Beauty – Women of Purpose

For the Joy of It

Yesterday my sister and I put Christmas hats on miniature goats, then took them for a walk in the snow. Both of us were unashamedly delighted and couldn’t stop laughing.

It didn’t matter what others thought of us, or whether someone wondered how two grown women could be that silly. We were absolutely thrilled at walking our favorite pets through a snowy December town.

My sister’s pet goats didn’t just happen; she worked for them. From a small outdoor shed, hay and feed, to a fence in her small town yard, she ran after what brought her joy—and in the process, God used these pets to form community in her small town.

She even took the goats to public school where she taught school each day. I’d watched her study and work for years to get her masters in teaching. I’d wondered what man would be good enough for this sister of mine, and I even listened on the phone as she worried that she was merely running after what she wanted—and what if her now- husband wasn’t God’s will for her?

But nothing stood in the way. No red flags and no major faults—just another awesome, yet imperfect man before her giving her the choice to choose his love, or walk away. So I encouraged her to simply lean into the gift of this man since that is what she desired.

A few years later, the joy of that goat walk was multifaceted after both of us hearing a sermon at church that day on “surrender”. Her kind husband, dreamt-of job, cozy little home, and quirky little pets had all culminated in her surrender to God’s yes.

I want us to consider a side of surrender that is just as important as the side we usually hear about. In order to see God, embracing His yes is as vital as agreeing to His no.

Christians often elaborate on the need to deny self, but we can only deny sin with victory when we’re satisfied that God is good in all He does. And a big part of that is walking in all the good things He offers.

It is actually damaging to others when we only attribute suffering and denial to a good God. People can struggle for decades with surrender when all they ever hear is how important it is to agree with God’s no.

What about God’s yes? Isn’t it just as vital to agree to all aspects of God? If we don’t embrace the gifts of God, we enter a bleak, monk-like asceticism where we struggle to surrender to God.

Asceticism is not surrender; it is as ungodly as selfishness because it is not of God.

Surrender means loving God and being filled with God, after which we run after the gifts of God while simultaneously agreeing with God when He says no.

Anything not of God we refuse and every desire given by God we embrace.

Refusing the gifts of God is as harmful as refusing to surrender our desires to God.

Embrace both God’s no and His yes. Simply embrace God, then look to see what He’s created you to be, in a mortal body with an immortal spirit.

Did you know God created your body and soul as much as your spirit? That you are eternal, starting the moment you were conceived in the womb? That earth is a passage way to glory and everlasting bliss?

Even here, we are created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Sister, God created your mind, will, emotions, and body for His glory.

Your body is not sin, but it can sin.

Your emotions are not sin, but they can become sin.

Your will is not sin, but it can lead you to sin.

When you’re in tune with Jesus, He will give you desires in line with His will. What is burning on your heart? Could it be that understanding surrender is understanding that some of our desires are placed there by God, and the holiest, most surrendered thing we can do is lean into, run after, and embrace the longings placed there by Him?

He wants to accomplish good things, sisters. So it remains that a large part of surrender is not usually even mentioned by the church.

We are told to give up and surrender what we want, but we are not taught to lean into desires placed there by God, and run after them.

Follow hard after God.

Say yes when God says yes.

Say no when God says no.

Remember that when God says no, He’s leading you toward His best yes.

And just as much, remember that when God says yes, saying no to yourself will only lead you into bondage. Some of the worst bondage I’ve seen is from people who focus on the wrongs of the world rather than the rights of a good, good Father.

Asceticism is not surrender just as grabbing things selfishly is not surrender.

The only blessed, joyful, holy union with God is a whole hearted yes to His blessing and design for our humanity, and a whole hearted surrender to His no when He says no.

Our greatest longing is satisfied in union with God and His ways for the entirety of our body, soul, and spirit.

In this way, surrender becomes a joy rather than a teeth gritting sacrifice we can barely do. God becomes GOOD.

God is the safest, most blessed, most healthy option for you. Lean into Him! Enjoy everything He created you to enjoy and this will help you surrender things He asked you not to indulge in.

Surrender doesn’t necessarily mean we lose an opportunity, but it changes our posture in that blessing. We enjoy it even more when we see God in it. And we can’t enjoy it fully when God isn’t in it.

Remember that you won’t get an audible word from heaven for all decisions. Sometimes God places strong desires in our hearts and we dismiss them, attributing them to mere carnality that needs to be “laid down”.

I’m here to tell you that full surrender to God includes picking up blessings He’s giving to us.

Being satisfied in God happens in union with God. There, in His presence, we are free to inhale His blessings and empowered to resign things we know are not from Him. His yes will fill you with wonder and His no will lead you to internal, eternal worship.

Just be full of Christ, and inhale.

Three Steps to Making Friends

A few Sundays ago I invited complete strangers into my home.

Enter, the big front door pushes open with a grind because it’s 118 years old, but Sunday morning coffee on the porch calls for hello’s from all kinds of neighbors. Somehow, we form community over old houses and love to peek inside each other’s homes.

The old wall paper greeted them warmly while my 17 year old daughter tried to greet them warmly, but of course, as soon as they were out the door, “Mama, don’t you know we don’t want strangers in our house on a Sunday morning?”

Yeah. What 17 year old girl wants a couple in their 30’s talking with her about paint colors and architecture while she eats her cereal with messy hair and an unwashed face? Poor baby. But I smile merrily and tell her “That’s a great way to make friends—they wanted to peek inside this old house.”

By the time the couple left, she’d given me her number and they’d parted with “Call us if you ever need anything at all—my husband is handy!”

Ladies, do you know how to bless a single mom? Give her your number with offers to help if the plumbing leaks or the bathroom fan gives out, or the water heater spills into old wooden floors. You get the picture. I wish I had a husband to offer services to all my single mom friends—because here’s the thing—making friends is not a technique; it’s a lifestyle.

But, here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way, moving to places I knew little to no one:

1. When you meet a person, it’s all about them, not about ourselves.

Immediately after hello’s, now is the time to ask thoughtful questions that engage a response. Rather than changing the course back to yourself, the time is still ripe to ask another thoughtful question based on what they told you.

People light up when another is genuinely interested in their lives. And this kind of person is rare. I always notice when someone is able to talk extensively without focusing mostly on themselves.

After a painful divorce, it seemed I processed verbally a whole lot. My friends were more patient with me than I was with myself. But there was a time where enough was enough, and years of healing had to lead me into a new focus on others. Still, I had to pace myself. Crowds were too much sometimes, and I struggled to engage—but a life skills course took me back to who I used to be as I remembered that thriving in a crowd means taking an interest in the person beside me.

I put it in practice after a service recently, and a complete stranger said, “We should be friends”, then shared her information with me. I need to follow up and have her over—but get this, it took mere minutes of me asking her about herself and her life rather than rushing off to preserve my own mental space.

When I talk with strangers, I keep reminding myself, “This is not about me.”

2. Be flexible and open.

Tonight my kitchen is full of five boys eating rice and talking about buggers. Yes, buggers. It was nauseating but I laughed more tonight than I would have if my kitchen was empty.

It all happened impromptu when friends who had David for the weekend asked if I’d watch their boys while they went on a date. Of course I said yes and of course I cooked a huge pot of rice to eat with crock pot chicken and of course I pulled out the popsicles from the freezer.

But of course I was also glad the five boys chose to crowd around the old wooden island for their sticky rice rather than head for my lovely dining room. And of course I also disappeared after dinner while they did dishes.

I love friendships with people of all ages. Another mom’s children, elderly widow neighbors, fellow singles, both guys and girls alike. Every human being we encounter may offer the chance of a blessing, hopefully both ways, but always from us to them.

Being others focused allows us to create an atmosphere that delights others and makes them excited to be around us. We should be a space of warmth, love, and care for each person, even in the grocery line. Don’t be too shy to smile and compliment strangers—it can make another’s day!

Making friends takes only a few ingredients: a keen interest in others, and a warm invitation to your personal space, including your heart. When the time is right, open your soul with those who hold is safely. Be vulnerable.

Celebrate others. Take every opportunity to call out the good in others. “I love your sweater—where did you find it?” kind of comments has brightened many a stranger’s face. What women doesn’t want to feel beautiful?

3. Last but not least, remember that not everyone is meant to be your friend.

Respect that some of the best people already have too much going on and have no capacity for more. Learn to see those in the crowd who need and want friends.

The goal is not always to make a personal friend, but to bless another’s personal life in the few moments you enter their space.

Some will be mere acquaintances.

Some will be friends.

And some will be, as Anne of Green Gables says, “Bosom friends.” for a lifetime.

When you find those, hang onto them tightly and never let go. Work through fights and failures, and always keep coming back. Forgive big and love even bigger. Say “I’m sorry” even when you don’t need to, and say it ten times over when you truly do need to.

The real ones will forgive you and the ones who use you for their own gratification won’t. Let them go and be thankful their true motives were revealed. A real friend won’t demand perfection and will forgive mistakes.

Love. It’s all about love for this universe of people created in the image of God for the glory of God.

Thanks to all you readers for being hidden friends in the line of words spilling across the screen, and sometimes, the page.

Love to all,

Sara

Why I Bought a 118 Year Old House

For the past four and a half years, even though my rentals were decent, sweet little homes, I’ve felt like I live in a hotel room.

The place I left behind in Washington state was part of my heart and soul. I loved the mountains, river, wrap-around porch, and tall trees protecting the brown, gable roofed house where four levels were inhabited by happy children and guests.

Moving to the south east with four children had me praying a lot, asking God for answers, and wanting to feel at home. I had a down payment for a house, but not for matching sky-rocketing prices in the surrounding Charlotte area. So, I resigned to not buying a home.

But God had a surprise waiting for me, just around the corner.

My mom came to visit and one day browsed her phone for homes in the area. Knowing how much I wanted to settle inside my own walls, she looked for anything possible, and in five minutes God led her to the one thing that felt impossible.

A beautiful 118 year old Victorian style foreclosure stared at us from the screen and begged to be seen. So, we did—and miracle of miracles, that same “at home” feeling came over me as it had with my home in Washington state.

Before and after cleaning the front yard.

So began a series of phone calls with my dad asking his advice, and making multiple lower offers they didn’t accept until I finally offered full price as well as closing costs.

I expected them to accept the offer on my birthday but instead, they put it up for auction and I was devastated. Still, I knew there had to be a reason and I prayed that day, pondering life as I took the kids hiking, determined to make the most of my 44^th birthday.

A few days later I had my joy back and was moving on from the house idea when my realtor told me they were going to accept my offer and were merely missing papers because he hadn’t submitted the correct ones.

Thus began a journey of purchasing an ancient home with a complicated foreclosure process, a toilet with a copper pipe and water tank mounted close to the ceiling, and enough charm oozing out of old wooden floors to keep me fascinated for the rest of my life.

The house had been winterized and I didn’t know if there’d be leaks when the city turned on water. Cleaning day was set and water was figured out only the day before, but each time stress wanted to mount high, the Lord would powerfully remind me that He’s taking care of things and I just needed to trust.

It was almost like He’d speak to me in the car, telling my heart to quiet down because He had this. Thus began a beautiful process of God doing things.

Friends helped me clean it, and then, one of them sent her husband to take over my yard work. I’d been out there with gloves but after a few hours had barely made a dent in weeds and must have been bitten by a thousand mosquitos. Inch by inch, I knew I’d get it done.

My friends thought otherwise and before I knew what was happening, an excavator was in my yard along with a crew of eight men. All I did was come by after work, day after day, to watch the overwhelming task unfold into a beautiful, clean space.

I cried grateful tears in front of the whole crew.

My neighbor watched and said one day, “Sometimes God just does things.”

The kids and I have found home.

After the back yard process.

Every day, I feel like I’m living a dream. The peace is palpable here, and the feeling of home is in every corner. The toilet still stands and I am as determined as ever to keep and restore the ancient, rusted, leaking tank towering above me close to the ceiling.

A friend took a look at the rusty old tank, looked at me and asked, “You want to keep this toilet?”

I’d never felt so certain of anything, so the next words out of his mouth became, “Ok then, we’ll find a way to fix it.”

For now, water drips into a glass mason jar while I choose to focus on the joy of a freshly painted, white claw foot tub that used to be blue with gold feet before I took a brush to it. Some things have to be changed immediately, while other things take time and perhaps years, like room after room of funky paint colors and wall papers.

The furniture we already had fit like a glove inside these walls, all the way down to my son’s pool table creating a billiard room, and the table I’d brought all the way from my Washington state air bnb, creating a chess corner under stained glass windows.

Inside these walls, some colors I love, some I tolerate, and some I endure. We find most joy when life doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be wondrously beautiful.

I’ve always loved turning houses into homes, and I hope my story of this miracle in a difficult real estate world encourages you to trust God with your desires, year after year after year—whether you’re laughing or crying—keep trust, grow in faith, and know that doing the next right thing can only lead you forward, closer to His heart.

I don’t say God is good because He brought me a dreamy house that makes me feel at home. I would say He is good even if it hadn’t worked out—because here’s the wonderful thing about a heavenly God—He is always good even when earth is not.

First Fourth of July in our new old home.

Keep faith in HIM alone. He is our Rock, and He knows when to move.

Love from my home to yours,

Sara

How to Handle Rejection

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

Rejection-everyone’s favorite topic!

I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.

In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.

When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.

We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.

-Get closer to God in that moment/season

Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.

-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself

Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.

Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.

But the positive thing about rejection is this:

When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.

This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!

How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.

I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like

-“I am just not ready to date yet.”

-You are like a brother or sister to me.”

-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”

I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.

Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.

Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.

If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.

Cheers,

Johnny Davis

She’s Not My Type

Guest Post by: Johnny Davis

Am I your type of person…….TYPE??

Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!

The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.

“Turns out they just were not my type.”

“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”

“I can’t believe I am not their type!”

We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?

Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.

The list:

If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.

Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.

The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.

Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.

-Blonde

-Hot

-In good shape

-Good cook

-Loves Jesus

-Good with finances

-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)

-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)

-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)

-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)

-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)

-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)

Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.

Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.

Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.

-A PURE MAN OF GOD!

-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn

-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle

-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome

-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet

-Already great with kids and loves her kids

-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region

-A musician who can sing to her

-A good dancer too, because that would be fun

How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.

These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.

So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.

Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.

How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).

We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.

When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.

Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.

I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.

First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.

I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.

-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.

-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.

-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t

-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.

My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.

My encouragement to those who read this are two things.

First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)

The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.

By Johnny Davis

What is Love?

This morning for breakfast, my twelve year old son handed me a plate of scrambled eggs splattered in ketchup. The food was delicious, though not pretty—but that was beside the point.

I deliberately asked him to cook breakfast while I was having quiet time by the fire, because I want to raise boys who are gentlemen and readily step up when their future wife needs something—or doesn’t need something. My boys will know how to cook eggs and scrub bathrooms long before they leave the house.

But eggs weren’t the greatest thing on my mind as I sat by the fire. The Lord was nailing a spirit of abandonment in my soul and I was asking Him for answers, humbling myself before my online heart work course, and going deep into what was sticking onto me from previous years.

I remembered the time I was six years old when grandma yelled at my father for moving us a few states over to another Amish community. I remembered losing my friends and my parents having to sit at another table to eat when we went back for visits.

I remembered a close repeat at fourteen years old when my parents got their first car and turned on light switches in the house. We lost all our friends overnight.

I remembered the day divorce papers showed up at my door and the lady’s eyes welled up in tears as she handed them over and saw my ashen face.

It wasn’t long before I was crying as memories came flashing through my mind, but the fire was warm, and my Bible was with me. And just as clearly as the Lord nailed my problem, He gave me the solution.

That’s what He does, always. There’s never a nailing of the problem without Him providing a hammer to nail that problem into the dirt where it belongs.

It came so clearly. “Sara, there was never a moment when you were not perfectly loved.”

Like warm oil on a bitter wound, the Holy Spirit was there to heal what He revealed. Peace I cannot describe flooded my soul as I received the Father’s love.

I was perfectly loved when my husband’s eyes were on other women.

I was perfectly loved when he packed his bags and dated a sixteen year old girl.

I was perfectly loved when I was handed divorce papers.

I never needed to dye my hair a different color or compete with women in magazines.

There was never a moment when I was not already perfectly loved.

I’m not the only one who has had to work through trauma and I knew I had to share this healing with my sisters. I want all of us to think of the worst times of our lives and realize, then and now, that no person can undo the perfect love of Jesus in any of those moments.

Sit with Jesus and remember when you were abandoned or rejected. Allow Him to let you know that in those very moments, His perfect love was right there. He wasn’t saying or doing what the human in front of you was doing.

I went to work with absolute peace, and when my client asked if I wanted Thai food, I was relaxed enough to accept it. During lunch, we got to talk about death, salvation, and Jesus. I’d been praying often for this man because it’s not easy to watch a man die of cancer who has yet to accept Christ.

Perfect peace was over me all afternoon and allowed me to listen to his thoughts on religion, respectfully, and even agree with some of them. I had nothing to defend accept the love of God. In the right moments, the Holy Spirit was almost tangible as I shared with him the absolute peace I’ve found in surrender and trust with Jesus even though life has been difficult.

He used to be an apologist and knew everything about all religions, it seemed. But because I was filled with God’s love for my own soul, I relaxed and felt no pressure to convince him, only a deep desire to share with him the love I’d found. I didn’t pretend death wasn’t scary—there’s a reason death is called a valley and shadow—but I spoke of peace that could be greater than any fear of death.

He listened, and wept, then said he enjoyed our talk. “It only takes a moment of surrender,” I told him. “Surrender– even your questions.”

Pad Thai is always delicious but I walked away with most of it still in the box.

It’s odd how the Lord brought me this waited for opportunity when I was at rest. If I hadn’t rested my soul that morning, I would likely have declined lunch. Or, accepted it but felt more pressure to convince him rather than sit with him.

The Holy Spirit does what He does when He’s already living and active inside of us. And sometimes, we have to face the greatest deaths of our lives to experience the greatest love of our souls.

It wasn’t easy to remember all those things this morning. But sisters, whatever God’s revealing, He’s intent on healing. He will only open your pain so He can heal your wound.

If you find yourself performing for love, remember that every single moment, you’ve always been loved.

Today, I try to stay fit because I want to be healthy and feel good about myself.

I sing because I love to worship.

I write because that’s what writers do.

I decorate my house because homemaking is a happy, worthy thing.

Do what you do because you are already perfectly loved, and certain behavior is becoming for a daughter of the King. Take care of your body because staying fit and healthy is honoring to yourself and to your womanhood. Live well because that’s what a princess does.

Being perfectly loved means we’ll want to live as if we are. It doesn’t mean accepting every flaw and continuing to live unhealthy lives. Perfect love changes us. Perfect love takes us to better. Perfect love allows us to toss the ugly and live the beautiful.

The more you see how loved you already are, the more you’ll do all the things you wished you did, but can’t bring yourself to do. Because at the end of the day, God doesn’t order us with rules, He wins us with His love. That, sisters, is the difference between religion and relationship.

The man spoke of a preacher who rejected him for sin, yet was having a homosexual affair on his wife. “This is not Jesus,” I told him. “Because the Holy Spirit is inside me, there are certain things He compels me not to do, but it’s all out of love.”

He nodded. He understood. Creator God cannot be compared to creation who is not choosing God.

The gift always has been and always will be perfect love.

For this gift, Jesus Christ gets my service and adoration til the end of time, and then, for all eternity.

Merry Christmas because He lives!

And Merry Christmas because every single moment, you’ve always been perfectly loved.

All is Grace,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 3

Recently a mom asked me to write about practical tips for staying healthy and feminine in a busy life style. I told her I’d be happy to do so, because this is an important and fun topic for Christian women, but it seems only a few (and especially one) aspect of Godly femininity is usually mentioned and taught.

There is so much more to a truly beautiful woman. Godly beauty starts inwardly, yet shows itself outwardly.

Many Christian women read 1 Timothy 2:9 and interpret the Greek word used for “modest” as covering themselves appropriately. We are taught from an early age not to show too much skin and to cover our bodies in public. But I want to say, this is only part of the meaning of modesty.

“….Women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works.” 1 Timothy 2:9

KJV translates the word for modest with this: “orderly; that is, decorous; of good behavior, modest”

Though I believe appropriately covering our bodies is important, it is difficult to argue that this is the primary meaning of the Greek word “kosmios”. Rather, I see that God wants us to wear clothing that is pleasing to the eye in a modest manner. We are to take care of our appearance and make sure it is orderly and even decorous. In short, women who are pleasant in their appearance bring glory to God.

The Christian church has focused on “modesty” (their interpretation of modesty) more than on health. I’ve watched the results—many fully covered, unhealthy, unhappy women who are not taught the actual meaning of “kosmios”.

Here are a few things I believe are vital for Godly womanhood:

1. Do what you can to stay healthy.

One of the first steps to spiritual, emotional, and physical health is to keep our weight in check. Buy the weight loss program if you have to. Make it priority—rule over food rather than allow food to rule over you.

Buy a good scale and watch your weight–and if you’re married, do this even while pregnant. “Eating for two” doesn’t mean inhaling two donuts or five pancakes. Double up on the veggies, protein, and vitamins instead, if you need to. If we’re really eating for two rather than eating for ourselves, we’ll be eating in ways that are actually good for our baby and our body. Remember, you’re eating for your baby to form in the healthiest way possible.

The scale is your friend. Use it often and if you see numbers go up, do what it takes to stop the incline before you have serious regrets. This includes while you’re pregnant. If you consume too many empty calories while pregnant, the scale won’t drop easily after the baby is born. (Don’t allow yourself to gain 80 pounds if you only need to gain 40, etc.)

I’m not talking about being a size 2. BUT, I believe women need to encourage each other to stay healthy. Emotionally eating ourselves to ten sizes larger than we should be is not becoming for Godly women. This is a sensitive topic and not one we hear taught, but we need to start hearing it! Physical appearance matters and it affects us more than we know. Let’s not label health and fitness as worldly, but realize this is an area where the church often fails to live exemplary lives. Others look on and wonder why Christians preach against addictions, yet are addicted to over-indulgence with food. Do not all addictions harm the body, and why should teens accept preaching against nicotine from a father or mother who is grossly overweight and literally killing him/herself with sugar?

These are tough questions. But strong women are not afraid to face tough questions. It is high time for us to have worthy answers for those looking on.

Let’s face it—all addictions (not just some) are harmful and unbecoming to Christian women. And often, the more “religious” a group is, the numbers of overweight and unhealthy people increase. Religion labels certain things, but the Spirit of Christ sanctifies ALL things.

2. Exercise.

Getting active is vital for our health as moms. For many years, I pushed two or three babies in a used stroller for my exercise. I walked into town with them, walked around blocks before dinner, pushed them up and down a dusty country road. Wherever we lived, I did what I could with what I could.

Later years allowed for Cross Fit, weights, etc., but even then, the gym was a treat rather than a constant. Busy moms can even get on their living room floor and do leg lifts, crunches, and squats. We can do jumping jacks with our kids and have the best laughs watching them try to co-ordinate their limbs as they jump!

After each of my babies was born, I’d lay on my floor and lift my legs a few inches off the ground to tighten my stomach muscle. The burn and tightness in my abdominal muscles was entirely cost-free, took ten minutes, and could be done with my children all around me. My exercise was incredibly simple some years, but the point was to get moving!

In olden days, a woman’s regular day brought natural effort to their bodies. Scrubbing clothes by hand, hoeing a garden, or walking for water all fostered community and exercise. In today’s world, we can throw laundry into a washer, throw rice into an insta pot, and turn on a faucet for water. The end result is ease but no exercise. So, we have to be intentional about health as never before.

3. Don’t over-spend.

In today’s world, you can wear attractive clothing for only a few dollars. Don’t buy into the lie that it’s okay to walk around looking terrible because you’re a mom and don’t have extra money. Keep yourself fresh and clean, especially if you’re married. (You don’t necessarily need make-up—you just need health, peace, kindness, and good hygiene.

I’ve had very little manicures or pedicures. My hands have callouses and I usually stare wistfully at beautifully maintained finger nails, but I simply don’t have the time or money to spend on pedis and manis. Honestly, I’d rather head to a garden or a barn than into a nail salon, but that’s my Amish farm girl coming out. Those who know me best know I’m happiest out with the animals and dirt, or scaling a mountain.

I buy inexpensive jewelry. When I get compliments I often have to say, “This cost me $5.” I don’t own expensive jewelry and I’m okay with that.

So for those of us who think we can let ourselves go because we don’t have money for a gym membership or clothe purchases, just know that you can purchase a few outfits at Goodwill and work out at home. Even healthy food doesn’t have to be expensive. Be content and be disciplined!!

I put aside the cotton over alls I wanted due to price. I did purchase the $13 Walmart dress. Choices like these help us manage both our wallets and appearance!

4. Let go of the lie that in order to be pleasantly dressed you have to be into the latest fashion.

Truth is, I dislike some of the latest fashions and the other truth is, I don’t want to spend money being up to par with all of that. BUT, I do study clothing and body shapes. Some of us look terrible in what others look great in. Some things are appropriate for one body shape but too revealing for another. Whatever the case, I’ve found joy in a simple approach to clothing where I ponder what looks good or doesn’t look good, yet am not a slave to keeping up with all the latest fads.

We are not Hollywood actresses or fashion models—but hear me carefully, Christian women—our physical appearance is important when it comes to staying healthy and knowing how to dress.

Our bodies are not our own and are to glorify Christ. He is all goodness and love. Do people feel inspired when they look at us?

5. Don’t gain attention by showing too much skin.

Real women don’t have to show everything in order to know they are worth more than anything. Be beautiful, but keep your sexuality for the bedroom. When in public, have class and dignity about you that attracts appreciation and respect more than whistles and leers from player men.

A truly beautiful woman is a faithful woman who loves her husband and strives to be his best friend.

And if I can put a word in for swim wear, here: girls, some of your bikinis aren’t even bikinis anymore. If you’re okay with wearing one, at least cover your bum. Enough said. 🙂

6. Skin Care.

I’m not rigorous about the perfect skin care routine, but it is important to put at least moisturizer on your face twice a day. Wash and care for your skin. Take daily showers, especially if you’re married. The beauty of a woman is the cleanliness of a woman more than the expense spent on a woman. In other words, a healthy, clean woman is often more attractive than an unhealthy woman who spends hundreds of dollars each month to doll herself up.

So don’t stress about skin. You can go as easy as a natural coconut oil if you like. Most of us can’t afford dermatology or expensive skin care and that’s okay! Health comes from the inside out which means what you put into your body affects your skin.

And as you age, forget about getting as tan as you can in summer. Protect your skin more than you used to, to avoid brown spots and leathery skin. Especially if you live in the South! Staying tan is difficult in winter anyway, but healthy skin can be enjoyed year round.

7. Embrace Aging.

What is more needed and lovely than a radiant grandma?! I don’t know about you, but I need grandmothers with grey hair, soft arms, and fires burning in their hearth, heart, and homes. I need grandmothers whose bodies may be growing feeble while their hearts burn with wisdom and insight more than ever.

Only a selfish woman who thinks her value comes from youth and outer beauty will fight and kick the aging process. Having this as your focus leaves you empty, with nothing for the soul of others to connect to. Stay healthy, active, and pleasant—but don’t fret the wrinkles! Just smile a little more as you grow older and allow the joy of you to override the aging of you.

7. Worship.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a woman who worships her way through life. Honor God by worshiping Him through your tears. Truly thank Him for the joys of life. Be a thousand times grateful for the one time critical or negative.

Remember that your soul can be beautiful regardless of who or what is around you. What atmosphere do others get in your presence? Who are YOU—because who your soul is matters more than what your circumstances are.

Christian woman, remember there is so much more to modesty than what is usually taught. Be a lovely, feminine, attractive person in your soul, and strive to show that in your appearance. Even if you’re a tomboy who hates girly things and finds herself out shooting guns and riding horses—be a real woman and be proud of it!!

“Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.”

Psalm 34:5

XO,

Sara

Dear Single Mom, Part 1

I’ll never forget the day I opened up the door to a lady handing me a large yellow envelope.

My throat went dry. “Is this what I think it is?” I asked quietly.

She nodded her head as she studied my face, and tears filled her eyes before she turned and silently walked away.

The day I looked over those complicated divorce papers was the D-Day of my life.

So I’m here to tell you, single mom, that you’re not alone and I get it. For me, you don’t have to appear brave when you need to cry. It’s honestly okay to be a wreck for awhile.

I get the nausea that won’t allow you to eat.

I get eating whatever goes down, when it goes down, even if it’s not nutritious.

I get the sudden survival mode that kicks in for your babes as you start working hard to provide for them.

I get the mom guilt that makes you try to over-compensate for a father’s absence by filling in all the gaps– and I get the resulting exhaustion that makes you love bedtime more than any other time of day.

I get how painful it is when you run to the grocery store the night before Thanksgiving and see the girl who replaced you, also out purchasing groceries, for the man you used to cook Thanksgiving dinner for.

I get the struggle of forgiveness and the confusion of what that even looks like when you feel all the tension rise one more time in the face of such oddities.

I get the pain of holidays, where you give up the parties you used to throw—then decide to throw them anyway because you’re finally seeing that life can go on and you can still do the things you love, and your friends love you just as much as before.

I get the angst of your soul as you lift your face to the sky and ask God why. “Why, when I tried so hard to be a good wife, did it not work?”

I get the anger when you see other wives mistreating their husbands and the men still stay. How you’d like to remind them of the good they have, and how that goodness should be rewarded and respected.

I get it when it all seems so unfair.

I get it when you’re suddenly a single person, and other women look at you as a threat rather than a gift– and you’d like to walk around with a T-shirt that says, “I’d die a thousand deaths before I’d hurt any woman the way I’ve been hurt.”

I get it when it’s hard to receive help, and how slowly you learn the absolute necessity of it, how grateful you become for the brothers in law and family who help you unendingly when you need it—-and don’t stop when you tell them you don’t need it because they know better than you do.

But here’s the thing:

I also get it when you start smiling again because Jesus comes closer than any human being could ever come.

I get it when your hard work pays off and you’re able to support yourself and your children without child support.

I get the satisfied tiredness that comes at the end of a work week when you do payroll, and still have enough for your bills even when rent is high and groceries are out of this world.

I get the deep appreciation for your friends who get the fact that you don’t have time to spare even when you’d love to have them over—because just getting to sit on your couch with coffee feels like vacation.

I get the gratefulness mingled with frustration when you spend too much money on Dr. visits, trying to get well again after burning out from years of emotional trauma.

I get the joy of hiking hours into the wilds so you can be in touch with something bigger than yourself.

I get the deep friendships that form when others join your steep adventures and everyone talks non-stop about all of life while the legs burn upward before eyes rest on majestic views that defy every pain you’ve ever felt.

I get the gratefulness of those moments when pain melts into oblivion, even just for a few minutes as something better takes over your mind.

I get the deep appreciation for those friends who send their husbands over to fix your broken sinks and change the tire on your son’s bike. Woman to woman, it’s their way of saying, “I got your back” and they’ll never know how much it means to us.

I get the joy over small things, because joy is a gift and you feel it coming, coming, coming as it used to be—though now, it is richer, fuller, and better because it is not dependent on another human being.

I get it that you’re grateful for your sorrow because it led you to your joy.

I get it that you felt broken much longer than you wanted, yet realized that your heart broken open absorbed light more than before.

I get the peace that comes from no dependence on relationship for your happiness, and the profound realization that you’re going to be more than okay, not because of a human being but because “The Son of Man has risen with healing in His wings” (Malachi 4:2) and He met you in your tears so He could wipe them away.

I get the wonder that He never left, never became impatient, and always looked at you with love.

I get the realization that you’re His favorite—but so is everyone else around you, and they should all be treated as such, created in the image of God for the glory of God. The realization of your own value collides beautifully with the realization of everyone’s value, and you want the whole world to circle with love, endlessly.

And I truly get it that now, though you love everyone, you no longer trust everyone. You’ve learned to know when you know when someone’s character is solid and they’ve earned trust without trying—because they didn’t need to prove what already was.

You are now the girl reading with new insight this verse: “Be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” (Matthew 10:16)

You live carefully, but courageously. Fear may threaten you, but love will overtake you.

Dear single mom, I get it that the Love of Jesus is now your anchor beyond what you ever knew before, and how, no matter what the future holds, you are set on HIM because you’ve found His love better than any other kind of love.

You are no longer the girl longing for the perfect life; you are now the girl held with perfect love in a very imperfect world.

“But to you who fear My name, the Son of Righteousness shall rise with healing in His wings.”

Malachi 4:2

It’s Still Okay to be Feminine

I’m going to open my veins here and let them bleed a little on a topic dear to my heart.

I love being a woman.

I love it so much that I have no problem owning the fact that men possess attributes I do not. The same is true of women—we can do things men cannot do. But hear me out just a little here……….

It took me forever to burn things from my marriage, but I finally did, carrying a pile out to burn up in flames because my marriage was so far gone. I even sold my bed and all the pillows, then slept on the floor as I cried some deep tears.

In some ways it was merciful for things to get as bad as they did, or I would have hung on forever. But I finally knew I had to be done.

God met me there and told me, “Sara, you are still fully woman and fully feminine, with or without a man.”

Those words from Jesus have been my saving grace. No man can rob me of the gift of being fully woman. Since then, I’ve been able to enjoy, even more, all the things I did before.

God has this ironic way of redeeming everything for those who love Him, and the gift of being able to appreciate goodness even more, as a result of the ugly I’ve been through, has been part of my redemption in it all.

I still dress up, wear make-up, and purchase an occasional new piece of simple jewelry. I still love fashion even though most days I’m knee deep in cleaning supplies at the job. Every once in awhile I still take out the curling iron, and I still love an elegant glass of wine.

If anything, those things mean more to me now because I’m joining the work force each morning and filling my car with gas along with a gazillion men who are all building houses, maintaining lawns, and pouring concrete. They make the mess; I clean the mess.

But recently, as I praised my ten year old son for his masculine protection over our home and family when someone ransacked our car in the night, I was bombarded with upset women because I dared imply that men are more protective than women, that we should all be content with our gender and simply live it up.

I even dared speak against transgender lifestyles. I’m not into the pop-Christian culture where sin is blatantly condoned.

But that’s another topic in itself. Back to daring to mention that men are protective.

I was blown away. Surely most of those women would happily take a protected place should war break out and the men around us rushed to the front lines to protect their homes and families. (I’d honestly love to see a line of feminists when the call to bear arms comes along. I dare say that at that moment, they’d love to let men be men.)

Of course there are female soldiers, too. But I’m talking majority here. There is simply no doubt that most men have a protective instinct and most women have a desire to be protected.

My little boy’s eyes lit right up as he planned how to scare a thief away from our car. And I, as his mother, could only stare at this tiny ten year old and wonder why he wasn’t afraid.

Say that on face book though, and you’ll get all kinds of “Women are definitely the strongest gender” kinds of comments.

I’m not sure what we have to prove here. Do women really feel obligated to do and be everything a man does and is?

For crying aloud, men can’t grow a human in their own bodies, give birth, or even care for a baby as instinctively as women can. We are just as strong, yes, but in a different way. There’s a (God-given) reason most little boys play guns and most little girls play dress-up.

Of course some girls are naturally “tomboy-ish”–and I happen to love scary adventures, mountain climbing, and such as well. We’re not making cookie-cutter descriptions here, but calling appreciation to the fact that genders are different and families need BOTH to function well.

We are just as important, yes, but we are not the same. If God wanted females to be as good at everything men are, He would have just created all of us male.

I’m weary of the twenty-first century where femininity is looked down on rather than appreciated. Have women forgotten they are bearers of beauty, kindness, and love? The world needs us—and every real man knows it.

When women release their femininity for something they think they should be, instead, something difficult comes in its place.

Insecure women bring control, unrest, and ugliness into this world. I’d say this universe needs the opposite—and I’m frankly honored that God created us for the task.

The other day I was cleaning a bath tub for a client when suddenly a massive something with a million legs came speeding up an unused drain. I screamed just a little, stepped back, and wondered what to do.

I could be the bravest ever and say with millions of other women, “Who needs men?” I could squash that creature with a wad of toilet paper. I could overcome every fear I’ve ever had of crawling creatures, and just do it.

Or, I could be okay with my fear, walk out to the garage, and ask the gentleman to please help me with this mini-animal scrambling around his tub.

I chose the latter and stayed far away until he walked out with a smile, a dead creature, and an apology. I thanked him, re-entered his bathroom, and made it cleaner than it’s ever been.

See this—I wasn’t weak for wanting help with a crawling creature speeding about with a million legs in the bath tub I was cleaning. And he wasn’t less of a man for not wanting to clean his house.

I own a cleaning business because I’m good at cleaning and I love organizing. Most days we clean three homes, some of which are obviously bachelor’s pads. Now, some guys are cleaner than women, but there’s a reason we often use extra soap on man caves.

See that term, man cave?

A woman will most likely call her home a nest. She’ll have plant rooms, dining rooms, a sitting room—all geared to love, nurture, and create a haven.

Both genders are strong, yet in opposite ways because we are meant to compliment each other and bring to this world what the other does not. When we both do our part, we create a beautiful balance. When we compare, fret, and feel less than, we create void by default, because when someone isn’t filling a spot, the spot is empty.

If women try to be men, what is left for real men to be attracted to? Who is there to care for, to love, to be hero for?

Before you bristle, ladies, remember that a man is biologically created to be a hero. Even Disney knows this. There’s a reason Cinderella wears the glass slippers and her real man rescues her.

Real men need real women, even in the twenty-first century.

Before you go haywire on me with all kinds of hormonal reactions, may I remind you that I write this as a single woman making my own way in the world?

I know how to start, own, and grow a business, hire employees, and manage a thriving company.

I know how to pay my bills, do my own yard work, use a weed trimmer, fill the lawn mower with gas, and check the tank for oil.

I know how to use a chain saw and I’ve spent hours cutting up fire wood with my children.

I can manage my website and work with people from one end of the spectrum to the other.

But, I’m still fully woman and it’s totally okay to have a man get that crawling whatever out of the bathtub while I stand there shaking.

We have nothing to prove, but everything to be.

Do what you need to do in life, but nurture those around you, bring beauty to every place you go, and find full satisfaction in being a woman. Appreciate and acknowledge what men do and are for you. Only an insecure woman has something else to prove.

You are so needed. Not half of you, but all of you.

Let every real man keep right on opening doors for women, and let every real woman thank him with a smile.

The attributes we do not possess are meant to be fully met in the other. Goodness calls to goodness as we both live fully in this world.

Single women, this is for you, too. You are every bit as much of a woman, and the world needs you. Remember to stay kind and bring both internal and external beauty to those around you.