Relationships – Women of Purpose

For My Single Moms

I looked at her face and thought, “Why is she in a church conference when she needs a spa?”

I knew why she was there—it wasn’t so much for thoughts on how to create a Biblical church. Craving more than isolation, she was there for community and friendship.

I asked her aside to a small room and saw relief. The doors closed and the next hours were spent laughing and crying as only two single moms can.

I’m writing for her, and I’m writing for other single moms who call me during the week. And I’m writing for the sincere and loving people who ask me, “What can we do to help crisis moms?”

My own story pales because I have a dad and brothers who are always there, making sure I’m okay. Many of the moms I speak to have neither dad, friend, or brother. And they are desperate.

I write for these moms and for those of you who have so kindly asked me how you can help. The answers are simple, but they do require a shift of expectation, and they do require sacrifice.

1. Ask questions before assuming anything.

I ask questions to the woman who tells me she’s thankful for little things, like being able to feel her back pain. Why is she thankful to feel pain?

Her ex-husband had sexually and physically hurt her for so many years that in order to cope, her bodily reactions to pain shut down and she became numb. Five years later as some wonder why she’s curled up in a ball with a blanket around her, I understand that the adrenaline it took to survive the years is just now wearing off.

None of us want to feel pain, and here she was, thankful just to feel again. Feeling is a gift we take for granted—but numbness isolates the human heart from life itself.

Feel the good.

Feel the bad.

Experience joy.

Experience sorrow.

Leaving an abusive marriage takes years of pushing forward. This means it may be 5-7 years later when the mind and body is able to grieve, because those first years are a push to survival. Like PTSD symptoms in soldiers often surfacing 7 years after battle, a single mom and her children may or may not only begin to face the truth of the past when life settles down again and there is time to think rather than survive.

Those who don’t understand this will judge and move away from a woman who “can’t seem to get over her sorrow to find joy.”

They’ll accuse her of being a victim rather than understanding that finally being able to feel her grief is the first step to her becoming a victor.

She’ll hear Bible verses on joy but won’t feel the whole message of the God of the Bible enveloping her in comfort and rest.

When we force premature healing, we encourage numbness. There are enough people in the world covering pain with humor, sarcasm, and avoidance. These are the ones who find it hard to love, connect, and establish long term, close relationships, either platonically or romantically.

My urgent message is this:

Families must be able to step out of their own experience and enter another’s crisis even years after people think it should be over by now.

Thank God a woman is able to feel again. Let her cry, and cry, and cry for as many years as it took being numb to avoid feeling physical pain inflicted onto her body. Sit with her and put your arm around her, but don’t expect her to talk or show up for every meeting. Allow her to belong with no expectations.

The mind can and will create new nuero-pathways which will help the body regulate. This is often a slow and misunderstood process, hindered even further by judgment.

When a woman feels emotionally safe, she can heal faster. None of her energy should have to be spent navigating hurtful comments. Unfortunately, because the church is often unaware of the crisis happening right under its pulpit, it is even more ill-equipped to handle it properly when abuse is brought to light.

Because of this, I write. Ladies, throw a blanket around her shoulders and pull her in close. Men, add her son to yours for all the things.

2. Consider her family, not a visitor.

My parents were great at this. I grew up in a home filled with single women or children from broken homes. Because my dad was trust-worthy, my mom never worried about other females being around. We had a familial atmosphere for us, yes, but we extended our table and opened our doors to anyone who needed the same.

Family is not an end; it is a means to an end. In other words, family is a gift from God not to hoard but to use as a ministry platform. We hear it often—marriage should do more for the kingdom, not less—then we get married and turn our houses into our own rather than into homes of service for God.

I honestly believe this is why so many Christian women seem bored, dissatisfied, and able to create problems out of nothing. The human heart is designed to feel restless until it finds its rest in God—which means we’re so busy with our Father’s business that we have no time for unnecessary drama or self-inflicted pity.

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress.” (James 1:27a)

This means we don’t say, “Sorry, I can’t have your child over because we’re going out with friends.” A mom goes to work while her child sits at home alone while two families go out to have fun for the day, somehow because adding another child would kill the vibe they’ve set their expectations on.

Perfect love often disrupts the idea of perfect family days, and makes them even better. We get to add family. These kids don’t need to feel like they can visit when it’s convenient; they need to feel like they belong.

Belonging isn’t convenient—it just is. It’s a thing, a gift, a state of existence every human being should be able to experience. A child robbed of it needs it more than ever, but it has to be created, on purpose.

Children whose father abandons them (usually after physical or emotional abuse) heal much better if another family remains. A child should be able to say, “He was always there when my own father wasn’t.”

The slogan needs to become “Adopt a single mom’s child” rather than “Let’s reach out to them when it fits our schedule.”

Scripture says, “He settles the solitary in a home.” (Psalm 68:6, ESVa)

3. Get rid of your own fear.

Two moms told me that holding babies was comforting to them. One was told that she’s using babies as a drug and to top it off, both were judged for perhaps being a pedophile.

One of the moms was already rejected, alone, and had suffered more than most of the rest of America put together. Of course she needed to hold babies. I don’t have words to express my righteous anger on this–but may I only hear this twice from single moms, and never again.

Christian wives need to repent of hurting moms in crisis with their own fearful outlook on life.

4. Single moms are not a threat.

Most single moms will take a bullet before they take your husband.

Yes, they’re single, and yes, there should be appropriate boundaries.

This could look like group texts, an appropriate amount of people in the room, etc. A single mom never needs to be alone with your husband or even text him solo. It is easy and appropriate to set up group texts rather than texts between her and your husband.

But I have never seen more fear and judgment toward single moms than from conservative Christian wives. Ladies, I speak to you frankly. If you can’t trust your husband, that is yours and his problem, not the single mom’s.

If you’re threatened by her beauty, take it to God and allow your own beauty to shine.

If you’re threatened by the fact she takes care of her body, listen to your own inner longing and start taking care of yours.

If she’s vulnerable and feminine, and you know in your heart of hearts that Godly men rise to help women like this, allow that knowledge to create in you a desire to be feminine and vulnerable with your own husband.

Again, if she has something you do not, it is not her problem—but an invitation from God to observe something you admire and create the same in yourself.

Single women are often from marriages where husbands demanded and expected her to take care of her body. After he’s gone, she will want to do so out of love for God and herself rather than out of fear of being discarded.

I would love to not hear this over the phone, “I shouldn’t have to be ugly in order to not be a threat.”

Or, “I can’t wait to be a grandma so that women don’t feel threatened.”

Christian wives, this is your invitation to create in yourself what you fear in her.

Leaves are falling on my laptop as I write these words, and they are beautiful. Brown and fallen, but lovely in their season.

And as the church becomes aware of ways to help rather than hurt women and children in crisis, it can add beauty to the dark season of their lives.

Hope is never out of reach within communal love.

5. Make sure she’s okay financially.

I grew up watching my dad dig deep into his pockets for vulnerable women and children. One year he bought a mobile home and hauled it to our yard for two women who showed up for coffee and had no place to go. Until the home was ready, he and mom gave up their bedroom and moved upstairs. Even when the home was set up, either of them walked across the yard in the mornings to join our family table for breakfast.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was always good. And because it was good, it was blessed by God. And because it was blessed by God, the family was more okay than if we’d have saved our happy walls for ourselves.

Another friend I know has had 15 foster children in and out of his home. Active love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but it should be overtly obvious that sacrifice is made for the orphan and widow.

It hurts to hear a single mom tell me she worked six 12-hour days a week to become financially stable. This, during the worst crisis I’ve heard from my moms. This, and it shouldn’t be this way.

Pure religion isn’t going to church, dressed well. Pure religion is to relieve the distress on widows and orphans.

I didn’t realize the beauty of my parent’s life-style until I became a single mom in crisis. Dad and mom never experienced crisis of my own nature, but they were tapped into the heart of God long before they had a daughter in crisis. They did for another’s daughter long before they did for their own.

Because in the body of Christ, no one should ever feel alone. The family of God reaches far and wide, and it knows no boundaries when it comes to love.

In the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who work together in perfect harmony, gift your moms in crisis the same love.

Thanks for asking, sincerely. And thanks for allowing me to pen these honest answers.

For the Cause of Hope,

Sara D.

Grace, Graffiti, and Gossip

“The South is known for saying ‘bless your heart’ to peoples’ faces, then talking about them behind their back,” our pastor said recently.

It wasn’t the first time I’d heard that and I knew it was true. The south has it’s own faults just like the north, albeit different.

In the Pacific Northwest where I’m from, you’ll see lots of addicts, drugs, and alcohol. You may even see barbed wire strung over bridges to prevent more suicide, and you may or may not be allowed to use a rest room in a cafe where you just purchased coffee because too many teens use drugs in the teeny room out of sight.

“Do I look like I use drugs?” I asked the barista once, gently. “Can I please use your bathroom?”

She looked at me and nodded her head, and I had a bathroom.

Of course there’s graffiti everywhere, too. Like the gum wall in Seattle that isn’t only splashed in color, but covered in chewed gum. (Don’t ask me why this reminds me of my childhood when I used to find pieces of gum in the driveway and started chewing on it myself.)

The north has its vices, out there in the Ho Rainforest where water drips off magnificent trees and waterfalls tumble over rocks, where mountains rise in the distance with such splendor that one can only stare and wish to score the next highest peak, where flowers bloom alongside patches of snow, somehow all of it stepping toward the sea.

There’s nothing more glorious than a campfire with some of your best friends on top such a mountain—and I’ll sleep up there any day no matter how hard the ground is.

It’s in the towns below where the trouble is obvious. I don’t want to see barbed wire strung high over a bridge to prevent one more teen a voluntary death, desperate to escape mental despair.

It’s odd though, that here in the South, where wealth is obvious and churches stand on every street corner, where business trucks roll along with “Heaven and Earth Landscape” or “Alpha and Omega Construction”–it’s here that we’re known for gossip and gluttony.

The Bible Belt. We can preach the word of God without having the heart of God.

I’ve been troubled by my own words at times. Like a knowing in my soul that I sometimes said things about others that didn’t need to be said. I didn’t like it—and I struggled to make sense of it. What was God saying to me?

Here’s what God was trying to teach me.

1. Anything not said in love for the well-being of another, doesn’t need to be said.

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, and have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging symbol.” 1 Corinthians 13: 1

I was once aware of another’s sin repeated without cause to someone. I felt terrible for the person it was said about (I don’t even know the person) and realized again that the ruckus of gossip can ruin lives. This dear person could repent to God and others who wouldn’t repeat it, but if someone merely discussed it, it could have long lasting affects. My heart ached that God’s people would allow for redemption by not passing along information needlessly, even if it was true.

2. Be a safe person.

Once I shared something with a friend and later wondered if it was kept in confidence. I picked up the phone and asked her. She had kept my heart and life in confidence and it meant so much to me. I want to do the same for others.

3. Realize that gossip comes from insecurity.

What wounds are we trying to heal by wounding another? Why can we feel good about ourselves by making someone else look bad?

What are we feeling so terrible about in our own lives that we feel the need to tear another person down, just so we can feel lifted up?

“How can you believe, who receive glory from one another and do not seek the glory that comes from the only God?” John 5:44

4. When we stop worrying about what others think, there’s a light joy over us that has no desire or need to talk badly about someone else, even if it’s true.

I became so enamoured with grace that I wanted to give it to others. I wanted to hug the person I used to be bitter toward—and the person I went to in person about the way she’d hurt others, well, I wanted her wrapped up in love, too.

Redeeming love toward all people became my theme. Bitterness fell off me and I could no longer hold grudges—even if someone had wronged me. I knew I had also wronged others and I needed a whole lot of grace, too.

Like a summer night lit up by an evening sky, the light of God’s love became so real that I longed for everyone not to worry what people thought, but to know deeply the thoughts of God toward them.

5. Go to people alone when you need to.

Do it before you talk to others, before you dump to your girlfriend, before you share it in a text.

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother.

But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:15

Here, we see the way God loves people. He doesn’t want His people discussed in a bad light because His heart toward them is good and growth—and He died to extend that kind of amazing grace to fallen mankind who would all need it at some point of their lives.

He wants you to go alone, so the person can repent with privacy and integrity.

If the person refuses to change his ways, He wants you to take others with you for added accountability.

See this—he’s not throwing the person with the problem under the bus. He gives him a private chance first.

Then, He’s not leaving you helpless and hurt. He asks you to take others with you if you need help after not being heard.

Redemption in the best way possible is God’s heart for all people—and it should be our hearts, too.

Lesser methods are a symptom of less than love in our hearts.

We may be afraid to confront someone—God asks us to trust Him in all things He asks us to do. “Perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18b, ESV

We may be afraid of someone not liking us if we gently confront them about something. In order to keep ourselves safe, we head to a friend to vent rather than to the person herself.

I have to think Jesus weeps over pride like this—and here’s the thing, He absolutely knows how to humble us.

“But He gives more grace. Therefor it says, God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble.” James 4:6, Esv

At the end, the only disclaimer I can give is if someone isn’t safe. Then, you need to head for help immediately. There are absolutely times when emotional, spiritual, or physical abuse call for immediate intervention without first going alone.

God loves you. He keeps you safe in His care by giving you safe people.

God loves others also. He aims to redeem them with the Grace He died for. Can you help others run to Jesus rather than run from people who call themselves Jesus Followers?

Humble and loving, Jesus was most relaxed with sinners who saw their need and longed to touch the hem of His robe for healing and forgiveness. He tensed up with religious people who did whatever it took to feel righteous about themselves rather than enter the righteousness of Christ where everyone kneels on horizontal ground in utter need of absolute grace.

Living in the goodness of God, as Jenn Johnson so beautifully sings, means we don’t live in our own goodness or in another’s goodness. We expect to find faults everywhere we go, and we expect to give grace as we want to receive it.

Then, we confess our faults to trustworthy people, because owning where we’ve gone wrong helps us get closer to what’s right. Rather, the only One Who’s always right.

And we get this deeply, this undeniable truth that walking toward a church building won’t make us a real Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes us a car.

It’s mercy and truth that meet together in one redemptive wrap around, like a circle of redeeming love. There, we can truly say “I’m a Jesus Follower and we love each other.”

Stand with me here, walk with me here, kneel with me here, for His glory and for the sake of those He loves—which is EVERYONE.

“Redeeming love has been my theme, and shall be til I die.”

By Grace alone,

Sara D.

How Grace Changes Us

I always feel badly for people who fast, and I’m like, “Don’t tell me you’re fasting because I’ll feel sorry for you all day long—or days long.”

And because life often takes more energy than I have, the last several years I’ve focused on keeping my physical energy by feeding my body. The amount of meals I eat just to keep energy has me telling sister that I wish we’d be neighbors so she could feed me (best cook ever!) and I could return the favor by cleaning her house.

So it took extra courage to start the year with a ten day fruit and vegetable fast. I struggled. I spent hours more on the couch. I watched “Alone”, which is a documentary on men surviving in my beloved Pacific Northwest with no food sources except what’s around them in the sea and forest.

I knew I wasn’t as hungry as they were, but it felt like it. Day after day, I’d do my work then crash on the couch as my body adjusted and my spirit became more and more clear.

I woke praying one day, asking God what He wanted to speak to me. What did I need to rid my life from?

He nailed it. In difficult conversations, I didn’t actively listen enough. Thus began a deeper journey into how to love people better.

I thought I was a good friend, a good listener—but I also knew that in stressful situations my heart would squeeze tight with stress and I tried to remedy that with words that I hoped would help and eliminate the stress of the conversation.

In doing so, I’d transfer something onto another person that didn’t feel like love or care—even when that’s exactly what I wanted to be or show.

Here’s the thing about real grace—it’s free, yet was bought with a price. And something that expensive, given to us freely, is made to change, renew, restore a person into something better.

The oxymoron of accepting an expensive gift while putting it on the shelf for a later date (heaven) should strike us hard. The gift of grace is meant to draw us to our knees in repentance, allowing the light of it to shine onto places that are yet dark in our lives.

I repented of not listening better, the other day. I apologized to a friend who was on my heart. And I walked toward people rather than away from them.

I’m not good with conflict, but God is good, and He came to change atmospheres. Active listening is the best way to show someone you love them, yet most of us are good at actively speaking our own thoughts rather than actively hearing another’s heart.

It doesn’t matter if you’re right or wrong–because sometimes being understood is far less vital than making sure another feels heard. First, just listen with your presence.

The awesome thing about Grace is this—when heaven sheds its light onto something you’ve failed in, it also sheds its awareness of how you could grow.

Every time the Spirit of Christ nails something in me, I’m aware of deep, deep Love reaching out to heal, restore, change, and bring me to better things.

I feel safe with God even when I know I’m not representing Him well, and He has to create grief in my soul over it. “Godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, ESV)

See this—there’s no grief in Godly sorrow because it leads us to things that will save us, and bring salvation to others.

Our post modern, humanistic culture teaches us that we are enough, and that we should love ourselves the way we are. Friends, I’m here to tell you something different. We are not enough, and sometimes we’re actually quite messed up.

And if you expect your people to be enough, you’ll be disappointed because they will fail you, hurt you, and be less than you need.

But when we understand grace we can’t carry the weight of humanity’s mess any longer. The cross still stands, and it still eradicates sin, and when you can care deeply about a person and be unable to carry offense, you know that Grace has indeed won in your soul.

Fasting made God’s voice clearer. Things I knew before, I now really knew.

I had to give myself the same grace I wanted to give others. Rather than say, “Man, Sara, that was really dumb”, I needed to say, “Lord, I failed. Thank you for loving me and forgiving me. Thank you for showing me a better way.”

I realized, as I accepted Grace, that I was unable to carry the weight of it. Christ set me free.

The goal is to be spiritually, socially, emotionally, and relationally mature. We work hard at it—and yet, we have those areas God shows us are not aligned to love. Here, we get to bow before the cross and allow Grace to seep into our bones and marrow, changing who we are and what we are.

We extend the same grace to others. Most people don’t want to be mean or ill spoken. Most are just humans making mistakes, often born out of their own pain. And when a person is truly cruel, God will deal with him in his own time and way.

In the end, the universe needs Grace—this unmerited favor thing, this free yet costly thing—this counter cultural, life changing, heaven embracing thing that will change us if we truly receive it.

To celebrate Grace, here’s a book—because all of life takes reminders of how to bring Grace into the rough places and allow it to change atmospheres.

The blackened salmon salad today is great—but Grace is even better. Cheers to 2025, being renewed, restored, and living Grace.

Much love,

Sara

Three Steps to Making Friends

A few Sundays ago I invited complete strangers into my home.

Enter, the big front door pushes open with a grind because it’s 118 years old, but Sunday morning coffee on the porch calls for hello’s from all kinds of neighbors. Somehow, we form community over old houses and love to peek inside each other’s homes.

The old wall paper greeted them warmly while my 17 year old daughter tried to greet them warmly, but of course, as soon as they were out the door, “Mama, don’t you know we don’t want strangers in our house on a Sunday morning?”

Yeah. What 17 year old girl wants a couple in their 30’s talking with her about paint colors and architecture while she eats her cereal with messy hair and an unwashed face? Poor baby. But I smile merrily and tell her “That’s a great way to make friends—they wanted to peek inside this old house.”

By the time the couple left, she’d given me her number and they’d parted with “Call us if you ever need anything at all—my husband is handy!”

Ladies, do you know how to bless a single mom? Give her your number with offers to help if the plumbing leaks or the bathroom fan gives out, or the water heater spills into old wooden floors. You get the picture. I wish I had a husband to offer services to all my single mom friends—because here’s the thing—making friends is not a technique; it’s a lifestyle.

But, here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way, moving to places I knew little to no one:

1. When you meet a person, it’s all about them, not about ourselves.

Immediately after hello’s, now is the time to ask thoughtful questions that engage a response. Rather than changing the course back to yourself, the time is still ripe to ask another thoughtful question based on what they told you.

People light up when another is genuinely interested in their lives. And this kind of person is rare. I always notice when someone is able to talk extensively without focusing mostly on themselves.

After a painful divorce, it seemed I processed verbally a whole lot. My friends were more patient with me than I was with myself. But there was a time where enough was enough, and years of healing had to lead me into a new focus on others. Still, I had to pace myself. Crowds were too much sometimes, and I struggled to engage—but a life skills course took me back to who I used to be as I remembered that thriving in a crowd means taking an interest in the person beside me.

I put it in practice after a service recently, and a complete stranger said, “We should be friends”, then shared her information with me. I need to follow up and have her over—but get this, it took mere minutes of me asking her about herself and her life rather than rushing off to preserve my own mental space.

When I talk with strangers, I keep reminding myself, “This is not about me.”

2. Be flexible and open.

Tonight my kitchen is full of five boys eating rice and talking about buggers. Yes, buggers. It was nauseating but I laughed more tonight than I would have if my kitchen was empty.

It all happened impromptu when friends who had David for the weekend asked if I’d watch their boys while they went on a date. Of course I said yes and of course I cooked a huge pot of rice to eat with crock pot chicken and of course I pulled out the popsicles from the freezer.

But of course I was also glad the five boys chose to crowd around the old wooden island for their sticky rice rather than head for my lovely dining room. And of course I also disappeared after dinner while they did dishes.

I love friendships with people of all ages. Another mom’s children, elderly widow neighbors, fellow singles, both guys and girls alike. Every human being we encounter may offer the chance of a blessing, hopefully both ways, but always from us to them.

Being others focused allows us to create an atmosphere that delights others and makes them excited to be around us. We should be a space of warmth, love, and care for each person, even in the grocery line. Don’t be too shy to smile and compliment strangers—it can make another’s day!

Making friends takes only a few ingredients: a keen interest in others, and a warm invitation to your personal space, including your heart. When the time is right, open your soul with those who hold is safely. Be vulnerable.

Celebrate others. Take every opportunity to call out the good in others. “I love your sweater—where did you find it?” kind of comments has brightened many a stranger’s face. What women doesn’t want to feel beautiful?

3. Last but not least, remember that not everyone is meant to be your friend.

Respect that some of the best people already have too much going on and have no capacity for more. Learn to see those in the crowd who need and want friends.

The goal is not always to make a personal friend, but to bless another’s personal life in the few moments you enter their space.

Some will be mere acquaintances.

Some will be friends.

And some will be, as Anne of Green Gables says, “Bosom friends.” for a lifetime.

When you find those, hang onto them tightly and never let go. Work through fights and failures, and always keep coming back. Forgive big and love even bigger. Say “I’m sorry” even when you don’t need to, and say it ten times over when you truly do need to.

The real ones will forgive you and the ones who use you for their own gratification won’t. Let them go and be thankful their true motives were revealed. A real friend won’t demand perfection and will forgive mistakes.

Love. It’s all about love for this universe of people created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Thanks to all you readers for being hidden friends in the line of words spilling across the screen, and sometimes, the page.

Love to all,

Sara

Purity–What is it?

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

What do you think of when you hear the word purity when it comes to romantic relationships specifically?

If I were a betting man, I would say sex came to your mind. If it was not the first thought, it was not far from the top 3 thoughts on the word. For years purity has been intertwined with sex and virginity. We have had teachings given, books written, talking about the importance of purity that really are talking about staying a virgin before marriage. Some saying the fight for your virginity is the thing that will make your marriage strong. How your virginity is this ultimate treasure that you give your spouse, making this almost magical.

I remember one teaching in specific I grew up with where an older man took a tissue box. He said it represented our gift we bring into marriage. Every physical display of affection we did took a tissue from the box, making it less valuable when we got married. I will be very open and vulnerable to help people hopefully not take my words in the wrong intention. I am a 33 year old virgin. I have never struggled with pornography or masturbation. Just those two sentences ether have people amazed or calling me a liar in my experience. I am not writing this to give anyone permission to sleep around. Quite the opposite, I want to give a full and more realistic approach to talking about purity.

I looked up the definition of purity for this blog. The simple definition is “not mixed with any other substance or contamination”.

Let me first point what purity is not.

Purity is not:

-Simply being a virgin before marriage

-defined just by what you’ve done physically with someone (kiss, oral, sex, etc)

-a label that sticks with you forever when you slip up

Purity is actually something that has to do with your body, soul and spirit. A person is just as un-pure if they struggle with gossip, anger, self image issues or practicing new age/witchcraft activities as someone who has sex before marriage. We need to expand what we do to try to stay pure outside of the overly simplified no-sex-before marriage goal. Now let’s get real and a little blunt for a moment shall we?

Your virginity is not the most important thing you bring to your marriage. In fact, it is a brief moment in your marriage history that will only be referenced when talking about purity or your journey to marriage.

I have a challenge for you if you don’t believe me. Go to anyone that has been married 5 or more years and ask them what the key to keeping their marriage intact is. I will give you 20 dollars if they even mention the fact they were virgins going in to marriage. In my 15 years of walking with Jesus, I have never heard a married couple says something like

“We praise God so much we gave each other our virginity, as it has just been the key to saving and keeping our marriage intact!’

Let’s look at the most common issues in marriage that somehow being a virgin going into marriage does not magically fix.

-Virginity will not set you up to deal with miscommunication

-Virginity will not prevent anger issues that lead to things like verbal or physical abuse

-Virginity will not prevent affairs

-Virginity will not help you be more loving or romantic with your partner

-Virginity will not make you more trusting or get rid of all your previous marriage

So what is to stop all these young people acting like rabbits before marriage? If we don’t scare them into “purity”, they will just go around sleeping with each other.

Why we shouldn’t have sex before marriage:

-it can lead to STDs and unplanned pregnancy

-Sex outside of covenant (marriage) can actually create intimacy issues

-Like most other things that produce “good feelings” we can create an unhealthy addiction to it that damages us going forward

-Soul ties are no joke. Sex really is an intimate act that, as overly spiritual as it may sound, gives yourself to another. I actually saw this before I ever got saved.

-Its actually what God calls us to

The stereo typical purity message I and many grew up with tried to make purity solely about virginity to get young people to have a value for not sleeping around. Though if we were just upfront and honest, and talked about these things, we could still have that same impact.

Making purity over focused on sexual purity like so many have done leads to unfortunate consequences like:

-When people do this and their marriage falls apart, they feel lied to, used, and many times worthless like they have nothing to give the next person they want to attempt marriage with

-People who get saved later in life can feel like since they didn’t have a value for this before, them not being a virgin makes them less of a prize for anyone in the church looking to get married.

-They find out from their none Christian friends who didn’t adhere to these standards who still have healthy marriages, and start to feel like it was all just manipulation

-Sex becomes this unclean, evil thing that people start to fear, following them into marriage, causing confusion internally of feeling like sex is bad but necessary in marriage.

To wrap this up, I loved what a friend said about this topic. Virginity is not the most important thing you bring to your marriage. The most important things you bring into a marriage is your love, your kindness, your patience. In the full picture of your marriage, your virginity will become a memory of one night of hopefully thousands of nights. Chances are it won’t even be that memorable except laughing at how you both had no idea what you were doing. There are plenty of reasons to not have sex outside marriage. It is not, however, this key to a successful and happy married life. Let’s not put unnecessary responsibility to it that if we just focus on not having sex, everything will just magically be perfect because of it.

Purity of mind, emotion, voice, and energy has to do with a wholistic look at health. Emotional and relational intelligence are as important, if not even more important, as sexual purity. How you treat another is of utmost value in the art of LOVE.

(If you have struggled with things like shame, disappointment, or frustration due to messages like the one I am speaking about, I am truly sorry. My heart does ache thinking of the unintentional damage this has caused so many. I pray that Jesus is able to come in like only He can and heal those places of your heart. One thing I often try to keep in mind is we as humans, we make mistakes with the best of intentions. We are hurt and broken which often causes us to create that in others even when we don’t realize it. You are loved and valued by Jesus no matter what your past looks like, and He has amazing plans for you that will redeem even the biggest hurts and hang-ups in your life).

By: Johnny Davis

How to Handle Rejection

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

Rejection-everyone’s favorite topic!

I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.

In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.

When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.

We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.

-Get closer to God in that moment/season

Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.

-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself

Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.

Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.

But the positive thing about rejection is this:

When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.

This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!

How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.

I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like

-“I am just not ready to date yet.”

-You are like a brother or sister to me.”

-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”

I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.

Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.

Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.

If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.

Cheers,

Johnny Davis

She’s Not My Type

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

Am I your type of person…….TYPE??

Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!

The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.

“Turns out they just were not my type.”

“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”

“I can’t believe I am not their type!”

We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?

Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.

The list:

If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.

Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.

The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.

Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.

-Blonde

-Hot

-In good shape

-Good cook

-Loves Jesus

-Good with finances

-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)

-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)

-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)

-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)

-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)

-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)

Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.

Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.

Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.

-A PURE MAN OF GOD!

-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn

-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle

-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome

-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet

-Already great with kids and loves her kids

-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region

-A musician who can sing to her

-A good dancer too, because that would be fun

How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.

These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.

So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.

How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).

We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.

When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.

Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.

I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.

First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.

I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.

-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.

-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.

-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t

-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.

My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.

My encouragement to those who read this are two things.

First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)

The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.

By Johnny Davis

What is Love?

This morning for breakfast, my twelve year old son handed me a plate of scrambled eggs splattered in ketchup. The food was delicious, though not pretty—but that was beside the point.

I deliberately asked him to cook breakfast while I was having quiet time by the fire, because I want to raise boys who are gentlemen and readily step up when their future wife needs something—or doesn’t need something. My boys will know how to cook eggs and scrub bathrooms long before they leave the house.

But eggs weren’t the greatest thing on my mind as I sat by the fire. The Lord was nailing a spirit of abandonment in my soul and I was asking Him for answers, humbling myself before my online heart work course, and going deep into what was sticking onto me from previous years.

I remembered the time I was six years old when grandma yelled at my father for moving us a few states over to another Amish community. I remembered losing my friends and my parents having to sit at another table to eat when we went back for visits.

I remembered a close repeat at fourteen years old when my parents got their first car and turned on light switches in the house. We lost all our friends overnight.

I remembered the day divorce papers showed up at my door and the lady’s eyes welled up in tears as she handed them over and saw my ashen face.

It wasn’t long before I was crying as memories came flashing through my mind, but the fire was warm, and my Bible was with me. And just as clearly as the Lord nailed my problem, He gave me the solution.

That’s what He does, always. There’s never a nailing of the problem without Him providing a hammer to nail that problem into the dirt where it belongs.

It came so clearly. “Sara, there was never a moment when you were not perfectly loved.”

Like warm oil on a bitter wound, the Holy Spirit was there to heal what He revealed. Peace I cannot describe flooded my soul as I received the Father’s love.

I was perfectly loved when my husband’s eyes were on other women.

I was perfectly loved when he packed his bags and dated a sixteen year old girl.

I was perfectly loved when I was handed divorce papers.

I never needed to dye my hair a different color or compete with women in magazines.

There was never a moment when I was not already perfectly loved.

I’m not the only one who has had to work through trauma and I knew I had to share this healing with my sisters. I want all of us to think of the worst times of our lives and realize, then and now, that no person can undo the perfect love of Jesus in any of those moments.

Sit with Jesus and remember when you were abandoned or rejected. Allow Him to let you know that in those very moments, His perfect love was right there. He wasn’t saying or doing what the human in front of you was doing.

I went to work with absolute peace, and when my client asked if I wanted Thai food, I was relaxed enough to accept it. During lunch, we got to talk about death, salvation, and Jesus. I’d been praying often for this man because it’s not easy to watch a man die of cancer who has yet to accept Christ.

Perfect peace was over me all afternoon and allowed me to listen to his thoughts on religion, respectfully, and even agree with some of them. I had nothing to defend accept the love of God. In the right moments, the Holy Spirit was almost tangible as I shared with him the absolute peace I’ve found in surrender and trust with Jesus even though life has been difficult.

He used to be an apologist and knew everything about all religions, it seemed. But because I was filled with God’s love for my own soul, I relaxed and felt no pressure to convince him, only a deep desire to share with him the love I’d found. I didn’t pretend death wasn’t scary—there’s a reason death is called a valley and shadow—but I spoke of peace that could be greater than any fear of death.

He listened, and wept, then said he enjoyed our talk. “It only takes a moment of surrender,” I told him. “Surrender– even your questions.”

Pad Thai is always delicious but I walked away with most of it still in the box.

It’s odd how the Lord brought me this waited for opportunity when I was at rest. If I hadn’t rested my soul that morning, I would likely have declined lunch. Or, accepted it but felt more pressure to convince him rather than sit with him.

The Holy Spirit does what He does when He’s already living and active inside of us. And sometimes, we have to face the greatest deaths of our lives to experience the greatest love of our souls.

It wasn’t easy to remember all those things this morning. But sisters, whatever God’s revealing, He’s intent on healing. He will only open your pain so He can heal your wound.

If you find yourself performing for love, remember that every single moment, you’ve always been loved.

Today, I try to stay fit because I want to be healthy and feel good about myself.

I sing because I love to worship.

I write because that’s what writers do.

I decorate my house because homemaking is a happy, worthy thing.

Do what you do because you are already perfectly loved, and certain behavior is becoming for a daughter of the King. Take care of your body because staying fit and healthy is honoring to yourself and to your womanhood. Live well because that’s what a princess does.

Being perfectly loved means we’ll want to live as if we are. It doesn’t mean accepting every flaw and continuing to live unhealthy lives. Perfect love changes us. Perfect love takes us to better. Perfect love allows us to toss the ugly and live the beautiful.

The more you see how loved you already are, the more you’ll do all the things you wished you did, but can’t bring yourself to do. Because at the end of the day, God doesn’t order us with rules, He wins us with His love. That, sisters, is the difference between religion and relationship.

The man spoke of a preacher who rejected him for sin, yet was having a homosexual affair on his wife. “This is not Jesus,” I told him. “Because the Holy Spirit is inside me, there are certain things He compels me not to do, but it’s all out of love.”

He nodded. He understood. Creator God cannot be compared to creation who is not choosing God.

The gift always has been and always will be perfect love.

For this gift, Jesus Christ gets my service and adoration til the end of time, and then, for all eternity.