Expressing Your Needs Effectively

I’ve often wondered what would happen if women chose to express their needs differently.

What if women didn’t bottle up, shut down, or remain silent when they have a need?

In the same note, what if women didn’t yell, accuse, or nag to get their needs met?

I’ve seen a woman shut down, conditioned to think she is not worthy of someone else’s sacrifice or time, or perhaps she’s married to a man who wants her in a subordinate posture with no voice. Perhaps, every time she tries to express a need it still goes unmet or is met with a selfish response, so she learns to shut down and survive as best as possible.

This is tragic. But tragic also is the woman who riddles her home with criticism and control. In this home, a man may shut down or become angry, avoidant, or bitter. He is never good enough, so why keep trying?

The world seems full of women trying to get their needs met, but untaught on how to do it effectively. Not only in marriage or dating, but in friendships and community, we make these blunders that give us exactly what we don’t want rather than what we’re truly looking for.

We’re told to be honest, so we honestly say things like:

“You’re always so busy and you never spend time with me.”

When in reality we need to say, “I miss you and I’d love to have time with you.”

One way places value on the other.

One way criticizes the other for not being “enough”.

Both ways express a need, but one way lifts the other up. Saying, “I miss you and I’d love to have time with you” translates into “You are lovable enough to miss and awesome enough for me to crave time with.”

Saying, “You’re always so busy and you never spend time with me” translates into “No matter how hard you work, you are not measuring up.”

Mothers, wives, sisters, and friends—I believe our relationships would change if we refuse both sides of the ditch. Yes, we are going to express our needs and no, we are not going to shut down. We are going to use our voices, yes—but we are going to use them well.

I don’t think talking against feminism is truly helpful these days, but teaching women how to use their voice arrests attention because there is hope in the art of gracious communication. No one is asking her to be silent, leave her gifts and talents on the table, or live with unexpressed need.

Effective communication elevates women like Jesus did. Every tear, secret longing, voiced question, or committed sin was met with hope and answers by the lovely face of Christ when He walked this earth.

Mary’s question of where to find the Lord was met with the answer of His presence. She asked, searched, and used her voice to find what she was needing to know, and Jesus answered every need she expressed.

“But Mary stood weeping outside the tomb………….And she saw two angels in white……They said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?”

She said to them, “They have taken away my Lord, and I do not know where they have laid him.”

Then, Mary turned around and saw a man standing behind her, but had no idea it was Jesus. He asked her why she was weeping. “Woman, why are you weeping? Whom are you seeking?”

Mary begs the man to tell her where Jesus was laid so she could take his body away and care for it. Then, Jesus calls her by name. “Mary.”

Immediately she knew it was the Lord. And just as quickly, Jesus asked her to go tell the disciples what she had seen and heard from Him. (John 20:11-18, ESV)

Mary needed something and went to find it. She didn’t hide away in her home, weeping. She knew she was capable of taking care of Jesus’ body and she was courageous enough to face Roman soldiers to ask for it.

Her courage allowed her to speak and her dignity required her to speak wisely even in her distress. God sent angels to answer her rather than soldiers to despise her. Then He sent Jesus not only to show Himself to her but to call her by name and send her to tell men what she’d seen and heard.

Do we see how Mary Magdalene, out of whom seven demons was cast, was elevated and empowered that day by Christ? None of that would have happened if she had either hidden away in her house in despair (shutting down) or been out screaming at evil men (control and anger) for killing her beloved Jesus.

Mary’s voice was heard that day—and I believe, as women all over the world learn how to utilize their femininity with true empowerment rather than brazen attitudes, we can bring healing and hope to our relationships.

To you married ladies, expressing your needs with honor can change your marriage. But, in the case that it doesn’t, take heart that the same Jesus who heard Mary also hears you and He will meet your needs even if your husband does not. He did it for me, and He will do it for you.