A few Sundays ago I invited complete strangers into my home.
Enter, the big front door pushes open with a grind because it’s 118 years old, but Sunday morning coffee on the porch calls for hello’s from all kinds of neighbors. Somehow, we form community over old houses and love to peek inside each other’s homes.
The old wall paper greeted them warmly while my 17 year old daughter tried to greet them warmly, but of course, as soon as they were out the door, “Mama, don’t you know we don’t want strangers in our house on a Sunday morning?”
Yeah. What 17 year old girl wants a couple in their 30’s talking with her about paint colors and architecture while she eats her cereal with messy hair and an unwashed face? Poor baby. But I smile merrily and tell her “That’s a great way to make friends—they wanted to peek inside this old house.”
By the time the couple left, she’d given me her number and they’d parted with “Call us if you ever need anything at all—my husband is handy!”
Ladies, do you know how to bless a single mom? Give her your number with offers to help if the plumbing leaks or the bathroom fan gives out, or the water heater spills into old wooden floors. You get the picture. I wish I had a husband to offer services to all my single mom friends—because here’s the thing—making friends is not a technique; it’s a lifestyle.
But, here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way, moving to places I knew little to no one:
1. When you meet a person, it’s all about them, not about ourselves.
Immediately after hello’s, now is the time to ask thoughtful questions that engage a response. Rather than changing the course back to yourself, the time is still ripe to ask another thoughtful question based on what they told you.
People light up when another is genuinely interested in their lives. And this kind of person is rare. I always notice when someone is able to talk extensively without focusing mostly on themselves.
After a painful divorce, it seemed I processed verbally a whole lot. My friends were more patient with me than I was with myself. But there was a time where enough was enough, and years of healing had to lead me into a new focus on others. Still, I had to pace myself. Crowds were too much sometimes, and I struggled to engage—but a life skills course took me back to who I used to be as I remembered that thriving in a crowd means taking an interest in the person beside me.
I put it in practice after a service recently, and a complete stranger said, “We should be friends”, then shared her information with me. I need to follow up and have her over—but get this, it took mere minutes of me asking her about herself and her life rather than rushing off to preserve my own mental space.
When I talk with strangers, I keep reminding myself, “This is not about me.”
2. Be flexible and open.
Tonight my kitchen is full of five boys eating rice and talking about buggers. Yes, buggers. It was nauseating but I laughed more tonight than I would have if my kitchen was empty.
It all happened impromptu when friends who had David for the weekend asked if I’d watch their boys while they went on a date. Of course I said yes and of course I cooked a huge pot of rice to eat with crock pot chicken and of course I pulled out the popsicles from the freezer.
But of course I was also glad the five boys chose to crowd around the old wooden island for their sticky rice rather than head for my lovely dining room. And of course I also disappeared after dinner while they did dishes.
I love friendships with people of all ages. Another mom’s children, elderly widow neighbors, fellow singles, both guys and girls alike. Every human being we encounter may offer the chance of a blessing, hopefully both ways, but always from us to them.
Being others focused allows us to create an atmosphere that delights others and makes them excited to be around us. We should be a space of warmth, love, and care for each person, even in the grocery line. Don’t be too shy to smile and compliment strangers—it can make another’s day!
Making friends takes only a few ingredients: a keen interest in others, and a warm invitation to your personal space, including your heart. When the time is right, open your soul with those who hold is safely. Be vulnerable.
Celebrate others. Take every opportunity to call out the good in others. “I love your sweater—where did you find it?” kind of comments has brightened many a stranger’s face. What women doesn’t want to feel beautiful?
3. Last but not least, remember that not everyone is meant to be your friend.
Respect that some of the best people already have too much going on and have no capacity for more. Learn to see those in the crowd who need and want friends.
The goal is not always to make a personal friend, but to bless another’s personal life in the few moments you enter their space.
Some will be mere acquaintances.
Some will be friends.
And some will be, as Anne of Green Gables says, “Bosom friends.” for a lifetime.
When you find those, hang onto them tightly and never let go. Work through fights and failures, and always keep coming back. Forgive big and love even bigger. Say “I’m sorry” even when you don’t need to, and say it ten times over when you truly do need to.
The real ones will forgive you and the ones who use you for their own gratification won’t. Let them go and be thankful their true motives were revealed. A real friend won’t demand perfection and will forgive mistakes.
Love. It’s all about love for this universe of people created in the image of God for the glory of God.
Thanks to all you readers for being hidden friends in the line of words spilling across the screen, and sometimes, the page.
Love to all,
Sara
Women of Purpose 