Things God Never Said

It’s Sunday morning in the Bible Belt of America.

Charlotte, NC, where I live, has more churches per capita than anywhere in the world besides Rome, Italy. Here, religion muddies with relationship and it’s easier than ever to forget what pure religion is.

Death and divorce are both rawest grief. Death, because a person is gone forever. Divorce, because a person has betrayed you and gone though he/she is still alive. Both men and women experiencing this need to be handled with knowledge and care by the church.

Without more words, I’d like to give real life examples of things that are often said among Christians (especially to single moms) that God never said. Then, I’d love to replace them with words from Jesus to help us bring His life to others.

1. God never said:

“We are community, and we open up to each other, so we need you to be more open.”

Single women are on the lookout for someone they can trust. They cannot share the deepest places of their hearts before they feel safe to do so, and especially if what is shared will be passed along to the group they’re part of.

God did invite us to be intimately close to Himself where we talk to Him, then find Christians we trust to help us. He did ask us to confess our faults to each other and pray for each other. But He’s not there forcing it with people you barely know, and haven’t yet learned are trustworthy.

Single moms have been through a lot. They deserve privacy until they have been shown safety. Remember that they may not open up as soon as you’d like them to, but they are most likely opening up to others they already know and trust.

When we break a leg, we find a doctor skilled in bone setting. In the same way, when a heart is broken, it has to be treated carefully by those who’ve done the work to learn how to heal.

Trust is earned with time, support, patience, and a knowledge of what not to say.

2. God never said,

“Show up to more things the church has going on.”

Single moms can often barely find the energy to cook dinner for their kids after a day of work. Please don’t say things that make her feel less than a part because she’s not showing up to more events. Rather, support her to ease her exhaustion. Bring her dinner without asking–just take it to her. Watch her children and send her to get a pedicure or take a walk.

Often, we need to do the things rather than say the things. My single moms will protest a hot minute when I want to gift them something–they need us to insist, and just transfer money into that cash tag. Then, they see we truly want to.

Rather than make her feel she should be showing up to more or serving the church more, the ironic twist here is that God asks the body of Christ to show up for her more and serve her more. Only is this way will she be supported as she needs to be.

God did say:

“For where two or three are gathered in My name, there am I among them.” (Matthew 18:20, ESV)

“Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

(Hebrews 10:25, ESV)

Zechariah 7:9-10

“This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against each other.’”

I picture Him protecting her from too much rather than making her feel like she should be doing more.

3. God never said:

“If God led you here, and God led our church to have a meeting, wouldn’t God give supernatural grace to attend this meeting where we discuss a difficult topic?”

The person not wanting to attend a difficult meeting had expressed a need to rest after years of crisis, especially since a similar meeting had already been held elsewhere. It simply wasn’t where she needed to be.

Her need for rest was spiritualized rather than embraced. The message became, “If it’s good for the church, it’s good for you. And if you’re too exhausted to be there, you’re not spiritual enough.”

God does say:

“And He said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place, and rest awhile.’ For many were coming and going and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away into a boat into a desolate place by themselves.” Mark 6:31

If God led his disciples away to rest, even from people who needed them desperately, how much more can He lead a weary mind to take a break from difficult doctrinal discussions, and just rest in His love?

The church needs to understand that the human brain is a physical organ that needs rest after years of trauma, just like the human body needs rest after a day of labor. Many times, single moms go from marriage crisis to every other area of her life in crisis as well. She has to fight for the rest her brain and body need, and use her energy wisely. It may be years of survival before she can allow her body the rest it needs. During this time, nothing extra should be expected of her.

3. God never tells singles in the church:

“You should only want a spouse, not need one.”

God does say:

“The disciples said to Him, ‘If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.’

‘ But He said to them, ‘Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the kingdom of heaven.’” (Matthew 19:10-12, ESV)

Here we see that the basic human design was created to need a spouse, whereas the unique cases didn’t have need for one, or even purposefully removed their need for one.

If singles in the church hear married people talk of needing this or that from their spouses, how confusing is it if they are dubbed “unspiritual” or “discontent” for even expressing their need for a spouse?

The church needs to freely acknowledge a single person’s need, then support them with extra love and grace if that need remains unmet. Acknowledging a God given need for something is very different than stepping outside of God’s will to meet that need.

In fact, pretending you don’t need something God created you to need is not honoring God. Honoring God is choosing to be faithful when the need is yet unmet. The church needs to understand the difference and choose their words carefully.

Pseudo spiritual attitudes hurt people deeply. Learn to be comfortable with the God-given, human experience and bring Jesus into that experience rather than making people feel unholy for even expressing the need at all.

4. God never said:

“That sounds bitter” to someone expressing a need to pull away from a sex offender who has chosen to repent.

God does say:

(There is a….) “time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” (Ecclesiastes 3:5, ESV)

Forgiveness does mean agape love, which is to desire the highest good of all. It does not, however, mean that you have to be in the company of all. True love will never condemn another for emotional healing needs, but will help another get to a safe place for that healing.

I repeat, the question should not even need to be asked, “Does a victim need to be in the presence of his or her former rapist if he’s repentant?” A true understanding of the heart of God does not legalize definitions of words to the emotional harm of another.

A zeal for love often looks very different in the church than a true knowledge of how to apply that love to hurting people. It should not be so. No one should have to pull away from the church to heal.

4. God never said:

“Why can one person do this ministry with such grace but the other person cannot?”

One person asked a mom (at a table full of people) why someone could operate in a specific ministry when she was unable to. She went to lengths to explain the differences of their lives and in some ways, their callings. She shared things she didn’t feel safe sharing—especially when her life didn’t come close to comparing with the person she was being compared to. In the end, she felt degraded and raw rather than protected and cared for.

God never asked anyone to have grace for every ministry or to compare with others.

God did say:

“Not that we dare classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending ourselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” (2 Corinthians 10:12. ESV)

I can go through things with grace that another person can’t fathom grace for. Similarly, another person can handle with grace what I have no strength for.

What God calls each person into, He gives each person the gift and grace to walk through. Comparison statements hurt people; the question needs to become, “Are we walking in grace for what we’re specifically called into?”

Church of Jesus Christ, we are a beautiful expression of love to those around us which means we’re called to look at things we do and say that are hurting those around us rather than healing them.

Before we make blithe comments to another, let’s ask ourselves:

“Does God REALLY SAY THAT?”

For the cause of love,

Sara D.