I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.
In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.
When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.
We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.
-Get closer to God in that moment/season
Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.
-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself
Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.
Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.
But the positive thing about rejection is this:
When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.
This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!
How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.
I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like
-“I am just not ready to date yet.”
-You are like a brother or sister to me.”
-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”
I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.
Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.
Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.
If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.
Now that we have discussed a good foundation of dating and the whole landmine that “the one” can be, the next logical thing to discuss is looking for that special person you file joint taxes with for the rest of your life!
The most common phrase or word I hear in these types of almost treasure hunts for a significant other is using the term “my type”.
“Turns out they just were not my type.”
“He tots seems like your type guurrrrllll!”
“I can’t believe I am not their type!”
We have all heard these phrases before. What does it really mean though? Is it possible we can take a concepts too far much like the concept of finding “the one”?
Usually a type is referring to a set of qualities or features of a person we believe we want or are looking for. A sort of way to categorize someone to in theory, make it easier to find a suitable person to pursue a dating relationship with. Having a type, much like other things is a totally normal thing in concept but sometimes in execution we run into issues.
The list:
If you have been in any youth group or church for long enough and discussed dating, you have likely talked about your “list”. Honestly, the more I write the more it seems like another one of those “we need a Christian version” situations, where people didn’t want to use the term ‘type’ so we made up our own version.
Back on topic, I can remember learning about the infamous list. A list of all the things you want in a spouse, and because God wants what you want and wants to find your perfect soulmate, the person you meet will match every single one of the things you write down. Sounds incredible on the surface. And, I am sure there are stories of it working out for some.
The issue becomes what one puts on that list. Let’s create a couple hypothetical lists to show where this can be counterproductive.
Jimmy is a great guy. He is 25, super nice guy…though he has had a hard time really launching into adult hood. Still lives with his parents, has a part time job mainly because he has so many hobbies he needs to have time for. He is in mediocre shape and doesn’t really help out much around the house…Here is a snip it of his list.
-Blonde
-Hot
-In good shape
-Good cook
-Loves Jesus
-Good with finances
-Shorter than him (He is 5 foot 10)
-Administration gift (he is not good with keeping track of dates and appointments)
-Not argumentative (he argues with his parents a lot and it stresses him out)
-Possibly already has a kid or two (he really thinks it would be cool to be a stepdad)
-Good at keeping up with work around the house (since he struggles with that)
-Good driver (He is not a fan of driving, and does not have a car yet)
Do you see some holes or issues in Jimmy’s list? Aside from listing “Hot” as the second most important thing and loving Jesus a few below? He wants his spouse to be in good shape, good with money, enjoying driving, good at housework, a great parent, and all these other things…though he is not currently good at any of those things. So if he were an employer, his standards to hire are above his own qualifications. You cannot expect a potential spouse to make up for all the areas you lack in, especially if you are not working on those things currently.
Ok, let’s go on the other side with a hypothetical list.
Cindy is a 38-year-old mother of 2. She had a rough childhood but got saved in her teenage years and has been in the church ever since. She does occasional shifts at a coffee shop but being a mom to the 2 kids is a full-time gig! Here is her list.
-A PURE MAN OF GOD!
-Still a virgin with no history of struggles with lust or porn
-A successful businessman who can provide a comfortable financial lifestyle
-At least 6 foot 7 inches and some skin pigment because she deserves the classic tall, dark and handsome
-A professional at romance, because she wants to be swept off her feet
-Already great with kids and loves her kids
-Some big muscles and a lean cut abdomen region
-A musician who can sing to her
-A good dancer too, because that would be fun
How about that list? Anything stick out reading that? Cindy is building this perfect image of a man, almost like she visited “build a spouse” (can you imagine if that was a thing? Haha). She wants him to have an almost flawless walk with God despite her having a past herself that she has overcome. The guy she described is almost out of romance novel with Favio (or is it Fabio? Shockingly not a expert on romance novel hunks) on the cover.
These are both waaaaay over the top examples, but the point is, we can make our lists so rigid and specific, that it becomes more like a person out of our favorite romance movie, then a actual real person we can meet.
So many of us in the church can use things like types and the list to shut out any potentially great people just because they don’t look like or act like the romantic dreamboat from the notebook or that totally fine babe from the last Fast and Furious movie. Have that mindset for too long and you pretty much start to have “don’t even try” written on your forehead. If your standards are so far up there that it needs a astronaut suit, it might be time to re-evaluate.
Can I ask you a question? What is your favorite restaurant to visit? Did you drive by it and a glowing light from the heavens came down to show you it was the greatest ever? Not likely. You probably went in to try it out. You probably studied the menu a bit. Maybe even went a few times and tried a few things before deciding it was your favorite. Maybe the first time you thought “This is pretty dang good”, then you went again and got something else and thought “Man this is amazing!” Then after a few more times you made that decision to say it was your new favorite that you were going to support and come back weekly to eat there. You started telling anyone who would listen how amazing it was. You may even have some folks in your life who think you are crazy and think the food is” ok at best”.
How do you find out you like a person? You have to actually get to know them. You have to be around them. Not just at Sunday services or home group settings. I can say I am a slightly or sometimes greatly different person depending on where I am and who I am around. Is this because I am like that Legion guy in the bible who said we are many? I sure hope not (grabs the holy water to splash on my face just incase).
We all perform, we all wear masks in certain places. We do not always show our full selves to every single person we are around. As a leader in the church, I try to be as genuine and personable as I can with people at our services. But, because so much is going on and I may have multiple jobs to get down, I can easily get tunnel vision. I may not be able to have that deep conversation about that certain topic.
When I am at work, as much as I want to be personable and genuine, I will always have “a customer service voice” as they call it. I may be out with a group I will likely always refer to as “my young adults” for a lunch where it is filled with laughter and silliness. Even in that, there may be some not so fun things going on in my life or some topics I may not bring up as it does not fit the setting.
Most of us if we were to be honest, would say only a few people know us on a deep level. How did those people get to that honor of knowing you so well? Did you just go up to them and emotionally vomit your whole life story to them with all the scary parts? No, it was a process. In a similar way with dating, it may take at least a date, or a few to start to get a feeling of who a person is going to be, especially who they would be in a relationship as compared to who they are in other situations. I think many times, without meaning to, we shut the door on some pretty incredible people that are interested in us just because they don’t have the right physical features or a book full of other surface level reasons. We create a list of pre-qualifications that in the grand scheme of things are so unimportant.
I think physical attraction is an important key for relationship, though to base a whole relationship on that or put such a high regard on that, is a mistake.
First off, I can’t tell you how many incredible females I know that when I first saw them I was not overwhelmed with physical attraction but when I got to know them there was this moment where I was amazed with how suddenly and incredibly beautiful they became in my eyes.
I will be vulnerable here and share some things on my more reasonable “list” I have for someone I want to pursue relationship with.
-Has a deep and genuine love for God and has a active relationship with Him.
-Has a love and compassion for people. Does not have to be as “strong” as mine though I don’t see myself lasting long with someone who just hates people in general.
-I have to just enjoy being around them, even in the mundane moments. If I am spending the rest of my life with someone, I want to enjoy it for a larger portion than I don’t
-I want to have a family. I would hope they want kids or even already have a kid or two. For medical reasons, me having kids has some hurdles, so I am more than willing to be a stepdad….by more than willing, honestly it’s more like I would be stoked. I really have a huge love and heart for kids.
My list honestly has become smaller over the years. There are certain important qualities that will never change. I have had girls come around in my life that at first meeting, I would have said there is no way I’d be interested. Yet once I got to know them more, an interest grew that wouldn’t have if I had shut all doors and put up all walls like we can so easily do when we make our requirements for dating to resemble more of the empire state building than some qualities that are important.
My encouragement to those who read this are two things.
First, broaden your horizons. Go on some dates with people you don’t immediately see cupid fly over with little hearts. Just keep it simple with coffee or lunch dates. Ask questions and really get to know them. As long as you communicate (another topic for another blog) your boundaries and intentions, and honor their boundaries, there will likely be little to no harm done. (Should go without saying, but if dude bro or sister friend has the biggest bunch of red flags, you can stop things from going any further right away.)
The other encouragement is, if you have a list, re-do it. If you don’t, make one. Make it a point to list the most important things to your heart. Make less describing a physical person and more about their heart and values. Maybe make a list where you have “must haves” and “would be nice” categories. Having a list can be helpful, but like anything, there can be a ditch on both sides of the road on any topic.
Women of Purpose 