“Mom, part of the reason I respect you is because you’re not as afraid of conflict as you used to be. You stand up to me when I’m wrong.”
I nodded. It was a work in progress, this thing of avoiding conflict—running from it, really.
My child had always had a mind of her own and wanted me to be able to “fight” it out, while I’d shut down and hide until everyone’s anger was gone and we could discuss something rather than argue.
Waiting until the heat of a moment passes can be wise. Sometimes I still ask a child to wait until I or they are not angry. I don’t want to say things I regret—and few people are wise with words when they’re upset.
But I did have to learn not to shut down my own thoughts and opinions just to avoid conflict. Because the truth is, avoiding conflict doesn’t save emotional intimacy with someone; it actually hinders emotional intimacy.
When you shut down just to avoid a disagreement, you shut down part of your authentic self. It takes authenticity to connect wholeheartedly with another and disagreements are inevitable.
Trying to avoid conflict was sabotaging the very thing I was trying to save.
I learned a few things over the years that helped me live in a better zone than flight, freeze, or fawn. Because who can connect with a less-than-real person while they run (flight), freeze (suddenly become tongue tied), or fawn (do whatever it takes to make another happy even when it’s not what they truly see, believe, feel, or want).
Our humanistic world calls people to “be what they are” even if it hurts others. I wanted to avoid that. I wanted to help, bless, encourage, and serve others. But truth be told, my inability to engage in conflict was also selfish—I wanted to be liked, and every time someone disagreed with me, I felt disliked.
Emotional maturity means we expect and accept conflicts and disagreements to rise in every meaningful relationship, are able to stay in a conversation authentically, and are not hurt as soon as someone says something that used to make us withdraw.
1. Honesty is classy, not rude.
How many times have we heard someone be blatantly rude, only to have it excused by, “I was just being honest!”
No, you’re not just being honest. You’re being angry and mean, treating another as a less than worthy human being. Our goal as parents, friends, and partners needs to be gracious honesty, which means we say what needs to be said in the kindest manner possible.
Yesterday I poured someone a drink I had made quickly and asked her to try it out. “I don’t really like it,” she said. “Maybe because it’s cold and I enjoy hot drinks.”
My friend’s honesty was refreshing. I’d hate her to sit there pretending to enjoy my drink when I genuinely want to know what to make or not make for her next time.
There was nothing rude about her comment because it was said kindly, in a moment when I wanted to know if the new thing I was trying was a success—or not. And this brings us to the next point.
2. We need to give and receive feedback that may feel uncomfortable.
What do we say if someone asks a question like, “Do I come across needy sometimes?”
You’re staring at that face a little tongue tied, because truth be told, your friend does come across needy at times. At that moment, you have a choice—be the friend who loves enough to be honest and help her out, or hide the truth in order to spare her any hurt feelings.
You can and should be authentically, kindly honest with her. “Yes, sometimes. But I also know you don’t want to be, and I think that most of the time you come across confident and secure.”
Or, throw in any last comment that is true and would help her receive your first acknowledgment well.
Most of the time when people ask questions about themselves, they ask because they already know the truth. If you affirm the truth, you help them change, but if you deny it, you throw a bandage over a wound that needs to heal from the inside out.
The secret is not avoidance of discomfort, but of love during discomfort.
My best friends love me. I know this, so I can ask them questions about my life, choices, or behavior because I truly want growth. I ask them to give me undiluted answers so I can see myself and change where I need to. But here’s the key—I don’t do that with everyone.
That brings us to our next point.
3. Honesty does not mean telling everyone everything.
There are people in my life who’ve shown so much love and support through the years that I can ask them anything and receive what they share even if it stings a little. If I know someone loves me and wants only my highest good in all things, I can hear things like, “I wouldn’t have done that,” or “Make sure you do this instead”.
Social media doesn’t deserve to know everything about you. Oversharing is not dignified or classy—but trust worthy friends who’ve proven their love cannot hear anything that would make them love you less. In fact, just the opposite. What a beautiful thing for lovers, friends, and families to be in the difficult/bad parts of your life as well as the good.
Whatever relationship means most to you, make sure you cultivate this kind of safe vulnerability. Remember, you do not have to share everything with everyone to be a vulnerable, honest person. Keep your dignity and save some things for those closest to you.
4. Your dignity requires your honesty.
When you’re able to say how you feel, express your needs, stand strong against wrong-doing when others may judge you for it, and not say whatever it takes to make another feel good at your own expense—then and only then have you retained your dignity as a woman.
Wives and mothers, you are here for more than just to make your spouses or children happy. God gave you wisdom that was meant to show itself. No woman who understands the worth of God’s voice inside her will shut down for another person’s pride.
What we’re seeing in this world is humanistic expression of all feelings, justified as authenticity. I want us to go far deeper, where the expression of opinions, feelings, and thought brings goodness to those around us. We are strong enough to speak and strong enough to be silent when needed. This brings us to the next point.
5. Sometimes we need to be silent.
Wives and girlfriends, you can wear a man out by constantly expressing negative feelings. Sometimes, you need to process alone with God or with another girl. Remember, authentic relationships still have a sense of dignity. Your man does not need to hear everything out of your mouth at all times. If you do need to express disappointment, remember to share it with respect and love.
This can look as simple as saying “I feel anxious when you’re late” rather than saying, “Why are you always late?”
Honesty requires wisdom. Learn to rephrase your words so another can hear them. You’ll still be expressing yourself but the results will be so much better. A man can handle needing to change something so his wife or girlfriend doesn’t feel anxious but no man can thrive in a relationship where they’re constantly attacked, blamed, or criticized.
Many times we don’t need to say anything at all. The world is bigger than us, and as women, we need to remember that not everything revolves around us and our feelings. Be a little tough on yourselves, and let’s all grow up into maturity, together.
In short, authentic, whole-hearted living means learning to express ourselves in the best way possible, creating a loving environment where all things can be discussed in ways that make conversations open up rather than close down.
“A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.” Proverbs 25:11
Remember that “fitly spoken” doesn’t mean shutting down your words, but redirecting the way you speak them.
Love to all,
Sara
Women of Purpose 