About the Sex Thing

I’m a single woman with strong convictions on sexual purity outside of marriage. But, I was married for many years and have been passionate about women’s health for many years—so it’s time to pick back up where I left off and not allow my status as a single woman render me voiceless on this important topic that is still dear to my heart because it concerns the health of women and relationships.

The sex topic is huge. Not only huge, it is sensitive, vulnerable, threatening to some, and painful to others. Some avoid it while others seek it. So I write this carefully, but I’m writing to those who are married, given my stand on sex only being permissible within marriage.

I’m not very old (yet), but I’ve seen a lot. From the purity culture to a feminist world, the physical, emotional, and spiritual health of women took my interest many years ago. I saw door-mat-like, voiceless women, I watched truly happy, fulfilled women, and I observed feministic women who talk about “being themselves” while avoiding everything feminine that would bring out the best of their true make-up as a woman. “Being themselves” led them far from their true selves.

In both the Amish world and the secular world, I noticed something—women are happier, healthier, and more satisfied in their marriages when they see the goodness of sex.

Not just monthly sex, either. Sex as an important part of life, where you make time for your husband and uncover the beauty of sex, makes for happier women in the long run. Not just happier, but also healthier. Some women may say they don’t need it—and if hormones are causing your body a temporary shut down, that’s understandable—but you still need to connect with your husband sexually before too much time passes.

Sex is a goldmine that should be pursued and uncovered at the expense of other priorities, if need be.

In a healthy marriage, sex brings mutual satisfaction to both partners. It is no longer one giving and one receiving, but both giving and receiving for a mutually satisfying experience.

Sex is a unifying physical act with major emotional and spiritual ties connected to it. This is why God wants commitment to precede sex. It is not cheap, light, or without ramifications.

Women are valuable. I try to speak that to my daughters in a sex saturated world where the pressure is high. Some loser kid in a truck hasn’t earned you, child. You’re worth more than to be used, then discarded for the next hot kiss.

I’m pulling my teens onto my bed at night while I read Teaching True Love to a Sex-at-Thirteen Generation by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Of course they groan and think I’m giving speech number 101 on sexual purity, but I smile and tell them that at least they’ll never be able to say that mama skirted uncomfortable topics.

At our house, we talk about all of it. Body parts, bodily functions, sex, it’s meaning, it’s value, when it should and shouldn’t happen. The topic is endless when there are three teens in the house.

Sex is a good topic, not a shameful one. Mothers need to embrace and enjoy sex, then transfer that attitude to their daughters. Some days you’ll laugh, some days you’ll be serious—but whatever you do, don’t assume your child is okay, even if they’re in youth group or church.

There can be so much toxicity even in church groups that we can take nothing for granted. A mother can think her child is in good company, yet find out there was a loser kid in the crowd who took advantage of her daughter.

When your children are extra sad or grumpy, check in. Ask them if they’ve been violated. Leave no stone un-turned when you sit on that bed and talk to your teen. Even if they don’t want to talk at the moment, they will know that mama is unafraid of any topic. When they’re ready, they will know it’s okay to talk.

Silence in the sex arena has led to devastation on all accounts.

Sexual abuse runs untamed because women are too afraid to uncover the sin. Sometimes, they’re even told to forgive by being silent and letting it go. What a horrible, wrong interpretation of forgiveness. (Read more on forgiveness in a previous blog).

Women like this often grow up afraid of sex rather than able to enjoy it. Now, they wonder how to bridge the gap between themselves and their husband. Could this have been avoided if mothers had checked in many years ago and helped a daughter process and heal long before marriage?

Sex is important to men—and to many women as well. We may laugh about it, joke about it, make fun of it, or heaven forbid, resent it. But it’s importance is true, and God wants us to embrace it gladly and make it a vital part of marriage.

Habitually depriving your husband of something his body needs can be debilitating to a man. Especially because a good man will know that his wife is the only one who can satisfy his (God created) sexual needs. He may be tempted to cheat—but God forbid he does, even after years of deprivation.

If he did cheat, you better believe all the ladies would rally around his wife and comfort her. I would, and so would you. Rightly so.

But here’s the punch line.

Not giving your husband sex when you’re the only one who can righteously do so, yet expecting him not to get it anywhere else, is a bit like your husband not giving you food, were it strictly in his power to bring it to you.

If you were hungry every day, yet your husband didn’t feel like bringing you food, I think you’d run to the nearest grocery store even if (hypothetically speaking), It was forbidden. You’d make sure you weren’t half-hungry all the time.

What if he only fed you once a day, just enough to function and get by, yet ignored your repeated requests for more needed energy and food?

Is that just a little like a wife refusing to engage in sex when it is strictly in her power to give it to him?

Some of you may be a little upset with me by this analogy. That’s okay—but I want us to seriously stop and consider what would happen if our men deliberately deprived us of a major need, then expected us to feel loved as we lived in deprivation.

Feminism has taken over and given women a brash attitude about a man’s sexual needs. Or, it has taken over and given women entitled attitudes about “not giving him sex if he doesn’t take me on dates every week”, or “doesn’t help enough around the house” or “doesn’t know how to meet my emotional needs”.

The aftermath of selfish women is devastating. A man literally has to know it all, do it all perfectly, and be it all before his woman is available sexually.

Ladies, may I ask you, do you want your man to withhold his love from you when you also have gaping flaws, needs, and things you don’t change even when he’d love you to change?

Who gets to deprive the other first?

Men are suffering because women nonchalantly dismiss one of their greatest needs.

“Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5, ESV)

There can be times for abstinence, but Paul makes it clear that it should be for good reason, with good communication, to give ourselves to prayer before coming together again. This indicates a purposeful abstinence that needs to end at some point. Time for healing from abuse, time for prayer, time for anything good that you can talk about and express clearly to your husband. Coming together again helps avoid temptation both of you would fall into were you to remain abstinent.

If you choose a season of abstinence, your husband needs to know that your heart is to find answers so you can be there for him sexually.

You may say, “I don’t need sex and wouldn’t be tempted without it.” But in marriage, we are called to give 100% for the good of the other. This means we are no longer only interested in our own needs, but just as concerned for the needs of the other. And if you don’t “need” sex, you most likely need connection and will be tempted by another man if you are not actively building connection in your marriage.

Sex needs to be viewed by women as a powerful connecting tool in their marriage rather than a selfish want a man may have that he can live without. The latter is a lie straight from the pit of hell.

If sex was merely a physical “want”, purity would no longer matter. Sex could happen anywhere, anytime, with anyone—just as we eat food or drink water, or sleep when we’re tired.

Sex is so much more. This is why God places boundaries on it, elevates it, and asks us to honor it as a vital part of marriage.

God’s ways are perfect, and as you give yourself to this, you will notice a place in your soul that is healed simply by the act of sex with the man you wed. God knows what he’s doing when he creates a man to need it, often. Sex is good, holy, fun, and can bring a couple closer together than ever before—even when there are areas of need in your marriage that you have yet to find answers for.

What if you embrace the goodness of sex and allow that to help dissipate trouble in your marriage rather than add to it?

What if you transfer this attitude to your daughters, and allow yourself to be a small part of bringing sexual wholeness back into our society?

Author: Sara Daigle

Author, speaker, and mother of four beautiful kids. Passionate about wholeness, healing, purpose, and identity for all women regardless of culture, background, or circumstance.

3 thoughts on “About the Sex Thing”

  1. I was so excited to see this topic pop up in my inbox, but this article honestly left me feeling sorely disappointed because it perpetuates so much legalism and shame that has taken me many years to unravel and then heal. I love sex, but I used to have such an unhealthy relationship with it — either feeling obligated to have it or being completely obsessed with it. I never deprived my ex-husband and yet that didn’t stop him from going outside the marriage. I would love to see a wholesome approach to sex that encourages and inspires women, bringing true healing to the way they view sex, instead of focusing on whether they are depriving their husband or not. Shame has never motivated anyone to change and it never will – it simply ushers in oppression. I’m so grateful to be in a God-honoring marriage with a husband who truly loves me like Christ loved the church with a beautiful intimacy between us that I had no idea was even possible. I would love to see the language of sex change its tone and approach in evangelical circles to match the heart of Jesus. There’s been so much brokenness and unhealthiness on all sides and I long for the day when there’s true healing! I do see glimpses into the genuine cry of your heart, what you were aiming for in this article is good and there’s some of it that I can appreciate — especially around the encouragement to talk to our daughters about sex. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. Hi Meg,
      Thank you for sharing your heart. I think our experiences in marriage of having frequent sex, yet having unfaithful husbands is very similar. Doing everything you can do to be a great wife does not guarantee a faithful man. How well be both know this!

      In previous blog posts I’ve written about the importance of taking care of our own hearts and acknowledging pain, rather than forcing ourselves to continue sex in spite of it. I truly believe there are times for abstinence and tried to portray that even in this article where I focused more on a woman’s heart attitude towards her husband’s needs. I did not, in any way, mean to take away anything I’ve written in previous posts about the care of a woman’s heart.

      The truth remains that I hear a LOT of stories of genuine deprivation where good men are left wanting. My own story of emotional abuse and betrayal does not take away the fact that many men are experiencing the same thing by their wives. Women everywhere are rising up and using the smallest things to justify a sexless marriage, divorce, and a general attitude of bitterness toward their husbands. The results are as devastating as the abuse we both experienced from our former men. Our twenty-first century calls for Godly women to refute this trend with grace and dignity.

      I hope you can read my previous blogs to see my true heart toward women in mine or your shoes. There are many like us. If you know of any way I can better write each post so as to portray my heart better, I would love to hear. I truly value your thoughts! And I’m so glad you’re now experiencing marriage as it’s meant to be. Please feel free to comment further thoughts here as your input may be valuable to everyone–or email me as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sara, I really appreciate your heart, your words, your life truths, and, in particular, your listening to the Holy Spirit and walking out your love for God. Thank you for continuing to post through it all. I’m sharing this with my granddaughter who is an elementary school teacher. I think it will give her a better understanding of what Christians believe about sex. You say it so well. ❤️

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