Religion – Women of Purpose

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

What do you think of when you hear the word purity when it comes to romantic relationships specifically?

If I were a betting man, I would say sex came to your mind. If it was not the first thought, it was not far from the top 3 thoughts on the word. For years purity has been intertwined with sex and virginity. We have had teachings given, books written, talking about the importance of purity that really are talking about staying a virgin before marriage. Some saying the fight for your virginity is the thing that will make your marriage strong. How your virginity is this ultimate treasure that you give your spouse, making this almost magical.

I remember one teaching in specific I grew up with where an older man took a tissue box. He said it represented our gift we bring into marriage. Every physical display of affection we did took a tissue from the box, making it less valuable when we got married. I will be very open and vulnerable to help people hopefully not take my words in the wrong intention. I am a 33 year old virgin. I have never struggled with pornography or masturbation. Just those two sentences ether have people amazed or calling me a liar in my experience. I am not writing this to give anyone permission to sleep around. Quite the opposite, I want to give a full and more realistic approach to talking about purity.

I looked up the definition of purity for this blog. The simple definition is “not mixed with any other substance or contamination”.

Let me first point what purity is not.

Purity is not:

-Simply being a virgin before marriage

-defined just by what you’ve done physically with someone (kiss, oral, sex, etc)

-a label that sticks with you forever when you slip up

Purity is actually something that has to do with your body, soul and spirit. A person is just as un-pure if they struggle with gossip, anger, self image issues or practicing new age/witchcraft activities as someone who has sex before marriage. We need to expand what we do to try to stay pure outside of the overly simplified no-sex-before marriage goal. Now let’s get real and a little blunt for a moment shall we?

Your virginity is not the most important thing you bring to your marriage. In fact, it is a brief moment in your marriage history that will only be referenced when talking about purity or your journey to marriage.

I have a challenge for you if you don’t believe me. Go to anyone that has been married 5 or more years and ask them what the key to keeping their marriage intact is. I will give you 20 dollars if they even mention the fact they were virgins going in to marriage. In my 15 years of walking with Jesus, I have never heard a married couple says something like

“We praise God so much we gave each other our virginity, as it has just been the key to saving and keeping our marriage intact!’

Let’s look at the most common issues in marriage that somehow being a virgin going into marriage does not magically fix.

-Virginity will not set you up to deal with miscommunication

-Virginity will not prevent anger issues that lead to things like verbal or physical abuse

-Virginity will not prevent affairs

-Virginity will not help you be more loving or romantic with your partner

-Virginity will not make you more trusting or get rid of all your previous marriage

So what is to stop all these young people acting like rabbits before marriage? If we don’t scare them into “purity”, they will just go around sleeping with each other.

Why we shouldn’t have sex before marriage:

-it can lead to STDs and unplanned pregnancy

-Sex outside of covenant (marriage) can actually create intimacy issues

-Like most other things that produce “good feelings” we can create an unhealthy addiction to it that damages us going forward

-Soul ties are no joke. Sex really is an intimate act that, as overly spiritual as it may sound, gives yourself to another. I actually saw this before I ever got saved.

-Its actually what God calls us to

The stereo typical purity message I and many grew up with tried to make purity solely about virginity to get young people to have a value for not sleeping around. Though if we were just upfront and honest, and talked about these things, we could still have that same impact.

Making purity over focused on sexual purity like so many have done leads to unfortunate consequences like:

-When people do this and their marriage falls apart, they feel lied to, used, and many times worthless like they have nothing to give the next person they want to attempt marriage with

-People who get saved later in life can feel like since they didn’t have a value for this before, them not being a virgin makes them less of a prize for anyone in the church looking to get married.

-They find out from their none Christian friends who didn’t adhere to these standards who still have healthy marriages, and start to feel like it was all just manipulation

-Sex becomes this unclean, evil thing that people start to fear, following them into marriage, causing confusion internally of feeling like sex is bad but necessary in marriage.

To wrap this up, I loved what a friend said about this topic. Virginity is not the most important thing you bring to your marriage. The most important things you bring into a marriage is your love, your kindness, your patience. In the full picture of your marriage, your virginity will become a memory of one night of hopefully thousands of nights. Chances are it won’t even be that memorable except laughing at how you both had no idea what you were doing. There are plenty of reasons to not have sex outside marriage. It is not, however, this key to a successful and happy married life. Let’s not put unnecessary responsibility to it that if we just focus on not having sex, everything will just magically be perfect because of it.

Purity of mind, emotion, voice, and energy has to do with a wholistic look at health. Emotional and relational intelligence are as important, if not even more important, as sexual purity. How you treat another is of utmost value in the art of LOVE.

(If you have struggled with things like shame, disappointment, or frustration due to messages like the one I am speaking about, I am truly sorry. My heart does ache thinking of the unintentional damage this has caused so many. I pray that Jesus is able to come in like only He can and heal those places of your heart. One thing I often try to keep in mind is we as humans, we make mistakes with the best of intentions. We are hurt and broken which often causes us to create that in others even when we don’t realize it. You are loved and valued by Jesus no matter what your past looks like, and He has amazing plans for you that will redeem even the biggest hurts and hang-ups in your life).

By: Johnny Davis

Every once in awhile my eyes roll to my head when I’m listening to teen girls gab about boys.

Yes, the boy thing. And how do you tell them that this boy most likely isn’t the future husband when all the emotions say otherwise?

During those moments I see clearly what God must see so clearly about us—that much of our lives are based off immediate emotional reactions rather than deliberate Godly responses.

Girl sees cute boy and bam—all the natural emotional responses start rolling.

It takes self control to wait, decide what you want with life and relationships, and work on character rather than premature dating. A wise parent will do her best to encourage the latter even when emotional responses from a child would cause her to buckle.

But teen love and dating is not the only thing that can be ruined by natural emotional responses. What about us? As fully grown adults, how do we live?

“The irony of the term “self control” is that it is not about our act of taking control, but rather about our surrendering control to God.” ~Jennifer Ussleman, Choosing to Choose Better

https://www.amazon.com/Choosing-Choose-Better-Changes-Everything/dp/1637324553/ref=sr_1_fkmr2_2?crid=25M269BN3ZHP7&keywords=choosing

I don’t think there’s really any way we can force our emotions in line with the will of God. Usually, emotions over-power better knowledge. But surrendering ourselves to the Lord makes us new creatures, which means there’s an inner response more powerful than a natural reaction.

As a friend once said, “When God does something, it’s like there’s an aroma of the Holy Spirit that is just different than something outside of His will.”

We can’t always show our children the difference until they experience it personally, but we can, as parents, do our best to guide them toward wisdom.

This is our responsibility.

This is our duty.

This is our job.

(My babies plus one more from Slovokia. We love you, Tampka!)

But back to ourselves. Living above our emotions affects how we discern the will of God (not the easy way, but the right way), how we eat, speak, and run our businesses. It affects what atmosphere people sense when they’re around us, how much life they glean from our presence in the room.

What atmosphere do you bring to the table?

And what about this—living above emotions even affects how we eat. We’re suddenly able to choose for health rather than weigh our bodies down with excess junk.

Eat to get your emotions comforted and you’ll end up emotionally uncomfortable when you step on the scale or go clothes shopping. Making the better choice in spite of emotions ends up setting your emotions free.

Eating for life instead of emotions is a good picture of what happens in all of life when we choose higher than feelings. Suddenly, we start feeling better.

Get this—when you no longer allow your feelings to run your life, you suddenly start feeling better and living a better life.

(Nutritious and deliscious–curry chicken salad, brown bread, and all things fresh.)

Our emotions are here to guide us, not rule us. They are one factor, not the greatest factor. They are useful tools, not the end of wisdom. This means that if your emotions are leading you astray, you reign them in and follow wisdom instead.

Your feelings can even be swayed by religion. Amish people are taught that owning a car is worldly. Because their feelings have been conditioned by culture and decades of religion, they will truly feel guilty when they purchase a car.

(My world as a child.)

A muslim woman will feel guilty for exposing her face. And I, as an Amish girl, remember hiding behind the refrigerator when a man from church knocked on the door. My feelings told me that for him to see my hair would be shameful.

Even religion has to humbly exchange itself for relationship, and bow itself to the pure, holy, written Word of God that will change or bow to no one and for no one. It is not God’s job to fit our interpretation of His will; it is our job to surrender to His perfect Word and will, even when it collides with what we’ve always been taught.

Ironic, isn’t it? At the cross, we kneel low so our souls can rise high. All of us, inside and out, need to bow at the cross and subject ourselves to a Greater Word.

Whatever we feel in the process will eventually be exchanged for greater grace than we’d ever know, were we to bow to anything less than the Word of God.

Choosing rightly may never change your circumstances, but it will absolutely change your heart. And that, my friends, is a greater miracle we can only know when we’ve experienced the beautiful, loving presence of Jesus Christ. Emotions can lead us astray, but He will always lead us upward, onward, and into freedom.

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” (Hebrews 4:12, ESV)