How to Handle Rejection

Guest post by: Johnny Davis

Rejection-everyone’s favorite topic!

I want to open this by saying what needs to be said, “Rejection sucks“. I don’t want to talk about rejection in a stereotypical, “This bad thing is really just a blessing in disguise.” My goal is not to make rejection feel good, but to help us handle it better when talking about dating in church.

In this blog, I want to talk about handling rejection, and the less spoken about other side, how to turn someone down in a healthy way when they want to pursue you.

When we experience rejection, we have so many thoughts run through our mind. All sorts of what if’s, maybe if I’s, and why couldn’t statements flood our mind. But, rejection is not failure when it comes to dating. Success in dating is not about getting in a relationship with a specific person. The goal should be finding the right person you can grow and build a life with. Things not working out with a person romantically is never going to be a great feeling, but if we lower the stakes in our own heads, we can lessen the negative feelings associated with it.

We should always be growing in some way in our lives. Becoming a better version of ourselves. When someone rejects you for a relationship, my best advice is 2 things.

-Get closer to God in that moment/season

              Process the emotions with God. Ask God what maybe you need to work on. Ask God to satisfy you in that season where you feel probably more lonely. It sounds cliché in the church but a big goal should be to get closer to God when we go through hard seasons.

-Use the rejection as a motivation to work on yourself

              Take the rejection as a moment to reflect on ways you could become a better you for the next person. Do not get so caught up in it that you make pages of flaws and feel like you have no good qualities. But, face your flaws honestly. Lose the weight, sharpen your conversation, become more emotionally and socially aware. My goal outside of getting closer to God is to continue to work on myself so when I do get that yes, I can be as ready as I can be.

Guys, the biggest favor you can do yourself when you try to pursue someone  and the interest is not there on the other end, let it go. Don’t try to hold on to them or hope they change their mind soon. I know it is hard to do at times. They may have turned you down for bad reasons. As much of a bummer that could be, you have to let it go and move on. Could that person have a moment where they “wake up” and realize they made a huge mistake? Maybe. Though if you hold on to that like we see in the Hollywood romcom movies, you will only hinder yourself. You will only get frustrated at that person the longer you wait, and you could miss out on some amazing other options that pass by you in the meantime.

But the positive thing about rejection is this:

When a person lets you know the relationship is not or would not work for them, they are doing you a favor. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. Them letting you know that is a great thing! You are right for someone, but not for them.

This may not be fun, but knowing you are right for someone else will take the sting away. Broaden your horizons and start considering people outside your normal type. Your person could be one of those!

How to reject someone like a boss….or just like a more healthy person.

I have seen, and if I am vulnerable, have experienced, some really bad rejections in dating situations in the church. I see things done with the best of heart intentions. No one wants to be heartless or mean, but we often shift it to the other side of the extreme which causes as much pain. Rather than the clear “I am not interested in you”, I often see/hear things like

-“I am just not ready to date yet.”

-You are like a brother or sister to me.”

-“God has not told me that you are my future spouse.”

I get the heart of not wanting to hurt someone and letting them down gently. But, lying is not just giving false information; it is also hiding truth. I promise you, being honest about your lack of interest will cause much less damage than making up an excuse to try to be nice. When you say you are not ready to date, how do you think it looks a month later when you are dating another person? Don’t make excuses or try to sneak around the truth. You can be truthful but do it in a respectful and loving way.

Simply say, “You are a great person, but I’m not interested in anything romantic with you.” Girls, this is hard to say but the guys need to hear it clearly if that’s where you’re at.

Rejection is not a fun feeling. Nothing we can do will make rejection a cheerful, happy moment. But we can learn how to handle rejection well, and learn how to give rejection healthily as well.  

If we all come together and work on this, I feel we could create a way better dating culture in our church communities.

Cheers,

Johnny Davis