Home – Women of Purpose

A Celebration of Masculinity

“They say women don’t need men anymore,” my fourteen year old son told me on the way to school.

“Who says that?” I asked. “Because your mom and sisters certainly don’t believe that.

The look on his face made me want to cry. Fourteen year old boys are already facing identity questions. Who am I, and where do I belong? Who needs me?

And yesterday as he helped his sister move, I could see his shoulders square up. He literally saved the day along with another young man who brought a truck to help with a heavy mattress.

My daughter and I had no problem needing men yesterday and I was so proud of her as she expressed respect and appreciation for the men’s strength and help. Ironically, the two young men lit up doing exactly what she needed.

Biological design lines up with Biblical order, because the God of the Bible created biological design. Fascinating, life giving, encouraging and affirming of both genders–we simply cannot improve this.

God designed good men to want to care for and protect women. And I want to say to all women, even to those who’ve been hurt by a man, that women need good men.

We had a talk there in the car, my boy and I. Femininity and masculinity are both under attack in our culture, and I want my children to know deeply the calling God has on their lives.

My son is the first to open my door when we go out. I trained him for this, on purpose, by standing to the side of the door until he got there. And the other day when I asked him what the newest thing was that he learned on his phone, he said, “How to be a good husband someday.”

Yesterday as I spoke with another woman struggling with betrayal, I spoke to her of womanhood, how even us single ladies can inspire the world with feminine manners that call out the best in people around us.

We don’t need a husband to do this, though we wish for one. We can still embody what we’ve always wanted to be. We can refuse the attitude of “I don’t need a man” and instead hold on to gratefulness for the good men in the world.

We can still be fully woman and fully alive.

And here’s the thing—ladies, you don’t need a perfect man in order to be a grace-filled woman. If he provides for you, is faithful to you, and seeks to love you, be grateful every day. Look for the ways he’s showing love even if it’s different than what you want. And if you need him to show love another way, ask him for that specifically. But please don’t walk around with a chip on your shoulder if you have a truly good, but imperfect, husband.

Tell him you appreciate him, often.

Notice his good qualities and speak them out loud.

Let him come home to peace—and remember, peace is a gift for your children, too.

Look him in the eyes and smile. Like, truly meet his eye with a smile.

When he comes home after a long day of labor, let him rest. If you’re a stay at home mom, please don’t nag at him to fold laundry unless you truly need help because of babies, etc.

If you’re a working mom, let him know you need his support when you both get home.

Be specific and gracious in your requests. Men want to be asked for a need they can meet rather than be nagged for a need they didn’t meet, because they were never asked.

I’m here to call out gratefulness for the faithful man.

This man may not be as romantic as you want him to be. He may not know any of your favorite therapy phrases or personality tests or attachment styles. He may kick off his boots inside your door and drape his coat over your dining room chair.

He may love God but not be the best teacher of each chapter in scripture.

I’m calling women to stop the comparison game and stare down the blessing of a man who loves you for life. Some of you are blessed to have all your bills paid without having to worry about it. Others of you are working alongside your husband to meet financial needs in a cost-hijacked world. Either way, your husband wants to know he’s your support and at the end of the day, you need him.

He wants to know you’re grateful.

He needs to know you admire him.

If that gives you struggle, I want to remind us ladies that admiration to a man is what love is to a woman. Today’s world embraces women who ask for love while it scorns men who need to be admired and respected. Yet, one is as good as the other because both are God-designed.

I defy divorce culture in the name of Jesus because I see a better way, a way that creates heaven-sent love into the hearts of our children and each other. I know it takes two, and one cannot do it alone—but one can always find their identity in Christ, obey His word, and leave the outcome to Jesus Who doesn’t force change on anyone.

Remember that if you follow Jesus in how you treat your spouse, change in your spouse is not guaranteed—but here’s the thing: obeying God will change YOU. And a love relationship with Jesus is worth having whether or not our spouse gives us the relationship we long for.

I speak this over you as a woman who tried (too hard) to save her marriage, and it broke anyway. God’s call for me as a woman always has been to carry myself with honor and dignity. It’s a “Yes, Lord” love relationship with Jesus that isn’t based on what I get or don’t get.

And I want you to know, married friends, that you can carry yourself with honor and joy with an imperfect husband. Be joyful, be grateful, address needs clearly, get your head out of the sand, and live free.

The Ancient of Days always has had, and always will have, ancient ways. Those ways aren’t feeling based; they are truth based–and they truly work for good.

Whoever dares plant their feet on the Rock of Ages will truly stand on something solid where the gift of God remains undeniably life giving, life changing, and life altering.

Today, look at your imperfect husband and speak it to him, “I appreciate you so much for—.”

Men need to be needed. And I will say to any woman, “Men ARE needed.”

The bulk of military is …..men.

Most hunters are……men.

Most construction workers…….men.

Strongest and tallest………..men.

Fastest to protect……..men.

And you want a baby? Well, I hate to break it to you but you need a…….man.

Tell him you appreciate him, today and often in the days to come.

In a world of dishonor, remember that your crowning glory as a woman is to honor those around you, and especially your husband.

Never let the world rob you of the dignity of womanhood. Because if we do, we lose the ability to encourage true manhood.

A sisterhood is truly thriving if it sees the value of brotherhood. And to all the ladies out there, if you meet my boys, please treat them like gentlemen who are needed in the world, with God given attributes different than your own because women do not have it all.

Together, as we celebrate both masculinity and femininity, we have what we need.

Love,

Sara

For My Single Moms

I looked at her face and thought, “Why is she in a church conference when she needs a spa?”

I knew why she was there—it wasn’t so much for thoughts on how to create a Biblical church. Craving more than isolation, she was there for community and friendship.

I asked her aside to a small room and saw relief. The doors closed and the next hours were spent laughing and crying as only two single moms can.

I’m writing for her, and I’m writing for other single moms who call me during the week. And I’m writing for the sincere and loving people who ask me, “What can we do to help crisis moms?”

My own story pales because I have a dad and brothers who are always there, making sure I’m okay. Many of the moms I speak to have neither dad, friend, or brother. And they are desperate.

I write for these moms and for those of you who have so kindly asked me how you can help. The answers are simple, but they do require a shift of expectation, and they do require sacrifice.

1. Ask questions before assuming anything.

I ask questions to the woman who tells me she’s thankful for little things, like being able to feel her back pain. Why is she thankful to feel pain?

Her ex-husband had sexually and physically hurt her for so many years that in order to cope, her bodily reactions to pain shut down and she became numb. Five years later as some wonder why she’s curled up in a ball with a blanket around her, I understand that the adrenaline it took to survive the years is just now wearing off.

None of us want to feel pain, and here she was, thankful just to feel again. Feeling is a gift we take for granted—but numbness isolates the human heart from life itself.

Feel the good.

Feel the bad.

Experience joy.

Experience sorrow.

Leaving an abusive marriage takes years of pushing forward. This means it may be 5-7 years later when the mind and body is able to grieve, because those first years are a push to survival. Like PTSD symptoms in soldiers often surfacing 7 years after battle, a single mom and her children may or may not only begin to face the truth of the past when life settles down again and there is time to think rather than survive.

Those who don’t understand this will judge and move away from a woman who “can’t seem to get over her sorrow to find joy.”

They’ll accuse her of being a victim rather than understanding that finally being able to feel her grief is the first step to her becoming a victor.

She’ll hear Bible verses on joy but won’t feel the whole message of the God of the Bible enveloping her in comfort and rest.

When we force premature healing, we encourage numbness. There are enough people in the world covering pain with humor, sarcasm, and avoidance. These are the ones who find it hard to love, connect, and establish long term, close relationships, either platonically or romantically.

My urgent message is this:

Families must be able to step out of their own experience and enter another’s crisis even years after people think it should be over by now.

Thank God a woman is able to feel again. Let her cry, and cry, and cry for as many years as it took being numb to avoid feeling physical pain inflicted onto her body. Sit with her and put your arm around her, but don’t expect her to talk or show up for every meeting. Allow her to belong with no expectations.

The mind can and will create new nuero-pathways which will help the body regulate. This is often a slow and misunderstood process, hindered even further by judgment.

When a woman feels emotionally safe, she can heal faster. None of her energy should have to be spent navigating hurtful comments. Unfortunately, because the church is often unaware of the crisis happening right under its pulpit, it is even more ill-equipped to handle it properly when abuse is brought to light.

Because of this, I write. Ladies, throw a blanket around her shoulders and pull her in close. Men, add her son to yours for all the things.

2. Consider her family, not a visitor.

My parents were great at this. I grew up in a home filled with single women or children from broken homes. Because my dad was trust-worthy, my mom never worried about other females being around. We had a familial atmosphere for us, yes, but we extended our table and opened our doors to anyone who needed the same.

Family is not an end; it is a means to an end. In other words, family is a gift from God not to hoard but to use as a ministry platform. We hear it often—marriage should do more for the kingdom, not less—then we get married and turn our houses into our own rather than into homes of service for God.

I honestly believe this is why so many Christian women seem bored, dissatisfied, and able to create problems out of nothing. The human heart is designed to feel restless until it finds its rest in God—which means we’re so busy with our Father’s business that we have no time for unnecessary drama or self-inflicted pity.

“Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their distress.” (James 1:27a)

This means we don’t say, “Sorry, I can’t have your child over because we’re going out with friends.” A mom goes to work while her child sits at home alone while two families go out to have fun for the day, somehow because adding another child would kill the vibe they’ve set their expectations on.

Perfect love often disrupts the idea of perfect family days, and makes them even better. We get to add family. These kids don’t need to feel like they can visit when it’s convenient; they need to feel like they belong.

Belonging isn’t convenient—it just is. It’s a thing, a gift, a state of existence every human being should be able to experience. A child robbed of it needs it more than ever, but it has to be created, on purpose.

Children whose father abandons them (usually after physical or emotional abuse) heal much better if another family remains. A child should be able to say, “He was always there when my own father wasn’t.”

The slogan needs to become “Adopt a single mom’s child” rather than “Let’s reach out to them when it fits our schedule.”

Scripture says, “He settles the solitary in a home.” (Psalm 68:6, ESVa)

3. Get rid of your own fear.

Two moms told me that holding babies was comforting to them. One was told that she’s using babies as a drug and to top it off, both were judged for perhaps being a pedophile.

One of the moms was already rejected, alone, and had suffered more than most of the rest of America put together. Of course she needed to hold babies. I don’t have words to express my righteous anger on this–but may I only hear this twice from single moms, and never again.

Christian wives need to repent of hurting moms in crisis with their own fearful outlook on life.

4. Single moms are not a threat.

Most single moms will take a bullet before they take your husband.

Yes, they’re single, and yes, there should be appropriate boundaries.

This could look like group texts, an appropriate amount of people in the room, etc. A single mom never needs to be alone with your husband or even text him solo. It is easy and appropriate to set up group texts rather than texts between her and your husband.

But I have never seen more fear and judgment toward single moms than from conservative Christian wives. Ladies, I speak to you frankly. If you can’t trust your husband, that is yours and his problem, not the single mom’s.

If you’re threatened by her beauty, take it to God and allow your own beauty to shine.

If you’re threatened by the fact she takes care of her body, listen to your own inner longing and start taking care of yours.

If she’s vulnerable and feminine, and you know in your heart of hearts that Godly men rise to help women like this, allow that knowledge to create in you a desire to be feminine and vulnerable with your own husband.

Again, if she has something you do not, it is not her problem—but an invitation from God to observe something you admire and create the same in yourself.

Single women are often from marriages where husbands demanded and expected her to take care of her body. After he’s gone, she will want to do so out of love for God and herself rather than out of fear of being discarded.

I would love to not hear this over the phone, “I shouldn’t have to be ugly in order to not be a threat.”

Or, “I can’t wait to be a grandma so that women don’t feel threatened.”

Christian wives, this is your invitation to create in yourself what you fear in her.

Leaves are falling on my laptop as I write these words, and they are beautiful. Brown and fallen, but lovely in their season.

And as the church becomes aware of ways to help rather than hurt women and children in crisis, it can add beauty to the dark season of their lives.

Hope is never out of reach within communal love.

5. Make sure she’s okay financially.

I grew up watching my dad dig deep into his pockets for vulnerable women and children. One year he bought a mobile home and hauled it to our yard for two women who showed up for coffee and had no place to go. Until the home was ready, he and mom gave up their bedroom and moved upstairs. Even when the home was set up, either of them walked across the yard in the mornings to join our family table for breakfast.

It wasn’t always fun, but it was always good. And because it was good, it was blessed by God. And because it was blessed by God, the family was more okay than if we’d have saved our happy walls for ourselves.

Another friend I know has had 15 foster children in and out of his home. Active love doesn’t look the same for everyone, but it should be overtly obvious that sacrifice is made for the orphan and widow.

It hurts to hear a single mom tell me she worked six 12-hour days a week to become financially stable. This, during the worst crisis I’ve heard from my moms. This, and it shouldn’t be this way.

Pure religion isn’t going to church, dressed well. Pure religion is to relieve the distress on widows and orphans.

I didn’t realize the beauty of my parent’s life-style until I became a single mom in crisis. Dad and mom never experienced crisis of my own nature, but they were tapped into the heart of God long before they had a daughter in crisis. They did for another’s daughter long before they did for their own.

Because in the body of Christ, no one should ever feel alone. The family of God reaches far and wide, and it knows no boundaries when it comes to love.

In the love of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit who work together in perfect harmony, gift your moms in crisis the same love.

Thanks for asking, sincerely. And thanks for allowing me to pen these honest answers.

For the Cause of Hope,

Sara D.

Why I Bought a 118 Year Old House

For the past four and a half years, even though my rentals were decent, sweet little homes, I’ve felt like I live in a hotel room.

The place I left behind in Washington state was part of my heart and soul. I loved the mountains, river, wrap-around porch, and tall trees protecting the brown, gable roofed house where four levels were inhabited by happy children and guests.

Moving to the south east with four children had me praying a lot, asking God for answers, and wanting to feel at home. I had a down payment for a house, but not for matching sky-rocketing prices in the surrounding Charlotte area. So, I resigned to not buying a home.

But God had a surprise waiting for me, just around the corner.

My mom came to visit and one day browsed her phone for homes in the area. Knowing how much I wanted to settle inside my own walls, she looked for anything possible, and in five minutes God led her to the one thing that felt impossible.

A beautiful 118 year old Victorian style foreclosure stared at us from the screen and begged to be seen. So, we did—and miracle of miracles, that same “at home” feeling came over me as it had with my home in Washington state.

Before and after cleaning the front yard.

So began a series of phone calls with my dad asking his advice, and making multiple lower offers they didn’t accept until I finally offered full price as well as closing costs.

I expected them to accept the offer on my birthday but instead, they put it up for auction and I was devastated. Still, I knew there had to be a reason and I prayed that day, pondering life as I took the kids hiking, determined to make the most of my 44^th birthday.

A few days later I had my joy back and was moving on from the house idea when my realtor told me they were going to accept my offer and were merely missing papers because he hadn’t submitted the correct ones.

Thus began a journey of purchasing an ancient home with a complicated foreclosure process, a toilet with a copper pipe and water tank mounted close to the ceiling, and enough charm oozing out of old wooden floors to keep me fascinated for the rest of my life.

The house had been winterized and I didn’t know if there’d be leaks when the city turned on water. Cleaning day was set and water was figured out only the day before, but each time stress wanted to mount high, the Lord would powerfully remind me that He’s taking care of things and I just needed to trust.

It was almost like He’d speak to me in the car, telling my heart to quiet down because He had this. Thus began a beautiful process of God doing things.

Friends helped me clean it, and then, one of them sent her husband to take over my yard work. I’d been out there with gloves but after a few hours had barely made a dent in weeds and must have been bitten by a thousand mosquitos. Inch by inch, I knew I’d get it done.

My friends thought otherwise and before I knew what was happening, an excavator was in my yard along with a crew of eight men. All I did was come by after work, day after day, to watch the overwhelming task unfold into a beautiful, clean space.

I cried grateful tears in front of the whole crew.

My neighbor watched and said one day, “Sometimes God just does things.”

The kids and I have found home.

After the back yard process.

Every day, I feel like I’m living a dream. The peace is palpable here, and the feeling of home is in every corner. The toilet still stands and I am as determined as ever to keep and restore the ancient, rusted, leaking tank towering above me close to the ceiling.

A friend took a look at the rusty old tank, looked at me and asked, “You want to keep this toilet?”

I’d never felt so certain of anything, so the next words out of his mouth became, “Ok then, we’ll find a way to fix it.”

For now, water drips into a glass mason jar while I choose to focus on the joy of a freshly painted, white claw foot tub that used to be blue with gold feet before I took a brush to it. Some things have to be changed immediately, while other things take time and perhaps years, like room after room of funky paint colors and wall papers.

The furniture we already had fit like a glove inside these walls, all the way down to my son’s pool table creating a billiard room, and the table I’d brought all the way from my Washington state air bnb, creating a chess corner under stained glass windows.

Inside these walls, some colors I love, some I tolerate, and some I endure. We find most joy when life doesn’t have to be perfect in order to be wondrously beautiful.

I’ve always loved turning houses into homes, and I hope my story of this miracle in a difficult real estate world encourages you to trust God with your desires, year after year after year—whether you’re laughing or crying—keep trust, grow in faith, and know that doing the next right thing can only lead you forward, closer to His heart.

I don’t say God is good because He brought me a dreamy house that makes me feel at home. I would say He is good even if it hadn’t worked out—because here’s the wonderful thing about a heavenly God—He is always good even when earth is not.