship we long for.

I speak this over you as a woman who tried (too hard) to save her marriage, and it broke anyway. God’s call for me as a woman always has been to carry myself with honor and dignity. It’s a “Yes, Lord” love relationship with Jesus that isn’t based on what I get or don’t get.

And I want you to know, married friends, that you can carry yourself with honor and joy with an imperfect husband. Be joyful, be grateful, address needs clearly, get your head out of the sand, and live free.

The Ancient of Days always has had, and always will have, ancient ways. Those ways aren’t feeling based; they are truth based–and they truly work for good.

Whoever dares plant their feet on the Rock of Ages will truly stand on something solid where the gift of God remains undeniably life giving, life changing, and life altering.

Today, look at your imperfect husband and speak it to him, “I appreciate you so much for—.”

Men need to be needed. And I will say to any woman, “Men ARE needed.”

The bulk of military is …..men.

Most hunters are……men.

Most construction workers…….men.

Strongest and tallest………..men.

Fastest to protect……..men.

And you want a baby? Well, I hate to break it to you but you need a…….man.

Tell him you appreciate him, today and often in the days to come.

In a world of dishonor, remember that your crowning glory as a woman is to honor those around you, and especially your husband.

Never let the world rob you of the dignity of womanhood. Because if we do, we lose the ability to encourage true manhood.

A sisterhood is truly thriving if it sees the value of brotherhood. And to all the ladies out there, if you meet my boys, please treat them like gentlemen who are needed in the world, with God given attributes different than your own because women do not have it all.

Together, as we celebrate both masculinity and femininity, we have what we need.

Love,

Sara

For the Joy of It

Yesterday my sister and I put Christmas hats on miniature goats, then took them for a walk in the snow. Both of us were unashamedly delighted and couldn’t stop laughing.

It didn’t matter what others thought of us, or whether someone wondered how two grown women could be that silly. We were absolutely thrilled at walking our favorite pets through a snowy December town.

My sister’s pet goats didn’t just happen; she worked for them. From a small outdoor shed, hay and feed, to a fence in her small town yard, she ran after what brought her joy—and in the process, God used these pets to form community in her small town.

She even took the goats to public school where she taught school each day. I’d watched her study and work for years to get her masters in teaching. I’d wondered what man would be good enough for this sister of mine, and I even listened on the phone as she worried that she was merely running after what she wanted—and what if her now- husband wasn’t God’s will for her?

But nothing stood in the way. No red flags and no major faults—just another awesome, yet imperfect man before her giving her the choice to choose his love, or walk away. So I encouraged her to simply lean into the gift of this man since that is what she desired.

A few years later, the joy of that goat walk was multifaceted after both of us hearing a sermon at church that day on “surrender”. Her kind husband, dreamt-of job, cozy little home, and quirky little pets had all culminated in her surrender to God’s yes.

I want us to consider a side of surrender that is just as important as the side we usually hear about. In order to see God, embracing His yes is as vital as agreeing to His no.

Christians often elaborate on the need to deny self, but we can only deny sin with victory when we’re satisfied that God is good in all He does. And a big part of that is walking in all the good things He offers.

It is actually damaging to others when we only attribute suffering and denial to a good God. People can struggle for decades with surrender when all they ever hear is how important it is to agree with God’s no.

What about God’s yes? Isn’t it just as vital to agree to all aspects of God? If we don’t embrace the gifts of God, we enter a bleak, monk-like asceticism where we struggle to surrender to God.

Asceticism is not surrender; it is as ungodly as selfishness because it is not of God.

Surrender means loving God and being filled with God, after which we run after the gifts of God while simultaneously agreeing with God when He says no.

Anything not of God we refuse and every desire given by God we embrace.

Refusing the gifts of God is as harmful as refusing to surrender our desires to God.

Embrace both God’s no and His yes. Simply embrace God, then look to see what He’s created you to be, in a mortal body with an immortal spirit.

Did you know God created your body and soul as much as your spirit? That you are eternal, starting the moment you were conceived in the womb? That earth is a passage way to glory and everlasting bliss?

Even here, we are created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Sister, God created your mind, will, emotions, and body for His glory.

Your body is not sin, but it can sin.

Your emotions are not sin, but they can become sin.

Your will is not sin, but it can lead you to sin.

When you’re in tune with Jesus, He will give you desires in line with His will. What is burning on your heart? Could it be that understanding surrender is understanding that some of our desires are placed there by God, and the holiest, most surrendered thing we can do is lean into, run after, and embrace the longings placed there by Him?

He wants to accomplish good things, sisters. So it remains that a large part of surrender is not usually even mentioned by the church.

We are told to give up and surrender what we want, but we are not taught to lean into desires placed there by God, and run after them.

Follow hard after God.

Say yes when God says yes.

Say no when God says no.

Remember that when God says no, He’s leading you toward His best yes.

And just as much, remember that when God says yes, saying no to yourself will only lead you into bondage. Some of the worst bondage I’ve seen is from people who focus on the wrongs of the world rather than the rights of a good, good Father.

Asceticism is not surrender just as grabbing things selfishly is not surrender.

The only blessed, joyful, holy union with God is a whole hearted yes to His blessing and design for our humanity, and a whole hearted surrender to His no when He says no.

Our greatest longing is satisfied in union with God and His ways for the entirety of our body, soul, and spirit.

In this way, surrender becomes a joy rather than a teeth gritting sacrifice we can barely do. God becomes GOOD.

God is the safest, most blessed, most healthy option for you. Lean into Him! Enjoy everything He created you to enjoy and this will help you surrender things He asked you not to indulge in.

Surrender doesn’t necessarily mean we lose an opportunity, but it changes our posture in that blessing. We enjoy it even more when we see God in it. And we can’t enjoy it fully when God isn’t in it.

Remember that you won’t get an audible word from heaven for all decisions. Sometimes God places strong desires in our hearts and we dismiss them, attributing them to mere carnality that needs to be “laid down”.

I’m here to tell you that full surrender to God includes picking up blessings He’s giving to us.

Being satisfied in God happens in union with God. There, in His presence, we are free to inhale His blessings and empowered to resign things we know are not from Him. His yes will fill you with wonder and His no will lead you to internal, eternal worship.

Just be full of Christ, and inhale.

She’s Not My Type

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

Am I your type of person…….TYPE??

Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!

The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.

“Turns out they just were not my type.”

“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”

“I can’t believe I am not their type!”

We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?

Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.

The list:

If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.

Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.

The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.

Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.

-Blonde

-Hot

-In good shape

-Good cook

-Loves Jesus

-Good with finances

-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)

-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)

-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)

-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)

-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)

-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)

Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.

Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.

Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.

-A PURE MAN OF GOD!

-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn

-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle

-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome

-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet

-Already great with kids and loves her kids

-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region

-A musician who can sing to her

-A good dancer too, because that would be fun

How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.

These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.

So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.

How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).

We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.

When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.

Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.

I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.

First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.

I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.

-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.

-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.

-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t

-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.

My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.

My encouragement to those who read this are two things.

First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)

The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.

By Johnny Davis

Regaining Emotional Clarity—Eight Steps to Healing (Part 6)

When people reach out to ask what the most helpful things have been for soul-healing, my brain does a spin while my heart pauses.

Healing was long, difficult, and multi-faceted with no assurance I was ever going to get there. Divorce and betrayal so deeply devastated me that I couldn’t know then what I know now.

My sister would tell me, “Sara, you won’t always feel this way. You won’t always be this sad.”

I could smile, yes. But I couldn’t shake that deep despair and dread threatening to engulf me with each waking morning. This lasted, much of the time, for a few years. So I can relate to the person whose spouse has cheated and he or she lives with debilitating despair.

Jesus Christ healed me as only He can do. It was not a simple fix after someone glibly quoted “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” (Don’t ever do that to a grieving person, by the way.) My healing was long, on-going, and needed to happen from every angle. It came bit by bit, and God was okay with that. But after 3.5 years, I knew it had happened.

The spirit of God touched me at a conference and I knew then that I was free. Weeping on a church floor does something to you. Staying there helplessly, like a child, letting God take your everything while filling you with SOMETHING (rather, SOMEONE), allows the tension to dissipate while your soul sinks into a peace not known by natural circumstances.

To those asking me about healing, I want you to know a few things:

1. God is okay with your process.

Others may think you’re not “spiritual enough” or “surrendered enough” if you continue grieving, but Jesus never said that.

When Lazarus died, Jesus didn’t rush to resurrect Him, though He knew that’s what He would do in the end. Get this, friend—Jesus stood there, weeping when He could have rushed to call Lazarus from the tomb. I believe Jesus wanted Mary and Martha to know He was engaging in their grief.

Isaiah 53:3 calls Him a “man of sorrows and acquainted with grief”.

One of the first and most important steps to healing from grief is to first engage it honestly. This might look like a day in bed, months where you watch Netflix more than read the inspirational books you used to read, or anything else that helps. A traumatized soul means a weary brain. And a weary brain needs to rest in order to rebuild itself.

Accept your grief, accept your weakness—and be okay with staying there for awhile. Just make sure you invite Jesus to stay there with you. That makes all the difference because He won’t leave you there.

2. Do things you’ve always wanted to do.

Since my divorce I’ve been on my best and longest mountain hikes (with some of the best people), I’ve gone sky-diving and allowed my body to hurl out of a plane two miles in the air, I’ve jumped from 100 foot towers, and learned dancing (which I’ve wanted to do for years).

Stepping out for things you love is vital to healing because it removes trauma from your brain for a short while. Like a shocker, you’re reminded that there are other aspects to life than the part that makes you curl up in a ball, weeping. You get glimpses of hope even if you may not stay there. These small glimpses give you courage to keep going even if despair rolls back in.

Whatever it is that makes you come alive, do it and keep doing it.

3. Engage your anger, but don’t turn into an angry person.

My nature, I am not an angry person. But I had to accept that feeling angry over betrayal was a good thing. I tried various outlets including burning garbage and old furniture, cleaning out all the remaining belongings of the person I was hurt by, and I even tried breaking glass jars one day. Seeing my husband with a teen-aged child did something to me that I can’t describe and I needed outward outlets for the inner pressure. This is not wrong and can be helpful.

But after releasing anger, choose to forgive. Bitterness will only cage your own soul in. You deserve more than to turn into an ugly person because of the ugly someone else threw your way. And I have to say, there are few things as ugly as a bitter woman. I was determined not to turn into one, and I realized I didn’t have to. There was so much good to immerse my soul into, that was more powerful than the one bad thing I could have sunk into.

4. Immerse yourself in a culture of honor.

Simply put, you need people to surround you, be there for you, and call out the best in you during the worst time of your life. My community of friends saved me. They believed in me. They rallied for me. Before, during, and after the divorce they treated me the same—with more honor than I had ever received in my life.

Find yourself friends who lift your soul rather than drag you into more depression. Find friends who know your heart so well that they don’t even need to ask about anything else. Sit with them and let them love you. Go out to dinners with them as you’ve always done. Cry with them and let them weep with you. Whatever you do, make sure you have a community who lifts your soul.

5. Choose forgiveness.

I asked it for years, “God, what does forgiveness look like? What does it feel like? How do I know I’ve forgiven?”

When I realized how much Father God hated what was done to me, I realized how much I could trust Him to take care of what was done to me. Seeing God changes everything. God does not blithely pass by one of His daughters in distress. You will get to stand still and watch Him fight for you.

When you realize you can hand your offender into the hands of God, you realize you’re okay with however God chooses to handle that person.

At that point, any gaps in your feelings become less than the focal point. God has taken over. You’ve chosen forgiveness, you’ve chosen God, and as the years pass by He will take you deeper into that secret place where you know what forgiveness feels like. Until then, trust Him with your lesser feelings as you choose Him for His greater LOVE.

6. Repent and own your mistakes

I remember when a friend reached out with these words, “Sara, you don’t have to be perfect.”

At the time, she knew why she said that more than I knew. I was so devastated by the divorce that I felt like I had to be perfect. Slowly, I realized no one can possibly be perfect and it was not only okay for me to acknowledge my imperfections; it was also important. I owned my mistakes in life without taking ownership for the divorce.

This set my soul free from the bondage of needing to be a perfect woman. I realized it was impossible, and it was fully okay to be human and to verbalize areas of growth that needed to happen in my life while in no way agreeing to or owning the divorce. (Of course I agreed to it later as the affair became obvious and ongoing).

For everyone in every season of life, a God-awareness of personal need is a gift. I learned to bask in the love of Jesus and talk to Him about all of it, telling Him I was sorry for any and every failure, and asking Him to help me change. Here, I learned how very much He loved me and was with me even when I wasn’t perfect. What a gift this became to my soul!

7. Stay on track.

In times of grief it is easier to lose sight of who we are, but so important to stay on track. If you’re a faithful, God fearing woman, keep right on being one. If you have children, keep prioritizing them. Remind yourself that keeping your home clean, serving your children, getting out of bed when it’s hard to do so–all of it will pay off and will help you keep building your life even as parts of it crash. Wash your face, clean the toilets, cook dinner for the kids–do what you’ve always done to create a lovely atmosphere for your family.

Above all else, keep your morals. Be careful with men. Vulnerable women can still be faithful women. Don’t allow the devil to rob you of even more by giving him space in this area of your life. The rewards for faithfulness are great and it is a vital part of your healing.

8. Never stop seeking.

I promise you. You who are in the depths of despair—I promise you that if you seek Jesus, He will heal you. Perhaps not in your time or way, but He will—and that’s all that matters. And while you feel no hope, I speak hope over you, to you, for you, and into you.

Never give up. Sooner or later, your soul will rise to the Son of Man who has already risen with healing in His wings. (Malachi 4:2)

And if you want to talk, find me in the contact page and I will get back to you. I will weep with you, stand in the gap for you, speak things over you that you cannot yet believe for yourself.

I’m here for you.

Love,

Sara